[Guest]

NLB,
i am going to blunt, nice or not just blunt.
i wrote a thread about cheating and no matter what the circumstances i do not believe in cheaters. they are low, thought-less pieces of (insert).
i have no feelings for those who cheat. piriod.
in my mind/eyes there is no reason to cheat and hurt the one you say you love. if you love that person you do not get in a spot to where anything can happen. you leave that and get out of that situation.
i heard of people getting drunk and blacking out............ that is a lame excuse. i know someone who uses that so she doesnt have to justify her doings.
its as bad as calling into work and saying your mother died, and then calling in a few months later and saying your mother died......... how many mothers died, huh?
its an excuse for stupidity, period!
people cheat because they want to. not that something led to another....... thats another excuse, which is total bull!!!!!!!

bottom line is............. if you love someone, nothing and noone will get in your way and make you stray. NOTHING!

now for you, i do feel your pain, as i have been cheated on myself, as many of had. this is your decision and your alone to forgive and let it stay in the past. only you can be the one person who will allow him back in your life and make things work, only you.
only you can be mature enough to make the decisions that is going to make you happy, your child happy. only you can decide this judgement on what happened. only you can continue or not with this relationship. all i ask of you is to think hard and take your time to have the outcome that is in you. do not make haste and fast judgement, do not fly off the bat, but sit back and really think everything over.
your pain is the effect of love. you will heal in time and no time can be measured. each of us takes different amounts of time for all sitsuations. none of us are alike.
i wish you the best in your decission.
if ever needed----you have my shoulder to lean on, you have my ear to talk too, and you have a new friend in general.

[annasthasia]

I feel for you...

I have read this thread over and over and over again and these words written by the op resonates with me so so deeply....

For about 5 years now, my husband has been gradually withdrawing from me and escaping into the tv, computer, video games, friends, sports, drinking, trips w/o me, etc. Escape is a key theme here. We literally on a regular basis can go an entire night physically in the same room, but not talking to each other, simply moving around each other. It feels like that's what our relationship has turned into- 2 people physically living in the same house, but living separately. there is so much distance between us. He has also stopped touching me, hugging me, holding hands, holding me at night, etc. unless he specifically wants sex.

Additionally, for about the past 4 years, he's been in really stressful work situations, which has caused him to have a great deal of anxiety. It has also lead to a great deal of anger/rage, which a lot of times gets taken out on me, the dogs, inanimate objects in the house, etc. He's not physically abusive or anything like that, but seriously, for the past year or so, has treated me on and off like I annoy the heck out of him, like he's just tolerating me, and like deep down he doesn't like or at times even hates me.

Now... I was married to a husband like that... In my case, I did everything to try and make it work... It did not...

Ask yourself this simple question...

Does a man that is supposed to LOVE a woman treat her like the he has treated you over the past few years?

I am not trying to frighten you but in my case the violence escalated and he manipulated me into making me believe that I DESERVED to be slapped around because whatever happened was my fault...

I ended up being his punching bag... It took years... It started by breaking things, verbally assaulting me and all kinds of "looks" that told me to back off... I learned not to move when I am sleeping... etc etc etc...

He even made me believe I was a nut case just like his mother... She spent the better part of ten years in a mental institution... Anyway... I did go see a doctor and was medicated which sucked out all the colours in my being and in my life. My whole world had become one shade of grey.

One day, I do believe it was my guardian angel... in a way... I got up, flushed the pills down the toilet and decided I would take my life back and live up to consequences of my desisions... It did not matter what anyone else thought of me... I was going to march to the beat of my path... I was going to follow my road and let the chips fall where they may. I will stop here because I do not want to annoy you with my life but I will state this, with each step I became stronger and stronger and the day I decided I would not allow myself to feel fear oddly enough, I then saw behind his intimidation tactics... He was taken off guard because they no longer worked. With each day, I became stronger inside and allowed myself to heal and become the person I was meant to be.

Then one day I had enough and planed my exit... See, he had such little respect for me that he thought I would never leave because I had no back bone and a loser to his eyes...

It turns out, I was making more money than him, more successful and more popular than he could ever dream of... anyway... It took me years to realize this. He felt inferior to me all this time and he way to cope was to bully me into submission...

------------------------------------------------------------

I am now divorced and if this is any consolation... There is a rainbow at the end of the tunel...

I have learned one big lesson in all this...

I have learned that I prefer to be alone and allow myself to feel lonely than to be with someone that supposedly loves you and feel the deep endless black hole of loneliness."

I have felt both... It is better to be alone and sometimes feel lonely by a long shot. The loneliness is just a passing mood, not a permanent problem.

Hope you understand and I hope it is not too late... You do not have to answer on a public forum but if he has verbally and physically scared you in any way... It is only a matter of time before you get beaten. Bullies love to make you feel fear and feed off it...

Do take heed...

I sooooo want to be wrong....

Plan your exit... Seek information about this... Learn about the battered wife syndrome...

I hope I am wrong...------------ At least someone tried to tell you about that.

Bye for now...

[sassie]

NLB, The one thing I have learned out of all of this is to hold your head up high and be true to yourself and no that you didn't cause this your not at fault. Life has it's ups and downs and right now this is one of the downs, think long and hard about the little things in life that make you happy and use those things to get you through each and every day. Not every man that cheats is sorry but some I feel really are and remember people make mistakes and only the ones whom you love can you forgive and move on.

Keep Going even on the bad days

[NLB]

I'm having a really bad day. On days like today I just want to get in the car and drive far, far away from here and this situation. I wish I just could pick up and leave and start over. Sometimes it seems like just starting over with an entirely new situation would be so much easier than fixing this one. But I know in my heart that that's not the right thing to do. (I do love my husband and he loves me and is really trying hard to make things right, and contrary to some of the interpretations of one of my previous emails, I don't see him/us on a path towards abuse. Lack of communication and withdrawal at times, maybe, but not abuse.) It's just really hard to accept that things aren't going to change over night and to accept the set backs. We fall back into old patterns of communication (or lack thereof) from time to time and all I can think is "Oh God, here we go again"... I wish I could just wake up and have this not have happened. I'm so angry at him at him tonight...

Right after he told me about cheating on me he was so vigilant about being here for me and communicating and being expressive and caring and loving. I had this huge fear that as soon as he realized I wasn't going anywhere, he'd fall back into old patterns. And tonight it feels like that's exactly what's happening. When he gets grumpy or upset about something he completely withdrawals. I know he is upset, but only sometimes can get out of him why. Right now I feel like he's trying to make me pay for a situation that he's angry about by ignoring me. I've been dealing with him turning on/off his feelings for years now and I'm sick of having him withold them simply b/c he's upset about something. He's a grown man, for God's sake; he needs to learn to manage his emotions. I'm sick of having to be on the receiving end ... And given what he's done, he's in no position to act this way...

[WildChild]

Withdrawl is a very male way of dealing with life's stresses. They pretty much have to do it sometimes to stay sane. Just like we women need to talk, they need to withdraw for a while. When he does this, try asking him to let you know when he is up to talking, you need 5 mins (or what ever) then when he is ready, tell him that it's difficult for you when he withdraws and you need him to reassure you that everything is OK, that he just needs some time to himself. Let him know that this will make it easier for you to be happy when he ready to reconnect. I bet he'll be relieved that you understand his need and it will be easier for you.

Think of it as going into his cave.

[sassie]

NLB,

I can fully understand how you are feeling. My husband and I got into a fight last Saturday just before we went out with the kids and I tell you it felt like the way things used to be like nothing changed. My husband is the same like yours he is to himself and doesn't want to talk just walk away and have time to himself so this time I actually let him and I tell you it made me mad as can be but I used my anger toward doing the opposite of what I have done in the past to see if it would make a difference and it actually did. I always tell my kids that if you don't have anything nice to say then you should say nothing at all and taking my own advice worked for once. I am not saying it is easy as it is sooo hard but making changes in your relationship means that you both have to change your old ways even though their actions are what have lead to starting the changes by making changes together it shows that you both want to make the effort to try and make it work, but remember it takes two of you to mess things up and two of you to make things right. I think the thing with us women who have been hurt we feel that we didn't do anything wrong they did so why do we have to change right not really as some of our actions of the past may have lead them down the road to their mistake not that we will ever admit it to anyone, HAHA!! We are women give me a break we are never wrong we are always right correct me if I am wrong, LOL!! Listen I know how bad it hurts when you fight as when I walked away from my husband during our fight I said to myself so here it goes again why doesn't he just go and sleep with her again now that I made him mad but in my heart I knew that one fight isn't what lead him to hurt me to begin with.

The healing for the hurt is a long process but if you really want it then the best thing to do is do your best to fix the little things you think you go do better then at least this way you know your doing your part to try. If things don't work out and he doesn't make the same effort as you, you can look back and say you gave it all you've got. I too wish it would go away as sometimes I feel like it happened yesterday and the hurt is fresh in my mind and other days that are going really well it's almost like it didn't happen so just take one day at a time so will be harder then others.

Remember women learn how to fix things faster then men not to be mean to any man but we know what we want to heal the pain they have caused and they don't. Give it time it's been 4 months for my husband and I now and I am still dealing with each day like you and it seems as though we are starting to have more good days then bad so there is hope. Keep making the effort maybe he will open up when you least expect it.

Take care and Try to Smile it really does make you feel better