Is porn "emotional" cheating?

[Avatar Nirvana]

Almost a year ago my boyfriend told me he looks at porn, but uses it for "sexual gratification" once he starts thinking of me. After he bursted into tears and wanted to burn his hentai magazines that he got in Japan in front of me after telling him how hurt he was, I was a little more at ease, but mainly due to the fact that my nephew was born the next day. Once in a while I think about how I feel. It's been back in my mind since we believe someone we know is having an affair that makes both of us think about how to preserve our relationship. I still feel like I can't trust him since I'm not constantly watching what he is doing. How do I get over this and are my feelings about him viewing porn correct?

[kira]

Well it depends on what the individuals feel but I think most on here probably wouldn't consider it any type of cheating. I would bet more people in places like the US look at porn than those that never look at porn. I even watch stuff with my husband sometimes. We freely watch all the porn we want. My porn watching has dropped off sharply though cause it just doesn't interest me anymore. I'm back to romance novels. Are romance novels a form of cheating?

[Motorguy]

Well Nirvana, you do have to give boy friend some credit, he told you about the porn. Plus he felt bad it's not like he was caught doing it by you or you finding all the porn. But now these feeling come up because of someone you do know is having affair. So you can't give trust your boy friend, I think you need to give him the benefit of the doubt and not let this eat at your relationship. Watching porn and cheating on your spouse are way two different things you can not link them together. I see a lot that couples fail to commutate with each other. So be open with your boy friend tell him your feeling what you think and see if the porn is out of his system if not this will rot at your relationship and will soon ruin it. I would see if you and him can seek therapy together but don't think that porn is cheating it's not. Just be happy it was just that and not boy friend seeing hookers or cheating on you with another women. So good luck and God bless in your future with your boy friend you can get over this little hiccup.

[effy2014]

This is an issue that completely confounds me. First, let's acknowledge the facts: 64% of American men watch porn on a monthly basis. If you look at the 18-30 demographic, the statistic jumps to almost 80%. By the way, the statistics don't change for Christian men either. One respected university was attempting to do a study assessing the impact of porn but couldn't find one male study participant who had never watched porn. Men watch porn.

Why do you think it's cheating, emotionally or otherwise? Is it cheating if you go see a movie where you have a crush on the lead male actor? That is simply nonsense. Yes, these actors have no clothes on and have sex. But they are scripted productions nonetheless. It is entertainment, plain and simple. So the question really is . . . why does his watching porn make you feel insecure about the relationship?

Now, if he is spending his days watching porn or he refuses to have sex with you and watches porn instead, then he has a problem. If he cannot distinguish the real world from movie watching, he has a problem. But, if he is an occasional viewer there is no problem. He is not comparing you to any of the actresses nor does he want them over you. He knows that you are real.

This is your issue, not his. Forcing him to abandon porn or spying on him to enforce your insecurity will lead to the downfall of the relationship.

[Something_Awesome]

Effy, people get upset over porn due to security issues.

My GF does not watch porn often, but if she does, I don't really care. The pornstars are "bigger" down there than I am, but I genuinely do not care. I do not envy them either. What I am trying to say is to try to not feel so insecure about him watching porn. A lot of pornstars don't look good anyway.

Your BF just needs some visual stimulation when you're away as probably does my GF. We don't live together, so...

[effy2014]

Effy, people get upset over porn due to security issues..

Yes, SA, for some it is the insecurity of the comparison. For others, it's purely a moral issue. I just can't connect with the cheating analysis -- seeing a picture of a naked woman other than my SO is emotional cheating? Perhaps if it was a friend of hers or a neighbor (then she could ask how I got it), but if it's a picture in Playboy? Sheesh.

[raindancer]

Wow, Avatar Nirvana!

I'll tell you something I think of relationships. I want to be the last person in the world who'd make my man cry. I want to be the last person in the world who'd make him feel bad, feel guilty, feel like he's wrong.

I'll think of myself as a failure, where relationships go, if I make my man regret telling me something about himself and his private times. Or if I'd make him feel he has to hide something from me, or if I'd do/say anything that would take a part of his sexuality from himself.

Relationships are about myself loving myself, feeling great about myself, and making this world a better place for my man. The return is amazing. A man who feels good will make you feel good, will adore you back, love you back, trust you back.

Is watching porn cheating? It seems it is, to you. Are you wrong? I don't know. My truths don't apply to other people. You have to find your own. But think of it: a life with drama is not good. And we dramatize all by ourselves, inside our brains. And we spread it to people around us. And we get the return of that bad ambiance.

Do you really need to be the master of someone's free/alone time?

[JessyJess]

It totally depends on you and on your partner. Some people are really against it, and then their bf should be more considerate and if he can't they probably are not supposed to be together.
I don't see it as any kind of cheating, not when he does it and not when i do. I think it's perfectly normal and natural.

[LindsyLindsy]

mmm, I'm not keen on my BF looking at porn, is a bit like not being mature about what sex is. Sex is something intimate you do with your partner not something you do in order to get a sexual high like a teenage boy with a porn mag.

[Motorguy]

mmm, I'm not keen on my BF looking at porn, is a bit like not being mature about what sex is. Sex is something intimate you do with your partner not something you do in order to get a sexual high like a teenage boy with a porn mag.

Well Lindsy, you can use porn as a couple together while in the course of being intimate with your partner. So sneaking it or using it as self pleasure I do not see it as cheating it may be freaky and weird for some people but it's in no way cheating.There's no real person with you but what ever is on the screen.

[Asarabacca]

mmm, I'm not keen on my BF looking at porn, is a bit like not being mature about what sex is. Sex is something intimate you do with your partner not something you do in order to get a sexual high like a teenage boy with a porn mag.

Sex is different for everyone.

I don't see porn as cheating, but that's probably because I look at it and so does my partner. We both agree that it gets the job done.

[caster]

mmm, I'm not keen on my BF looking at porn, is a bit like not being mature about what sex is. Sex is something intimate you do with your partner not something you do in order to get a sexual high like a teenage boy with a porn mag.

So I take it masturbation is taboo for you as well as your BF once you become a couple?

[PandaB87]

So I take it masturbation is taboo for you as well as your BF once you become a couple?

Boom!

I never worried about any of this in past relationships.

[effy2014]

I assumed that this thread would die, as the OP has not returned since she posted. However, I feel compelled to comment on Lindsy's post. If her BF watches porn as a reality show about sex (or as a substitute for the real stuff) he may have a maturity issue. It is as immature as people who watch soap operas thinking that they accurately depict relationships or the WWE thinking that it is real. Most of us just aren't that stupid.

Porn is entertainment, plain and simple. It has the added benefit of naked people on the screen. Just like any form of entertainment, there need to be limits and boundaries. But watching porn is not cheating, emotionally or otherwise, nor is it a sign of immaturity. Unless there is serious issue of substituting porn for relationship intimacy, making a big deal over watching porn is a huge mistake.

[faeluna]

I think it is definitely cheating and you shouldn't have to "get over it."