[kairi2723]

This might be long, in advance, I'm sorry but please read it all.

My boyfriend's in the marines. We've been together 1 year and 2 months. The last time he came home was in May. He made wonderful plans with me then cancelled a day+ in advance. I even told him I'd come to his city to make it easier for him. He didn't invite me over.

On our 1 year anniversary (during his time off) he spent 3 hours with me. We messed around, talked, danced, watched tv, and he texted his friends trying to figure out when they wanted to hang.

When he's back at base I get mad about how he treated me. I tell him I don't need this and I leave. He begged me to come back and promised he wouldn't cancel our dates next time, in July. He even got his act together & treated me better. So, we develop plans for when he comes back home. I even make sure he establishes the days we'll do stuff on so he can tell everyone that that's my designated time. He acts ok with it but when he comes home...

We spend the first day at a hotel. It was great, we spent more time talking and discussing his family, friends than anything else. I watched him texting his friends, and he'd even put them on speaker when they'd call him.

Next day I was supposed to meet his mom and family. We'd agreed a week in advance that he'd hop the train and get me and bring me to meet them. The day comes, he says come on your own. I'm angry, but I say w/e. An argument occurs about something else, and long story short, to avoid embarrassment and awkwardness, I decide not to meet his family.

The problem with our relationship is he lives on his family and friends' timelines. The plans I make with him fall void in comparison to spontaneous plans his friends develop. Another problem, we breakup and get back together all the time. Normally, I'm the one breaking up and of course he complains about this to friends and family and they tell him I'm not good enough for him, which leads to more problems...

He doesn't respect my time; he doesn't keep the promises he makes. He lies, and he's too ***** to stand up and tell me what he will and won't do until the time comes for him to do it, which not only makes me want to KILL HIM, but it makes it harder for me to even trust or want to be with him.

When it occurs to me that the only way I can get him to treat me right is to get his family and friends to like me, it's too late. B/c by then, I'm in revenge mode for him attempting to break our plans, and not b/c of friends or family, (Though he used his family as an excuse, a stupid excuse since I knew he was lying... again.) but b/c he didn't really want to come to my city and do them. Had I known that he wanted me in his city the whole week, we could've worked out a new plan & I wouldn't have gotten as mad as I AM. I wanted revenge for the way he'd been wasting my time, the way he'd been giving all these empty promises over the last couple months.

So I tell him forget our plans, come take the train, pick me up and bring me to your city b/c I've never been there before. & I told him if he did that, that I'd continue to see him over there for the rest of the week. He says no just come and I'll meet you halfway, but that's just not good enough for me.

So we fight for 2 days straight. I give an ultimatum about it and he chooses not to. We're not together anymore.

He's selfish. When it comes to me, if he's not "getting anything out of it," he won't do it. When it comes to his family, he'll bend over backwards. Am I jealous? Yes. I try to be understanding, but he won't give me room for it. He'll bail on me and/or disrespect my time.

MY QUESTION IS was I wrong for wanting more from him? After all this time, I just asked him to take the 1 hour journey to get me b/c I needed him to do something for me. Something to show that he cared about me like he cares for his family. As a way to apologize for trying to change our plans, and he just wouldn't do it for no other reason than that he didn't want to. And now the week's wasted.

[CHANDLERS WISH]

I understand you want the romance with your relationship, him courting you, coming to get you. But, that's double time, I don't think that it was wrong of him to say he'd meet you half way. That to me just makes sense.

I think, demanding won't and doesn't work with people. He is away a lot off course, in addition to you, there is family and there are friends. I understand you want quality time as well and to feel loved.

He's young from the sounds of it. I don't think the answer is befriending his friends and family and it does sound as if he talks about you to them and they don't approve. But it also sounds as if you need to relax a little, let things flow a little.

[kairi2723]

I understand you want the romance with your relationship, him courting you, coming to get you. But, that's double time, I don't think that it was wrong of him to say he'd meet you half way. That to me just makes sense.

I think, demanding won't and doesn't work with people. He is away a lot off course, in addition to you, there is family and there are friends. I understand you want quality time as well and to feel loved.

He's young from the sounds of it. I don't think the answer is befriending his friends and family and it does sound as if he talks about you to them and they don't approve. But it also sounds as if you need to relax a little, let things flow a little.

You're right. I don't think I would've jumped on the "come get me" boat if I hadn't been angry with him xD ... I don't really like lists, but to make this shorter...

1. He forgot my birthday, which was just a couple of weeks ago. All he said was sorry.
2. No anniversary gift, no celebration.
3. No Christmas or Valentine's gifts despite the fact that during that time he'd had $4,000+ saved up.
4. He was supposed to make up for forgetting my bday among other things but he didn't even try.
5. He wanted to back out of a date I'd been looking forward to for months. Nothing expensive, something corney, ihop.
6. He didn't tell his mom I was coming... they told him to invite a friend and he invited me. As you know, they don't exactly like me... he didn't even warn them... and then after an irrelevant argument, & me telling him i was done >.> he told them a friend was coming, if I'd come, he'd have introduced me as a friend, even though they knew we'd been dating, which would've been really, unsavory.
7. I was starting to get worn out from him being in the military. We text so often when he's on base that I found it easy to forget that he's in the military. But as soon as he mentioned infantry I panicked and got desperate to move near his base, but b/c I'm broke & in college... & he didn't offer to help me (his fam mooches off him financially, he wants a woman who has work ethic). In the end he said I could deal with the long distance or leave him.

All of this came together & made me lose it.

& I did try to communicate with him before getting vengeful and telling him to come get me. But the communicating did nothing. He didn't even apologize for not telling his mom I was coming or for trying to cancel a date that he knew I'd wanted. He didn't care. He wasn't always like this, he changes when he comes home. Makes me wonder if he's using me.

He'd been on vacation in FL with his family the week before he came home (1.75 weeks leave), which made me think he'd be more eager/open minded about hanging with me. But that's not even the problem lol

I don't mind him loving his friends and family. I think it's sweet and makes him an amazing guy, but his willingness to cancel dates and abruptly leave dates. & do NOTHING I want to do. Ever... I can only tolerate so much. I give him gifts for his bday, Christmas... I'm supportive and despite the consistent breaking up, I am invested. I want to see this relationship lead to marriage and children, but I get nothing from this. He tells me sweet nothings to pacify me with no intention of following through. He never reciprocates gifts; he never reciprocates sacrifices. He doesn't do anything I want to do unless he gets something out of it.

All he does for me is give me someone to talk to. He's my best friend. I can talk to him about anything. He knows how to make me happy, but when the crap hits the fan, that won't be enough to keep our relationship alive. It's his way or the highway, and since he's not willing to compromise or fix our problems, it's like why should I?

Absolutely, he tells me to calm down too lol I can be very bossy and controlling, but I wasn't like that a few months ago. I was a nice, thoughtful, good girlfriend. When he'd say something disrespectful to me, I'd even calmly tell him it wasn't ok. & if he didn't hear me, which was often, we'd end up arguing. I tried to be mature, but he thought he could take me for granted and he did. He had the nerve to tell me he was waiting for someone better to come along. He told me he wanted someone assertive, so I showed him a new side of me & that.. obviously isn't working either. I can't find the BALANCE. If I'm nice & understanding, the next day he thinks he can do whatever he wants!

The last time he came, we'd been having a great relationship despite the distance, I made myself open to things he wanted to do, like meeting his friends (he suggested it) and then he backed out, and I accepted it. & I volunteered, volunteered to come there and hang with him and his friends, but he wasn't up for that. His mom threw a bbq and he didn't invite me. Later he told me it was b/c his mom didn't like me. He wasn't that into me, despite how happy we'd been when he was on base...

He'd told me that he loved me and he wasn't going anywhere. He thanked me for putting up with his crap, but when he came home he had the nerve to avoid texting me for 2 days. I had to text him. All this from me being a good girlfriend. It's like if I don't roar and complain, he'll walk all over me. Even this week, when I'd been understanding about him leaving the hotel early, the next day, when I talked to him about what we were going to do that Sunday, as soon as I gave him control, he changed our plans completely. All of the things I wanted to do, he took out of the picture. So I kind of had to set him straight.

I'm so worn out from him. I want to let it flow but when I try that, it goes nowhere or horribly wrong. Yep, he just turned 19. I just turned 20. Before the marines, he was actually, pretty wonderful, as was I. The distance has been wearing on us both.

[CHANDLERS WISH]

I'm stopping at the no gifts.

I'm also thinking back to the parents thing.

Do you class this relationship as "serious"?

I'm starting to wonder whether you are the girl back home. And, that your "demands" Are you trying to get the recognition of being a girlfriend, when you are not actually being treated as one, shown off as one.

[CHANDLERS WISH]

He had the nerve to tell me he was waiting for someone better to come along. He told me he wanted someone assertive

What I also want to say to you, is this. Whilst compromise is important in a relationship, working out ways to make someone treat you right only to be treated worse or the same, is that what you deserve?

Being assertive is knowing who you are, what you want out of life and going out and getting it. I guess, keeping "him" guessing, wondering and wanting assurance that you love him.

I doubt his parents don't like you, I doubt they know about you and if they do he's down played things, he's 19 and has joined the Military.. A lot of responsibility and a lot of growing up to do..

I don't know if this guy honestly is worth your time. Seems he has disrespected you constantly and not treating you right.

You mention "Hotel" is that where he sees you when he comes home?

[Claret]

The writing is on the wall and has been for a while. He is just not in to you. Read everything you've written here and pretend it's from your best female friend or sister (or daughter for that matter) and then tell us what you would say to them about this situation. This isn't a relationship, you are not girlfriend/boyfriend, you are not even dating for that matter so why all the high expectations.
Please, write down what you would say, I'd be interested in reading it.

[kairi2723]

I'm stopping at the no gifts.

I'm also thinking back to the parents thing.

Do you class this relationship as "serious"?

I'm starting to wonder whether you are the girl back home. And, that your "demands" Are you trying to get the recognition of being a girlfriend, when you are not actually being treated as one, shown off as one.

Lol

& not really, tbh. I asked him (before he went on leave) how he felt about our future and he said he saw us being together for a long time. I asked what happens when he leaves the marines, he said he'll move back home, go to college and we'll see each other more often. He didn't mention marriage or moving in together and although he wants me to move near him on base, he didn't volunteer to help, so yeah... I was planning to leave him based on that but he said he didn't want us to breakup & that he loved me & yadaya.

I want it to be serious b/c I love absolutely love our conversations. & in person, his energy, (and i don't mean sex xD) is so magnetic, I want to be apart of his world. It's frightfully inviting, (although I didn't go when he asked..) but because he doesn't treat me the way I need him to, I didn't see why we should move to the next step. So no.

That's exactly what messes me up! When he's on base, he texts me every single day. He initiates it and it's an alllll day event. Usually if I don't tell him I have to do a college class or I have to go to sleep, he won't stop writing me. While he's at work, during his classes (unless he has a test), at the barracks, on his way to walmart (some1 else drives). He's addicted, completely committed. (He hadn't had sex since the last time we did it, wont go into detail about how I know, but yes, he's not cheating.)

So after all this, when he comes home, it's like I don't exist. Mind you, this past time, you were right before, it was mostly my fault. I got too on edge b/c I thought he was about to treat me like he usually did, but he was actually gonna take me to ihop in his city. & i'd forgotten that I actually agreed to that the month before, we'd just been switching plans so often... v.v

Anyway, he used to treat me like whatever when he came home. This time he didn't, not as much. But, at the same time, he's still at fault for thinking he could get away with all the stuff he pulled so it's like.. grrr

[kairi2723]

What I also want to say to you, is this. Whilst compromise is important in a relationship, working out ways to make someone treat you right only to be treated worse or the same, is that what you deserve?

Being assertive is knowing who you are, what you want out of life and going out and getting it. I guess, keeping "him" guessing, wondering and wanting assurance that you love him.

I doubt his parents don't like you, I doubt they know about you and if they do he's down played things, he's 19 and has joined the Military.. A lot of responsibility and a lot of growing up to do..

I don't know if this guy honestly is worth your time. Seems he has disrespected you constantly and not treating you right.

You mention "Hotel" is that where he sees you when he comes home?

No v.v I just have trouble letting go of relationships until I know I've tried everything. My last one lasted 4 years (off and on, mostly off, we'd spend at least 3-6 months apart, then we'd try again). I actually managed to get my ex wrapped around my finger around the 2nd year. It lasted 11 months, 11 perfect months but b/c I was getting revenge in the process (he was a cheater), we didn't last. I kinda exposed my evil plan at the end & he got me back for it.

**nods** that's definitely how it seems since nothing I've tried seems to work. I mean, I got farther than I ever had this time. He actually wanted me involved in his life, but then again, the only reason he wanted me to meet his mom is b/c I wanted to meet her. It's like what did I win, really? A puppet? & when he's not letting me pull the strings, he's selfish, thoughtless, disrespectful. Now he wasn't like this before but since I've become more... controlling, is a good word, he's developed into a liar! Or maybe he always was! I feel like I don't know him anymore!

That could be the case. I mean, she knew about me in the beginning, wanted to meet me but now since we've broken up so often, I doubt she even knew we were still together. & you're right, I should let him go. Now's the time for him to grow and spread his wings. Texting me all day won't help him, it'll just hold him back. It'll hold us both back.

He's not, I just don't want to deal with the grief. I'm in summer school doing online courses for medical transcription. I already distract myself from school b/c i'm lazy, but adding sorrow and rage to that... I can't afford to mess up my grades, it's REally hard to get a good job in this field unless you graduate with honors.

Nah, he usually came over to my gran's. Which is another thing, we haven't been on a real date since September. He came home in Dec and May. He didn't take me out either times and he was getting paid back then xD I mean, this time he would have taken me to ihop in brooklyn but... bad communicating and anger killed that.

So no, the hotel was my idea, I'm the sex addict in our relationship. & when he came to the hotel, I learned that he hadn't been cheating (thank GOD) and mostly we just talked, namely him. He told me all his secrets. It was beautiful xD so no, he wasn't just using me for sex, this time. I actually got somewhere this time.. & I blew it.

[kairi2723]

The writing is on the wall and has been for a while. He is just not in to you. Read everything you've written here and pretend it's from your best female friend or sister (or daughter for that matter) and then tell us what you would say to them about this situation. This isn't a relationship, you are not girlfriend/boyfriend, you are not even dating for that matter so why all the high expectations.
Please, write down what you would say, I'd be interested in reading it.

He's using you and he's trying to get everything he can from you. Whatever you give, he's willing to take with no intention of giving back. This is an unhealthy relationship you're in and it's unfair to you. Now I know he acts like he's 100% into you when he's on base, but that's just him using you again. He doesn't want to be there. He's lonely. He has low self esteem and is insecure about who he is. So what does he do? He works to make you feel the same way. He's been trying to bring you to his level... even under his level by making you constantly unsure, confused, and insecure about where the relationship stands. He hasn't been doing it as much as he used to, but the problems are still there. This is also known as emotional abuse.

[removed link]

Here are some important parts from this blog that I want you to read, and tell me this isn't you...

"If you are in a relationship where you have a sick sense that SOMETHING is wrong, but somehow it's always YOUR fault, and you find yourself always trying to "fix" things, this article may be for you."

"The more subtle forms of emotional abuse can be the hardest to escape from, because the gaps between the loving, caring behavior and the emotional cruelty can span several weeks or months. However, someone who is nice and caring, and helpful for 2 or 3 months at a time, but then deliberately does or says something very emotionally devastating and cruel to a partner is no better than someone who does the same nice things but then PUNCHES his partner once every few months. The pain, the insecurity, the uncertainty, and the heartache are the same."

"They can include being disrespectful, discourteous, rude, condescending, patronizing, critical, judgmental, "joking" insults, lying, repeatedly "forgetting" promises and agreements, betrayal of trust, "setting you up", and "revising" history."

"She keeps hoping that if she does enough, if she gives enough, he will stop hurting her and the loving, caring side of him will prevail. Unfortunately, this is a fallacy that often keeps the woman in the relationship for far too long. Ask yourself: Do you have a drawer full of "apology" jewelry, or a closet full of "apology" clothes?"

No, but with the way you were treated, you should!!

"If an abuser can cause YOU to lose control, it proves how healthy HE is..."

"Abusers play the pushme-pull-you game threatening to withdraw their affections, dropping statements out of the blue intended to destabilize. This has the effect of making their partners insecure and uncertain, but that plays right into the abuser's hand as he then can accuse the partner of being "too needy". Ploys such as casually talking about how he's thinking of taking a job in another city are one such example of destabilizing talk."

He did this when he told you out of the blue that he was thinking of joining infantry. You guys were finally growing closer. & he knew he didn't really want to do that. What he said made you panic, and it changed the dynamic of the relationship. Something he does.. a LOT.

"Since abuse is really about control, the abuser knows he can have the upper hand in the relationship if he can keep her uncertain and insecure."

I don't know if he knew what he was doing, but he said a lot of unsavory things during those earlier months. He made you very uneasy and confused and when you'd tell him you needed to feel safe in the relationship, he'd never try. YET he never wanted you to leave either.

"Emotional abusers expect more from their partners than they are willing to put into a relationship. The problem is, no matter how much the partner gives, it will never be enough, and the abuser will expect more - because the relationship isn't about love for the abuser, it's about control."

"Emotional abusers expect their partners to change for them. Unfortunately, the changes the partner makes will never be enough - the abuser will always want more."

"Non-abusers who genuinely ACCIDENTALLY hurt a loved one's feelings, do not refuse to nurture those feelings - they help repair the emotional damage, and they don't repeatedly make the same "mistakes" over and over with their partners."

"If you question his about-face, he will accuse you of not allowing him the right to change his mind. While people legitimately DO change their minds about things, abusers will do it often, and without warning, with maximum rug-yanking effect for their partners."

"Emotional abusers often display different personalities to other people in their lives - watch for a completely changed demeanor, behavior, body language and even tone of voice, when they are at work, or with a circle of friends."

"Emotional abusers, like physical abusers, can be exceedingly charming -that's why it's so hard for the victim of abuse - their friends only see the charming side, and don't see the discourtesy, lies, meanness, condescension and rudeness that happens inside the relationship."

"Abusers are completely self-centered. They blame other people and seldom take responsibility for their own actions."

"Emotional abusers hate apologizing - and if they DO apologize, they will only do the same thing again."

"Abusers may, early in the relationship, in a moment of "opening up", tell you of their abusive or manipulative nature...In fact, what they are looking for is absolution in advance for behavior they will later inflict on you."


He told you he was selfish on your 4th date. You didn't understand why but I remember you told me you appreciated his honesty. Now you know why he told you.

"In order to gain sympathy, the abuser will share convincing stories of his burdens, including stories of how he was abused as a child, or how he witnessed his mother being assaulted by his father."

I remember he told you his father and step-dad were both physically abusive towards his mother. Although the situation has changed over the years, it's affected him negatively. In addition, the mental and physical trauma he had to go through during training could also be wearing on him as well. However, this is no excuse for him to treat you this way. To be frank, he was like this before he joined the Marines, insecure.

The inconvenience of this is you tend to do things from the full article's list of emotional abusive behavior as well. You didn't used to act like this. You're starting to mirror his behavior and it's unacceptable.

You asked him what was wrong with you. He said nothing, remember? He wasn't lying. He just can't love you the right way.

If you stay much longer, you both will drain each other until there's nothing left. If you love him, you have to let go. Let him find his path.

[CHANDLERS WISH]

That's one heck of a reply to Claret - and one that I think you should re-read a few times. In fact, there are a couple of sentences I want to re-read a couple of times, given I am still yet to Divorce and some of that is scary