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  • new man?

    Hello all!
    So, I went out to celebrate several things last Saturday night. I ended up meeting a very nice man and I gave him my number. It turned into a very social evening, meeting lots of new people. One woman I met was this man's friend of many years. She told me, twice, that they were in love and will eventually be married. He just has some commitment issues he's working through. She said that I could do all I want with him but said that he will eventually be with her.

    Ok. Whatever. At the time I took it in and let it go. Wasn't meaning that much, as I didn't even know if he'll call me, and I was talking with several other men and women that night. She just seemed a bit fruity to me.

    Well, he was the only man I met that I actually had hoped may call. He invited me to lunch. We did meet a couple days later, and it was a very nice time. It was a casual encounter, nothing super romantic, neither of us trying too hard. He shared info about his family, and I my work. I enjoyed it, was attracted to him for what a genuine man he seems to be and his baby blue eyes were engaging.
    Eventually the discussion got around to the night we met and general talk of the event. I said something about his stalker. He said he knows she's a bit intense (crazy) and has feelings for him. I asked him if they have a romantic history, he said no. I shared with him what she informed me of and her warnings. I told him I share that not for my interest, because she's evidently inserting herself into his personal life and possibly driving people away, and I thought he should know. Lunch ended with a walk and a peck at my car
    He invited me to lunch again yesterday. It was a very nice time again. He told me he'd asked other friends opinions on this woman, & had a talk with "her" and made things very clear to her and that he intends to limit contact until she understood boundaries. Other friends knew she was doing this and never told him.
    He said I have nothing to worry about with her. They've been friends for many years, and he believes this will pass.

    I appreciated that. But I'm left a bit puzzled by it all.

    At the end of lunch, he said he had something for me in the car. I thought, wth? Is it her head? Lol!!!
    So we went outside and he opened up a cooler and pulled out a big bouquet of flowers!!!

    Me, being the practical virgin, was shocked and started blabbering like a 15 yr old...and he shut me up with a kiss and a big hug....
    I am smitten y'all. I think I blushed and got weak kneed....my hands were trembling.

    I had to take those flowers to work and I really hate mixing my personal life in with work. But....I had to share the story. It was fun...and people were happy for me.

    So, anyway...my question is, what are your thoughts on the handling of this woman. Both by me, and by him? I told him I steer clear of drama, and I'm not interested in even a friendship that may cause any stress or difficulty in my life.

  • This may sound cynical, but there will be three of you in a relationship if you pursue him. The only way to cut her out would be for you and him to move somewhere where she couldn't find you even if she searched.

    Friendships should be low stress and low drama. It sounds like you are considering a relationship if things go well. Relationships always have the ability to increase stress. They should have positive attributes that make them well worth the stress that they may cause.

    Being romantically pursued by someone you like can make your head spin. It's amazing how fast it happens. Best wishes.
    I have but one lamp by which my feet are guided, and that is the lamp of experience.
    ...
    Shall we gather strength by irresolution and inaction? Shall we acquire the means of effectual resistance by lying supinely on our backs and hugging the delusive phantom of hope, until our enemies shall have bound us hand and foot?

    From a speech by Patrick Henry on March 23, 1775 at St. John's Church, Richmond, Virginia

    Comment


    • And that's exactly my fear, that she will be everpresent and boundaries wouldn't be respected by her or enforced by him.<br />
      I will not continue in that sort of situation, so I'm keeping an open mind for how he handles this.<br />
      <br />
      So, thanks. I appreciate you sharing your perspective.

      Comment


      • I smiled reading the part about you and the flowers and being smitten. :-)

        I think for now, I'd take him at his word. But (knowing you will anyway), I'd stay vigilant about it. I think a situation like that is an odd one because when I put myself in his shoes, there is no way I would continue a friendship of any sort with someone who I knew was madly in love with me, warning off others, etc. I don't even see how it's possible to have a friendship with someone like that. Perhaps this happening with you has brought to light the severity of it for him and maybe he will make a break now.

        As I think we all do when considering situations, I revert to my own experience. In my case, it wasn't a good one. The guy had a female neighbor he said was a good friend. He said when he first moved here, they became friends when he moved in next to her and that they dated for a couple weeks and decided they were better as friends. He even told me he wasn't attracted to her and honestly, I felt I had no reason not to believe him. After all, if they wanted to be together, why wouldn't they be?? I started noticing that she was NEVER around when I was around, only when I wasn't. We ran into her at a festival and my intuition started screaming, icccck, something just isn't right. I started asking "why does she never invite US to do anything???" He acknowledged that he knew she had more than friend feelings for him. Anyway, we shortly after broke up. Fast forward 3 years.....they are married and expecting their first child. Lol!!

        For now, enjoy the butterflies and the getting to know him. Listen to your intuition and if you see things that aren't right, take note and address them. No sense in letting a "what if" ruin a possible great thing. :-) Enjoy!
        "Be what you're looking for."

        Comment


        • Thanks BD. From what he told me, he didn't know how far it had gone, or that she was actually plotting their future together. He asked mutual friends and they told him the truth what he hadn't known, as he indicated.<br />
          <br />
          He told me he hasn't spoken to her in a week. He said previously, she was part of his regular social circle, talking at least every couple days.<br />
          <br />
          He seemed grateful that I shared this with him. So, I'm cautious, but I did appreciate that he initiated the second conversation. He shared what he'd done about the info I gave him, without me asking or even making it my business. Because at this point, it isn't my business<br />
          <br />
          So, it could be all for show, or it could be he is genuine. Only time will tell.<br />
          We are meeting for dinner tomorrow night.<br />
          <br />
          Thanks again. I hope to hear from more of you!

          Comment


          • I think he sounds legit. But you're right, only time will tell. In the meantime, it sure is fun to enjoy those feelings. And there is always a great chance that they will turn into something more. :-) If he's really into YOU, then there's no way he'll let her come between you two.
            "Be what you're looking for."

            Comment


            • That's what I think. I'm not bringing it up again, so I'll see if he talks about her or brings it up.<br />
              <br />
              I will see him this evening.

              Comment


              • Well, our first "real" date went great. He is a talker, and I hardly get a word in at all, which is fine...but gives me pause also, as I wonder how much he actually knows about me. I know a lot about him! <br />
                <br />
                He shared a lot of what I consider to be very personal info last night. He told me about his biggest business failure, and how that's affected him. He told me all about the divorce and what's happened in his life in the 13 years since then.<br />
                <br />
                He told me very bluntly that he likes to be in control of things and situations. He said not necessarily people, but he likes to keep things in a certain order and he works hard to manage his life and make choices with favorable consequences. I had already figured that out, from all he's told me. <br />
                I don't get a sense that he's a controlling man over his woman, I've had no indication of that so far. <br />
                <br />
                He told me more about his business, and his successes and failures. I had googled him yesterday. I didn't realize he was quite as successful as he is. There are local newspaper articles with his statements and business opinions on development of land in the area. I was shocked.<br />
                <br />
                And he showed me a very giving side to himself last night. And I watched him and looked really into his eyes as he told his story. I sorta fell for him a bit in that moment. I saw a very deep feeling guy, who's hurting for his kids to leave and for what he's not yet been able to give and accomplish in work and in life.<br />
                <br />
                So, he talks a lot. I'm glad for that as I've learned a lot. He's grown up in the area, and in business has met many people over the years. So he meets people everywhere we go. He is personal friends with the chef/owner who came out to shake his hand last night at the restaurant. They chatted like old pals and he introduced me.<br />
                <br />
                I met another long time friend of his, later, when we ran into him. So, he is very socially connected. He knows a lot of people around town.<br />
                <br />
                No talk of the stalker. Lol. And I was fine with that. <br />
                <br />
                Very interested to see where this goes.

                Comment


                • Originally posted by atskitty2 View Post
                  Well, our first "real" date went great. He is a talker, and I hardly get a word in at all, which is fine...but gives me pause also, as I wonder how much he actually knows about me. I know a lot about him!
                  A first date requires something to talk about. Sometimes it is safer to talk about yourself than seeming to pry by posing questions to the other. Future dates are time enough for him to get to know more about you. Its only a problem if he never seems to want to know about you.

                  It sounds like things are going great. Best wishes!
                  I have but one lamp by which my feet are guided, and that is the lamp of experience.
                  ...
                  Shall we gather strength by irresolution and inaction? Shall we acquire the means of effectual resistance by lying supinely on our backs and hugging the delusive phantom of hope, until our enemies shall have bound us hand and foot?

                  From a speech by Patrick Henry on March 23, 1775 at St. John's Church, Richmond, Virginia

                  Comment


                  • Yes, it's going well so far. Thanks.

                    Comment


                    • Well, as little as I've said, he seems to remember it. I said something about the illness I may have, he confirmed the possibility and said he'd read up on it.<br />
                      <br />
                      That was nice. I hadn't thought he was listening.

                      Comment


                      • That IS a nice thing. The guy I'm dating right now brings up little things I've said, done, or even worn and I'm so not use to someone paying that much attention to all the little details. It's a great feeling when someone is genuinely interested in all that makes you, you.

                        What's the latest?
                        "Be what you're looking for."

                        Comment


                        • I've not seen him since that date. He texts me daily, at least once. <br />
                          I've had a rough time with new developments in my illness, and family visiting from out of town, the last week.<br />
                          <br />
                          I do like this guy, and I hope that things continue to go well. I realized I am usually unhappy about how fast men want to move forward, and here is a guy moving slow, and I want to speed things up! So, I put myself on pause, and have just decided to enjoy the pace, at his leading. Makes me a bit insecure, honestly, but it's just been 2 weeks. I actually like this, not having plans every other day with someone.

                          Comment


                          • We wound up meeting for dinner last night. He told me he'd had a follow-up discussion with "her" and that he had cut off the friendship for awhile and explained to her why. Told me he did it for her benefit, in hopes she will realize and finally move forward, and even seek help for her issues. That's been the extent of it for 2 weeks. I was pleased to hear it.

                            He told me a bit of her history also, which sort of explains her behavior. Very sad actually.

                            We had a nice discussion about what we're looking for, and what we want. He's very communicative and seems to know himself well enough to be comfortable sharing what he views as his faults and what he needs and wants in a partner.
                            I believe he's being very honest. I am really into him, more than I've been into any other man I've dated.
                            He told me his opinion of me so far, getting to know me, and his assessment was right on point. That made me realize how interested he is, and being respectful of me.

                            Every time I'm with him I have a time where he just makes me think "wow". I am building respect for him and admiration. I think I've found a good man, genuinely.

                            We wound up back at his house for a swim and some hot tub time...lots of fun. Was a very nice evening.

                            Comment


                            • Oh wow this is excellent news Kitty. I'm so very happy for you from what I have read it seem like a very nice relationship forming for you with this new guy. I truly wish you the very best in the future in this relationship.
                              When out driving always turn left. Then, should you become lost, you can find your way home by reversing the procedure and always turning right.

                              Comment

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