[CHANDLERS WISH]

Oh sweet...

You have already beaten the odds, you are one month past what someone said you could be.

Postive thinking is longjevity.

I want to thank you so much for sharing this with us here.

Off course your wife feels no, not again, pain, abandonment, she is hurting..

I recall the times you said, that your sex was wicked it was great, you went out and all...

Your not doing anything wrong, she is not trying to hurt you at all, she is hurting at the thought of losing you.

She will say things that she will later regret she can't handle losing someone else she loves.

I think you are trying to capture the sex, but really it is love, deep, emotional that you want and need, but she is not coping.

DON'T believe for one minute that she means anything she says, or that she does not love you she does.

She is fighting her feelings, fear and doesn't want to feel the pain. People all work differently with pain.

Don't cry, stay positive, stay with us, give your love, and you know what, you live life like you've never lived it before, i have seen people live 10 years after what they are told due to positive thinking.

Dismiss what happened. Dismiss it...

And, don't try to give your wife what you feel she has missed for along time, rather, give to each other what you both need, cuddles, love and warmth... Sex is not what you both need at the moment does that make sense?

You have nothing to feel that you haven't given her, you gave it to her, when you met... before your injuries.

What she needs and what you need is emotional bonding, not sexual bonding, give each other love.

CW

[Guest]

well it sounds like you two do love each other, but there has been a void in real communications. sometimes we keep thoughts and feelings to ourselves, thinking we are shielding our loved ones from those problems. All it does in reality is to make things worse...

She obviously has things bothering her for years that she hasn't been able to share with you for some reason. Or maybe she's shared them but hasnt quite been able to get past them yet. I agree she's probably scared of what the future holds for you, her and the family.

It should be real easy to look into the eyes of someone you love and tell them everything that is going on in your mind. Unfortunately, it isnt always easier.

What you 2 need to do is to find a way to open up communications in whatever forms you can. face to face, email, texting, IM, voice mails. whatever helps to bring the walls down. One person I know was out and out told by a marriage counselor to start it by email, and take the time to write something meaningful. at least it was a start for them.

none of us have a lot of time here, and we all seem to be happy with keeping things inside and never letting others know exactly what we think and how we feel. I'm not sure there's anything that's much sadder than that.

talk !

[tropicalgrl1]

This whole thing is tougher on both of you than you think. You both need to be in a support group or counseling or both. It isn't just the physical toll, it's the emotional strain - it's huge and it can last a long time...... You went through the illness and facing the possibilty/probablity of your death. So did she. She had face watching all you went through and the likelihood of being left alone. Rationally none of it was your choice but emotionally it's abandonment.....

......What the two of you are dealing with is huge, you need all the support and help you can get. If you contact the hospital or the drs office or your insurance they can refer you to trained, caring individuals who can help. If you are part of a religious community they probably have a caring circle or some sort of support system too, plug into everything you can. Some will be more helpful than others but there is probably something to be gained from each.

The posters above and Wild Child especially gave you some wonderful advice. I honestly couldn’t give you any better advice other than to stress you seriously consider group or individual therapy for both you and your wife. Fear is a huge element of anger and feeling fear and uncertainty bubbles to the surface in the form of a myriad of emotions such as depression, anger, sadness, and even resentment. These are all legitimate feelings that deserve to be listened to. Talking to a trained professional could be a tremendous help to you both in addressing your very legitimate feelings and to provide you with helpful information and tools to help you through this particularly difficult time in your life. What you both need more than anything is love and support from people who care about you.

Chin up, there are always more people in your life willing to help you, than you may be aware of, and sometimes all it takes is for you to ask them.

[Guest]

Thanks -

First of all I want to thank those who replied on the thread, there's good advise in everyone's. Something I learned awhile back you can actually get the same advise from several sources yet because they each 1 have a different angle or a different approach, that helps me.

I told N01. I actually felt embarrassed after sending out a thread like that because I'm showing my true feelings to people I don't even know personally. I do tho feel connected to y'all, in a strange kind of way. I've never been on any kind of forum even as a Computer and Sound Technician.

I guess it feels that way because as a man I'm admitting a weak moment and believe me it was a weak moment, probably one of the weakness I've ever had over this whole situation. I normally don't get like that but as someone else said It's kind of a pressure cooker type thing.

I don't feel at all like I did last night. I actually feel like there's hope again. I think as I look at last night, I liken to a person that gets choke on something and they need mouth to mouth resuscitation, the Heimlich Maneuver. All of you, basically reminded me what I already knew. Please don't let that make you feel you wasted your time, you didn't.

The thing everyone seem to hit on was counsel and I guess I never mentioned it but we have both sought very good counsel down thru the yrs. from time to time. I myself had counsel this past week and again tonight.

Heres the main problem right now The ball is in her court, we don't try and make each 1 go to counsel they have to make the move as they see fit that way the counsel is taken better and it does work, I've seen.

Now certainly you could talk to the companion about the issue to maybe stir up the mind to think about getting counsel. I'm not talking about manipulating neither.

Today I had a long talk with her after reading y'all s' advise and getting my head on straight.

Believe it or not she does not see it as a problem, she feels she just got to excited, and why do we even have to talk about it. Why can't we just leave it alone. She says she's not bitter at me and the only stuff that she lumps me in with all the other is just the so called "little" things that has hurt her at time but that are not big enough to make and issue out of -

Sooo, you can see she is on an emotional roller coaster also.

Basically I know it's time to back off and give her room to breath. It upsets her even more if it's made out of something more than what it is in her mine. If you get my drift.

I've got my counsel, I've talked to her, the balls in her court.
Best thing for me to do is take care of myself for the both of us.

I'm trying to look up and beat this desease. By the way WildChild you asked what it might be. I've got Cirrhosis of the Liver and what about killed me was Hyper-Portal Tension. It's pretty mean stuff.

Where do I go from here. You Ladies and Men will probably think I'm skitzso but I'm going back to playing games in the lounge and working on my garage and my sound studio like I have -

In a way I can't explain, I love you guys, I appreciate you being there for me last night and today. Please don't go anywhere. Professional and spiritual counsel is great but this has a special place for me. Also, sometimes you can't get counsel at midnight.

I hope those that read this and those I've given advise to hasn't discourage them just because I'm having issues also. The reason most of us can give good friendly advise to some people is we've all been around the block a view times.

Thanks WildChid, you've sure been thru it and I can appreciate the trial of life you've been thru.

Thanks CW, your a sweet woman. thanks N01. you are right it's suffered because of lack of communication, and we were working on that today, but it's a 2 way street.
A very special thanks to "Sorridlives" who I PM'd last night and she hung in there for me, you were wonderful, thanks for the cyber hugs:

Crzyredhead you too, also, "Acerousme" Tropical, thanks for your sacrifice of your time. I might have missed someone, I didn't mean to!

I'm looking by faith for things to get better Everyone have a wonderful day!

Ohhh! I almost forgot Hey "JDUB" Here's a good thread for Your thread on Advise huh?

[SorridLives]

First of all I want to thank those who replied on the thread, there's good advise in everyone's. Something I learned awhile back you can actually get the same advise from several sources yet because they each 1 have a different angle or a different approach, that helps me.

I told N01. I actually felt embarrassed after sending out a thread like that because I'm showing my true feelings to people I don't even know personally. I do tho feel connected to y'all, in a strange kind of way. I've never been on any kind of forum even as a Computer and Sound Technician.

I guess it feels that way because as a man I'm admitting a weak moment and believe me it was a weak moment, probably one of the weakness I've ever had over this whole situation. I normally don't get like that but as someone else said It's kind of a pressure cooker type thing.

I don't feel at all like I did last night. I actually feel like there's hope again. I think as I look at last night, I liken to a person that gets choke on something and they need mouth to mouth resuscitation, the Heimlich Maneuver. All of you, basically reminded me what I already knew. Please don't let that make you feel you wasted your time, you didn't..........

I am sooooo happy that you are hopeful and feeling better!

If your wife thinks it is sort of "nothing" and a bad day or not a big deal, I guess she is on a emotional roller coaster. I guess you will have good days and bad days. We are here for you! Hang in there!
Sending more cyberhugs! You are welcome!

[Joy]

In Need you feel better today because you expressed your weakest feelings. YOu put them out here into the light so they had no real power over you anymore. When ever you feel that way write........ write it all out cause those types of feelings will only slow your physical healing if you hold them in.

If you have time today watch Randy Pausch on you tube. He had a terminal illness but he left a great message for his family and everyone on this planet on how to live life during difficult times.

I hope you have an amazing day xo

[Fallen1]

In Need, I will be thinking about you and hoping that things get much better for you.

[Guest]

What's Next...........

It should be real easy to look into the eyes of someone you love and tell them everything that is going on in your mind. Unfortunately, it isnt always easier.

What you 2 need to do is to find a way to open up communications in whatever forms you can. face to face, email, texting, IM, voice mails. whatever helps to bring the walls down. One person I know was out and out told by a marriage counselor to start it by email, and take the time to write something meaningful. at least it was a start for them.

There has been a lot going on since i posted last so lets see if I can get you updated

N01, really your post was simple in 1 way but so difficult to do. I'm more open than her so as I had been meditating on you statement. I says to myself, self, this is your wife for 22yrs, just go tell her that you need to talk and talk now.

If you remember from my last post I said the ball was in her court, i would wait on her. I could not any longer.

So 1 day last week I told her i needed to talk, ok she said - We actually set in front of the fire on the floor - I said listen, I don't care what you said about not being bitter, you are bitter, at what ever I don't know. You are going to have to come to terms with it in your mind and with me before we go any further. I told her the longer she went not coming to terms with it the more my mind would drift in different directions, my eyes would roam where you may not want them to.

I told her that I was going out by myself somewhere that night, (at the time I had no clue where). So there still seemed to be that numbness about her, without much emotion.

I told her she better really search deep within before this thing blows apart.

That was it, short and sweet, hardly no feedback from her at all and I went out to a dance club.

You talk about a fish out the water. I had a couple of drinks, which I should not be drinking, but I was extremely depressed and I was trying to have fun and get this thing off my mind.

I danced with a couple of cute girls and some not so cute(ugh). Yea, I know, I'm no Don Juan

It felt so strange, I mean you are talking about a guy that has not had a drink since "83" and had not been on the dance flr longer. the dancing was like getting back on a bicycle. I had fun but it was tough trying to have fun. I don't know anybody anymore in the club crowd. I've been raising a family for the past 22yrs.

She never really said anything to me except on Sun. I noticed some stuff was moved around on my studio desk and my wallet. She had come in to tell me she was leaving for a bit somewhere so I asked her. You been messing around with stuff in here. I watched her closely, she said no, why?
Things look like they've been move around. You've been in my wallet haven't you? Well, yes I have. I said don't be in my wallet(there was nothing in my wallet that would incriminate me)
I said, don't be in there you might find something you'll be sorry for and she said well if there is maybe i should be. I said ok.

I guess that's was kinda rough but I'm getting pretty fed up about the whole thing.

So, the last few days after talking to someone who I lean on quite a bit, I'm thinking of walking.
I mean walk, It's driving me nuts.

My heart is feeling like, cold, indifferent, washed out.

I've caused myself to get sick, I've posted somewhere some about it. I lose track. Until I go back and read something because the way things have benn, my health and all I can't hardly remember my name, I'm serious. I mean I know my name of course but particulars and such, the days run together here. You maynot understand that.

So here I am, lost in my own house, wondering around aimlessly while she's at work.

Monday, I seen a lawyer about going back to work as a trial period and still holding onto my benefits. It was a very good meeting. I've also been taking college courses online so get my comptia and Microsoft certifications.

I mean, obviously I would have to get back to work before leaving. I have no place to go. I would not want to stay with anyone.


that night, the next day was aweful, some of you know, you were there for me

you both need to SIT DOWN together, and sort out your priorities,
but I promise, it will get better!!!

I'm doing what I can only do for now, without going stir crazy in my own house

Still waiting on her response, some form or fashion, We'll see. I talked to her straight up about how I'm feeling.

[Guest]

I forgot to say, she' had counsel twice in the last few days

[WildChild]

By having counsel do you mean she's been to a counselor? That's good but you should be going too. Usually they want to meet with each of you separately to see where you are, what you are trying to achieve, then meet with the two of you to see how you interact. Then they decide if you should be working separately for a while or together or some of both.

Your posts have gotten me thinking about this a lot lately, looking at what happened to my relationship with his illnesses. Of course every situation is different. But in my case I became a care provider, changing IVs, making sure he took his meds. I was the one who pointed out some things to the doc that turned out to be deep vein thombrosis, I was the one who made him get in and it he ended up in ER with a strangulated hernia that would have gone septic overnight. Over and over I essentially forced him to care for himself and saved his life on at least 3 occasions (was also the one who made the appointment and demanded he get in - turned out he had a grapefruit sized tumor and was in getting biopsied and starting chemo the next week).

Going into caregiver mode for someone you love, requires a level of emotional detatchment, or you can't be effective. You cannot keep them 'up' and keep your own head clear enough to remember the meds, the appointments, paying the bills, handling the paperwork, trying to find food to entice them to eat, and keeping up with all the regular business of your household and life - if you allow yourself to be scared, weepy, and emotional about it all. You can't do it. You have to detatch. Maybe some people can do it but for myself I can detatch from a person's situation but not just from parts of it. In other words I couldn't clean up his vomit, do his IVs, be his crutch to get up and down the stairs or around the house, watch him sitting at the dinner table squeezing pus from a surgical wound (yeah - he's a bit crass) and then rustle up any desire to put my tongue on any part of his body. Of course he had no interest and hadn't for a few years anyway. But when he started getting hormone shots and got interested, I wasn't and there was no reviving it - but there was a world of other stuff with it. He'd done some pretty unkind things.

The point is that you both experienced your illness but from completely different places and it sounds like you are not on the same page yet. Essentially you are both still healing. You are trying to reach out but she isn't ready to respond on your time table.

Let me tell you another story - extreme example but this really happened and in a very exaggerated way makes my point. Years of unemployment, sprinkled with illness and a surgery, hubbie hasn't initiated sex or touched me without being requested to for years, then testicular cancer, more surgeries, all sorts of doctors and drama, then back to work cancer free, complaining constantly, hormone rollercoaster - imagine a 'premenopausal' man and you've about got that picture. No sex for several years, no intimacy, no hugs or kisses scarcely a kind word and one day the man walks up to me naked (were talkin over 300 lbs here) points to an erection and says, "look! do something with it quick before I lose it"

I was about ready to lose it. He was closer to 'losing' it than he had been on the surgeon's table. So then I was the unfeeling b*tch who rejected him sexually.

Now I know from your posts you aren't there, but the point is you and your wife are in different places right now. She needs time to reconnect with her feelings and deal with them because I'll bet she disconnected to help you through all of this and to keep herself going when she had to. The two of you have different needs right now and they are both equally valid and important. Get into counseling! You may have to court her all over again. By all means get out go places, do things, expand your horizons but playing games with walking out, giving ultimatims and trying to make her jealous is probably a really bad idea. Take some time to reassure her that you just went out for a drink and that was it. Tell her that you would rather be with Her. That she is concerned enough to be trying to find out what you did says she cares. Don't kill it by being a resentful hard*ss about it.

A counselor will help you define what you each want and need and understand what it will take to get there. You aren't going to have the same relationship you did, if you are willing to give it what it takes you could have something deeper and stronger. I know people who've done it. They've been through the fire and come out stronger and happier but not the same. You've been through a life changing experience. Neither of you is exactly who you were before, nor is your relationship. You've got choices; help it fall apart, do the work and rebuild, move on and start over, in which case you'll be doing the work with someone else. So who would you rather build a romance with? Your wife who has been by your side through all this? OR?