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do i tell ?

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  • do i tell ?

    I have been having an affair with a married man for about a year. I have decided to end it...thankfully, although I am quite ashamed that I let it go on this long. Now that it is over I have been having thoughts about telling his wife-- anonymously. Not out of anger towards him-- he's a loser and yes I feel terrible-- but because of his cheating ways, I'm pretty sure he'll move on to someone else. Now that I have come to terms with what I have done and have reflected I would want to know if I was being cheated on...so do I anonymously tell her through an email?

  • Tricky. Part of me wants to say yes, in case she is totally clueless to his ways, especially if he could be bringing her disease etc. (Not saying you have one , just mean if hes sleeping around unprotected with ladies and coming and doing it to her, you may have a more justified reason, maybe) Did he sleep with you without a condom? Again, since you said he'll move on to another mistress, he'd likely keep on with the same patterns of safety or unsafety rather.

    Personally I would only tell her if he could be putting her in any kind of jeaopardy with disease etc. If he used condoms with you, hes still a pathetic excuse for a married man but at least its likely he isn't acting with total lack of consciousness.

    Part of me thinks you should exit silently as you came, and let them work it out amongst themselves. The butterfly effect that could be set in motion with your anonymous tip would not be something you'd want resting on your shoulders.

    Its also likely she may already know, many women do. Its just so tricky. You did the right thing ending it and not just for her, you deserve more than a wishy washy jerk that can't be man enough to leave his wife before breaking his vows. Shotty integrity is not a quality that you can respect in a man.
    Scars remind us of where we've been...they don't have to dictate where we're going.


    • HD has summed it up fairly well. I would add that from what I've seen when the "other" woman feels a need to contact the wife (unless there is a child) it usually has more to do with spreading her misery and putting him in the hot seat, than anything else. Chances are his wife knows, whether she admits it or not. Having dealt with a man who had multiple affairs, there are always signs if you choose to see them.

      Get tested for everything under the sun and if you are negative I'd say leave it alone. But you have to examine your heart and your motives. What are you really after? You need to move forward, would this facilitate that? You know him (or one side of him) do you know her? Give yourself some time to get a little distance and then see how you feel about this?


      • To OP.. if you wish to ruin their marriage, tell her... Telling her will not atone or change what you've done. It's not like you have taken someone's life. Learn from your mistakes, and don't beat yourself so much, but don't make it a habit of getting involved with married men. Everyone makes mistakes.


        • Ask yourself this: "Why am I wanting to tell her this now AFTER ending things with him?" If your intentions were to save a woman from misery, you'd have told her long ago while you were involved with him, right? Now that you don't think he hung the moon anymore....you in a sense may want to punish him. Does this really have to do with her? And if it really had to do with her, and you wanting to "save" other women from this, you'd have thought twice before having an affair with her husband, right? Not being judgemental here, just being blunt....... and I believe that by you going to her at this point it is like the pot calling the kettle black. If he's a louse for cheating, what does that make you for cheating with him? Or at least that's what his wife will think.....

          His wife will figure this out, she probably already has, she doesn't need salt poured into her wound by her husbands ex mistress coming to her. Or to get some anonymous email. That's torture...you get this email, don't know who it's from, don't know if there's any truth to it, and have no way of using it as a means to find out the FACTS needed. Wives want facts, cold hard proof that their husbands have cheated. Most won't walk away from their marriage over an anonymous email. Don't let yourself be THAT woman.

          Learn from this....as WC said, go get tested, if you're negative, move on from this, don't let yourself be in this situation again. Don't let yourself be the side dish when you deserve to be the entree.
          "Be what you're looking for."


          • Wild Child and BD, great advice on the getting tested rather than whether or not he used condoms.. I agree , test and if you don't have anything I would definitely let sleeping dogs lie.

            The only moral obligation is if you came up positive with something, as likely a married women isn't feeling the need to get STD tested often, or at all. And even something like chylamdia, which can go on without symptoms for years can lead to pelvic inflammatory disease, scarring of the fallopian tubs and infertility. So if you do end up positive, sending an email asking that she for her own health get tested would be hurtful but you could rest a little better at night knowing that you didn't let a woman have health problems that you could have helped her avoid.

            But if you get that clean bill of health.. walk away.. wiser and stronger from the experience. I agree with the others that while you are feeling a strong sense of moral obligation to tell this women now, telling her won't take back what happened, be happy with yourself for waking up and ending it and leave it to him and his greedy, self-absorbed ways to let his true colors shine through to his wife.
            Scars remind us of where we've been...they don't have to dictate where we're going.


            • I have been cheated on and I wish someone would of told me! But, I would need proof . If you do make sure you can prove it!! It really really bothers me that you knew he was married, now you are done with him and now you want her to know!! IMO

              Very hard for the other to get over a spouse cheating..IT HURTS!!Forever


              • I think that at this point telling would look like revenge. No one (maybe not even you) can really know your real motivations, but it has the appearance of a low thing to do.


                • While I don't think its the best choice to tell her, I don't think telling her is a "low thing to do" as corey put. What this man did, he did the low thing. You didn't have the commitment to his wife, HE DID. Don't feel low for considering telling him, a married man shouldn't do anything that he couldn't handle his wife finding out about. What he did put her in not only physical and emotional jeopardy he also left the door open for a scornful mistress to rub it in his wifes face (not calling the op that, just saying he opened the door for that).

                  I don't feel sorry for this man. And my feelings about you not saying anything have less to do that whether or not hes worthy of revenge, but whether or not the wife is worthy of learning about such a life devistating thing via anonymous email.
                  Scars remind us of where we've been...they don't have to dictate where we're going.


                  • I say you have already did something wrong anyway so why not tell her what do you have to lose now. You already did the deed telling her will hurt her yes I know from personal experiences but she has a right to know, to confront him. Why not tell him if you don't tell her you will otherwise he will know it was you to begin with especially since you ended it.
                    when you do something wrong you need to try and correct it and in this case you can't fix it but you can give her the chance to decide if she wants to forgive and move on or end it before she finds out in 5 years when she is more settled in a longer relationship that means twice as much as now.

                    Good Luck



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