[atskitty2]

Ashlee makes the important distinction between self-sabotaging a relationship, and just sabotaging yourself. Sometimes I think that sabotage begins before we ever get into a relationship. We begin by choosing people that we know are wrong for us, that we know we're not going to build a relationship with.

[Lucille]

In your circumstances, it was him who was engaging in "destructive behavior": being involved with you and messaging another woman (I'm assuming in a romantic/sexual way). Even if you had done something wrong, it still didn't justify his emotionally (if not physically) cheating on you.
Us women are often too quick to blame ourselves for a man's negative behavior: "If only I had done...", "If only I hadn't done..." Let's put blame where blame is due.

[Popcorn&Candy]

Well said, atskitty2.

[Wednesday L.F.]

This is absolutely a topic that should be reopened. Self-sabotage can happen at any stage in a relationship and can be very difficult to recognize while it's going on.

The urge to "challenge people" by doing things to push them away can be a self-fulfilling prophesy. I'm sure I've done it. I'm not sure if that's about impostor syndrome, low self-image, or something else. I just know that I eventually worked my way through it during years of therapy.

There must be a way to break a pattern of self-sabotage without years of psyche appointments, right?

[Zoë T.]

Self-sabotage is such a part of life and I also wonder why it happens and where it comes from. Self-sabotage (especially in a relationship) often happens at times when we're desperate for change and are unable to see our need or desire for change. The things we repress in our life and relationships always come back up in some form or another, and while self-sabotage is a painful manifestation of repressed desires or thoughts, but like all change, it leads to growth and more discovery about ourselves and the nature of human relationships.