[DreamP346]

I agree with Jen. So he's a golf freak. At least he wants to share it with you.

Yes, that was immature to cancel a date just because he didn't hear back from you during work hours, but the reality is, people are usually nervous and acting like a fool when dating. They don't know if they are doing the right thing to impress the person, they don't know if they will get rejected/hurt, they don't know if they are making themselves look like a fool, they don't know the other person well enough to read their cues, etc. It's tough. I would say give him a break. Maybe he has experienced somebody not responding soon enough as a clear indication they weren't interested. Maybe he is on some forum asking suggestions and everybody is telling him "this woman isn't interested in you."

To me, he sounds like he is very interested but at the same time afraid to appearing too interested. Can you blame him.

[Baboy]

It would not be an egregious error to give the guy a second chance, if all the signs on the first date were positive and the only fly in the ointment is his apparent display of immaturity on Day Two. To be fair, I am far removed (and happily so) from the dating scene and quality dating material might not be as abundant as the flow of water from an artesian well. Perhaps one must kiss a few frogs before finding a prince.

It might also be, by contemporary standards, the guy's behavior was not quite so opprobrious as it appeared to some of us at first blush. Texting was unknown when I lasted dated. Perhaps today barraging one's date with anxious texts is the norm, and a sign of interest and affection.

Not sure what to make of the golf thing. You mentioned it seems to be an everyday thing for him. That sounds pretty dedicated, particularly if he wants you on the links, while avoiding the tennis court. I think that issue bears further exploration. Perhaps a bit early to tell how large golf might loom in any relationship.

[effy2014]

I agree with Jen. So he's a golf freak. At least he wants to share it with you.

Yes, that was immature to cancel a date just because he didn't hear back from you during work hours, but the reality is, people are usually nervous and acting like a fool when dating. ** ** ** Maybe he is on some forum asking suggestions and everybody is telling him "this woman isn't interested in you."

To me, he sounds like he is very interested but at the same time afraid to appearing too interested. Can you blame him.

I'll stick with my original opinion . . . do you really want to date someone who would listen to people like us?

Whether or not you give him a second chance is besides the point. He wants (or needs) you to conform to his love of the game. Indeed, suggesting going to a driving range on the second date indicates a true passion for golf. In my experience, having been a committed golfer, it eats up valuable time, especially if you both work.

You gave him every indication that you were interested by scheduling a second date, even if the time was not yet established. His interest level (perhaps dulled by his anxiety that you did not like him) was such that he preferred a round of golf to missing it on the chance you did want to see him. I don't think he was afraid to appear too interested; if anything, he was afraid of rejection. In the cycle of a few hours, he went from really liking you to "the hell with you" based upon the lack of a response to a few texts while you were at work. He made two rather poor choices.

[CHANDLERS WISH]

And you suggested Tennis and he said no? He suggested Golf you said no, so in the end he stated he was going anyway.

I get the feeling his buddies were pushing him " are you coming? are you coming? " and he was trying to get the answer from you, yet he had the answer, you already said not to that the night before, but then he decided as you didn't answer (yet you already did) he then decided to leave a message stating he was going.

I definitely think he was/is into you and maybe the above explains the needy? It's feasible my Father-In-Law to be places golf and we've had several chats about it, effy is right it takes up a lot of someone's time and in that, becomes a bit addictive. My FIL basically stated if we took him for an hour lunch he couldn't make it, he was going to golf but if we were visiting for at least 3hrs, he'd give it a miss.

" Men are Pigs". I don't know if I belong to that club. I do know that when I joined a dating site 5 -6 years ago, I would class most of what I met as that, it was like they were all set in their ways, held baggage, women were *****es as they wanted their money and for the most part, liers especially with their age They were quite demanding of what they expected and wanted "this time around". D was different he went with the flow and wanted a life long partner and it showed.

I think this guy wants someone in his life but she has to have his passions because he's too set in his ways to give those up for a woman.

Just my opinion.

[Motorguy]

Well Kitty, with this guy this is me talking not the general rule but it sounds like he only into his hobbies not yours with tennis. One thing I believe is you both enjoy doing stuff together if he enjoys golf and you tennis then you try it together and so on. But your right he was wrong knowing you can't talk with him or answer messages while at work most people know that he's just being rude and everything center around him period. For my self i not trying to court a women being that I married to a wonderful women already lol. So I maybe a little rusty in this area but the whole point to dating is to see if you both are compatible with each other that your hobbies and his will work with each other you have many compatible things to do together. So just my feeling with this guy is this relationship will not work just my gut feeling with this Kitty. Would be better not spending the next 6 month finding out you are not compatible with this guy.

[atskitty2]

Ok, so...let me share a bit more, because I really am curious if I'm just cold-hearted & send icy vibes toward these men so they can't see that I'm interested...or if they really just have needs that I cannot seem to meet.

My self-assessment is that I am strong & independent, and that I probably don't give a man many warm & fuzzy feelings that I "need" him for anything at all. I realize men want to feel valued & needed as much as I do, so I do make conscious efforts to make my affections known, and usually make the move toward that, for that reason. I know I'm confusing for them
Little more detail about the date: We were on the golf course for at least 3 hours. When we were finishing up, I asked him if he'd be interested in continuing on to dinner. He said yes, he was going to suggest this as well.

At dinner, more relaxed, he told me what he liked about me & I told him why I contacted him, and what about his profile was most attractive to me. (met online, I initiated contact)
I told him that I would be interested in seeing him again, if he were so inclined. He said of course. We chatted for another hour or so after dinner.

So, we left the restaurant, and he'd called me before I ever made it home (about 10 minutes). I thought that was a bit much, as he really had no point to make the call...but ok. We texted a bit after that as well. He told me again how good looking I was & the great personality (not a *****) to go along w/the good-looks was refreshing. I said thank you, but I didn't reciprocate his compliments that time. (I'd just told him a few minutes ago how I felt)
The next day, I asked him when this week he may be free to meet again, and we agreed on Weds.
There was more to our messages that day, but I'm trying to keep my post brief, and bring the highlights.

I like sports, and I like golfing & I really would have no problem dating an active golfer or any sports choice, especially when (as CW said, they're willing to include me). That was one of the things that impressed me with him, was that he was willing to take me into his world of golf on a first date. I was flattered that he asked. I like my SO to be a "buddy" that we share things like that with, just doing things we enjoy doing...so the "golf widow" is just a sort of "hhmmmm" thing for me, since he's willing to ditch me this early, for an opportunity to golf. I'd enjoy joining my guy for golf or basketball or whatever he enjoys if he wants me there...Make sense?

I guess this all boils down to me wondering if I'm really such an ice princess that I can't meet the needs of someone else? Or do the men I'm meeting really have needs incongruent with my ability to give?

My gut feeling is the same one I had in 8th grade, tbh! LOL My first so-called bf dumped me because he found out I was going to dump him. (he told me that many years later)
I had a vibe of "dump her before she dumps me" from this guy, and he has since blocked all contact options! So me attempting a second date with him anyway, is null. I think he was shocked that I answered his texts around 5, and when he answered it was in all caps, saying he hadnt' ditched me, just thought I was working late & that we could meet up later...I told him I was just at work...but he seems to have presumed I was ticked off & didn't want a confrontation, so he blocked any possible contact...and that part, I'm assuming, of course. Could be, he just wasn't interested.

Obviously, we have mis-matched expectations and we wouldn't work anyway, but I try to learn something from each experience. And I just don't know what to take away from this one...

[DreamP346]

I just think there are too many expectations both from you and from his so early on. I could be wrong since I never dated during the online dating era and you guys may have already had lots to communication before meeting, but to me I feel like both of you are interpreting the other person with so little information. It's only been one date. He has no obligation to put aside his personal hobbies for you and you have no obligation to response to his text messages right away.

Think of this as a friendship. If you had met a new person that seemed like you could be friends with, would you cut them off immediately if during the second meeting things got messed up, she expected you to confirm the meeting, she got the chance to do something fun and took the opportunity because she didn't feel 100% sure you were going to make it and then you basically make up your mind that she will be a terrible friend and you can't be friends any more?

There are so many unknowns here. You don't really know what he was thinking or expecting.

Also remember, more than likely he is seeing other women too, so he is not going to be courting you 100%. that is one thing that is pretty common with the online dating. Just like the friendship, you are not going to put all your energy into one person, at least not at this stage. Why should he try tennis if there is a good chance you guys will never do it again? Why should be not go play golf with his friends if there is a very high probability that things will never work out between you two.

Personally, I think with the online dating, you do have to go into it casually and just play around and have fun. I would say 3 dates later you can start expecting him to be more committed to exploring things. I just think it is so early and you just don't know.

[jen1447]

Blocking all contact is definitely a douche move. Sounds like he either abjectly overreacted or he was actually misportraying his good-guyness to begin with anyway. Neither of those possibilities sounds good.

[jns]

A person's body produces hormones and other chemicals that create bonding, a feeling of well being, happiness, a feeling of intoxication, etc. Different people respond to these chemical to varying degrees, from almost not at all to being overwhelmed. Of course, differing levels of releases of these chemicals occur depending on the person and the situation. What is interesting is that these chemicals work inside of in-love marriages, arranged marriages, the Stockholm Syndrome and even cases where the situation started out as rape multiple times that later turned into an intensely strongly bonded love (but in some cases not in-love) relationship.

I know my own limitations. If I find reasons to intensely like someone and go out with them, the bonding can start to take over from the first date. I was in one relationship like that. In hindsight I shouldn't have got in so deep, but I was willing to to go where angels fear to tread (in other words I was a fool.) Fortunately she had a few irons in the fire from the past and acted on one of those past relationships. The rejection was tough but it was the right medicine. Upward and onward.

Kitty, realize this, there are reasons things happen and reasons things don't happen. You got a glimpse at this guy's decision making process, all for the cheap price of not getting back to him on his schedule. If you do go out with him again, keep your body in check as best possible and sniff out any conduct by him that you don't like. Oh, and remember that for the most part, guys don't change.

[effy2014]

My self-assessment is that I am strong & independent, and that I probably don't give a man many warm & fuzzy feelings that I "need" him for anything at all. I realize men want to feel valued & needed as much as I do, so I do make conscious efforts to make my affections known, and usually make the move toward that, for that reason. I know I'm confusing for them

I guess this all boils down to me wondering if I'm really such an ice princess that I can't meet the needs of someone else? Or do the men I'm meeting really have needs incongruent with my ability to give?.

I did not realize or remember that you were a golfer, which makes my comments about golf inaccurate. I'm sorry. Now, on to your question.

First, I would be prepared for the after event phone call or text. Regardless as to whether you believed that your feelings were made clear, the extra reassurance should not be a burden. If you had a good time, throw a complement or two the guys way. It may seem a bit effusive to you Ice Princesses, but it does make us feel good. Strong and independent does not mean cold and aloof. I don't think the issue is whether you have to show that you can meet his needs (you haven't a clue in one or two dates), but you can certainly show that you value his time, his efforts and his willingness to communicate.

Second, none of this impacts what you have to give in a relationship. The first few dates are the getting comfortable stage. Don't worry what you have to give . . . just see if you have a personality and chemistry match. Just think about giving better feedback, don't worry about showing vulnerability. I am sure that, if you like the guy and he is willing to do what you need, you can be warm and nurturing.