[rcoreyus]

When you have a difficult moral question like this, ask the question:
If I do this, who will be better off, and who will be worse off afterwards.

[coldilocks]

I would surely not confront his wife, if I were you. You never know how the situation may turn out, how crazy some people are, etc. I would personally say it isn't your place to tell her, but I also want to say that she has every right to know that he is cheating, for her own health and safety. Also, it seems more like telling her would be for your own validation, that you would get more out of it by "getting it off of your chest" than for helping her in some way. Chances are, she wouldn't believe you, but she would still confront him, and this could turn out very badly for you. You didn't state whether or not they have children, and if they do, that is definitely something that needs to be taken into consideration.

You knowingly had an affair with a married man, and in my opinion, you've done enough damage to that family - and it's not your place to bring this to light to his wife.

[rcoreyus]

On thinking more, I think it is a very bad idea to tell. You never know what is going on in another relationship, and cant tell what will happen as a result of your telling.

[commonsense]

to tell the wife?

I have been having an affair with a married man for about a year. I have decided to end it...thankfully, although I am quite ashamed that I let it go on this long. Now that it is over I have been having thoughts about telling his wife-- anonymously. Not out of anger towards him-- he's a loser and yes I feel terrible-- but because of his cheating ways, I'm pretty sure he'll move on to someone else. Now that I have come to terms with what I have done and have reflected I would want to know if I was being cheated on...so do I anonymously tell her through an email?

As a wife who was cheated on in the past (not married now), the last person I would want to hear from is my husband's mistress. You say you would not be doing it out of anger, but exactly what is your motive?
Do you really want to just break them up so that you can have him guilt free? It is not your business to tell the wife anything. She probably already suspects it (most of us do), but doesn't have all the evidence. Get YOURself together move on and stay out of their business.

[DG123]

My motive is the fact that I just found out he's sleeping or was sleeping,-- or is currently(-- however you look at it) sleeping with other women ( aside from me)!!. He does when he's out of town. I truly do not think his wife knows. He's told me in the past that she doesn't know that he has cheated in the past. I think he's really good at it and no one has ever had the balls to say anything. I feel so sick inside for what I did and letting it go on for as long as it did. What he does isn't right and if the situation was reversed and I had a husband who was cheating I would definitely want to know....not only for the morality of it but also the health part (STD's etc.).

[CHANDLERS WISH]

You are feeling guilty for what you did and by telling it kind of makes you feel all better, as you fessed up huh... And, then there's how dare he go from you to someone else pfttt.

Well I am going to say the same as a few here... It's not your business, she will find out eventually as he will not stop what he is doing.

Don't ruin her life because he has a tad ruined yours.

You feeling sick inside is your own guilt you have to carry with you until you can forgive yourself.

Reverse it? You are not that lady, and so you don't have the right to really cause problems or hurt someone openly when you were hurting her behind her back, let it pass, let it be, get on with your life.

It's not moral at all to hurt someone, and let's face it, you did that bit, so don't use the word moral now because it's a tad late.

Not blamming you don't get me wrong, but it's double standards to make that last comment hun.

CW

[DG123]

i guess i do feel sick out of guilt...or maybe just feel sick because i let our trysts go on for as long as they did and yes i feel like a huge . looking back there were times where he either didn't want to use protection with me or "forgot". and what if he's pulling that with others and they let him! yuck! so for her sake of cleanliness...CW perhaps you're right and i should let it go. just wanted to hear others views since no one else in my life knows about it.thanks to everyone for their feedback and advice!

[CHANDLERS WISH]

well do.... it's as i said your guilt and you feeling sick... let her find out herself she will trust me, she will..

he will get his, she don't want to hear it from you trust me even if you are anonymous let it go....

he will get his....

[WildChild]

Have you been in to be tested for STIs? You certainly should that may just be the deciding factor. If you are clean I'd leave it alone, if not, she has to be told. Maybe not be you but by health services.

[rcoreyus]

When you do something wrong, there is a strong desire to confess. (I've felt this myself). News groups are a good place. If you are religious then confessing to the local religious authority is certainly a reasonable thing to do (and encouraged by some religions). But while it will make you feel better, I think in this case telling will just hurt others.

Also, I've found that relationships are never as simple as they sound. You have seen one part of his relationship, and you have seen him cheating. But you really don't know everything else that is going on and don't know what harm might be done by your confession.