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Is wanting to find my Mr Right and have a child at age 40 unrealistic? :(

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  • Is wanting to find my Mr Right and have a child at age 40 unrealistic? :(

    You wouldn't believe how much online dating had changed as soon as I turned 40. It was like I fell off every guys radar. But I did change my profile also. I had originally had not sure under wanting a child. I was afraid at my age, who knows if I could conceive, so I shouldn't put definitely under children.

    But when I turned 40, I said to myself, stop kidding yourself. Because I have always wanted to have a baby and raise him or her. But it seems no guys out there who want to have a child, wants to get to know a woman who is 40. Even though they are older than 40, it is that same thing as always, they want a younger woman. I guess in their defense, a younger woman would definitely make conceiving easier when the time came.

    I do want to find my Mr. Right, not just a guy to have a baby with. But I also do want to have a child with that guy. The last few months I have talked to very few men. I have been ignoring the guys who don't want children. But I'm starting to think that maybe I'm kidding myself here. That wanting a child at my age is crazy and by turning away all of the guys who don't want children, I'm going to just end up growing old alone.

    What do you think? Should I start to take notice of the guys who don't want children and give up my dream of having a child? The thought of it just wants to make me scream. But then maybe wanting a child at my age is not reality.
    [SIZE=2][FONT=Arial][COLOR="#000080"]Why do we fall, sir? So we can learn to pick ourselves up. ~Alfred Pennyworth, Batman Begins[/COLOR][/FONT][/SIZE]

  • Don't give up on your dream. Having a child is going to be more difficult as you probably have a harder time conceiving. Guys your age and older are more likely to have ED problems and lower sperm counts which will work against you both, too. Have you considered going with a younger man? Best wishes.
    I have but one lamp by which my feet are guided, and that is the lamp of experience.
    Shall we gather strength by irresolution and inaction? Shall we acquire the means of effectual resistance by lying supinely on our backs and hugging the delusive phantom of hope, until our enemies shall have bound us hand and foot?

    From a speech by Patrick Henry on March 23, 1775 at St. John's Church, Richmond, Virginia


    • Think very hard about wanting a child. Have you spent a lot of time (many days, not hours) with someone else's children, or taking care of care of foster children? My wife was absolutely sure that she wanted children until we took some in for foster care. After 6 months she decided that children were not for her. They are right for many people, but not all.


      • There's always adoption if finding someone takes too long.
        "Those sowing seed with tears
        Will reap with a joyful shout." - Psalm 126


        • I'm the only woman that doesn't want children. I'm shocked that the men you encountered don't want children since all of the guys my age (almost 25) want to have one or 2 children. I'm scared if I marry my boyfriend (who is my Mr. Right) this will cause a divorce. However I'm not shocked. Men your age must not want children since they are fine with the children they have from a previous marriage, or they just suffer from ED.
          Spend a lot of time with kids of all ages to see if you want one. I believe women (especially teens) can be impulsive about having children. They think they can handle it since their baby would only cry when they are removed from the womb. They realize this is not true and get frustrated because they don't know what to do.
          Create a Plan B. If time is running out for you, adopt a child and raise it on your own. Being a single mother is tough, so talk to other single moms about their experience before adopting.


          • Jns, I have been looking for guys around the ages of 35 or 36 to about 46 or so. They all want a younger woman.

            As for being around children, I was the youngest in my family and no babies in the family. Finally two years ago my sister had her first child. Definitely not an angel that child lol but I see them and I want that to be me.

            Nirvana, you mention being a single mother. I thought of that briefly only to realize it not a good idea for me. I can afford taking care of myself but I wouldn't be able to afford to give a child everything it would need on my own. It wouldn't be fair to the child. My gynocologist suggested to become a single mother using a sperm bank. Wow, what kind of things they suggest now a days. I never expected that one! Besides, I always thought I would be bringing up that child with my husband by my side.

            The guys who contact me are 50 and older. They don't want kids, not sure they can even have kids. But even if they could, I prefer a guy younger than that. The younger guys all have kids as you mentioned Nirvana, and don't want any more.

            Adoption, I couldn't afford that. That is very expensive. A friend of mine and her husband looked into that and couldn't afford it. Which is sad because they can't have children. It was something like 20,000 to 40,000 and then bringing up the child obviously cost money as I mentioned before. I make it sound like I'm purchasing an object which is sad. But it is only realistic to think that bringing up a child cost money.
            [SIZE=2][FONT=Arial][COLOR="#000080"]Why do we fall, sir? So we can learn to pick ourselves up. ~Alfred Pennyworth, Batman Begins[/COLOR][/FONT][/SIZE]


            • I would assume that most men in their 50's wouldn't want to start over with having children. Having a baby at 50 means that at the child's graduation from high-school the Father would be almost 70. Usually at 50 if they wanted children and assuming they had been previously married (or in a long-term relationship) , they already have children and therefore would probably not want to start over with a baby. If the marriage ended due to a divorce, there is probably still financial obligations to the children they already have.

              Could you temper your response to the questions on the dating site? Could you indicate that you would be willing to be a step-parent to existing children? I realize this doesn't answer your need to have a biological child but it could open the door to meeting men, and those men could possibly reconsider for the right partner.
              That which we forget may as well never really happened.


              • Maybe you're not looking in the right place.
                "Those sowing seed with tears
                Will reap with a joyful shout." - Psalm 126


                • ^ That's what I was thinking. I don't have experience with dating sites (and I don't want to have children anyway), so take this fwiw, but I seem to have heard a lot of negatives about them. Meaning only that if you're looking for Mr. Right on a dating site and he doesn't seem to be there, I don't think it necessarily means he doesn't exist, but that he just is hard to find on the dating site.

                  I know they're convenient and make screening much easier, but maybe you should try the old-fashioned way.

                  Also fwiw, I don't think 40 is the cutoff age for having hopes and dreams lol.
                  [FONT=Trebuchet MS][COLOR="#800080"][B][SIZE=4]Woman trapped inside a woman's body![/SIZE][/COLOR][/B][/FONT]


                  • There is no doubt you are in a tough spot that will make fulfilling your dream a challenge. However, there are some late bloomers out there who want to have a family. But you'd have to search carefully. Are you religious at all? The religious tend to value children very much. Getting involved with your religious community might expose you to a more target-rich environment. My impression, based on their advertising, is that eHarmony is a bit more serious about matching people who want to get married rather than hooking up.

                    As you ponder all of this, consider how you can fulfill the major elements of your dream short of raising your own children. Besides adoption and foster care, there are ways to have a "family" so-to-speak to love and be loved by without birthing them or even living with them. Working with children, becoming an "auntie" to families with children, mentoring, teaching, coaching, etc.

                    FYI, adoption through the foster care system is not expensive. The Department of Social Services pays all the legal costs. There are kids from newborn to 17 year-olds who need homes. You can take the preparation classes and get involved before taking kids into your home so you can get an idea what's involved.

                    Good luck


                    • It is quite possible I'm not looking in the right places but online is the only place I really know of.

                      The online dating site allows the guy to tell you that he has a child, if he has the child living with him part time or full time, or who has one but doesn't live there at all. And the woman can say if she is looking for a guy who has the child full time or part time.

                      I have not selected the guy who has his child full time because I don't see how you can get to know a guy who he has the child full time. And those guys don't usually want more kids anyways. But I have selected the guy who his children live with him part time or not at all. I'm ok with that.

                      As for 50 year old guys, I don't want a guy that old. I'm not one of those women who think that a guy should be ten years older than you. Sadly enough about 80 percent of the guys who contact me are 50 or older. It drives me crazy.

                      I have limited experience with children. I always thought I would get married, and learn on the job, so to speak, with my husband's help. And my mother's help when the child is still a baby. Stuff guys have not much clue about. I guess adoption is a possibility if I was married. But if I can't find a guy who want a child, he probably doesn't want to adopt either.

                      I am a new auntie. But that is all I have. I always wanted more.

                      I believe in God but not religious enough to find a guy through Church. Maybe I should start going to more single events that I use to go to. I guess you can say that is the more natural way. It is very strange finding a guy on a dating website because everything is spelled out to you in advance. You know from his profile that he wants kids or not and that is that. There are guys who put not sure but when I see that, I think that means no but too chicken to say otherwise. It would be my luck that I fall for a guy who is "not sure" when all along what he really meant was no.

                      I just feel like I'm in a lost cause. Once again my life is not at all what I ever expected. I guess that is life for you. If you know me from another part of this website, you'll know my life has not been anything close to normal. The only thing about finding a guy the natural way is I feel like when I hit 40, I went into panic mode. My years to conceive are almost out the door and I feel like I'll never find him or find him too late. I can easily say, yes, I'm in a kind of panic mode!
                      [SIZE=2][FONT=Arial][COLOR="#000080"]Why do we fall, sir? So we can learn to pick ourselves up. ~Alfred Pennyworth, Batman Begins[/COLOR][/FONT][/SIZE]


                      • Bah, panic. You'll be fine hon, everything will work out one way or another. I say so.

                        Oh and you're pretty far from a lost cause. 40 with no children is not the brink of disaster.
                        [FONT=Trebuchet MS][COLOR="#800080"][B][SIZE=4]Woman trapped inside a woman's body![/SIZE][/COLOR][/B][/FONT]


                        • Not wanting to sound like a Chinese fortune cookie, but there are many paths to happiness. Don't fall into the trap of thinking that because you may not be able to follow the path you once wanted, that you can't be happy on some other path.

                          If you find someone and have children, that's great. If you don't you can be happy about other things in life - and enjoy the massive extra free time and money you will have. Don't feel you need to "settle" for some guy because you need to have children - that is not a path to a happy life.


                          • I wrote a long response....sigh...it's gone.


                            • Frustrating, but let me try this again

                              Hi Amber! I'm 41, divorced a couple years now & back into the dating scene, using the online sites as a tool also.

                              First, I don't think there's any reason to give up your dream, & certainly, don't panic!!! But I think it's a good idea to expand your dreams & realize there's more than one route to happy. My life hasn't turned out the way I'd hoped & planned either, but none of us are ever guaranteed anything, we just have to roll with it, stay positive & keep moving forward.

                              I don't have kids of my own and realize I likely never will, and I'm ok with that. It was never something I wanted badly anyway. There are other ways to meet the maternal need that you have. Some good suggestions have been made here, and there are others. Don't rule out adoption or fostering - there are organizations who help subsidize the cost. Look into that. But consider the fact that you can meet your needs with out a man & a baby in your own life.
                              There are big brother/big sister type organizations & many other types of work you can get into. Maybe consider a career change even, to allow you to work with youngsters every day.

                              I volunteer with teenagers. It's created an outlet for my mothering instincts & I am very happy doing it. It's satisfying, rewarding & I don't feel like I've missed out on anything in my life. It's culturally enriching for me, and I feel like I'm making a difference in the world, not just in my own life, or the kids I work with. I've done this for about 7 yrs now.

                              I think when we put limits & narrow ideas on what will make us happy & keep us happy, we get ourselves into a rut, discouraged because that just may not be what "fate" has in store for us.

                              Online dating is a treat isn't it? I have made some friends, but no real love interests. I'm having fun with it tho, and that's the real objective. I've had a ton of laughs, have great stories to tell & sometimes the attention just makes me feel good too!

                              I will tell you, that a man will smell a woman with an "agenda" a mile away. It's good to be up front & honest about your wants, needs & priorities, but it may be that your underlying motive to have a baby comes across much stronger than you realize. Even a man who wants kids may feel undue pressure & be a little put off by this. I don't know if that's happening, but my suspicion is that's coming in to play somewhere. And not all men are after a young thing either. I get contacted by men 19-60, and they mostly have their own agenda as well...but there are good guys out there-even in the crazy world of online dating. I've met some really good guys, but they just weren't good for me, or I wasn't what they're looking for. It happens, and those are some of the friends I've made.

                              Just have fun. We are young!! Dating is supposed to be fun, so just HAVE fun with it, and the right guy will eventually come along, (maybe). But if not, you still have some memories, some fun experiences & times to look back on. If nothing else, you & I will be sitting, single in our rocking chairs around age 85 talking about the hottie who still has all his natural teeth in the room down the hall!



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