[Stillness]

Not uncommon for my generation and younger to use text for lots of things.

I know. Older too. I understand, "Pick up some bread." I don't understand executing business decisions, asking for favors, or dealing with affairs of the heart. It always feels like the person is trying to be non-confrontational and impersonal with something that really demands a human touch.

[tjm0824]

I agree about educating him. That word has such a negative connotation about it. It's often the go-to std for jokes. One, because its incurable, but two, because it's harmless. Nobody is gonna make jokes about contracting HIV. Herpes is uncomfortable at worst. But the worst part about having it is the stigma. I would say that you are definitely gonna have to develop more of a thicker skin and not take it so personal when a guy doesn't just automatically accept it when you tell him. You're gonna have to give them time to absorb it and not get upset by his sudden "distance". I would also say that pointing out to him what the odds of catching it are would definitely make it easier for him to accept it. It's about 2% chance for men over the course of a year. Also, point out to him that if he's slept with more than 5 women, then statistically he's probably slept with someone that had it. Most people don't get any symptoms and have no idea they have it. Did you ask him if he was ever tested for it?

[kira]

I communicate better with my husband over messengers. That's majority of our major conversations. Both of us do most of our communicating and even settling major business transactions through email and paypal. The only conversation I've had with my dad, stepmom, and half sister in the past 5 years has been through facebook and the occasional text.

Something I was reading said 80% of people will contract genital herpes in their life and half won't even know it. People just know nothing about it except that it's incurable. The cold sore version of herpes is actually responsible for many serious illnesses while the genital version is usually harmless. We accept cold sores as normal though and many consider them to be the more harmless of the 2 which is completely inaccurate. If you put together some facts from credible sources to educate people I'm sure far more would be willing to deal with it. Everyone is just so clueless about STDs.

[ThisOneThought]

... I would say that you are definitely gonna have to develop more of a thicker skin and not take it so personal when a guy doesn't just automatically accept it when you tell him. You're gonna have to give them time to absorb it and not get upset by his sudden "distance".... Did you ask him if he was ever tested for it?

I agree with what you said about giving him more time. I probably made a mistake by just calling it quits between us. And you know, you are right. I should start developing a thicker skin about it. But this was my first time to go about doing things the right way, I had such a fear of rejection, such a fear of losing something great...I guess it somehow developed into this notion that if I call it quits with him first, then I can't say I was rejected. But even though it still hurts. I guess part of it too is not wanting to face the truth about it. Ideally, I would just like to meet a guy and for him to say, "Hey, it's no big deal! I have it too!" But that's just a silly little thought.

And I did ask him if he had ever been tested. He said yes. He said they tested him for everything, including herpes. So..who knows. At this point I don't even care!

Kind of off topic, but it's crazy how only after 5 dates I was having strong feelings about him. I would've thought it would take me longer.

I think it would almost be best that next time, I tell the guy a lot sooner, before feelings are developed. I just hate the emotional struggle that goes with it. It almost feels like I broke up with the guy. Maybe if I don't wait so long to tell, I can dodge having to be sad about it.

[jen1447]

Well at least you've got one under your belt hon. Just pick up and move on. And yeah, now you can work on perfecting your technique.

hugs

[tjm0824]

I agree with what you said about giving him more time. I probably made a mistake by just calling it quits between us. And you know, you are right. I should start developing a thicker skin about it. But this was my first time to go about doing things the right way, I had such a fear of rejection, such a fear of losing something great...I guess it somehow developed into this notion that if I call it quits with him first, then I can't say I was rejected. But even though it still hurts. I guess part of it too is not wanting to face the truth about it. Ideally, I would just like to meet a guy and for him to say, "Hey, it's no big deal! I have it too!" But that's just a silly little thought.

And I did ask him if he had ever been tested. He said yes. He said they tested him for everything, including herpes. So..who knows. At this point I don't even care!

Kind of off topic, but it's crazy how only after 5 dates I was having strong feelings about him. I would've thought it would take me longer.

I think it would almost be best that next time, I tell the guy a lot sooner, before feelings are developed. I just hate the emotional struggle that goes with it. It almost feels like I broke up with the guy. Maybe if I don't wait so long to tell, I can dodge having to be sad about it.

Yeah it'll take some time before you can accept being rejected because of it. You just have to tell yourself that YOU aren't being rejected, the disease is. That may or may not make you feel better, but that's the reality of it. I would recommend actually waiting longer to tell the next guy. If I just met a girl and she told me she had herpes, I'd be a lot more willing to walk away if I had no feelings for her. People will always evaluate the plus and minus of a situation. Not just in relationships, but everything we do. If a guy has feelings for you then that's certainly gonna be a huge plus that he will take into consideration. But I can see why you'd want to get it out of the way early to protect yourself. It's certainly a risk. But it just might payoff.

[WaveRider]

[QUOTE=Stillness;n546296]Call me old-fashioned, but is texting really the way to have a discussion like this? If I'm talking about romance and intimacy, there's no way I'm not doing it face to face or at least over the phone. Writing is not the worst thing in the world, but it would have to be a letter written in my own hand. Especially at a pivotal moment in a relationship.


I AGREE!!!

I do not like texting, especially involving personal matters.

[WaveRider]

ThisOneThought,

I'm terribly sorry that you've been infected with herpes HVS2. I hope that the person who has infected you has made recompense to you.

I pray that a cure for HVS2 is found very soon.

I've had only one woman tell me she was infected with herpes HVS2. We did not have sex.

As most women know, a man infected with anything will never disclose it to women because they know women will not risk infection. I cannot blame them.

As men age, HVS2 can cause a lot of complications including cancer.

I know a whole lot of white women who won't date black men due to risk of infection. I will not date a black woman for the same reason. Read below for more info.

I have modified my behavior because of STD's. I've been lucky. But luck will last only so long. So I have one woman whom I know is STD free.

The following is from [link removed by moderator]. CDC has the same info:

The HIV infection rate among black women is 20 times higher than for white women.

One in six Americans between the ages of 14 and 49 have genital herpes and close to one in two black women are infected, new figures from the CDC reveal.

About 19 million people in the U.S. are infected with HSV-2, at a cost to the nation’s health care system of close to $16 billion a year.

Overall, 16% of Americans between the ages of 14 and 49 had genital herpes between 2005 and 2008, compared to 17% between 1999 and 2004.

According to the latest findings:

Women and African-Americans were the most likely to be infected. HSV-2 prevalence was nearly twice as high among women (21%) as men (11%), and more than three times higher among African-Americans (39%) than whites (12%).

The infection rate among African-American women was 48%.

The infection rate was roughly 4% among people who reported having just one sex partner ever, compared to almost 27% for those who reported 10 or more partners.

Nearly four out of five people who have genital herpes have not been diagnosed and may not know they have the infection.

Genital Herpes Raises HIV Risk

"This latest analysis emphasizes that we can’t afford to be complacent about this infection," John M. Douglas, Jr., MD, who directs the CDC’s Division of STD Prevention, said in a news conference Tuesday at the 2010 National STD Prevention Conference in Atlanta.

"It is important that we promote steps to prevent the spread of genital herpes, not only because herpes is a lifelong and incurable infection, but also because of the linkage between herpes and HIV infection."

Research shows that people with genital herpes are two to three times more likely to acquire HIV and they are also more likely to transmit HIV infection to others.

Douglas explained that the immunologic response at the site where herpes ulcers form act as a target for HIV infection even after the ulcers have disappeared.

"If you come into contact with the HIV virus, even after the ulcers have healed, you may be more likely to become infected," he says.

People who are dually infected with HIV and HSV-2 may also be especially likely to transmit the HIV virus to others during genital herpes flare-ups.

Need for Increased Public Awareness

The reason women have higher rates of HSV-2 infection than men is largely explained by the fact that their genital tissue is more vulnerable to the small tears that make transmission more likely.

And since the background rate of infection is so high in the black community, African-American women are especially at risk, Douglas said.

"It is quite clear that this increased rate of infection in African-American women is not due to increased risk behavior," he said.

Women with HSV-2 may have no symptoms or they may mistake symptoms like genital burning and itching for a yeast infection.

The CDC does not recommend routine screening for genital herpes, but testing is recommended for those considered at high risk for getting and transmitting the virus, including people with multiple sex partners. Testing is also recommended for gay and bisexual men and people who are HIV positive.

While the infection cannot be cured, treatments that lessen the severity of genital herpes outbreaks or that may help prevent them are available.

But since most people don’t even know they have the infection, treatment rates are low, says Kevin Fenton, MD, PhD, who directs the CDC’s National Center for HIV/AIDS, Viral Hepatitis, STD, and TB Prevention.

"Given everything we know about how to prevent, diagnose, and treat STDs, it is unacceptable that STDs remain such a widespread public health problem in the U.S. today," he says.

Douglas said collaboration between public and private-sector groups will be needed to increase public awareness about genital herpes.

He cited the "Get Yourself Tested" STD education campaign as an example. The campaign is directed at teens and young adults and is a partnership between the CDC, the television network MTV, and the philanthropic group Kaiser Family Foundation.

"Public programs alone won’t be able to get the job done, particularly in light of the increasingly tight budgets that so many local and state health departments are facing," Douglas says. "We will need to be more creative in our collective approach to STD prevention."