[Guest]

IMO, you are not being unreasonable. What woman would want her lover texting ex's that he has either slept with or that want to sleep with him? I was wondering, does she have any girlfriends?

[Elysium]

IMO, you are not being unreasonable. What woman would want her lover texting ex's that he has either slept with or that want to sleep with him? I was wondering, does she have any girlfriends?

Yes, but only one local and two in another state. She had a bunch in college but of course they dissapeared overtime unlike the guys because they still want her...... funny how that works.

I'm trying to figure out how I can get her to actually understand these things. I mean, I know if I told her to do them she would... but she wouldn't agree that it was important.

The only way I can really think of is to say something like "hey if you really want to marry me then you need to understand what it means to eliminate outlets and to come out on a branch for someone" If you can't figure out how to eliminate outlets (like having 30 guys on her myspace) (or 20 different random guys texting her)then I would never marry you.

The funny thing is..... she wants to marry me badly...talks about it regularly. 80% of our problems have been because of various things that have to do with being in contact with other guys. If she had eliminated those things at month 1 like I did I would have already asked her...feels like a broken record at this point. I guess she's just insecure. I don't know.

I guess it's just wishful thinking to hope to find a girl that understands this, or at least believes the way I do about it. Unless I date a 20 year old.

[Little]

Woooow. You REALLY counted how many guys she has on her Myspace? Are you joking? Certainly I agree that she should come out on a limb for you, but it's a warning sign of an abusive relationship for one person to demand the other get rid of friends of the opposite gender.
I don't think you'll change your mind, but maybe when your girlfriend gets less desperate (what kind of level-minded woman begs anyone to marry her?) you will see that it's not acceptable for you to choose her friends. She's a grown woman.
What happens when your next girlfriend gets a job and has (gasp!) male coworkers? How are you going to feel about that? How are you going to function in the modern world with a wife who exits the house? You really need to think HARD about your jealousy issues, for your own good.

[Elysium]

Woooow. You REALLY counted how many guys she has on her Myspace? Are you joking? Certainly I agree that she should come out on a limb for you, but it's a warning sign of an abusive relationship for one person to demand the other get rid of friends of the opposite gender.
I don't think you'll change your mind, but maybe when your girlfriend gets less desperate (what kind of level-minded woman begs anyone to marry her?) you will see that it's not acceptable for you to choose her friends. She's a grown woman.
What happens when your next girlfriend gets a job and has (gasp!) male coworkers? How are you going to feel about that? How are you going to function in the modern world with a wife who exits the house? You really need to think HARD about your jealousy issues, for your own good.

Well, she already has male coworkers. She's a works at a local hospital. No issues there.

I don't think it's about whether or not she has guy friends. It's that she hasn't displayed the common sense to distinguish between which ones are good and which aren't. I don't think it's to much to ask for a girl to not be in communication with guys who want to get in her pants.... and so far... all of them have and she would agree with me on that... even though she didn't think so originally.

I had a wife for 4 years... we never had trust or jealousy issues. She left for school for 8 months and I wasn't worried. We we're like minded on these issues... it's not hard to tell when someone thinks/feels the same way you do.

With this girl, she would be upset if the roles we're reversed as well. She was worried about me talking to a girl I dated 10 years ago who's happily married with kids about being my realtor for example. So I had my cousin do it.

Even though I knew that there was absolutely 0 threat with her being my realtor... I just did it to make it simple and easy so that she could feel safe. She's much more important to me so it's a simple decision in my mind.

I didn't count her myspace guys... let's just say there's alot and that if I had a myspace and had a bunch of barbie looking girls on it she would be bugged.

The ? to me is simply why have them on there? How is it benefitting you? If you don't contact them, why do they matter? Many of them are guys she dated in the past/slept with or guys that have already displayed the would like to have a relationship with her. probably 10 of them have their shirts off, doesn't sound very mature to me.

Another thing she does that ties in with this is that whenever we have a breakup (which last about a day) she will immediately contact 5 different guys including ex boyfriends. She says she knows its her "blind spot" and that she does it because then our breakup doesn't hurt as bad and that she first started doing this with her last two boyfriends because that's what they would do to her and it didn't hurt as bad when she did it too. BTW, I've never done this, not once.

[CHANDLERS WISH]

Why do I get the impression that you are an old soul and and she is a young soul.

That you are older than her.

That she is nieve and this is really the core of the problem and what you want to change, that's called maturity.

My-Space? I have guys on mine that I don't know ( they all have their shirts on) or do they? mmm... Anyways... Any of them that have become lets say a bit out of hand, I just don't reply to... But, I speak with a few of them and am glad, they are becoming "internet" friends...

As, I said, I think that your issue is "she is nieve" and you can't handle that, and therefore she gets jealous but can't understand why you don't like simular things that she projects.

CW

[Elysium]

Why do I get the impression that you are an old soul and and she is a young soul.

That you are older than her.

That she is nieve and this is really the core of the problem and what you want to change, that's called maturity.

My-Space? I have guys on mine that I don't know ( they all have their shirts on) or do they? mmm... Anyways... Any of them that have become lets say a bit out of hand, I just don't reply to... But, I speak with a few of them and am glad, they are becoming "internet" friends...

As, I said, I think that your issue is "she is nieve" and you can't handle that, and therefore she gets jealous but can't understand why you don't like simular things that she projects.

CW

That sounds about right, now that you put it that way. The things she does are simply immature. I am only 3.5 years older than her.

If she was on here she would probably bring up that I had been speaking to my x-wife recently. Basically, throughout january. But the difference between how I did it and how she has done it with multiple guys is the communication we had about it.

For example, when I told her I wanted to call my X I did so before I contacted her. I explained to her the whole truth before I called her. I said that when we got divorced we didn't communicate about it and so I didn't feel like I had closure and that there was a chance that I still had feelings for her...but that I wasn't sure because I met my current girlfriend 5 months after the divorce and had not talked to my X since we started dating in order to make my gf feel safe.....so it had been 7 months since I had talked to the x. I told her that I had a strong feeling I needed to call her and even told her that there was a chance that I had feelings for her but was unsure. Which was the truth. I even would tell her about our conversations and I would forward her the emails we had during this period... I did this without her asking. In the end I sent my x an email telling her to move on and that I loved my girlfriend etc.....I even told my gf that I told my x that it was "the best five years of my life" u know? I didn't leave anything out, even the things that would hurt my gf. Obviously, she knew I was staying with her.

When she talks to guys it's always without communicating with me about it....it's always reactive not proactive. And there's always been alot of them.
It's always her telling me about what happened after it happened instead of before. She doesn't get that this makes the biggest difference (at least to me). She thinks it's worse for me to talk to an x wife even though I thouroughly explain everything first before I call her than it is for her to always be in communication with guys who want her and telling me about it afterwards. For me it's not as important what she's doing as it is that she's being upfront and totally honest about it. When she isn't I find myself spending my days at work wondering what she's really thinking.... her stories are always changing. Whether it's the only time I know she lied straight to my face about talking to an ex boyfriend when she had talked to him 2 hours earlier when I asked her about it.... then she came running back with a love note crying.... saying she didn't want to lose me is why she lied.. I think I've already gone over alot of the other examples.... in this thread and there are a ton more I've left out... it's a regular occurence although I will say it's got better slowly overtime. If she would have told me before hand that she thought she might still have feelings about him and needed to talk to him to be sure ahead of time. I would have been hurt.... but I would have got over it. It's the lie straight to my face that made it so horrible.

Now I"m a bit depressed. What are the chances someone will all the sudden get it? Or mature? I guess the decision I have to make is whether or not I'm willing to stay with her long enough she stops doing it... whether or not I can handle that. Everyone I know keeps telling me that people don't change. My sister always says "if she didn't change for 30 years would you be ok with that".

Are great relationships supposed to be this hard right from the get go? It started being tough by the 3 month mark .... which is when she lied.... and it has been tough since. I know relationships are tough but this is wearing me out.

You girls are tough cookies. Ten times more complicated than anything else! LOL! I guess that's what makes it all worth it.

[Little]

They say that 3 months is the magic mark. It's when people stop putting up their fronts and start being their real selves. Maybe your real selves just don't match. Everyone has their crutches. For some people it's drugs, for some it's MMORPGs, and for some it's having old boyfriends lean on (what does it matter who she calls when you're "broken up?") It's a matter of deciding whether or not that crutch is acceptable to you and whether or not you can help the person get off the crutch. Whether that person WANTS to get off the crutch.
Once a couple starts to break up and make up, it turns into a vicious cycle. You're not in a relationship ... you're stuck in a rut. You don't have to settle for the first girl who makes ga-ga eyes at you after your divorce, just as she shouldn't settle for someone who has such vastly differing opinions about interaction with others.
Seems you two are just an awful fit.

[CHANDLERS WISH]

Us tough cookies? Well, that's what happens when you put your fingers in the jar haha.

I tend to agree with Little, your mixed matched.

You have these ways in which you would like "respect" to be had which is not wrong, but it's consumed you, I mean man, 15 posts?

It's got you in a spin, why? how? when? And, the more you question the more your mind goes into other things, or over and over what you already feel, see...

You can not change a person... They are whom they are... You either accept them for whom they are... or you move on.... unfortunately.


CW