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too jaded?

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  • I think watching my friends in their dating and relationship habits, and trying to manage mine in a different way has helped me over the years. Learning from my own, and others, mistakes.

    The roles of each of us in dating have become so confusing. I think naturally, men and women pursue, or be pursued, in different ways. It seems like my girlfriend will go out with anyone that asks, even though she voices (to me) concern about a major thing, like still being married.
    I think we have loosened our standards due to the rarity of finding a person that actually comes close to meeting our ideal standards. For me, recently separated is married, and a no-go. Even a recently divorced man is questionable for me.

    I can't tell you the numbers of men who say they are very interested in getting to know me, say all these nice things after a meeting, or after chatting awhile, then ghost out almost immediately after the conversation. I'm not sure if they are just flakes to begin with, or if my lackluster response to their "revelation" left them scratching their heads. I get the sense they are expecting me to invite them over, or be swept off my feet by this. My response is something along the lines of, I'd like to continue getting to know you too, when can we meet/meet again?
    I think the flake factor is high.

    Have we so disconnected from each other that we cannot be genuine any more? Immediate gratification of any desire we have, has left us impatient and incapable of understanding each other and wanting to connect more deeply with another person?
    I think that's left me very skeptical as to what the intent of anyone I talk to really is, and if they really mean what they say.

    The guy I'm talking to now, travels for a living and doesn't always know where he'll be day to day. I have no idea what to expect when he's not in town, and messages have been sparse, but he told me his estimated time back and made plans to meet the following day. That's really all I needed. The messages that trickle in are great...he's working so I don't expect a constant connection.
    Yet, in the back of my mind, I'm wondering if he's gonna ghost out like others. I have a sense he won't do that, but...my gut has been wrong on this before.
    I also know that the nature of his job could keep him from arriving back as expected.

    This is the sort of jaded, in my mind, that makes me wonder if I will now be untrusting in a relationship. Wondering if any man genuinely wants to build something lasting and stable. And how has this changed my approach? I'm naturally pretty trusting, but I feel different now. I think once I am with that man that I have peace with, it'll fall into place, and I won't have issues.
    For others, like my friends, I really think some will struggle with that transition even more.

    Is it just us? Are other men and women having the same experiences?

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    • I must say, I enjoy getting to know a man and am never in a hurry. I think this is because I like an emotional connection, rather than a physical one. I do enjoy the company of men: they can be great conversationalists and very witty. Personality is important to me and I suppose that is why I get to know the man first. But I do see where you're coming from: it is nice and soul affirming to have him come onto you, and when he doesn't, you need to tell him you want more. There is only so much waiting a person can do. You yourself could come onto him and just show him what you want. He'll be so flattered and happy. This is the 21st century and women are allowed to make the first move!

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      • I decided against coming onto him. Just didn't seem to be the right thing in this case. I considered it, and thought of what I knew of him so far, and decided it was the wrong move.

        But I did talk to him about it. I asked if he was interested in a possible romantic relationship with me, or just friendship, as I'm accustomed to a man inviting himself into my bed by now. He said he wants a serious relationship, not based on the physical. He said he has a hard time putting the brakes on once he gets started, and he just wants to go slow and not make that the focus.
        I told him it's odd that he hadn't even kissed me though...he seemed to know that. I told him I completely agree and respect it, and I'll let him set the pace, follow his lead.

        Later that night, he surprised me with a sly peck on the lips...sort of sneaky. Lol
        My sense of humor got the best of me and I think I embarrassed him a little...but I had to lighten the mood. We laughed and that was that.

        I don't get to see him much. He travels a lot, but I thoroughly enjoy him when we are able to get together. Haven't had such an enjoyable time in I don't remember when, where a man is concerned. I think he is genuinely interested and I've developed a respect for him that I've not had for any man in a long time.
        Fingers crossed for this one.

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        • Best of lucky Kitty. Excited to hear how this goes!

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          • Originally posted by atskitty2 View Post
            I started talking to a man a couple weeks ago.
            it's only been about a month; the relationship is still young
            I think it's good he wants to get to know you and that he seems genuinely interested in you

            don't you think this is how a new relationship should actually be?




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            • Yes! I have absolutely no complaints. It's just so unusual, that I wanted to be sure we were interested in the same thing.

              He is a man of few words, so while we talk a good bit while together, it's not a lot of idle chatter, he says a lot with a little effort. I love that. I just didn't want to assume anything.

              I also have considered that he may just not be very affectionate at all, even less so than me. He makes no effort to hold my hand or even a friendly hug hello. No compliments, no "good to see you", no shoulder tap, or wink...nothing.

              At this rate, it may be months before we move to another step, and I would rather know now if his thoughts of me are only friendly. If it changes in that time, that's cool too.
              I asked a male friend...2 actually. They gave the typically horny man's answer..."not sure how he keeps his hands off you"..."he is gay if he's not trying to tap that, knowing you're interested"...etc...
              So that wasn't helpful.

              I'm not someone who likes to be all over someone, so it's not a deal breaker, but, I'm wondering if he can express himself physically in any way other than sexually.
              Way too early to know. Would it be a deal breaker? Not likely. I'm actually concerned about some health issues he has, and that being a motivator for keeping a distance. Again, too soon for him to share all that, but it has crossed my mind.

              I'm content with the pace, but I don't want to invest months with this only to find out these were warning signs. There's nothing so far that makes me wanna bail. I enjoy his company more than anyone in ages, and I can respect this pace and his needs. I prefer it too, I just didn't think it was possible.

              Comment


              • Originally posted by atskitty2 View Post
                Yes! I have absolutely no complaints. It's just so unusual, that I wanted to be sure we were interested in the same thing.

                He is a man of few words, so while we talk a good bit while together, it's not a lot of idle chatter, he says a lot with a little effort. I love that. I just didn't want to assume anything.

                I also have considered that he may just not be very affectionate at all, even less so than me. He makes no effort to hold my hand or even a friendly hug hello. No compliments, no "good to see you", no shoulder tap, or wink...nothing.

                At this rate, it may be months before we move to another step, and I would rather know now if his thoughts of me are only friendly. If it changes in that time, that's cool too.
                I asked a male friend...2 actually. They gave the typically horny man's answer..."not sure how he keeps his hands off you"..."he is gay if he's not trying to tap that, knowing you're interested"...etc...
                So that wasn't helpful.

                I'm not someone who likes to be all over someone, so it's not a deal breaker, but, I'm wondering if he can express himself physically in any way other than sexually.
                Way too early to know. Would it be a deal breaker? Not likely. I'm actually concerned about some health issues he has, and that being a motivator for keeping a distance. Again, too soon for him to share all that, but it has crossed my mind.

                I'm content with the pace, but I don't want to invest months with this only to find out these were warning signs. There's nothing so far that makes me wanna bail. I enjoy his company more than anyone in ages, and I can respect this pace and his needs. I prefer it too, I just didn't think it was possible.
                Maybe I missed that part earlier in the thread. But how old is? That plays a big part. If he's 30 its rather uncommon due to cultural and biological reasons. If he's 50, then its probably not as unusual both from a physiological standpoint as well as perhaps he's from a more old fashioned cultural era.

                Comment


                • Originally posted by atskitty2 View Post
                  He makes no effort to hold my hand or even a friendly hug hello. No compliments, no "good to see you", no shoulder tap, or wink...nothing.I'm wondering if he can express himself physically in any way.
                  or is he very religious, spiritual, or a deeply devoted church goer?



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                  • Adub, he's around my age...45. I don't remember exactly. I really don't think it's that, as I think he's had a lot of girlfriends and sex over the years. When I asked, he indicated subtly that past and how he wanted something different.
                    That did bring it to mind, about an STD, that may make him hesitate. His old lifestyle would probably make that a more plausible scenario, but for now, it wouldn't deter me just on theory. It's all speculation and I hate that I'm Even thinking about it! Lol it'll be what it's gonna be. It may be he's just genuinely interested in building a foundation before moving to the physical. It's kinda sad that I have a hard time believing that!

                    And I thought about religion, too, so I had asked about it on the third or 4th date. That's not it. Lol

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                    • as far as compliments.....don't remember anyone much giving me compliments or "flattering" me

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                      • Originally posted by atskitty2 View Post
                        third or 4th date.
                        you've already gone out more than I thought considering he travels a lot; he must really like you


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                        • Yeah, again, it's not alarming, just unusual. It's really nice not having that sort of forced, fake constant flattery. He's commented once, maybe twice...and I'm really ok with that. I'm not always complimentary either, so, it's fine.

                          We spent one evening already dressed down. I wore a ball cap even, little makeup... so, it's all good. I don't feel like I have to be always fixed up any more.

                          Comment


                          • Originally posted by atskitty2 View Post
                            I wore a ball cap even, little makeup... so, it's all good. I don't feel like I have to be always fixed up any more.
                            that's good you feel comfortable enough to be yourself




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                            • So, back to the actual topic of this post which wasn't supposed to be my specific love life.

                              Maybe it's not as evident to those that aren't dating. It just seems the same with the singles I'm friends with. Something good does happen, and we seem conditioned to question it. To believe it's only gonna end up going bad...as it has countless times before. That There **must** be some horrible underlying flaw.

                              I don't like thinking this way. I'm trying to stop it.

                              I already had to talk myself off the ledge once... thought he was ditching me. Turns out he ditched family plans to see me...but I had convinced myself, yep...here it is...this is when it all falls apart.

                              I think the guys and girls both do it. My male friends say they feel this way too.

                              Comment


                              • Originally posted by atskitty2 View Post
                                So, back to the actual topic of this post which wasn't supposed to be my specific love life.
                                Something good does happen, and we seem conditioned to question it. To believe it's only gonna end up going bad..
                                oops, I misunderstood, thought this was about your love life!

                                kitty, I think it's human nature.....if we think things in our life are going TOO well, it's only a matter of time before the shoes drops but life and people have ups and downs


                                Last edited by amy40; 03-23-2018, 11:13 AM.

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