Should I write him off? Lack of texting

[Magnetism]

Those who read my secret lounge thread know that I was getting advice from someone that I don't talk to anymore. There's an new person that I met through a friend, and we share a spark.

The only issue is that he lives out of state, but he comes to my town for business trips and family events. He's expressed trying to find a job here, but we don't know if that's going to happen. When he first met me at my friend's party, he took the lead by approaching me, and asking me out. We did have our first date, which went great. He was super sweet, and again texted me after the date to say that he enjoyed himself and hopes that I had a good time. He said he will be in touch about when he's back in my town. He also said to let him know when I'm in his state, but that's not going to happen anytime soon.

Two weeks went by since our first date, and I decided to wish him a happy holiday today (it's our festival in my religion). He wrote back enthusiastically saying, "Thank you so much!", and I then asked a question. It's been a day since I've heard from him. I try very hard not to be needy and clingy, but I can't help and wonder if a lack of texting is a sign of disinterest. Do a google search and I'm seeing all of this, "If he's really into you, he would take the time to text back. Busy is another word for ****************************."

You may ask why weeks go by without texting. I'm old-fashioned where I prefer to not be the one that always initiates texts, but I thought a happy holiday text wouldn't hurt. Again, it's a nightmare to be perceived as needy or clingy. I like to give people their space. I'm also not comfortable with texting him, "So, why didn't you answer my text? What are you doing?" The person I used to be seeking love advice from told me that men don't always need to text in between dates, especially when they've confirmed that they want to see you in person. This man also told me that he has a stressful job and that he doesn't go out much.

I'm accepting other dates as well, as I don't know what's going to happen. I like him, but I also don't want to make assumptions so soon. As far as long-distance is concerned, I've known quite a few couples that have fell in love that way. I will admit that I'm not used to this situation, but am willing to give it a shot.

P.S. My former coach was telling me that the reason why this guy didn't kiss me on the first date was b/c of my weight, lol.

Keep him or is he already a time-waster? I will admit that a part of me wanted to delete him off of facebook and say "Heck with him." But, another part of me knows that he will be hurt and that I could ruin whatever was meant to develop.

Are there any guys on here that aren't big texters/phone people?

[jns]

I think a LDR requires absolute trust that your SO is waiting for you or a lot of communications. In today's age, a LDR can happen from the start of a relationship and thus use modern communications to bridge the gap. In the old days a relationship had to happen first since communications were spotty. Think military wife.

That being said, I don't see either you, Magnetism, nor your new interest as having the right understanding to pull off a LDR. An off or on date for the night - yes. Even a FWB type of relationship with him. But not a true LDR. To be sure, LDRs are not for everyone and most cannot pull them off even if they are trying.

[Magnetism]

I'm a little confused, jns. What are we both lacking? The way how I see it is that we don't know each other well enough to start an ldr. The friend that introduced us is in an ldr. She also took it slow for the first two momths, and then fell in love. They seem to be doing well. I think my best bet is to get to know him, but don't act as if he's the last man on earth. If he lived where I lived, things would be easier.

[Magnetism]

I don't know why I make threads , and then regret making them. I'm worried that people are going to tell me that it won't work out with this guy. My friend says we look super cute together , and she told her mom. Then, her mom told my mom. My mom said don't write him off or delete him from facebook.

[jns]

The friend that introduced us is in an ldr. She also took it slow for the first two momths, and then fell in love.

At first she and her now SO weren't in a real relationship. They were just off and on dating and communicating (I'm assuming they got together once or a few times.) When she fell in love, I hope he did, too. Then things most likely changed with how much communication was being used.

You may ask why weeks go by without texting. I'm old-fashioned where I prefer to not be the one that always initiates texts, but I thought a happy holiday text wouldn't hurt. Again, it's a nightmare to be perceived as needy or clingy. I like to give people their space. I'm also not comfortable with texting him, "So, why didn't you answer my text? What are you doing?" The person I used to be seeking love advice from told me that men don't always need to text in between dates, especially when they've confirmed that they want to see you in person. This man also told me that he has a stressful job and that he doesn't go out much.

I'm accepting other dates as well, as I don't know what's going to happen.

This is where I brought up the right understanding. At some point someone is going to have to go all in with both feet, in other words, commit even if it means getting very hurt if things don't work out. It means not being rational and going with your gut. It seems like both of you have things to fall back on at this time.

In Buddhism, right understanding is not a static condition. It can be gained, usually by learning, but alternately by a paradigm shift in thinking.

It could work out with this guy, but it may take a leap of faith on both of your parts.

I did take that leap of faith when my wife and I converted our LDR into marriage. I'm sure she did, too. Ours was across 8,000+ miles and our communication method was by letters that needed to be translated. Talk about having hope on hope that things would work out.

[Magnetism]

Thank you for explaining, jns. I feel like if I deleted him from facebook and wrote him off, it would be a "I'm hurting you, before you hurt me" move. I don't want to be self destructive and shut a potential opportunity down, just bc of texting. The guy in person shows that he likes me, and I like him. As for my friends, they both fell in love and see each other frequently.

[Stillness]

I hate texting and am not too keen on phone conversations either. I was dating before cell phones, back when there were long distance charges and I was a poor college student. I suspect that one of my relationships with a girl I was in love with fell apart partly because I didn't like writing letters back then.

I like to be able to look a person in the eye and talk.

[jns]

I agree, don't delete him. At this point it's probably best to takes things slow and not read too much into the situation.

[jns]

I hate texting and am not too keen on phone conversations either. I was dating before cell phones, back when there were long distance charges and I was a poor college student. I suspect that one of my relationships with a girl I was in love with fell apart partly because I didn't like writing letters back then.

I like to be able to look a person in the eye and talk.

If I had to do it the way you suggest, I would have never married my wife. If you had to do it the way I did, you would have never married your wife. As I said, LDRs are not for everyone (and not for most.)

[Magnetism]

He just texted back saying he's coming to town this Sunday for his family, but I'm going to bed. Stillness-I suspect this man is introverted, which is why I wonder if texting and phones isn't a favorite of theirs. I'm introverted too, but I do enjoy deep texting convos lol

[effy2014]

Whether someone is communicative and whether they have the ability to express themselves is a characteristic to consider in determining whether someone is right for you. In a long term relationship, communication is essential. How else can you learn about someone in the space between face to face meetings? How can you keep the spark alive? How else can you be romantic?

I do not buy any of the excuses. High stress job? I get that. But he goes home . . . no one goes right to bed. You can't write an email? A short text? Even if he were introverted, email and texts are the introverts best friends. When I was on line for a short time, I would discard those who hated email or other electronic communication; they are important tools in a relationship.

You have already discovered why this LDR is challenged. You need communication and for your date to reach out. . . it isn't being clingy or desperate. To you it is a sign of caring. It gives you information. Unfortunately, that is not who he is. It is a mismatch that will bother you constantly.

I would go on the next date when he is in town and be honest about your need for communication. People may be able to change. He may see the importance of being more communicative.

[atskitty2]

"He was super sweet, and again texted me after the date to say that he enjoyed himself and hopes that I had a good time. He said he will be in touch about when he's back in my town. He also said to let him know when I'm in his state"

I think he set the tone right there Mags. This to me says, "let's get together when we can...don't call me, I'll call you" sort of thing. That isn't bad, it just sounds to me as if he's letting you know he won't be in constant contact, isn't going to be "going the extra mile", yet you had an expectation that there would be an ongoing light discussion during the interim of who knows how long.

I also agree the "stressful job" is an excuse of sorts. It's a way of gently saying, I won't be available to you often for contacts...in my opinion. As much as I work, and have stress & responsibility, I find time to get on here to check things out, & if I had a man, I'd find a minute or less to type a quick msg or call...it's not that difficult these days.
But, I often get a msg as I'm going into work, have no time to respond & have forgotten about it by the end of my shift...it happens.

I think you've had some great feedback here already, but I'll add another thought or 2.
I keep hearing an "all or nothing" mentality in your statements, when you're thinking of writing him off, deleting him because he's not returned a msg. It doesn't have to be that way. It was one date, and he indicated he would like to see you again, but you aren't "in a relationship" yet, a LDR or otherwise, correct? Was there any indication that he's not dating others, or talk that you two would like to date exclusively even during this early phase of getting to know each other?
Don't write him off, delete him, or anything. Let him come to you - that's what you like, right? This waiting game, is just part of it, and sometimes it can really be hard when you like the person.

I'd like to say that being "needy" and having needs are 2 very different things. We all have needs, and we all reasonably expect those to be met, by the appropriate people in our lives, or ourselves, as the case may be. If a person doesn't meet your needs, it doesn't make you a needy individual. If you seek to have needs met by those who are not responsible for meeting the need or continue expecting someone to meet a need they've already said or demonstrated they cannot, that's neediness, to me.

This guy does not meet your need right now. Doesn't mean he can't, or won't, and maybe if he knows what the need is, as effy said, he'd be more inclined to make the effort. Or, he just may not want anything that serious right now-he may not want expectations placed upon him.

So, go out with him again. Have fun, and go with the flow. Listen to him, and communicate with him in return.

[Magnetism]

Hi all,
Yes, thanks for the replies. I would like to list out what he has done that IS caring.

The guy in the OP has:

-Offered to drive an hour to pick me up from my house, even when he had work the next morning (He has to do presentations here for work on the weekends).
-When he dropped me off, he made sure that my mother opened the door for me to let me in.
-He called several restaurants beforehand to plan our date. He chose a romantic and pricey spot, instead of a coffee shop or bar. Coffee shops and getting a drink at a bar is a common first date in my generation.
-He is a good communicator in person where he asked a lot of questions about my life and myself. He also shared a lot about himself, his family, his friends and how he feels in general. He did invite me to a family event, but I couldn't make it.
-He fed me dessert, which I think is cute!
-He insisted to pay the bill.
-He opened doors and held my dinner box.
-He made sure that I was comfortable on the date. It was all about what I wanted.

When I look at my past serious boyfriends, they also did the same thing. Some may scoff at this behavior, but I'm not going to tell a man, "No, you can't pick me up!" when he offers to do so.

I just had another man online ask me for a date and he's texting me very quickly today, but he wants me to drive an hour downtown to see him. He also is asking me for a last-minute date, which I can't do. I'm still looking for work, am financially tight, and have been spending a lot of time in the suburbs. I really can't afford to drive an hour downtown to meet someone that I don't know, and then find expensive parking. I recall another man in the past would text me all day long, but he bluntly told me that he's not looking for anything serious. In both of these cases, texting meant nothing.

I did text the guy in the OP this afternoon that I would like to see him, in response to his, "I will be flying in tomorrow." text. My former coach would say that's "showing too much interest." and will kill the relationship. But, I would prefer to figure things out now than later. Someone on this guy's facebook even wrote, "Hey, will you at least to respond to our messages?" So, it's not just me.

All what was discussed was that we want to keep seeing each other, but we didn't discuss exclusivity. I'm not one to bring up exclusivity on the first few dates. That has been decided in my past relationships over time.

I was taught that the guy has to do everything on his own in dating, without the girl needing to speak what she wants. After that situation with the former coach, I don't know what to believe right now. Given how sweet and considerate this guy acts in person, it's possible that he's just oblivious to how a lack of communication makes someone feel. I just don't get that "player" and "I don't give a ********" vibe from him. When I first met him at my friend's party, he was talking about his previous relationships that lasted for a few years and then complained about how he dated some girls that didn't go anywhere.

[effy2014]

I did text the guy in the OP this afternoon that I would like to see him, in response to his, "I will be flying in tomorrow." text. My former coach would say that's "showing too much interest." and will kill the relationship. But, I would prefer to figure things out now than later.

********************************************

I was taught that the guy has to do everything on his own in dating, without the girl needing to speak what she wants. After that situation with the former coach, I don't know what to believe right now. Given how sweet and considerate this guy acts in person, it's possible that he's just oblivious to how a lack of communication makes someone feel.

Thank you for filling in the missing information. He does seem like a good guy. Being non-communicative on the days that he is not seeing you doesn't mean he is a player or a bad date. He may not understand the need for or importance of communication. Thankfully, it can be a learned trait.

Who was this dating coach???? IMHO, you have been given terrible advice. There is a huge difference between showing interest and being clingy. Every guy responds well to a woman who is interested. Your text showed him you liked the date . . . a reward for all of his planning. In my view, disinterest is far more likely to kill a relationship, especially when the man is going all out to please. We like good feedback.

I partially agree with the coach that the man should be the planner and decision maker for the date. One of my SO's main complaints with her ex was that she had to make all the decisions. He would not plan or even express and opinion. It was "anything you want". While that seems nice, it puts way too much on pressure on one partner. However, the flip side, for the man to be successful (at least in my SO's opinion), the plans and decisions he makes must be what she wants and cater to her needs. To do that successfully, however, the man must learn her wants, needs and desires. That requires communication. Extensive communication.

For a non-communicative man, that can be difficult. But a communicative woman can give him a push (not a shove, mind you). Give hints as only a woman can. My quarrel with your "coach" is that, in the absence of either side communicating, things go south in a hurry. If you like him, find a way to communicate using a method comfortable to you and him.

I will stick by my original assessment on your need for a communicative man. Even if he is a great guy, you need stroking when he isn't around. You will need to train him.

[Magnetism]

Effy-I don't know if you can access the secret lounge thread, but I talked about a fallout with this coach. I generally believe that man must pursue, but I also don't think it's bad to reciprocate. Even when I met him at my friend's party, he took me out on a mini date and was apparently trying very hard to impress. I hope I'm not being clingy by just saying I would like to see him. the ball is in his court now