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Good Guys / Bad guys, how to recognize them

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  • Good Guys / Bad guys, how to recognize them

    One thing I find very depressing about this discussion group is how many women seem to end up with really awful partners. I thought it might be interesting to start a thread of good and bad warning signs. I can post a few, but since I'm a guy,and have been in a happy relationship for 30 years, I"m not the best one to do it. It would be good if some women who have been in bad relationships could post suggestions. I really hope people will read and post.

    Good sign - a positive indication that someone might be a good person
    Warning sign- something to worry about, but might be OK depending on other issues
    Danger sign - Leave unless there is some huge mitigating factor.
    Emergency - Leave immediately - no going back, no matter what else he has done or said.

    Some examples:

    Good sign: someone who stays calm and cheerful even when things go bad. On a dinner date the food is late / wrong/ bad, the waiter spills wine in his lap etc, but the guy takes it in stride and doesn't get angry. (I think you can learn more about someone if a date goes badly, than if it goes well).

    Warning sign: He is very concerned about money - whether he is complaining that he has too little, or bragging that he has a lot.

    Danger sign: He gets angry over some small provocation. Even worse if he gets angry, apologizes, then does it again - standard abuser behavior.

    Emergency: He hits you - ever. (except as part of agreed upon sex play).

  • The big thing is they can be very personable at first. They may rush in and be your gallant, they may save you from so many things. They can ingratiate themselves into your lives, so gradually, and then so completely and you've never seen them actually do this. They can be charming, the good old boy, the head-of-the-house, the saviour. They can become everything to you and to those around you. They'll want to take care of you, make certain you need nothing, nothing but him. Then it all turns and it's all because of him that you are where you are today, he made it all happen, he supports you, you're nothing and will have nothing without him. You don't need other people, doesn't he take care of you afterall. He limits the time you spend with your family, he limits the amount of money you get to feed the household, he limits the amount of time you have to go shopping, get your hair done. You won't go to a doctor without him there, very worried about you, because you seem to trip a lot, or fall or have accidents.

    He'll dress you up in provocative clothing, taking you out, then when someone pays attention to you he'll tell you you're a ********, a ********** and that you asked for the slap he just gave you. You see, it's your fault. Dinner is on the table and he won't be home until mid-night and dinner is cold, he'll smack the sh... out of you, but you see, it's your fault dinner is cold. You should be taking better care of him the way he takes care of you.

    I could go on and on, but I'm sure you get the picture. There often aren't any warning signs until it's too late. The only think you can do if you are the victim, is make sure you have a safe escape and take care of yourself.

    But see also, there is a need on the side of the victim. In the beginning you think you need someone to take care of you because you haven't the confidence in yourself. This is a warning sign. The danger sign will be you thinking that you don't deserve anyone or anything better and accepting what is happening and allowing it to happen.

    A good sign is when you realize your worth, take steps to protect yourself and your children, value yourself and be proud of yourself and realize that you can make it on your own.
    That which we forget may as well never really happened.

    Comment


    • Pollon, I can't bring myself to click "like" on that description, wish there was an "agree" button. Do you think the abusers plan it, that they have a script? Or do you think they just have a sort of natural evil talent. I completely agree that most abusers take advantage of women with low self-esteem. Believing in yourself is the best defense.

      I would add:
      Danger: He tries to cut you off from your family and friends. Except in very rare cases of really troublesome friends, there is not good excuse for trying to get someone to break contact with other people.

      Comment


      • Who were you replying to?
        That which we forget may as well never really happened.

        Comment


        • If you are replying to me:

          Originally posted by rcoreyus View Post
          Pollon, I can't bring myself to click "like" on that description, wish there was an "agree" button. Do you think the abusers plan it, that they have a script? Or do you think they just have a sort of natural evil talent. I completely agree that most abusers take advantage of women with low self-esteem. Believing in yourself is the best defense.

          I would add:
          Danger: He tries to cut you off from your family and friends. Except in very rare cases of really troublesome friends, there is not good excuse for trying to get someone to break contact with other people.
          This is up there. I just didn't elaborate too much, but the isolation is from everyone that could possibly have an influence on you.

          This all also is from first hand experience, my experience.

          Do they have a script? In many cases - yes they do, it is the one way that they feel in control, in power, it is one way they can bolster their own confidence. Unfortunately they don't understand that this actually makes them very weak as a person. When the victim actually takes back her? (could be a him too) power - he is left powerless and impotent. This is why he continues to try to get things back to his normal -- so he'll feel normal and worthwhile.
          That which we forget may as well never really happened.

          Comment


          • Are we discussing only signals of potential abusers? Or guys in general who won't likely make good partners?
            Thankfully I can say I have no experience with abuse so I cannot contribute.
            I do have ideas otherwise

            Comment


            • Calret -this post was in response to various posts over the years.

              Atskitty2 - I may be completely wrong here, but I think there is a complete spectrum of bad behavior from mere selfishness to serious abuse. Maybe the entire idea of the thread is too broad. I guess I was looking for general signs of men to avoid, including abusers.

              Comment


              • Claret, I think he was talking to you, not Pollon.
                [FONT=Trebuchet MS][COLOR="#800080"][B][SIZE=4]Woman trapped inside a woman's body![/SIZE][/COLOR][/B][/FONT]

                Comment


                • Originally posted by jen1447 View Post
                  Claret, I think he was talking to you, not Pollon.
                  I figured it was in reply to me after I re-read it, but just wanted to be sure.
                  That which we forget may as well never really happened.

                  Comment


                  • Originally posted by Claret View Post
                    But see also, there is a need on the side of the victim. In the beginning you think you need someone to take care of you because you haven't the confidence in yourself. This is a warning sign. The danger sign will be you thinking that you don't deserve anyone or anything better and accepting what is happening and allowing it to happen.
                    I think that looking at oneself is solid. There's too much finger pointing on both sides. I don't think good mates are necessarily easy to come across, but if you're in a bad relationship - especially if it keeps happening - you need to do some soul-searching. Most of the times it takes two to tango.
                    "Those sowing seed with tears
                    Will reap with a joyful shout." - Psalm 126

                    Comment


                    • That's such a complicated question. There are so many underlying reasons why someone might seem like a "bad egg". Personally, my advice to try seed through the good vs bad is to take your time. Don't rush into anything, give yourself space and freedom so you have the ability to assess the situation and aren't so sucked into the relationship you're blinded. Obviously, you should be respected, treated kindly, listened to, and they have to be willing to compromise sometimes. It might take some time for the "bad habits" to surface, but if you take your time it eventually will. Always keep in mind though that sometimes people make mistakes, we are not perfect, we're only human, but that is not an excuse for someone to treat you like poo. It's basically loving yourself. Would you treat anyone that person treats you? Then why allow them to treat you that way. Love yourself as you love others.
                      ~Catwoman~

                      Comment


                      • I've never been involved with an abuser personally, so I have no first-hand knowledge. I'm reasonably familiar due to secondhand accounts tho. The best input I have is to suggest that women simply pay attention to their intuition. I think these guys can indeed be very sneaky, but it's really really hard to hide that completely, and our intuition is a powerful tool, so I suspect many women have some inkling ahead of time. If you get 'that feeling,' run asap. It's much harder for them to control you before they get fully entrenched.

                        I thought this was a good question:

                        Originally posted by rcoreyus
                        Do you think the abusers plan it, that they have a script? Or do you think they just have a sort of natural evil talent.
                        Like I think you stated, there are tiers here. Some guys may not be innately evil (and yes, a genuine abuser is imo straight up evil) but sort of grow into it due to a variety of factors - insecurity, low self esteem, etc. But I do believe that the real hardcore ones do in fact have a 'plan,' with steps designed to bring about the desired behavior and get the dominoes to fall like they want - charm, ingratiate, imbed, attack self esteem, set controls, isolate, 'discipline,' etc. It's disgusting that there could be such people out there but they're not uncommon really. Makes you wonder just who all out there is really a psycopath lol - the guy at the gas station, your banker, the guy who bags your groceries, the guy who installed trim at the factory on your car, etc., etc. It's creepy.
                        [FONT=Trebuchet MS][COLOR="#800080"][B][SIZE=4]Woman trapped inside a woman's body![/SIZE][/COLOR][/B][/FONT]

                        Comment


                        • Other thoughts:

                          Try to never put yourself in a situation in a relationship where you can't just leave if you want to. No matter how wonderful things are, I think its important to not be completely dependent on another person.

                          One more for my list:

                          Warning sign: Someone who is too "smooth" when you first meet them. Most people are a bit nervous, reserved, etc when they first talk to an attractive person of the desired gender. Someone who seems perfectly calm, smooth, prepared may have a plan, don't care about rejection because they will simply move to the next target.

                          Comment


                          • I would argue there are several personality/character traits that determine is a guys is a good choice for a life mate. Among them I would put Attentiveness, Honesty, Responsibility and Respect.

                            With regard to a avoiding a "bad" guy, I would consider Respect to be the far most important quality to look for. A man who doesn't respect others, women, the relationship and especially his mate is going to be a huge problem. Why he doesn't have respect for all these things may have roots in various things, but the end result is that he ends up treating his mate in ways that make the relationship unbearable.

                            A general lack of respect for women means his partner will never be an equal in his eyes, so he doesn't have to consider her input for anything. He may fake respect to get what he wants, but a woman in that relationship always feels his condescension.

                            A general lack of respect for others causes a distance, either by avoidance or conflict, between himself (and his partner) and others (including friends, family, etc). Actively or passively the two of them will end up isolated.

                            A lack of respect for the relationship means he will not protect the relationship boundaries and make little effort to maintain the relationship. For him, the relationship is there to serve him rather than he being obligated to serve the relationship. He is more likely to ignore the relationship and engage in inappropriate relationships with other women ranging from texting to sexting, from flirting to touching, and from emotional to physical affairs.

                            A lack of respect for his mate means that she, as a person, is less valuable than he is. She is an object to serve him and he, by his superior worth, is entitled to do what he wishes with her--including abuse.

                            Often this lack of respect has been modeled for them. Therefore, I love what my mother told me. If you want to know how a man is going to treat his wife, watch how his father treats his mother. Of course it doesn't always turn out that way, but it's a reference point from which to determine if and why the guy is different from his father.

                            So keeping an eye on his treatment of others (like the service staff on your dates), attitude toward women and how he describes is ex can all give an indication of his level of respect.

                            The tactics a disrespectful guy uses to lure in and then isolate women vary from the extremely caring and attentive to the hard-to-get playboy, but I think the lack of respect tends to lead the same end.

                            Comment


                            • For those of you going the online route, when you see a 40-50 yr old man whose longest relationship is a year or so...probably a good idea to run the other way.

                              Comment

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