[Amber]

You wouldn't believe how much online dating had changed as soon as I turned 40. It was like I fell off every guys radar. But I did change my profile also. I had originally had not sure under wanting a child. I was afraid at my age, who knows if I could conceive, so I shouldn't put definitely under children.

But when I turned 40, I said to myself, stop kidding yourself. Because I have always wanted to have a baby and raise him or her. But it seems no guys out there who want to have a child, wants to get to know a woman who is 40. Even though they are older than 40, it is that same thing as always, they want a younger woman. I guess in their defense, a younger woman would definitely make conceiving easier when the time came.

I do want to find my Mr. Right, not just a guy to have a baby with. But I also do want to have a child with that guy. The last few months I have talked to very few men. I have been ignoring the guys who don't want children. But I'm starting to think that maybe I'm kidding myself here. That wanting a child at my age is crazy and by turning away all of the guys who don't want children, I'm going to just end up growing old alone.

What do you think? Should I start to take notice of the guys who don't want children and give up my dream of having a child? The thought of it just wants to make me scream. But then maybe wanting a child at my age is not reality.

[jns]

Don't give up on your dream. Having a child is going to be more difficult as you probably have a harder time conceiving. Guys your age and older are more likely to have ED problems and lower sperm counts which will work against you both, too. Have you considered going with a younger man? Best wishes.

[rcoreyus]

Think very hard about wanting a child. Have you spent a lot of time (many days, not hours) with someone else's children, or taking care of care of foster children? My wife was absolutely sure that she wanted children until we took some in for foster care. After 6 months she decided that children were not for her. They are right for many people, but not all.

[Stillness]

There's always adoption if finding someone takes too long.

[Avatar Nirvana]

I'm the only woman that doesn't want children. I'm shocked that the men you encountered don't want children since all of the guys my age (almost 25) want to have one or 2 children. I'm scared if I marry my boyfriend (who is my Mr. Right) this will cause a divorce. However I'm not shocked. Men your age must not want children since they are fine with the children they have from a previous marriage, or they just suffer from ED.
Spend a lot of time with kids of all ages to see if you want one. I believe women (especially teens) can be impulsive about having children. They think they can handle it since their baby would only cry when they are removed from the womb. They realize this is not true and get frustrated because they don't know what to do.
Create a Plan B. If time is running out for you, adopt a child and raise it on your own. Being a single mother is tough, so talk to other single moms about their experience before adopting.

[Amber]

Jns, I have been looking for guys around the ages of 35 or 36 to about 46 or so. They all want a younger woman.

As for being around children, I was the youngest in my family and no babies in the family. Finally two years ago my sister had her first child. Definitely not an angel that child lol but I see them and I want that to be me.

Nirvana, you mention being a single mother. I thought of that briefly only to realize it not a good idea for me. I can afford taking care of myself but I wouldn't be able to afford to give a child everything it would need on my own. It wouldn't be fair to the child. My gynocologist suggested to become a single mother using a sperm bank. Wow, what kind of things they suggest now a days. I never expected that one! Besides, I always thought I would be bringing up that child with my husband by my side.

The guys who contact me are 50 and older. They don't want kids, not sure they can even have kids. But even if they could, I prefer a guy younger than that. The younger guys all have kids as you mentioned Nirvana, and don't want any more.

Adoption, I couldn't afford that. That is very expensive. A friend of mine and her husband looked into that and couldn't afford it. Which is sad because they can't have children. It was something like 20,000 to 40,000 and then bringing up the child obviously cost money as I mentioned before. I make it sound like I'm purchasing an object which is sad. But it is only realistic to think that bringing up a child cost money.

[Claret]

I would assume that most men in their 50's wouldn't want to start over with having children. Having a baby at 50 means that at the child's graduation from high-school the Father would be almost 70. Usually at 50 if they wanted children and assuming they had been previously married (or in a long-term relationship) , they already have children and therefore would probably not want to start over with a baby. If the marriage ended due to a divorce, there is probably still financial obligations to the children they already have.

Could you temper your response to the questions on the dating site? Could you indicate that you would be willing to be a step-parent to existing children? I realize this doesn't answer your need to have a biological child but it could open the door to meeting men, and those men could possibly reconsider for the right partner.

[Stillness]

Maybe you're not looking in the right place.

[jen1447]

^ That's what I was thinking. I don't have experience with dating sites (and I don't want to have children anyway), so take this fwiw, but I seem to have heard a lot of negatives about them. Meaning only that if you're looking for Mr. Right on a dating site and he doesn't seem to be there, I don't think it necessarily means he doesn't exist, but that he just is hard to find on the dating site.

I know they're convenient and make screening much easier, but maybe you should try the old-fashioned way.

Also fwiw, I don't think 40 is the cutoff age for having hopes and dreams lol.

[Pollon]

There is no doubt you are in a tough spot that will make fulfilling your dream a challenge. However, there are some late bloomers out there who want to have a family. But you'd have to search carefully. Are you religious at all? The religious tend to value children very much. Getting involved with your religious community might expose you to a more target-rich environment. My impression, based on their advertising, is that eHarmony is a bit more serious about matching people who want to get married rather than hooking up.

As you ponder all of this, consider how you can fulfill the major elements of your dream short of raising your own children. Besides adoption and foster care, there are ways to have a "family" so-to-speak to love and be loved by without birthing them or even living with them. Working with children, becoming an "auntie" to families with children, mentoring, teaching, coaching, etc.

FYI, adoption through the foster care system is not expensive. The Department of Social Services pays all the legal costs. There are kids from newborn to 17 year-olds who need homes. You can take the preparation classes and get involved before taking kids into your home so you can get an idea what's involved.

Good luck