[Searching_82]

Okay..this is going to sound awful, but please keep in mind that there are a lot of other issues going on as well.

So, I got married a couple of months back and it just doesn't feel right. It didn't feel right when we first got engaged (I felt sick..and like there was a heavy load on me...but I just thought it was butterflies and stress...like over-excitement) and then getting closer to the wedding I Just started to feel the heaviness get heavier. Like, something just wasn't right, something was pulling me back saying "no! don't do it!" I brought this up to my fiance at the time, numerous times, about postponing the wedding and each time he would almost guilt me back into it "well fine time to decide this! 3 months before! you just had your shower! now what!" etc. etc. so...me being the person who has been stripped of any self esteem/worth just caved and would say "okay fine..its just nerves I'm fine". A week before my wedding every morning I would wake up sick with nerves. Everyone told me "its just pre wedding jitters you'll be fine after your married everyone goes through this" so I brushed that off and thought that it was normal. Well..the wedding is over..and it has just gotten worse. At this point I just want to be on my own, I want to figure myself out. They say you can't love another until you first love yourself...well I don't love myself. You can't make another happy until you are first happy...well I'm def. not. I come home and its like walking on egg shells. The only time I don't feel anxious is when I stop and think about living on my own..not answering to anyone.being able to do my own thing and not being asked when I would be home, who I was with, etc.
We have had a discussion about this...about how I now think my feelings before the wedding were valid and not just pre wedding jitters. I am starting therapy shortly and I have already told him that if my therapist tells me that this relationship is a huge reason for my current depression that I have to do what is right for me and leave. I can't stand being unhappy anymore..and I think I am finally getting a little bit of self worth back and just realizing that ..I never really was truly happy in this relationship. I was never myself..I was who he wanted me to be and who I thought I had to be to keep him around. I hate that. Forgiving myself for not being true to myself is probably going to be one of the hardest things for me to do. It just seems like life is passing me by.
Does anyone have any advice to help me through this rough time? I just feel completely alone and like I have no one to turn to.

Thanks.

[anonymouswhitefemale]

I think you've answered your own question, there's no way in hel1 that you should be married. You are more important than anyone else in the world. Do what makes YOU happy!

[Searching_82]

I had to laugh at the way you put it "there's no way in hel1 that you should be married" lol well said. I just need to find the courage and strength to start new.

[CHANDLERS WISH]

It's okay, we all make mistakes and do things that we wonder why did we do that?

I know the "walking on egg shells" very, very well, I did it for ages and one days said, I've had enough and I walked - (now on clouds) lol. House is too big for one person though.

You can't remain in that relationship, each day it drags you down further, you, like me have strength so you have reached the cross roads, of "not" allowing someone to take all your self worth and esteme away from you, rather find ways to embrase it and get it all back.

You won't be able to do it alone, so feel that you can come here and just talk.

You will change like the wind once away from that situation.. Probably shake and cry the moment you do it, but feel free at the same time " this is my life", that is how you will feel.

Don't be frightened of commitment or marriage, just realise that the relationship you were in was one where you were not able to be yourself.

You should always be yourself 100%, and not be causious at all you say and do, or else an arguement will errupt, or where have you been, your not a child, your an adult and relationships are built on trust, ..

Find a way to get away if you can now, speak to family and just tell it how it is. I thought that mine would say, give it a go, (7) years, but they said, for the past 4 years we can see your never happy, your not your old self, we're glad that you are doing this..

You'll be suprised how quickly you can go back to being 100% you, because you already have the fighting spirit, the fire in the belly and the independance to be you.

CW

[mollygirl]

PLEASE listen to your inner self !!!!

Hi Searching - When I started reading your story, I couldn't believe it, I thought I must have written it myself because you described exactly how I felt when I was married - that was 28 years ago. Yes, I stayed married until last year, I was waiting for our second daughter's 18th birthday. PLEASE LISTEN TO YOUR INNER SELF. I ended up in the hospital 3 months before my wedding, I lost 20 pounds (which I didn't need to lose, not even a pound) and became so ill because I knew what I was doing didn't feel right but I didn't understand why. I tried to tell my husband that I didn't love him and I felt terrible but I think it was all a big mistake. Every time I tried to talk to him about it, he didn't agree. I cried on my first wedding anniversary because I was so unhappy (and was so sad on every single one thereafter) ... huh? Well it happens. I lived on eggshells for 28 years because he was so controlling.

My reason, looking back, is so incredibly , I felt it was too late to back out of the wedding, I think I only agreed to marry him because I was in love with the idea of being in love ... but I wasn't in love with the man. He seemed really nice, we had lots of friends, went out a lot, he was a professional man but after dating for two years I still didn't feel like I REALLY knew him, and believe me, I didn't. I paid dearly for not listening to my inner self. I lived 28 lonely years and had plenty of time to think and understand why it all happend (a couple of marriage counsellers helped too!). I could go on for hours but I think I've said enough. If I can save you a lifetime of loneliness, or even a few years or months, then I would be happy to have helped.

I'm starting my life over again at 52 - ancient I know, but I've never been happier. My husband (now ex!) ended up being a very controlling person (I didn't even know what that was when I married him, I've learned so much). I tried many times to leave him, he would not hear of it, I was not only scared of him but each year it became more frightening to have to do it alone and especially with my girls, so in the end I stayed way too long. Our two daughters, now 26 and 18, told me last year that if I didn't leave and find some happiness that they would never speak to me again plus an old friend came back into my life on email and also encouraged me and gave me strength! They gave me the courage to do it, my girls have helped me every step of the way through this (and I'm considered a strong person). Of course, I am so lucky really because my two daughters are the reason I do not totally regret my life. When I left, my husband made sure I left with nothing, he'd always told me if you leave, I'll make sure you regret it. He's still very, very angry and I went ahead with the divorce because all I really wanted was my freedom and peace. He knew I would leave him some day and he planned well for it.

But my point to you is, I knew before I even got pregnant the marriage wasn't right, I thought a baby would help and make our marriage better ... I couldn't have been more wrong. The most educating part is, I stayed in the marriage for my daughters' sake, I didn't want them to come from a broken home (as I did) I wanted them to have mom and dad at home. Now they're grown, we talk a lot about it because I DO NOT want them to make the same mistake and guess what ... for as long as my girls can remember, they felt the tension in our home and soon understood it wasn't a happy marriage. They wished I had talked to them about it when they were younger because they said they would have much preferred to live with one really happy parent, than two people who were pretending to be happy. I've learned so much. I apologize if this went on too long or doesn't make sense. Good Luck and ALWAYS try to put your own needs first because no one else will.

[rcoreyus]

If you are not happy, he will not be happy. You really are not doing him a favor by staying with him. Let him know how you feel, let him know its your fault, and get a divorce. They you can each go on to live happy lives with someone else.

If you do stay with him you will just make yourself miserable.

Years ago I gave the opposite advice to a friend of mine. She stayed with the man she had married, but (I think), didn't really love. I deeply regret giving her that advice and wish I could roll back the clock.

[Joy]

Rcoreyus Never regret what advice you have given. We all have to make our own choices and be accountable for them. If someone isn't making choices then they are living by default. If people are making choices based only on what others think they should do then they are living passively. In the end we have to make the choice that we are comfortable living with. We can't come back and blame others for bad advice. Misleading information yes

[rcoreyus]

I don't want to hijack the thread, but just a quick comment. This person was someone who respected me and trusted my advice. Someone I cared for - maybe too much - more than anyone else other then my wife. If I hadn't already been married, I might have married her.

You are of course right - people are responsible for their own actions, and as long as advice is given in good faith the adviser is blameless. But guilt and blame aren't always the same thing.

Joy
Rcoreyus Never regret what advice you have given. We all have to make our own choices and be accountable for them. If someone isn't making choices then they are living by default. If people are making choices based only on what others think they should do then they are living passively. In the end we have to make the choice that we are comfortable living with. We can't come back and blame others for bad advice. Misleading information yes

[CHANDLERS WISH]

mollygirl, thank you for sharing such an in-sightful story of your life, it takes guts to do that and i hope you come back and write more and help others. I am 45, so 52 is not old, lol, don't ever think that you are.

Searching how are you thinking now?

Rcoreyus, your heart was in there, at the time you made your comments, and Joy is right, people will make their own decisions at the end of the day regardless of what advice we give and you know as well as i do, that we are givers.

Never feel guilty and possibly she felt the same, as to why she chose the path she chose...

Fate is a strange thing, we cross paths sometimes, and nothing we can do about it.

CW

[Searching_82]

How am I thinking? I'm very confused. I think about divorce and the only thing that bugs me is hurting my husband. I know he loves me...but I just don't feel like we have the romantic love anymore..thats been gone for years. I think he is in love with being in love with me...honestly. But again, that just goes back to me being someone who doesn't live for me...I am thinking of someone else's happiness and not my own.

I have become quite independant over the past few months..and instead of embracing that and ecouraging me to do the things I want to do, I get discouraged. Its just not right...I said it time and time again..this whole thing just is not right and it is so hard to pin point a specific reason!

I appreciate the insight from everyone, and the stories. They do help. I think my problem now is finding the courage and strength to stand up for ME, to start a life for ME, and to worry about ME. Once I do that..things should fall into place...atleast I hope so