[CHANDLERS WISH]

Look, I am purely going to give you "opinions", i am not right, or wrong, they are things to look at and think about.

I cetainly believe that the painkillers that she is on are playing with her mind. She is the only one who doesnt.

Well you don't if you are addicted to them.. There underlies maybe one area, in Victoria you are taking her to the Doctor ( the new Doctor). In South Australia, she can use her previous Doctor's notations, and request scripts for the same drug that she was having/ is addicted to.

There have been many, many laughs between us not only over the past year, but all through our relationship. That is one of the reasons why I find her thinking & plans to be so much out of character.

Addictions can make you "out of character".

CK left home and lived on the streets because of her Mother and her seemingly endless supply of husbands.

And she is no orphan.. I left home as well at 16, in Adelaide, not due to the same reasons, but I now get on well with my Mother, have for 20 years, because I made the move to get to know her, when I was an Adult.

To be quite honest, I do not know what she realises now, or how she is thinking.
Her reasons for wanting to move to Adelaide, as I stated in my previous post, would make more sense if her family over there had shown that they care for her and had made some attempt to be in contact with her. Even when we were living in our car, we still both had a mobile phone & her 'family' had our numbers.

Then you have to ASK her.. She is your wife, you are going off your own assumptions as to why she shouldn't, why it doesn't make sense, and all based of family, hers and how they are which is normal in that regard, you protected her then, your protecting her now.. But how can you ask for an "opinion" from us if you don't know why she is doing it? It could be as I have highlighted, her additction, new doctor, no control, your not there, she can take them.

I believe that she has closed up because she is confused, and refuses to see that moving to Adelaide would be a stupid move.

She has a motive, a reason... You don't move to the old territory and one where you don't have good memories without so... You need to ASK and get her to tell you...
It could be that through your depression, through her depression, she thinks she doesn't love you anymore, there is no sex, it could be simply her brain telling her it's over and to move away is easy... At least she has people, common ground, remembers Adelaide and is far away... When really it is only her being depressed, and it could be the addiction... But, you need to ask her, see if some hints can come through to help with that answer.

but I am thinking that it would be better to just stay in Melbourne & see how she copes on her own.

Maybe good for a couple of days, but you are both suffering from depression so maybe not good for 7 days... Why don't you try a couple of days so she can see the difference and see if she misses you?

I will refuse to let her take them to SA to live.

I understand the above, that's classic whether your a male or female parent, it also is a way to "stop" someone from moving, but will that make this better or worse? Are you concerned more so that if she did, the same thing will occur as it did in your previous relationship , never seeing the children again? Do you think she would do that? This part is hard, very hard, I sense fear there as well, as she would surely know the complete "in-correct" background of what happened before, that would put a fear to it, of as such, she could try to use that... I can't offer any thoughts there at the moment and I imagine that part is maybe the hardest for you.

I think you have to ask her... Almost trick her I guess, by saying something like, if i was to agree for you all to go to Adelaide, I need to know why you want to leave me, what is the reason behind it and don't settle for " I don't know".... Make that clear....

I'm sorry for all that you are going through and have gone through but i don't believe we can offer opinions without knowing why she wants to go... Bottom line is, you can't stop someone doing what they want to do, be it right or wrong, it's not going to happen...

For the posters here though regarding Adelaide?

The locals seem to have an inbred hatred of anything Victorian. I really only met about 6 people that I liked...and I discovered later that only three of them were actually born there!

I was born here.. I have umpteen friends here... Not all were born here, none of us give two hoots about Victorians and have any such hatred. Australia is Australia, Cities are Cities. Adelaide is a "small Country" town in comparison to Melbourne, hense many small businesses and shonky business owners... In fact they state and always have, "if you make it in Adelaide" you will make it anywhere.

I find it beautiful, it's not smoggy like Victoria, "Melbourne" , it's not full of traffic, it's the city of Churches, skys are blue, sea is blue, people are very friendly and like everywhere, depends on where you were bought up, if in the poorer parts, naturally worse with employers and people, just like all over the world...

Understand, I will defend Australia, as much as posters will defend America, and off course where we were born...

I understand you don't like Adelaide, but that's your "opinion"... And, really is not part of the concern for your wife where she lives, it's a safe place, again pending on where her parents live, but again, much like anywhere in the World.

The key is in "using" Adelaide in your context is this. She didn't like living here, why is she wanting to come back? Only you can ask that question to her and hopefully we can then offer our "opinion" as what best to do to help, addiction/not in love anymore/ what ever the reason ends up being.

Take care, we also don't stick up for women here more then men, there are several men on this Forum, several, we give each other curry where opinions are noted, so don't think we will be biased, not at all.

CW

[WildChild]

If you go for 8 days, or if she goes, who will care for your sons? This is tough but she is an adult and even if she isn't thinking clearly as long as she isn't to the point of harming herself or others there isn't much you can do with her. But your children don't have choices they are dependant on you and their mother.

She may well be thinking or wishing that now that she is in physical difficult, for some sort of return to mother's care and love. Even if it doesn't seem that she had it as a child. Whta does the counselor recommend you do? Does he have any ideas on this? Maybe "going home" for a while will force here to see what is really there and to remember what is was really like?