I told him I have herpes, now what?

[ThisOneThought]

So, I have been talking to this guy for probably about a month. We have gone on about 4 dates. We both are really into each other, and it is quite obvious for both of us. The fifth time we hung out though, I went to his home. We chose to lay around and be lazy and cuddle with each other. We did some making out and finally, as it was getting late he invited me to come lay down with him in his bedroom. I declined and said that it was probably time for me to leave, so he walked me to my car and that is when I told him the news. I was so nervous, but I got it out of me anyway. He gave me a hug and told me he thought it was very admirable of me to find the courage to tell him, and he was thankful that I was so honest and up front.

Now, I feel like things aren't the same. He continues to text me, but I get this feeling that he is losing interest, and I also feel like I am losing interest in him because of it. The day after my admittance, he had a long talk with me about how we might work through the situation. At first he was leaning on the "lets just be friends" route. That upset me. But he soon decided to stay open-minded and we spoke for a long time about it.

It has been about three days since that dreaded conversation, and I won't be able to see him again for another two days. I just feel like he is only continuing to talk to me because maybe he doesn't want to hurt my feelings by letting me down. And feeling like that is what is happening makes me lose interest. I don't know, I also feel like I could be looking into everything a little too much now. I try to maintain a care-free attitude about us still, but I feel like I can't relax after having that conversation. I feel like he could reject me at a moment's notice.

HELP!

[jen1447]

You just need answers to feel better hon. How do we get answers? Ask! You had the balls to tell him, so asking what's up with him now should be easy in comparison. Just go do, don't even think about it anymore. He may give you an answer you don't like, but at least you'll know, and that'll make you feel better. And he just might give you one you like too. No way of knowing til you ask.

[ThisOneThought]

Okay, I just sent him a text asking if his interest in me has gone down since I told him my news. I just really need to know. I worry I am not as desirable because of herpes, and so that concern of guys losing interest just hangs over my head like a gray cloud. I probably won't get a response until tomorrow because he alrighty had sent me a goodnight text. So we will see what happens...of course, I am nervous like always.

[jen1447]

Don't be nervous, everything will be fine. Have a glass of wine or something, maybe go sit on the porch and look at the night sky. You're a woman, you rock no matter what.

[Baboy]

We both are really into each other, and it is quite obvious for both of us.
HELP!

If it's true that he's really into you, this won't be the end. He'll find a way to settle it in his mind for a woman about whom he cares. Herpes is widespread in today's world. No good partner would leave someone on that account alone.

If he leaves you, he's the kind of guy who would leave in the face of any adversity, however trivial. Better to find out now, with not too much invested in the relationship. You deserve someone who cares for you as a loving woman. You will find that.

[ThisOneThought]

To answer my question, he responded with:
"It's not so much you are less desirable, as it is that I'm really scared of STDs in general, even if they are manageable, You are great! But ya. Does that make sense?"

I responded saying that yes, it did make sense. But I feel that it would be waste of time for us to get to know each other if there was always going to be a fear or stigma hanging around. I told him I would just feel more comfortable spending time with someone who isn't so fearful of something that for me, isn't a big deal. All he said was, "I understand"

It's very upsetting because for one, I wish he would've said more. The fact that he said he understood tells me that he is probably relieved that he doesn't have to worry about managing those circumstances. It's like I wasn't a great enough catch for him to want to fight, and that hurts my feelings. It's like, no matter how much bravery and courage it took for me to tell him the truth, even that wasn't enough for him to see what a great person I am..

Yeah, I am the one that called it off, but it hurts that he didn't even try. The last message I sent him was probably a bit on the rude side, but it read: "Hopefully you'll get lucky and dodge the bullet. Tread carefully." But I pretty much wanted to slap him in the face with this idea that no matter what he does, or who he is with, herpes is all around! So many people have it! All he is setting himself up for is to live in fear with every relationship! Because what if the next girl he is with has it and doesn't know, or worse - has it and wasn't as forthcoming as I was and doesn't tell him! Then he would end up with it anyway, and would've missed out on a chance with me, a person who was honest with him, and who would've worked hard to make sure he didn't contract it....

but whatever! I'm mixed with feeling. I'm upset, angry, sad...

[Pollon]

First of all, you did the right thing by telling him. You had the integrity to risk something you valued because you respect others and want them to act with full information. That kind of character is to be admired. Hopefully, he will see that.

If he chooses to end the romantic element of this relationship, that doesn't make him a bad guy. Nor does it make him someone who bails out at the first challenge. He has every right to want a relatively worry free and spontaneous intimate life.

With that in mind, however, you might want to educate him about herpes and what it would mean to a relationship. He may have only heard HERPES!!!! and had no idea what that means.

As he processes the information you gave him, he is probably coming up with a lot of questions. So in addition to wondering what herpes is and what it means, he may also be wondering about you and how you got it.

So rather than getting yourself all anxious about what will happen to YOU, reach out to him and offer to talk about it, empathize with his concerns and explain (if you are up for it) how you got it.

It is entirely possible that he could be thinking that you told him about your disease because YOU weren't interested in being with him. After all, he was essentially inviting you to his bed and you refused.

So in addition to the education, you might be honest about how you feel about him. Let him know you really like him and were hoping to pursue the relationship but felt he should be fully informed. Being wanted by a woman is a powerful attractant to most guys. So letting him know you're very interested could persuade him to keep it going.

Good luck

[atskitty2]

So you've called it off with him based on what? His text you wrote in your last msg didn't sound like a brush-off to me. Was there more to the exchange?

[Stillness]

Call me old-fashioned, but is texting really the way to have a discussion like this? If I'm talking about romance and intimacy, there's no way I'm not doing it face to face or at least over the phone. Writing is not the worst thing in the world, but it would have to be a letter written in my own hand. Especially at a pivotal moment in a relationship.

Also, herpes could definitely be a deal-breaker for me if I was single. I really don't understand the disease. All I would be thinking is that it's incurable and could interfere with my sexual relationship with the person. As someone for whom sex is extremely important and having spent years in a sexually strained marriage, it would be a major revelation. If the person I was dating didn't understand that, it would be a definite no-go. If she acknowledged my concerns and spent time addressing them and maybe educating me, it could work.

[kira]

Not uncommon for my generation and younger to use text for lots of things. I hadn't even talked to my husband over the phone before I met him. Admitting to having herpes is probably a face to face conversation but just checking up on someone's opinion, emotional state, whatever... is perfectly common through text.

I think he could have used more time to process. His response seems uncertain and if you'd waited and maybe hung out a few more times he might have been willing to deal with it. Maybe not but I don't see anything definite there. You were the one that drew the line this early. Most people are pretty dumb about STDs and need educated. Heck many people are messed up about all basic biology. I want to facepalm daily on some forums when sex topics come up. One thread I just gave up on because I had adults of all ages telling me I was going to get STDs from things like letting people who I met off craigslist use my bathroom.

[Stillness]

Not uncommon for my generation and younger to use text for lots of things.

I know. Older too. I understand, "Pick up some bread." I don't understand executing business decisions, asking for favors, or dealing with affairs of the heart. It always feels like the person is trying to be non-confrontational and impersonal with something that really demands a human touch.

[tjm0824]

I agree about educating him. That word has such a negative connotation about it. It's often the go-to std for jokes. One, because its incurable, but two, because it's harmless. Nobody is gonna make jokes about contracting HIV. Herpes is uncomfortable at worst. But the worst part about having it is the stigma. I would say that you are definitely gonna have to develop more of a thicker skin and not take it so personal when a guy doesn't just automatically accept it when you tell him. You're gonna have to give them time to absorb it and not get upset by his sudden "distance". I would also say that pointing out to him what the odds of catching it are would definitely make it easier for him to accept it. It's about 2% chance for men over the course of a year. Also, point out to him that if he's slept with more than 5 women, then statistically he's probably slept with someone that had it. Most people don't get any symptoms and have no idea they have it. Did you ask him if he was ever tested for it?

[kira]

I communicate better with my husband over messengers. That's majority of our major conversations. Both of us do most of our communicating and even settling major business transactions through email and paypal. The only conversation I've had with my dad, stepmom, and half sister in the past 5 years has been through facebook and the occasional text.

Something I was reading said 80% of people will contract genital herpes in their life and half won't even know it. People just know nothing about it except that it's incurable. The cold sore version of herpes is actually responsible for many serious illnesses while the genital version is usually harmless. We accept cold sores as normal though and many consider them to be the more harmless of the 2 which is completely inaccurate. If you put together some facts from credible sources to educate people I'm sure far more would be willing to deal with it. Everyone is just so clueless about STDs.

[ThisOneThought]

... I would say that you are definitely gonna have to develop more of a thicker skin and not take it so personal when a guy doesn't just automatically accept it when you tell him. You're gonna have to give them time to absorb it and not get upset by his sudden "distance".... Did you ask him if he was ever tested for it?

I agree with what you said about giving him more time. I probably made a mistake by just calling it quits between us. And you know, you are right. I should start developing a thicker skin about it. But this was my first time to go about doing things the right way, I had such a fear of rejection, such a fear of losing something great...I guess it somehow developed into this notion that if I call it quits with him first, then I can't say I was rejected. But even though it still hurts. I guess part of it too is not wanting to face the truth about it. Ideally, I would just like to meet a guy and for him to say, "Hey, it's no big deal! I have it too!" But that's just a silly little thought.

And I did ask him if he had ever been tested. He said yes. He said they tested him for everything, including herpes. So..who knows. At this point I don't even care!

Kind of off topic, but it's crazy how only after 5 dates I was having strong feelings about him. I would've thought it would take me longer.

I think it would almost be best that next time, I tell the guy a lot sooner, before feelings are developed. I just hate the emotional struggle that goes with it. It almost feels like I broke up with the guy. Maybe if I don't wait so long to tell, I can dodge having to be sad about it.

[jen1447]

Well at least you've got one under your belt hon. Just pick up and move on. And yeah, now you can work on perfecting your technique.

hugs