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Second date update!

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  • Second date update!

    So, the second date was last night, and it was short but it went much better. I was on-call, and I told him we would keep it short for that reason. It was pleasant and much more informative. I learned about his family dynamics and got a much better sense of who he is. And it was basically good. I agreed to see him Saturday if I'm out of work at a respectable hour, and he was pleased at the possibility.
    So, no freakish outbreaks or poorly timed displays of affection... Just calm, collected discussions. Ah, the relief!

  • That's nice to hear, atskitty. Excuse me if I don't know the whole story, but I like your descriptions of calm and collected discussions!
    "Dating is like slow dancing. Let the man lead, or you will fall all over your feet"

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    • The post "Another First Date" sums it up Mags After a great first impression via phone & text, our first meeting was a challenge, so check that thread out if you're interested.

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      • Well Kitty, I am so glad to read your second date went a lot better for you. Maybe this guy could be worth having a relationship with. Good luck on the date for Saturday as well with him.
        When out driving always turn left. Then, should you become lost, you can find your way home by reversing the procedure and always turning right.

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        • Well, we went out again last evening. I'm baffled by this guy, honestly.
          He'd told me he smokes occasionally, but is trying to quit. I thought maybe he was one of those people who smokes only while he drinks or something. He indicated it wasn't a daily thing, but in hindsight, he didn't bluntly say that. He'd not smoked on either of our previous dates.
          Last night he broke out the cigs. He even had a bottle of mouthwash in his truck, which he rinsed & spit out into the parking lot!!! before taking me home. It was very odd, a little tacky, and a huge turnoff. I said something about it, of course...he said it was so I wouldn't have to smell it. I said something harsh about that not taking away the smell for long, when you just keep smoking...

          I have asthma, so being with a smoker long-term, as in, living with a smoker would just not likely work for either of us. It didn't seem to me that he was an occasional smoker...probably smoked 5 in the 3 hrs we were together-in 2 non-smoking buildings, if that gives any context to his efforts to get a cig in between venues.
          I asked him why he hadn't smoked with me before. He didn't give a real answer. I didn't pretend this was ok, but I didn't come right out & say it's a deal-breaker, but today I am thinking it probably is for me-if this is really his usual, and he's just feeling more comfortable to let it show. I don't know.
          Between the cigs & the mouthwash....

          So, I guess I'll decide how I feel about this. There's a big part of me that thinks I may just not hear from him again, or at least, not be going out with him again...my distaste for the experience, was probably more evident to him, than it was to even me at that time. It ended quickly, and he left without mention of a future call or meeting.

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          • Originally posted by atskitty2 View Post
            I didn't pretend this was ok, but I didn't come right out & say it's a deal-breaker, but today I am thinking it probably is for me
            Your bunnies will be safer, I think.
            "Those sowing seed with tears
            Will reap with a joyful shout." - Psalm 126

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            • I see him as a smoker. I also seem him as a concealer of facts and a minimizer of facts. He should have at least told you he smokes on the first date. If he had, you may have ended dating him sooner. Alternately, you could have respected the honesty and continued dating, seeing if he was serious about quitting. Even if he is successful at quitting smoking, the character flaws remain. Do you want to get in deeper?
              I have but one lamp by which my feet are guided, and that is the lamp of experience.
              ...
              Shall we gather strength by irresolution and inaction? Shall we acquire the means of effectual resistance by lying supinely on our backs and hugging the delusive phantom of hope, until our enemies shall have bound us hand and foot?

              From a speech by Patrick Henry on March 23, 1775 at St. John's Church, Richmond, Virginia

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              • Sorry to hear that things are not looking better. jns is right.

                If he had 5 smokes in 3 hours, when, in some of that time smoking was not possible, I suspect he smokes daily and more than just one or two.

                Did he really do the mouthwash/spit in front of you? Tacky indeed. The only way I could see that having any redeeming feature would be if he somehow managed to get to the truck in your absence and quickly and discreetly do the rinse without you knowing it.

                I use mouthwash a couple of times a day, in addition to brushing. My wife of more than 10 years has never seen me use it. There is nothing particularly sexy, endearing, elegant or entertaining about tooth brushing and mouth washing. Not something to be shared. There, I accept I am perhaps in a minority, given all the "House Hunters" type of TV shows where a master bathroom without 2 sinks is routinely called a deal breaker. I prefer to do my ablutions in private and to accord my wife the same degree of privacy.
                I do not grow old; if I stop growing, I am old.

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                • Five cigs in 3 hours is neither a casual smoker nor one who is trying to quit. Frankly, and I'm sure I'm being an elitist, but I am equally bothered by rinsing and spitting both in front of you and in the parking lot.

                  I'm in agreement with jns, lots of character flaws.
                  "The only consistent feature of all of your dissatisfying relationships is you." Despair.com "Dysfunction"

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                  • In addition to what everybody else here has said, the mouthwash may cover up the smoke breath, but it sure wouldn't get rid of the smell on his skin and hair or his clothing. This would be too gross for me, if he spits mouthwash in public what other nasty habits has he acquired?
                    That which we forget may as well never really happened.

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                    • I thought all the things y'all are thinking. Yes, baboy, he didn't even stand outside and do this, but sat inside, swished and rinsed and then leaned out the door to spit! Wasn't anything new for him, was the thought I had.
                      What a confusing man... Second date was so nice and pleasant, very normal.

                      I've also been reflecting on some other things he said in discussion, and I just think all my first impressions were correct, he has just adapted quickly to make concessions, but the rotten underside is still there. Some troubling thoughts come to mind, much more troubling than his public cleansing ritual

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                      • On the other hand . . . he does get credit for knowing what a gem you are!
                        "The only consistent feature of all of your dissatisfying relationships is you." Despair.com "Dysfunction"

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                        • Thanks effy.

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                          • As a smoker I can say, the moment I leave a building I light up, it's called habit and same after being in another venue where you can't smoke. He smokes a packet a day, in his mind I would say, like me, he'd love to give up but it's not time he has to really hate it and want to.

                            Spitting out the mouthwash reminds me of people chewing tobacco in America and then spitting it out into a cup.. Wonder if he does that too

                            People need to be 100% honest when they date. I understand not disclosing something through embarrassment but not, a blatant lie to win a date.

                            We as women need to always trust our gut instinct, that intuition that we were born with and go with it.

                            Shame though given you had such a great time and got to the third

                            If he was a casual smoker, as time went by you could talk it through, as a normal smoker, you'd be hitting your head against the wall.

                            But, a lady is a lady and should be treated as such. No man that I know of that views a woman as a lady would ever, ever, do the mouthwash and spit in front of her. D, wouldn't even pass wind for months and months in front of me, actually I recon a year.
                            PUT A LITTLE 'LIKE' IN MY SOUL!

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                            • Thanks for poking your head in here CW, nice to get your point of view.

                              I got a message today, asking my plans for Saturday, he invited me out. I responded with a no, and explained that I think we're incompatible.

                              It still puzzles me...such a classy, refined gentleman at times, then these dark shadows...
                              and I agree, that instinct has rarely been wrong, but I have really tried to be forgiving & give things a chance as I've ventured deeper into the dating tempest. That may prove to be wasted effort.

                              In hindsight, I'm thinking back to that first night and the erratic behavior. He was possibly needing a cig to deal with the nerves & just couldn't keep a handle on himself without it. I'm purely puzzled by it. Such a beautiful 2nd date, no cigs...I just don't know. Other drugs?
                              Regardless, there were other issues that are deal-breakers for me, there's just no point in sharing it all here.

                              Thanks again for the affirmation, feedback & thoughts on the matter.

                              Comment

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