[Stillness]

he's really religious and doesn't want to do anything before marriage and he also told me that he was abused as a kid so he's not comfortable with sexual contact.

To me, this is the single biggest piece of the puzzle. If something ever happened between my wife and I and I were to date, the physical contact between me and even a fiance would be very limited. I would probably not kiss her, let alone be naked with her. My sex drive is through the roof, though.

My question is how much of the aversion to sex is religious and how much is related to the abuse? If he's a virgin, then how much sexual contact could he have had to know how the abuse plays in? Have you had a discussion with him about what his expectations are with regard to sex after marriage? These are the kinds of questions I would have. Sex is just too important, especially when you have a high drive.

It's entirely possible you could be sexually compatible, but you obviously are not morally. That seems to be your biggest problem. I think you should come clean with him. I find that stuff like this does not stay hidden forever. The longer you wait, the worse it will be. Not too long ago there was a lady posting here about a relationship she had with one man while she was dating her husband. He found out and made her life miserable for decades, in the bedroom and outside. There was even a more recent post a few weeks ago where a lady withheld what she did on a break-up and had serious problems when her man found out. It's not worth it to try to keep it in.

[Trisha23]

you had your needs that he cannot give you,find someone else that makes you happy but first of all tell him how important that thing for you so that he will not left hanging..

[happygolucky90]

Normally I would be upset to read someone cheating on someone... in some ways though, I can understand. You have needs and they aren't being met. Perfect guy or not... this is a huge ordeal for you and you're not handling very well sweetie... I think it's time you came clean and accept the consequences, it's not right for him to believe he's with someone who isn't really who she says she is, you know?

I hope you do the right thing... if things end, then they do. You both deserve happiness.

[happygolucky90]

To me, this is the single biggest piece of the puzzle. If something ever happened between my wife and I and I were to date, the physical contact between me and even a fiance would be very limited. I would probably not kiss her, let alone be naked with her. My sex drive is through the roof, though.

My question is how much of the aversion to sex is religious and how much is related to the abuse? If he's a virgin, then how much sexual contact could he have had to know how the abuse plays in? Have you had a discussion with him about what his expectations are with regard to sex after marriage? These are the kinds of questions I would have. Sex is just too important, especially when you have a high drive.

It's entirely possible you could be sexually compatible, but you obviously are not morally. That seems to be your biggest problem. I think you should come clean with him. I find that stuff like this does not stay hidden forever. The longer you wait, the worse it will be. Not too long ago there was a lady posting here about a relationship she had with one man while she was dating her husband. He found out and made her life miserable for decades, in the bedroom and outside. There was even a more recent post a few weeks ago where a lady withheld what she did on a break-up and had serious problems when her man found out. It's not worth it to try to keep it in.

Absolutely right on all levels!

[jen1447]

Normally I would be upset to read someone cheating on someone... in some ways though, I can understand. You have needs and they aren't being met. Perfect guy or not... this is a huge ordeal for you and you're not handling very well sweetie... I think it's time you came clean and accept the consequences, it's not right for him to believe he's with someone who isn't really who she says she is, you know?

I don't know that I'd even consider it cheating, honestly. I mean, is a sexless relationship even a relationship? I suppose if you got together and had a long talk and basically said "look, we're not going to have sex until x, y, and z happens" (why anyone would do that I don't know), then sleeping with other people after that would be a betrayal. But just assuming some form of loyalty simply because you are dating or talk a lot to someone (while having no sex)? I don't think that's much of a violation, especially if she made it clear she wants it.

Put it this way - if I started dating a guy and we never got it on beyond a point where I thought we should, and I made my desires clear, and he still wouldn't do anything, I wouldn't feel guilty getting it elsewhere.

[danigirl]

These are two extremes coming together and it can't end well. He seems to have such a low sex drive that even a woman with an average sex drive couldn't settle for. And you seem to have a very high sex drive, which could potentially get you in trouble whether you're in a relationship with this guy or another. But that's hypothetical. What seems clear is that this is not the romantic relationship for you.

[jen1447]

I do think she should level with the guy. Basically tell him that if he's not going to provide for her sexually, she'll look for that elsewhere. Confessing to all the outside sex she's had behind his back could be a major problem though, because if his position on premarital sex is religion-based and absolute, finding out that the woman he loves and wants to marry has slept with all these men every day during their relationship could really wreck him.