[effy2014]

Whether someone is communicative and whether they have the ability to express themselves is a characteristic to consider in determining whether someone is right for you. In a long term relationship, communication is essential. How else can you learn about someone in the space between face to face meetings? How can you keep the spark alive? How else can you be romantic?

I do not buy any of the excuses. High stress job? I get that. But he goes home . . . no one goes right to bed. You can't write an email? A short text? Even if he were introverted, email and texts are the introverts best friends. When I was on line for a short time, I would discard those who hated email or other electronic communication; they are important tools in a relationship.

You have already discovered why this LDR is challenged. You need communication and for your date to reach out. . . it isn't being clingy or desperate. To you it is a sign of caring. It gives you information. Unfortunately, that is not who he is. It is a mismatch that will bother you constantly.

I would go on the next date when he is in town and be honest about your need for communication. People may be able to change. He may see the importance of being more communicative.

[atskitty2]

"He was super sweet, and again texted me after the date to say that he enjoyed himself and hopes that I had a good time. He said he will be in touch about when he's back in my town. He also said to let him know when I'm in his state"

I think he set the tone right there Mags. This to me says, "let's get together when we can...don't call me, I'll call you" sort of thing. That isn't bad, it just sounds to me as if he's letting you know he won't be in constant contact, isn't going to be "going the extra mile", yet you had an expectation that there would be an ongoing light discussion during the interim of who knows how long.

I also agree the "stressful job" is an excuse of sorts. It's a way of gently saying, I won't be available to you often for contacts...in my opinion. As much as I work, and have stress & responsibility, I find time to get on here to check things out, & if I had a man, I'd find a minute or less to type a quick msg or call...it's not that difficult these days.
But, I often get a msg as I'm going into work, have no time to respond & have forgotten about it by the end of my shift...it happens.

I think you've had some great feedback here already, but I'll add another thought or 2.
I keep hearing an "all or nothing" mentality in your statements, when you're thinking of writing him off, deleting him because he's not returned a msg. It doesn't have to be that way. It was one date, and he indicated he would like to see you again, but you aren't "in a relationship" yet, a LDR or otherwise, correct? Was there any indication that he's not dating others, or talk that you two would like to date exclusively even during this early phase of getting to know each other?
Don't write him off, delete him, or anything. Let him come to you - that's what you like, right? This waiting game, is just part of it, and sometimes it can really be hard when you like the person.

I'd like to say that being "needy" and having needs are 2 very different things. We all have needs, and we all reasonably expect those to be met, by the appropriate people in our lives, or ourselves, as the case may be. If a person doesn't meet your needs, it doesn't make you a needy individual. If you seek to have needs met by those who are not responsible for meeting the need or continue expecting someone to meet a need they've already said or demonstrated they cannot, that's neediness, to me.

This guy does not meet your need right now. Doesn't mean he can't, or won't, and maybe if he knows what the need is, as effy said, he'd be more inclined to make the effort. Or, he just may not want anything that serious right now-he may not want expectations placed upon him.

So, go out with him again. Have fun, and go with the flow. Listen to him, and communicate with him in return.

[Magnetism]

Hi all,
Yes, thanks for the replies. I would like to list out what he has done that IS caring.

The guy in the OP has:

-Offered to drive an hour to pick me up from my house, even when he had work the next morning (He has to do presentations here for work on the weekends).
-When he dropped me off, he made sure that my mother opened the door for me to let me in.
-He called several restaurants beforehand to plan our date. He chose a romantic and pricey spot, instead of a coffee shop or bar. Coffee shops and getting a drink at a bar is a common first date in my generation.
-He is a good communicator in person where he asked a lot of questions about my life and myself. He also shared a lot about himself, his family, his friends and how he feels in general. He did invite me to a family event, but I couldn't make it.
-He fed me dessert, which I think is cute!
-He insisted to pay the bill.
-He opened doors and held my dinner box.
-He made sure that I was comfortable on the date. It was all about what I wanted.

When I look at my past serious boyfriends, they also did the same thing. Some may scoff at this behavior, but I'm not going to tell a man, "No, you can't pick me up!" when he offers to do so.

I just had another man online ask me for a date and he's texting me very quickly today, but he wants me to drive an hour downtown to see him. He also is asking me for a last-minute date, which I can't do. I'm still looking for work, am financially tight, and have been spending a lot of time in the suburbs. I really can't afford to drive an hour downtown to meet someone that I don't know, and then find expensive parking. I recall another man in the past would text me all day long, but he bluntly told me that he's not looking for anything serious. In both of these cases, texting meant nothing.

I did text the guy in the OP this afternoon that I would like to see him, in response to his, "I will be flying in tomorrow." text. My former coach would say that's "showing too much interest." and will kill the relationship. But, I would prefer to figure things out now than later. Someone on this guy's facebook even wrote, "Hey, will you at least to respond to our messages?" So, it's not just me.

All what was discussed was that we want to keep seeing each other, but we didn't discuss exclusivity. I'm not one to bring up exclusivity on the first few dates. That has been decided in my past relationships over time.

I was taught that the guy has to do everything on his own in dating, without the girl needing to speak what she wants. After that situation with the former coach, I don't know what to believe right now. Given how sweet and considerate this guy acts in person, it's possible that he's just oblivious to how a lack of communication makes someone feel. I just don't get that "player" and "I don't give a ****" vibe from him. When I first met him at my friend's party, he was talking about his previous relationships that lasted for a few years and then complained about how he dated some girls that didn't go anywhere.

[effy2014]

I did text the guy in the OP this afternoon that I would like to see him, in response to his, "I will be flying in tomorrow." text. My former coach would say that's "showing too much interest." and will kill the relationship. But, I would prefer to figure things out now than later.

**********************

I was taught that the guy has to do everything on his own in dating, without the girl needing to speak what she wants. After that situation with the former coach, I don't know what to believe right now. Given how sweet and considerate this guy acts in person, it's possible that he's just oblivious to how a lack of communication makes someone feel.

Thank you for filling in the missing information. He does seem like a good guy. Being non-communicative on the days that he is not seeing you doesn't mean he is a player or a bad date. He may not understand the need for or importance of communication. Thankfully, it can be a learned trait.

Who was this dating coach???? IMHO, you have been given terrible advice. There is a huge difference between showing interest and being clingy. Every guy responds well to a woman who is interested. Your text showed him you liked the date . . . a reward for all of his planning. In my view, disinterest is far more likely to kill a relationship, especially when the man is going all out to please. We like good feedback.

I partially agree with the coach that the man should be the planner and decision maker for the date. One of my SO's main complaints with her ex was that she had to make all the decisions. He would not plan or even express and opinion. It was "anything you want". While that seems nice, it puts way too much on pressure on one partner. However, the flip side, for the man to be successful (at least in my SO's opinion), the plans and decisions he makes must be what she wants and cater to her needs. To do that successfully, however, the man must learn her wants, needs and desires. That requires communication. Extensive communication.

For a non-communicative man, that can be difficult. But a communicative woman can give him a push (not a shove, mind you). Give hints as only a woman can. My quarrel with your "coach" is that, in the absence of either side communicating, things go south in a hurry. If you like him, find a way to communicate using a method comfortable to you and him.

I will stick by my original assessment on your need for a communicative man. Even if he is a great guy, you need stroking when he isn't around. You will need to train him.

[Magnetism]

Effy-I don't know if you can access the secret lounge thread, but I talked about a fallout with this coach. I generally believe that man must pursue, but I also don't think it's bad to reciprocate. Even when I met him at my friend's party, he took me out on a mini date and was apparently trying very hard to impress. I hope I'm not being clingy by just saying I would like to see him. the ball is in his court now

[effy2014]

Effy-I don't know if you can access the secret lounge thread, but I talked about a fallout with this coach. I generally believe that man must pursue, but I also don't think it's bad to reciprocate. Even when I met him at my friend's party, he took me out on a mini date and was apparently trying very hard to impress. I hope I'm not being clingy by just saying I would like to see him. the ball is in his court now

Unfortunately, I am not worthy enough for the Secret Lounge. I fear that even knowing about its existence puts me at great risk .....

I personally do not think a statement like that is clingy at all. It is important to be able to express your feelings or to check in with a date without being thought of as clingy. Just part of good communication skills.

[Magnetism]

Even though we communicated that meeting tonight would be a possibility, I now have to wait for a text for him to confirm if he's available or not. He says that his schedule isn't clear yet, how he has a dinner tonight with a potential employer, and how he will let me know what's going on. This is uncomfortable for me, because I prefer plans in advance and I told him that nicely. He said he might be available tomorrow, but I already have another date tomorrow with a man that gave me a place and time in advance. I don't think it's nice to cancel tomorrow's date. If we can't meet this time, I'm going to focus on others and I know my answer.

[effy2014]

This is a good case study for you. The fact that he is busy tonight is not his fault . . . you would not expect him to cancel a meeting with a new employer. You are busy tomorrow -- not because you would prefer to go out with the new guy, but because he gave you a date and a time in advance. Why is that?

Why would you let your "discomfort" in last minute plans keep you from dating a man with whom you may have a great connection? Further, if you do not go out with him "this time" what answer will you have? That he cares about his career? Do you have a connection with the new guy who followed the dating rules?

As you wrote in a different thread, you are only attracted to a very small subset of men. Why cast this one off?

[Magnetism]

Ignore my above irritated text. Date confirmed and he profusely apologized for the delayed text. Will figure things out when I see him, if it's worth continuing.

[effy2014]

Ignore my above post as well.