[tesselena]

My boyfriend and I have been dating for almost 2 years now and despite the fact that he makes three times as much as I do (over $100,000/year) he insists on splitting everything. I have never been that type of girl to make the guy pay for everything, in fact, my previous boyfriend of 3 years made much less than I did and I paid for most everything while we were dating. So currently I don’t feel like I am entitled to have everything paid for by my boyfriend just because I am the girl, but more so I feel like having us split everything isn’t fair based on our salary difference. Let me also point out that he lives at home to save money and I am currently paying rent for a place that he always stays for free. Last year this was reversed and I lived from home while he paid rent and I stayed there on the weekends. So when it comes to rent I don’t expect him to pay anything but definitely when it comes to meals I don’t see why he can’t do most of the treating? I am unsure if I am correct in feeling this way…maybe I should split everything with him because it’s 2014 and I have a job, or should he pay for more because he is making a lot of money and not paying rent. Please help! I am considering discussing this with him but am not sure how to approach the conversation.

[jen1447]

Gah, financial stuff is always such a PITA. This is one of those things that everybody has to decide how to approach on their own, because there's no real right or wrong and it's all influenced by perceptions and feelings but it's also potentially really prickly. So I'll just tell you my approach - I assume I'm always paying for everything on nights out, and I keep all my finances separate from the BF and we don't live together. He stays at my place sometimes, I stay at his place sometimes, we each pay our own rent. If I go out with anybody, I assume I'm paying rather than play pattycake with turns or expectations about income etc. I make enough money that I can afford to buy dinners a couple times a week, and I don't make any judgments about the incomes of others and what's right or wrong and so on. Now that doesn't mean I always end up paying, but at least I spare myself the agony of fidgeting over it. I'd suggest you do the same assuming you have a comfy income and just forget about the BF's angle and let him be however he is. But again, everybody has different sensibilities in this area and what works for me might not necessarily work for you.

[Claret]

Next time plans are being made by him just simply say something along the lines of, "I'd love to but expenses have been quite high lately and I simply cannot afford to pay for dinner out" or whatever else it is. This puts the ball in his court. It may be that he has high student loans etc. to pay back and can't afford to treat you either. After two years though I think you should be far enough along in your relationship to open the conversation up and discuss YOUR finances and what you can or can't afford. If he brings up his finances - fine, but don't ask.

[tesselena]

Thank you for the advice, it definitely calmed me down. I certainly don't want financial stuff ruining my relationship and I think just going with the flow would probably be a much less stressful tactic. I think from now on I'll just pay for my own dinner and drinks and if he happens to pick up the tab then great, but I can't keep doing the whole "who's turn is it to pay" thing.

[atskitty2]

If neither of you can afford it on occasion, then a less expensive date or something else altogether may be a thought.
I have a thread recently on this general topic if you'd like to refer to it. Some of the gentlemen here commented also, as I recall, but it is geared more for new relationship issues. May be helpful tho.

I do agree with both posters above. It's a no wrong or right situation, it's what works for you. I think open communication on this subject is key, and the sooner you establish that, the better.
Keeping it low stress is good too. It's potential for hard feelings and arguments is high, so keep it honest and open and work together to make it comfy for both.
That said, it isn't necessary to tell all your accounting details-& he probably shouldn't either

And a side note It is good in general to not assume that a high income earner equals high "disposable" income.
Good luck, keep us posted.

[CHANDLERS WISH]

I think as you have been going out for two years now, there should be discussions of your future yes? When married, you care for each other regardless of who earns what, when dating it's fair I think to go 50/50 there should not be a "who's turn is it next" it should just be 50/50 and if on occasions your finances are low? Tell him. "Hon, I can't afford the lifestyle that you want to live, you earn more than me and I'm struggling at the moment with bills". I think it would be nice to see what he does at that point, still go out and pay the lot? Or, say ok let's stay in..

What happens now can impact on the future and if this was me, I'd like to see what he does if I were to make a statement as suggested above.

[Archer]

One of the biggest turnoffs I could ever think of would be for a woman to feel entitled to anything I've earned for myself. I wholeheartedly agree with the posters above; from now on, tell him you can't afford to continue to do these things as often, and let him offer. But comparing incomes and expecting anything like this is what scares this **** out of men when they think about marrying someone. Either improve your position in life (education, income) or allow him to choose whether he wants to improve it for you...but demanding/expecting it, or resenting him for it is bad news

[jns]

I don't know any woman that thinks their guy being tight with his money in exclusion of her is a good trait. My parents are tight with their money because they came out of depression era times. They both feel the effects of the tightness fairly equally and both are equally tight.

Relationships where one partner is rich and the other partner is poor generally don't work unless the finances are equitable within the relationship itself. That being said, a lot of people enter in such relationships. The person making more money feels entitled to be the one steering the relationship and the division of labor within it. The person making less money or no money knows that they are in a disadvantage but hopes the other person is generous enough to allow them some dignity.

One way to even out the situation is for him to pay for the food when you two go out and you to spend your time and effort making stay at home dinners that don't cost you as much in money terms. It is not good if you are both sitting at home but not doing something together because you cannot afford to continue going to restaurants and paying half. I don't believe a race to the bottom in social life is a good idea for a healthy relationship, especially if it something you both enjoy.

I suggest getting a different boyfriend if this one is far less generous than what you want. I doubt that there is anything you can do that will make him become genuinely more generous with you. I would argue in a different direction if he was preserving capital because he was starting or growing a business that would hopefully build a more comfortable future for the two of you. I would also argue in a different direction if he was saving all of his money for retirement funds that would benefit the both of you.

[Stillness]

I'm tending to agree with jns. Money disagreements are one of the main causes for divorce. I can't imagine having them during courtship and not carrying them over into a more serious relationship. It just seems to spell doom for prospects for future happiness.

Unless you two change dramatically, you don't sound well-suited for one another. I also agree with Archer that dating a woman who expects me to pay for everything because I have more money sounds like something I want to run from. But at the same time, demanding that everything be precisely split down the middle makes him sound like like a controlling penny-pincher.

[jns]

I grew up in an era where the guy was expected to pay during dating for the most part so the woman expecting me to pay during dating is not a problem for me. That being said, I would take a look at how she used or abused my generosity. If she always ordered the most expensive dishes and ordered more than she could eat, that would be a red flag.