[Guest]

I'm wondering what some of you ladies have to say about it. I'm considering giving a girl I know a love letter because I can't seem to organize my thoughts when I'm near her. She's seeing someone already. I don't want to cause trouble in her existing relationship, but I want to let her know how I feel even if she can't reciprocate my feelings. I think if I don't tell her I will regret it in the future.

[golden_nemesis]

I am going to address your post in two separate parts, because there seem to be two separate issues.

1). Are love letters cheesy?

Yes, they are. But cheesy can be very good for a relationship. It does let you organize your thoughts and say things you may not feel comfortable saying out loud. I wrote my partner a love letter and gave it to him for Christmas. He said its the best gift he's ever gotten, and I catch him reading it at random times. It lives on his nightstand.

2) Should you give one to a girl who is in a relationship?

NO. If she is in a committed relationship, it is not a good idea to write this girl a love letter. It will likely only make her feel uncomfortable, and could damage any friendship you may have with her. If you want to just use letter-writing as a way to put your feelings into words, but then don't give it to her, I think that might be a better idea. Or, possibly write it anonymously, type it out on a computer if she knows your handwriting. That could be flattering for her, and wouldn't create any discomfort between you. Plus, if she and her current beau break up later on, you can let it slip that you were the one who wrote her that sweet letter. ;-)

[Guest]

I am going to address your post in two separate parts, because there seem to be two separate issues.

1). Are love letters cheesy?

Yes, they are. But cheesy can be very good for a relationship. It does let you organize your thoughts and say things you may not feel comfortable saying out loud. I wrote my partner a love letter and gave it to him for Christmas. He said its the best gift he's ever gotten, and I catch him reading it at random times. It lives on his nightstand.

2) Should you give one to a girl who is in a relationship?

NO. If she is in a committed relationship, it is not a good idea to write this girl a love letter. It will likely only make her feel uncomfortable, and could damage any friendship you may have with her. If you want to just use letter-writing as a way to put your feelings into words, but then don't give it to her, I think that might be a better idea. Or, possibly write it anonymously, type it out on a computer if she knows your handwriting. That could be flattering for her, and wouldn't create any discomfort between you. Plus, if she and her current beau break up later on, you can let it slip that you were the one who wrote her that sweet letter. ;-)

What if I said that I'm willing to sacrifice my friendship with her as long as she knows? Perhaps I'm being selfish and only thinking of how I feel. To make the long story short, I was thinking about saying something along the lines of "I know you have someone, but just wanted to say you mean a lot to me". I'm not looking for her to respond to my feelings, just make her aware they are there.

[golden_nemesis]

What if I said that I'm willing to sacrifice my friendship with her as long as she knows? Perhaps I'm being selfish and only thinking of how I feel. To make the long story short, I was thinking about saying something along the lines of "I know you have someone, but just wanted to say you mean a lot to me". I'm not looking for her to respond to my feelings, just make her aware they are there.

Why in the world would you want to tell her your feelings if you don't want her to respond in any way? I think you are just telling yourself that you don't want her to, but that most of you is enveloped in a very vivid fantasy of her throwing her current guy to the curb and throwing herself into your arms. Yes, I do think you're being selfish. Ask yourself how you think SHE will feel. If you care for her, you shouldn't do something you know will hurt her in some way with no real up-side.

If you really enjoy her company that much, cherish your friendship with her. Now, I would advise refraining from becoming a confidant about her current relationship, that is usually a certain path to losing any chance you have of being more than a friend later on. Even flirt (mildly) with her if you want to, but BACK OFF if she seems at all uncomfortable.

I still like the idea of an anonymous love letter. I think that would be exciting and non-threatening.

[Debra]

Are love letters cheesy??? Of course they are, but some women, like myself, happen to like them. I remember writing one for my then soon to be hubby. I asked him to write me one in return, which he did....I didn't realize until 3 years and a baby later that he had copied my poem, changed a few words, and made that 'his poem' that he gave me. I still get a laugh out of it, but it's the thought....or plagery that matters. LOL

Should you give her the letter? NOOOO, I agree with nemesis. It's a bad idea because she's already in a committed relationship. If you truly love her or have very strong feelings for her then you should also care about how she will feel upon receiving the letter. I can only imagine that it might hurt or embarass her, even if you make it clear that you know she's in a relationship.

Maybe you should write it anonymously, as was suggested. If you really feel that you need to get it off your chest, then that could be a good idea. Otherwise, 'leave good enough alone' and be happy to be friends.

[Guest]

Why in the world would you want to tell her your feelings if you don't want her to respond in any way? I think you are just telling yourself that you don't want her to, but that most of you is enveloped in a very vivid fantasy of her throwing her current guy to the curb and throwing herself into your arms. Yes, I do think you're being selfish. Ask yourself how you think SHE will feel. If you care for her, you shouldn't do something you know will hurt her in some way with no real up-side.

If you really enjoy her company that much, cherish your friendship with her. Now, I would advise refraining from becoming a confidant about her current relationship, that is usually a certain path to losing any chance you have of being more than a friend later on. Even flirt (mildly) with her if you want to, but BACK OFF if she seems at all uncomfortable.

I still like the idea of an anonymous love letter. I think that would be exciting and non-threatening.

I don't fantasize about her breaking her current relationship to start one with mine. You're trying to read too much into me.

An anonymous letter would be pointless.

[Guest]

Should you give her the letter? NOOOO, I agree with nemesis. It's a bad idea because she's already in a committed relationship. If you truly love her or have very strong feelings for her then you should also care about how she will feel upon receiving the letter. I can only imagine that it might hurt or embarass her, even if you make it clear that you know she's in a relationship.

How is it that you think it would have a negative impact on her if I were to relay my thoughts? Just because she's already in a relationship?

[golden_nemesis]

I don't fantasize about her breaking her current relationship to start one with mine. You're trying to read too much into me.

An anonymous letter would be pointless.

Maybe I am reading too much into your motivations, but that is because you haven't given a good reason to justify your actions. So I have to fill in the blanks somehow. If it is just "So she'll Know", then again I ask WHY? "Well, so she'll know." The reasoning is circular, and so is not a real reason at all.

An anonymous letter would not be pointless. Again, if you care about her, and want her to be happy (which is usually a huge part of caring for someone), then there is a great point to an anonymous letter. It would flatter her and make her feel happy. Seems like a pretty good point to me.

[golden_nemesis]

How is it that you think it would have a negative impact on her if I were to relay my thoughts? Just because she's already in a relationship?

Dude, really, come on. You asked for the opinion of women, you got it. I understand you may not like what we're saying, but when we tell you she will be negatively impacted by such a letter, you'd do well to trust us more than your own opinion on the matter since WE ARE WOMEN.

Even if you tell her you don't expect anything from her, she will still feel like you do. She will never be comfortable around you again. I call that a pretty negative impact. And if you say you are ok with losing her friendship, well, that tells me you don't actually care about her.

If you do decide to write this letter anyway, stick to your guns about ending the friendship. Don't call her, don't talk to her, don't try to see her. If she wants to still maintain contact, she will. If not, let it go.

[Guest]

Maybe I need to give a few more details about the situation. I can't really say we are friends. I happened to meet her not long ago at her job site and when we talk I feel at ease.