[Purple&Black]

Okay, I have always been pretty sure of what I wanted, I'm just a very shy and quiet perso and don't speak up for myself.

I "fell in lust" with this guy, and I was about 14/15 or so. I started going out with him but I DIDN'T want htings like hugs and kisse... I just wanted a fun relationship - going to the cinema, you know... stuff like that.

But then I was rushed into this "romantic" relationship only a few months into it. I have a bad sleeping patter and used to sleep during the day over the summer holidays. My boyfriend would come onto MSN thinking I didn't go onto MSN (which would include not even talking to my friends...) because of him.
So, he's quite paranoid.
When he suspected my best friend (who happens to be male... I don't really grt on with girls, I guess I'm a bit of a tomboy) of having a crush on me, he would be really controlling. He started by not letting me be with my best friend unless he was there. This was stressful for me, as neither of them liked each other.

Then I was rushed into the whole kiss thing... I know it may not be much but it was still a big thing for me as it was my first relationship. I didn't really want to be kissing that far into the relationship...

After a while, he said he loved me. I was a little shoked once again so I didn't say anything. He didn't like that, ad wondered why I didn't... when I knew I couldn't be in love - especially when I didn't even know what love was!

I told him I wanted to wait until marriage before I had sex. This was because at the time, I thoguht I was too young to be having sex. I thought I didn't want to do things I might later regret.

A month or so after that... he started taking his trousers off in front of me, which made me feel incredbly awkward - and he could tell that was how I felt because he said he felt reassured by it... (a 'size' thing...)

A few days later, he took my clothes off... and I didn't feel comfortable with it but as it was a shock... I suppose I didn't quite know how to go about the situation?
Anyway, he became VERY contrlling over my life. I spent less and less time with my family, and I had lost contact with my friends... and then I got pregnant...

Since then, I decided I could not stand to be in a relationship with him (his behaviour got worse and worse, I have started being scared of him as he gets angry and says he'd kill people...) and he's really nasty about my family then when I tell him later he changes his mind and says people say things like that when they're angry...

My family are moving, and I am going with them. I haven't told them I have 'dumped' him, because he wants to see his daughter (my family will only let him come if he's going out with me still, because they want me to be happy they'll put up with him being there for me... so I haven't told them we're not with each other anymore...)

But I'm wondering if this is even the right thing to do? I an't stand to be with him, yet he claims to care about me and his daughter.
Yet, when he was living with me, he would shout at her when she was crying.
Also, I got really bad stitches from the birth, so I couldn't keep the room ridy (I couldn't get out of bed, and had to have a bath everytime I went to the toilet...)
But for some reason, he wouldn't keep it tidy. It got so disgusting in that room... you wouldn't believe - I think I would've had my daughter taken off of me if social workers etc had known, but when I asked him to tidy the room (I was getting ashtmatic and so was my baby) he would have a go at me telling me I was selfish... and this was a few days/weeks after giving birth...

I also felt pressured into 'recovering' for him, as he kept moaning about how he wanted sex. I told him I was still in pain but he didnt seem to care. So I did in the end, when I thought it might be okay. But it did hurt...
And when he comes to see her now, he'd hold her for 5 minutes or so, get bored and put her down... (he'd hold her because I tell him he should if he missed her that much...)

I just don't think he should live with me... but I'm afraid his family will try to take my daughter away from me...
They were rather inconsiderate as well. I hardly know them and they came to see me in hospital... I know they may have been excited but I said I only wanted MY family there. (and my ex's sister held my baby and almost dropped her...)
They came to my house to see my baby, and kept asking me to go round theirs, when I could hardly move, and they would moan that I was being selfish etc.

I really want to move on... I feel dirty and disgusting. I just don't understand why I would abuse my body like this... I love my daughter so much though... but I am way too young to have a baby. I've spent most of my teenage years stressing about keeping this guy happy... I recently thought 'what about me!?' but... I still feel like I can't upset him... but I also don't want him to be an influence of my child.


Oh, and he keeps going on about how he still loves me, and I've broken his heart...

When I was with him, I wasn't going to be moving with my family. I missed them and got depressed. He had a go at me for missing them. I don't think that's love, and he's making out he's the only one having a rough time.


Im sorry this was very long and probably hard to read...
I'd appreciate any kind of understanding... because I don't have many people I can talk about this to... (my family will only let him come if he's going out with me still... so I haven't told them we're not anymore...)

I'm a little worked up right now... and tired. Just tell me if there's something you don't understand... I'll try to re-word it.

[CHANDLERS WISH]

Purple and Black.

Firstly welcome to the Forum, secondly I am going to send this and then write further, because I want you to know that someone is here now, to hear you ok.

I also want to know why you chose that name... I am hoping you are not going to add because he hits me.

But, know that you are in the right place and that people are here for you ok...

As, I said, sending this first and then I will reply to you ok...

I will also be here as long as you need to talk to.


CW

[Purple&Black]

Thanks, no the name - those are just my favourite colours, I couldn't think of a name.

I don't think he would hit me... though I have come to know him les and less... He does seem to have mental problems - I think he got it from his dad. His family are all agressive, and his dad was violent to his children and wife.

I don't know if this could be the cause?
They are also very arrogant people.

I feel sorry for him though... which makes it that much harder... but I still feel like he hasn't grown up yet. He loves the baby because she has his genetics... when it shouldn't be about that, should it?

But I think I've gotten a little depresed. I love my baby and I don't know what will become of my life - I was going to go to university and was in college when I got pregnant... so I didn't getto finish my studies.

[Purple&Black]

Oh, I was also meant to say that knowing him less and less - I've also lost my trust, and I'm worried that if I decide to not see him again, that he will hurt me. He's said that he doesn't care if it takes 3 days or 30 years to find me...
And I think he would try to do it too. I was out with my mum for her birthday... and he knew where I was but he came looking for me.
I just want to forget him... I think that's the best thing for me to do. But I just don't know how to do it.

He also said some really hurtful things the other day... telling me that I don't care about other people, that I look down on everyone (because I think he knows as a father, doesn't have as many rights as the mother does)

He's also started accusing me offancying my best friend... because I've started contact with him (he is a true friend, after about a year of no contact and he still cares aout me)

[CHANDLERS WISH]

Okay,

So, let's start by telling you that some guys can manipulate a girl into doing things she doesn't want to do... And, girls can be not sure how to handle it, and so what you dreamed and wanted, didn't happen through that manipulation... Does, that make sense?

So, firstly IT was NOT your fault as you didn't give in you purely didn't know how to handle it and from the sounds of it, didn't have anyone to turn to, talk to to find a way to stand your ground for what you wanted to do.

So, it's okay, alright...

You are stronger now.. Way, stronger and as such no man will be able to make you do anything they want you to do... Take it as a life learning experience that you should never have had to go through but unforunately you did and know that you can make your own decisions now.

Your parents obviously are not aware of your heartache, pain and what you have gone through.. Don't be frightened. TELL THEM.. They obviously love you heeps to say if you want, then we agree. If, they knew what went on all that time, they would not let him near you. Trust me on that note... A love of a child is so intense I can't explain that to you... Love in general when deep is that way.


This "child" thinks he "owns" you, the world and everything in his life, he will state he loves you, you've broken his heart to confuse you, it's manipulation, emotional blackmail and ABUSE.

If you think i am just offering advice, let me tell you.... I have been emotionally abused, I studied it and i understand it. Stand tall now and do this for you and for your daughter.

What is the point of him holding her for 5 minutes? She will note that he doesn't really have emotions won't she. The first few years of a baby's life is the most important, they "remember" everything, that is their learning period, they forget as they mature however, sub-consciously they never do.

Let me tell you a story.... I have never repeated this.. I LOVE everyone, and I love my Mother. My Grandmother however was my Mother... My Mother had pre-natal depression and for years... I never knew why she didn't "love me" she does, but it was a disease... and so. as a baby, i was neglected, whilst my brother was treasured.

Point being... as I said... Your baby will know, remember, and as they develop as a young adult repulse and rebell and get confused.... End it now... Let that child that you love understand only love.

He is unfortunately, manipulative, jealous, has stopped you from being you, friends, family, took what was not his, hurt you, never stood by you, has not stood by your daughter, and yet, there is such a beautiful light at the end of your tunnel, it's called someone else, whom will...

You better believe it, as it is out there...

It is the right thing to do, follow your gut feeling, he is a compulsive lier trying to get what HE WANTS..

When has he respected you?

When has he given you what you want?

When has he cared for you?

For your child?

Talk to your parents, tell them the truth, don't be frightened, you will be so suprised at what they will say.

Get way away from him and do it now.

Seek advise regarding "abuse" as he abused you, I know he did, in lots of ways so that you will always have custody of your daughter, but to do so you need to NOT be scared anymore...

You are strong look at what you wrote?

And, please, please, talk to your parents.


CW

[Purple&Black]

Oh my gosh, thank you so much, that has made me feel so much better!

I was reading all of it smiling... you have a wonderful way of words, and I will try talking to my parents as soon as possible.
Thank you so much.

I am way glad...

Well i spoke through you, what you are feeling, thinking hey...

Please do, as i said, you will feel fantastic after, such a relief , release, and you will be able to be you again, finally.

It's your life precious, and you are precious remember that.

By the way.......... I have such a good sense of humor too... lol... I am not all friggen deep. Honest.

[CHANDLERS WISH]

Thanks, no the name - those are just my favourite colours, I couldn't think of a name.

Laugh at that then hey

I don't think he would hit me... though I have come to know him les and less... He does seem to have mental problems - I think he got it from his dad. His family are all agressive, and his dad was violent to his children and wife.

Sad,but true, un-fortunately what has happened to someone, they sometimes repeat... But you can't be feeling sorry for him, he took from you something and well, alot of things hey.

I don't know if this could be the cause?
They are also very arrogant people.

Probably sweet, he probably had a hard growing up time himself, but taking is no excuse.


I feel sorry for him though... which makes it that much harder... but I still feel like he hasn't grown up yet. He loves the baby because she has his genetics... when it shouldn't be about that, should it?

You are only looking at what he may have gone through, time to look at what you have gone through as a result of him.... NO, it should not be about the fact that it is genetics. Not at all.


But I think I've gotten a little depresed. I love my baby and I don't know what will become of my life - I was going to go to university and was in college when I got pregnant... so I didn't getto finish my studies.

It's natural for you to feel depressed, you have no idea what your future is but only because you are re-living the past and living in the current, you have not really looked at your future, rather, you saw it but you feel it has dwindled away, not true. You need to talk to your parents ok... People will support you... You can be, do what ever you want in life.

[Purple&Black]

Thank you again, I'm glad I posted on this forum.
I see it differently now, thanks to you

[CHANDLERS WISH]

Oh, I was also meant to say that knowing him less and less - I've also lost my trust, and I'm worried that if I decide to not see him again, that he will hurt me. He's said that he doesn't care if it takes 3 days or 30 years to find me...
And I think he would try to do it too. I was out with my mum for her birthday... and he knew where I was but he came looking for me.
I just want to forget him... I think that's the best thing for me to do. But I just don't know how to do it.

He also said some really hurtful things the other day... telling me that I don't care about other people, that I look down on everyone (because I think he knows as a father, doesn't have as many rights as the mother does)

He's also started accusing me offancying my best friend... because I've started contact with him (he is a true friend, after about a year of no contact and he still cares aout me)

I am going to hit him in a minute and i don't do that, lol... PLEASE, PLEASE, now is THE TIME to tell your parents hey... Threats can be real, don't take the gamble.

He is manipulating, can't say anymore and he really raped you, which is not exactly true but you know what I mean, how about you do this? How about you let them read this? And, the other replies you will get hey?

You should be allowed to have friends, be it female or male, I do , I know that my man would, does, what ever, it's natural...

I think show them what you have written may be easier for you, but tell them first, you have something that you need to share and that you need their support, help and understanding, you may need to go down an adult path of restraining order, and don't be scared as I said ok...

[Purple&Black]

Heh I told my mum I was pregnant through a letter... the pregnancy was terrible as well, he wouldn't let me tell anyone not even a doctor until I was about 7 months and his mum noticed (that's ho much time he made me spend there, I was hardly at home. My mum was worried about me because pregnancy symptoms and everything)

And my sister got worms so she had to have 'vermox'. I read you wern't allowed to take it when pregnant... but he told me to. He said it would be better to get rid of them then to have them (I didn't, but even if I did, my mum said there are other things I could've done to make sure I didn't get them)
Me and my mum were so worried that my daughter would have something wrong with her... I spent hours on the internet trying to reasure myself...

And hetold me not to tell anyone because everyone would hate him. He said WE would live on the street, even though I told him my parents would look after me.
I was more upset about lying to my mum. I hated it...
And whenever she would move, he wouldn't try touching my belly to feel her... I was so excited but he made me feel terrible.

My room was so bad after the baby was born. He moved in with me, and wouldn't tidy the room - he played games (and got viruses on my computer from dowloading stuff) He let the room get mouldy and stuff, and he wouldn't tidy it. I sometimes I had to do it... which caused alot of pain - and I was REALLY low on iron so I got dizzy alot (I had to take 3 iron tablets a day)