[rcoreyus]

The question is complicated because there are so many reasons for cheating. In most cases I expect it is because something is missing in the relationship. For example, say that someones spouse doesn't want sex (a pretty common situation if you read these boards). They can: Leave, Cheat, Suffer. None of these are good options. Cheating doesn't harm the spouse unless they find out. Leaving does (assuming the couple loves each other). Suffering harms the the person who isn't responsible for the problem.

Another example, say after a long relationship, the spouse has become very conservative, practical - all the spark has gone out of the relationship, its become a chore. Basically the same choices apply.

It is easy to say that people shouldn't cheat, or that they should leave rather than cheat - but the reality is more complex.

[takaris7]

The question is complicated because there are so many reasons for cheating. In most cases I expect it is because something is missing in the relationship. For example, say that someones spouse doesn't want sex (a pretty common situation if you read these boards). They can: Leave, Cheat, Suffer. None of these are good options. Cheating doesn't harm the spouse unless they find out. Leaving does (assuming the couple loves each other). Suffering harms the the person who isn't responsible for the problem.

Another example, say after a long relationship, the spouse has become very conservative, practical - all the spark has gone out of the relationship, its become a chore. Basically the same choices apply.

It is easy to say that people shouldn't cheat, or that they should leave rather than cheat - but the reality is more complex.

Love is a very complex thing really.

You hit the head on the mark with my problem. Spouse dosn't want sex or when sex does arrive its for "pity" or just to shut me up. The problem is frustrating. Not only that, we have become nothing more then a "habit"...going about life with just standard living....so we got the bills paid, we got the food and all is alright with the world....

I could leave...but it would be so hard....the legal system makes it very hard to move on...I still love my wife and would do anything for her...but for some reason I just can't see myself in the same situation for the rest of my life without being miserable.

[Hopeless Dork]

Cheating doesn't harm the spouse unless they find out. Leaving does (assuming the couple loves each other

I just don't agree with that. I think you missed the option of being forthcoming with a spouse and letting them know that you feel you don't have any option but to cheat, as you love them... don't wish to leave, and also don't wish to suffer in lonliness anymore. This will give them 1. the opportunity to see just how out of control this situation has gotten and perhaps attempt to rescue it before it goes further 2. the opportunity to agree to an open relationship or 3. Them realizing it won't work and helping you to end the relationship in a less than ugly way.

Being faithful is the fundamental reason couples commit to each other. Its extremely unfair to cheat while the other partner is believing you to be true and is being committed to you. They might be wishing to cheat as well, but not doing so out of respect for the fact that you aren't. So the cheater is just deciding for themselves what they deserve and what their partner doesn't.

You can say a partner that keeps refusing sex to their SO is asking them to cheat... I don't think so, it might be asking them to leave them because they can't rationally believe a sexual person would be content to be duped into long-term celebacy. But if they are refusing sex, they are being pretty obvious, there is no hiding -- they are saying, with me, you have no sex. A person that stays in that relationship (as hurtful as it is) is not being lied to , they are being hit head on with the truth and its up to them to walk or stay, to announce they want an open relationship or out of the marriage but that they can't live like a monk any longer.

I just don't think there is a reason to cheat, leaving is always an option. People can 'cheat for the kids'... so's they don't break up their happy home 'cheat for the money'... so's they don't lose 1/2 of it in a divorce... 'cheat for the cooking' so's they don't have to put up with their mistresses microwave dinners.. but whatever reason it is, isn't really all that valid in my opinion.

Most cheating gets revealed at some point...no one is quite as slick as they think. And what do the children think when they discover this about their parents? Is it any better a lesson than the one that would be learned from them divorcing due to irreconsilable differences?...because they want their kids to grow up around love (even if it can't be achieved in the same home) and not resentment, secrets and lies?

I don't disagree that the money/divorce thing isn't a valid concern... but getting caught cheating will fry your pants in a divorce court more than seeking divorce due ones spouse refusing to consumate the marriage.

[rcoreyus]

Hi Hopeless_dork.

The problem I see with telling them that their behavior is leaving you no option but to cheat is that it sounds like blackmail: Sleep with me or I'll find someone else. It seems to set the wrong tone. Most people (like me) want their partners to WANT to sleep with them, not just do it out of pity / duty / fear that you will leave.

In some cases the partner who doesn't want sex doesn't see it as a big deal - doesn't realize that they are putting their SO in an untenable situation. Any attempts to discuss are met with anger or emotional outbursts with no way to get to the root of the problem. I know that communication is important - but it can be very difficult with some people.

I've heard people say that they can't leave a relationship because of the cost of a divorce. This doesn't apply to everyone. I'd happily trade my entire net worth for a good sex life. The problem is that I won't trade my wife's happiness for a good sex life. I could divorce - get an even settlement and find someone else. That would leave her devastated. Its also not what I want - I want to be with her. So - again there are no good options.

It boils down to:
leave: Person A (the one who doesn't want sex) suffers AND person B suffers.
Stay and not cheat: Person B suffers
Cheat: No one suffers until A finds out, then A suffers.

FWIW, I don't cheat, but that is simply a matter of pride (the best sin), not because I don't think I have a right to.

[samanthatallon]

either they arent really happy or they are just cake eaters

( women can be the same way )

couldnt agree more

[JadedQueen]

It could be because he/she (any gender can cheat)
*Isn't really happy
*Needs to feel wanted/desired to validate themself some how
*Sex addiction (I feel that excuse is in a way a cop out... if you are a sex addict why be in a relationship)
*Enjoys the thrill of the chase which is no longer an issue once you have been in a relationship for awhile
*Wants to have the best of both worlds
Those are some of the reasons that I can think of.