[stella5]

Hey there,

Just had a quick read of what everyone else said so I don't repeat the same things.

Firstly, it's a good thing that there hasn't been any physical abuse because that's obviously a sign that you should get the hell out of the relationship. Now that's out of the way let's address some of the other things.

1) About the fact that you earn more money than him, I'm not surprised that it bothers him since most men have almost an innate feature that makes them feel like they should be the provider in the relationship. It makes it even more difficult since he's struggling with money as well.

2) His extremely traumatic childhood sounds like something that he needs professional help with and it isn't really your responsibility. I think that it's great of you and of any partner to try and understand their other halves, what they've been through and try to be the person he needs, but there's only so much you can do if he isn't willing to help himself.

3) From what you've said you aren't doing anything wrong at all, in fact, you're doing your very best to understand his needs and try to help him. Since he's going through some tough times it's not surprising that he lashes out even when you're trying to help him.

Now to the point that you actually want a response to - How much is too much?

Like I mentioned above, the fact that there isn't any physical abuse is good. In terms of the verbal outbreaks and things he says to you, personally, I think that there's a little bit of that in every relationship but it shouldn't be a constant thing.

You seem like a great person since you keep trying to help him and you're looking at how to support him more. However, if it's gotten to the point where you're starting to feel like it's too much I think it's time for you to address this. If he lashes out and you again I honestly think you need to say what you're feeling, specifically everything you're doing to try to help him and makes him feel better and yet the response he's giving you is not okay.

I've been in a similar situation myself where I was going through a tough time and took it out on my girlfriend quite a bit. However, at some point, I realized that if I kept that up she would leave me and find someone better, who treats her well.

He definitely doesn't seem like a bad guy, he just needs to get himself in check and honestly, with someone in his situation, I think you just have to be blunt and tell him the absolute truth about how you feel as well.

Best of Luck,

Jake Collins

Thank you so much! Just finding these responses here as I posted essentially the same question on these boards just now. I guess we've made less progress in this last year than i Thought since re-reading my earlier post shows that I've just adapted to him more. I appreciate your words of encouragement, sometimes it makes me feel like I'm a little crazy, but I do feel like I'm trying to be a Good Partner but I don't want to be walked on or have that kindness taken advantage of. I think the way I conceptualize Love makes me highly susceptible to putting up with a lot. We're in a better place now than were last year, but the core problems have not been solved, possibly because I am so fearful of conflict that I don't bring up any of my issues during peace times...I just want to enjoy the peace. Perhaps I have my own issues to work out...

Anyway, thanks for taking the time to respond I appreciate it.

[Texasred]

1) About the fact that you earn more money than him, I'm not surprised that it bothers him since most men have almost an innate feature that makes them feel like they should be the provider in the relationship.

I beg to differ: It's not "almost innate," it *is* innate.
But that's no excuse for bad behavior, and make no mistake, his behavior as Stella describes it is bad.

Many years ago, I had a sister-in-law living nearby who was engaged to an apparently fine guy: I liked him, everyone liked him. He was well-mannered, educated, gainfully employed; her parents loved him! But as their wedding day approached, he became more and more of an ***hole to her and her only, starting silly arguments, being late to meet her, making unreasonable demands, breaking dates, disappearing with "friends," - seemingly anything to annoy her. I even told her I thought he was having cold feet but wasn't man enough to tell her, so he was trying to get her to call of the wedding; but she said no. Less than a month after the wedding, her dad called me on a Saturday morning and asked me to help him move her things out of her (their) apartment...

Maybe there's a lesson here for Stella?

[Popcorn&Candy]

How have things panned out, stella5? Walking on eggshells would make anyone stressed out. Yes: he was having a hard time, but you should never be the scapegoat and you do deserve respect. I can understand a little aggression: but you're not some toy. I hope things have moved forward now. Did you break up? Or did things end up resolved? I hope you're happy now, though. You deserve better, frankly.

[stella5]

How have things panned out, stella5? Walking on eggshells would make anyone stressed out. Yes: he was having a hard time, but you should never be the scapegoat and you do deserve respect. I can understand a little aggression: but you're not some toy. I hope things have moved forward now. Did you break up? Or did things end up resolved? I hope you're happy now, though. You deserve better, frankly.

Thank you Popcorn&Candy! Ummm it was an eventful year, but though a lot of things happened, some fundamental things stayed the same. He is more aware of his behavior and doesn't do things as often but usually I can tell that he's actually gearing up for a bigger fight when he starts to act strangely aggressive and defensive about little things. I have been walking on eggshells for quite a while, and gauging from my poor friends who have been with me through all this, I need to leave him. I think he's emotionally manipulative and I just can't handle the on/off anymore. But KNOWING you need to leave and actually DOING it are two different things. I think I have some painful months ahead of me. Thanks for the kind words.

[Texasred]

Better a few painful months than many painful years.

[atskitty2]

stella, coming to the realization for what needs to happen, is most of the battle. Once you reach that decision, you can begin to put into place a plan for exiting the relationship with as little drama and stress as possible. Start thinking about how you want things to go, and then take action accordingly. If you live together, you probably own things together, or have things that you'll be fighting over. Have in mind ahead, what you can compromise on, and what you can't. Is there a lease you've signed jointly? Be looking for housing on your own, if you anticipate that you'll be the one to leave the current residence.
Set aside a few hundred dollars, at minimum as an additional emergency fund in case you need to get somewhere quickly, if things get ugly or violent.

Then, take it from there as far as social connections and all the peripheral issues that come with a long term break up. It is overwhelming at first, and you'll have some dark times, but you'll get through.

[Popcorn&Candy]

I agree, atskitty2. I second your post.

[stella5]

It is overwhelming at first, and you'll have some dark times, but you'll get through.

Thanks for the encouragement, just putting one foot in front of the other. The good news is that he will soon be travelling for a few months so with him outside of the country it will be easier for me to get a plan into motion and self-stabilize before he's back around to sucker me back in....

[amy40]

it will be easier for me to get a plan into motion

do you have friends or co-workers to help you?
all the best to you

[Texasred]

Stella, when he's back around - don't let him come back around!
You're definitely better off without him, and the sooner you make that clean break, the better off you'll be.