[rcoreyus]

One thing I find very depressing about this discussion group is how many women seem to end up with really awful partners. I thought it might be interesting to start a thread of good and bad warning signs. I can post a few, but since I'm a guy,and have been in a happy relationship for 30 years, I"m not the best one to do it. It would be good if some women who have been in bad relationships could post suggestions. I really hope people will read and post.

Good sign - a positive indication that someone might be a good person
Warning sign- something to worry about, but might be OK depending on other issues
Danger sign - Leave unless there is some huge mitigating factor.
Emergency - Leave immediately - no going back, no matter what else he has done or said.

Some examples:

Good sign: someone who stays calm and cheerful even when things go bad. On a dinner date the food is late / wrong/ bad, the waiter spills wine in his lap etc, but the guy takes it in stride and doesn't get angry. (I think you can learn more about someone if a date goes badly, than if it goes well).

Warning sign: He is very concerned about money - whether he is complaining that he has too little, or bragging that he has a lot.

Danger sign: He gets angry over some small provocation. Even worse if he gets angry, apologizes, then does it again - standard abuser behavior.

Emergency: He hits you - ever. (except as part of agreed upon sex play).

[Claret]

The big thing is they can be very personable at first. They may rush in and be your gallant, they may save you from so many things. They can ingratiate themselves into your lives, so gradually, and then so completely and you've never seen them actually do this. They can be charming, the good old boy, the head-of-the-house, the saviour. They can become everything to you and to those around you. They'll want to take care of you, make certain you need nothing, nothing but him. Then it all turns and it's all because of him that you are where you are today, he made it all happen, he supports you, you're nothing and will have nothing without him. You don't need other people, doesn't he take care of you afterall. He limits the time you spend with your family, he limits the amount of money you get to feed the household, he limits the amount of time you have to go shopping, get your hair done. You won't go to a doctor without him there, very worried about you, because you seem to trip a lot, or fall or have accidents.

He'll dress you up in provocative clothing, taking you out, then when someone pays attention to you he'll tell you you're a ****, a ***** and that you asked for the slap he just gave you. You see, it's your fault. Dinner is on the table and he won't be home until mid-night and dinner is cold, he'll smack the sh... out of you, but you see, it's your fault dinner is cold. You should be taking better care of him the way he takes care of you.

I could go on and on, but I'm sure you get the picture. There often aren't any warning signs until it's too late. The only think you can do if you are the victim, is make sure you have a safe escape and take care of yourself.

But see also, there is a need on the side of the victim. In the beginning you think you need someone to take care of you because you haven't the confidence in yourself. This is a warning sign. The danger sign will be you thinking that you don't deserve anyone or anything better and accepting what is happening and allowing it to happen.

A good sign is when you realize your worth, take steps to protect yourself and your children, value yourself and be proud of yourself and realize that you can make it on your own.

[rcoreyus]

Pollon, I can't bring myself to click "like" on that description, wish there was an "agree" button. Do you think the abusers plan it, that they have a script? Or do you think they just have a sort of natural evil talent. I completely agree that most abusers take advantage of women with low self-esteem. Believing in yourself is the best defense.

I would add:
Danger: He tries to cut you off from your family and friends. Except in very rare cases of really troublesome friends, there is not good excuse for trying to get someone to break contact with other people.

[Claret]

Who were you replying to?

[Claret]

If you are replying to me:

Pollon, I can't bring myself to click "like" on that description, wish there was an "agree" button. Do you think the abusers plan it, that they have a script? Or do you think they just have a sort of natural evil talent. I completely agree that most abusers take advantage of women with low self-esteem. Believing in yourself is the best defense.

I would add:
Danger: He tries to cut you off from your family and friends. Except in very rare cases of really troublesome friends, there is not good excuse for trying to get someone to break contact with other people.

This is up there. I just didn't elaborate too much, but the isolation is from everyone that could possibly have an influence on you.

This all also is from first hand experience, my experience.

Do they have a script? In many cases - yes they do, it is the one way that they feel in control, in power, it is one way they can bolster their own confidence. Unfortunately they don't understand that this actually makes them very weak as a person. When the victim actually takes back her? (could be a him too) power - he is left powerless and impotent. This is why he continues to try to get things back to his normal -- so he'll feel normal and worthwhile.

[atskitty2]

Are we discussing only signals of potential abusers? Or guys in general who won't likely make good partners?
Thankfully I can say I have no experience with abuse so I cannot contribute.
I do have ideas otherwise

[rcoreyus]

Calret -this post was in response to various posts over the years.

Atskitty2 - I may be completely wrong here, but I think there is a complete spectrum of bad behavior from mere selfishness to serious abuse. Maybe the entire idea of the thread is too broad. I guess I was looking for general signs of men to avoid, including abusers.

[jen1447]

Claret, I think he was talking to you, not Pollon.

[Claret]

Claret, I think he was talking to you, not Pollon.

I figured it was in reply to me after I re-read it, but just wanted to be sure.

[Stillness]

But see also, there is a need on the side of the victim. In the beginning you think you need someone to take care of you because you haven't the confidence in yourself. This is a warning sign. The danger sign will be you thinking that you don't deserve anyone or anything better and accepting what is happening and allowing it to happen.

I think that looking at oneself is solid. There's too much finger pointing on both sides. I don't think good mates are necessarily easy to come across, but if you're in a bad relationship - especially if it keeps happening - you need to do some soul-searching. Most of the times it takes two to tango.