[gretchen]

I' ve been best friends with her for 7 years, we've seen each other through a lot and i wouldnt ever want this friendship to end. she hasnt always been the greatest friend to me, she can be selfish, unconsiderate, rude, and bad for my self-esteem.

unfortunately, she's gowing through a lot right now. her boyfriend of a year broke up with her because she was suffocating him, and it was nearly impossible for her to get over that, her mom, who has been my second mother for the past 7 years, is sick and dying of cancer. this is hitting me really hard, but its obviously A LOT harder for her.

the problem is, she expects to do everything with me, every single day, and would be hurt if i said no. she invites herself everywhere. even if its when im doing my homework, family vacations or if im with someone else (which never happens cuz im always with her). this is also kind of a problem because some of my other friends dont like her, but i defend her. she comes over to my house uninvited and now even without telling me, which is a HUGE problem with me because i am incredibly private and independent, i dont like to have people be with me all the time and i dont like them knowing what i do by myself or anything. i NEED alone time to myself. i cant even have a conversation on the phone in front of somebody (especially her) without feeling really uncomfortable. and i work much better by myself, i always have

for prom i was planning on taking my other best friend, he goes to another school. he was SOOO excited to go to mine and we had been planning it for a while. recently she told him he's not going with me, but that she's going instead, even though i told her it was mean and i didnt want her to tell him that. she goes to a different school than either of us.

i was SOOO excited to go to college and start working on my art degree. now she's going to the same school and she says she's taking ALL the same classes as me because shes an art major too,and she doesnt want to be alone. now i DREAD college

im constantly worrying over whether she's going to call me, show up at my house, or anything and im so worried over my future. these are going to be really important years of my life and i want to DO REALLY GOOD AND BE HAPPY and have MY OWN LIFE

i never say no to her and i almost always go with her or let her come and do whatever she wants. if i were to not do that she would be offended and hurt and i cant do that, ESPECIALLY at this time. It has made me bitter towards her and i dread seeing her or her calls. everytime i try and say im busy or that my mom said i cant do something with her she keeps telling me to beg my mom or change plans with the excuse "BUT im depressed" over and over i've started to not believe her anymore, i was recently and for a long time pretty deeply depressed and i know what thats like, i know she's going through a lot right now . i feel guilty if i dont do what she asks, somehow she has always had that affect on me, even though she is always asking me (well now that i think about it...TELLING me) to do things that aren't in my best interest. For example spending money on things i dont want to spend money on (im suuuper low on money), stealing pretty much EVERYTHING for her (because she doesnt want to run the risk of her getting caught), ditching class, not doing my work, and stealing from my parents.

ALLLL the time i feel constant anxiety and dread and i dont know what to do. i really love her, i do and i dont want to cause her anymore problems. she always says im the only one she can trust and im her only "true" friend...many people love her

i need to help myself though too, i have a lot of my own problems, and i just dont know how. I want to LOVE COLLEGE. i was looking forward to it so much, and now i just cry over it.

[Hopeless Dork]

Gretchen you sound like you have a good heart and are trying to be the best friend you can but you are wise to see that you can't be a good friend to her if you are not first good to yourself.

1. You should be proud of yourself for defending her to your friends that don't "like her"... they need to learn a little how to be civil as in life you can't just stick your own click and there is always going to be someone around you don't like.. you have to learn how to behave in that setting ... as its always going to come up.

2. You are not a bad friend if you need time for yourself sometimes, everyone does.. even she does though she doesn't realize it.

You are going to have to be gentle, but honest. If you make up stories about why you can't see her, and she see's you somewhere else it will hurt her much more than if you told her that you had something else planned. She will sulk, but if you let her down, suggest something fun you guys can do down the road.

"Hey _____, Saturday is going to be super busy for me - but hey that movie you wanted to see.. lets do it sunday , maybe we can get our nails done after.. " etc etc.. you telling her you can't hang out will not just upset her because of the one day, its will be because she is worried you will stop hanging out all together.

I think if she wants to do something with you, and you tell her you have some plans.. offer another day with her, another time and keep your word and she will begin to trust that you are still gonna be around even if your life takes you other directions occasionally.

It seems stability is what she is craving right now, and you can still provide that for her while at the same time not being at her beck and call.

[CHANDLERS WISH]

I think that despite what she has been like before, now it's a sense of loss, she is trying to find ways in which to over come her loss, the loss of her boyfriend and the future loss of her mum, so she is making plans with perhaps what she classes as her "sister".

She will get another boyfriend and that will give you space, she will gain more friends at College and that will give you space, you both will make friends together and that may turn out to be great..

This is extremely difficult for you, she suffocated her boyfriend and she's suffocating you.

You really need to go to the prom with a guy, it's more fun and you only get to do it once, can't you find a guy that she can go with? So that way you go together?

Say you know, we need to get all girly together, paint our nails etc, but we need to walk in with a guy on our arms as well and make it a proper prom so such in such is also coming as well and so is (the guy you were going with).

Unfortunately, you can't really tell her knock before you come in, call before you come over, I dont' want you in my classes, all you can do is change things around as you are doing these things so that others are involved and so that you can enjoy yourself as well.

The problem is you have a good heart and you allowed this to occur before, so it's hard to change it now.

But, i have a feeling it's not going to be as bad as you think it will be, keep your spirits up.

CW

[WildChild]

Has she always been this clingy and intrusive? Or is this more recent?
My mom died of cancer when I was 21, it's hard but it also grows you up. She may do quite a bit of changing after that.
As for college, one don't apply to have her as a roommate and you don't have to show or tell her exactly what you've signed up for, if she still gets the same classes you can go to add/drop and change some.
The fact that you are crying over her being at college with you indicates that this situation has gotten out of hand. HD and CW are right you have to find the strength to say NO and mean it. You don't have to be mean but you do have to be clear.

Suggest to her that she needs to spend time with her mom - alone. She really does, this is not something she will get a second chance at. If her mom does die she will never have another chance to spend time with her and depending on the type of cancer, if it moves into her brain, her mom could lose the ability to communcate rationally sometime before she dies. Your frend may be avoiding dealing with this by clinging to you. Believe me if she doesn't spend time with her mom she will regret it later in her life. So encourage her on this.
People will say they wish they could give someone a year off their lives or such things but all they can give is time they have right now.

[gretchen]

thanks to all of you for the advice! i'm definately taking the tips and i feel much more calm and more certain of how to handle this and be able to help her through all of it. if i want to be there for her i will have to make sure to hold my head high and be strong, so she can too.

[kms]

Hmm. Has she always been like this, or just recently? It sounds like she has a lot of issues that a trained professional needs to be dealing with, not you. She's controlling, manipulative, obsessive, steals and skips classes you said? Gets on the wrong side of people? Which would mean her social skills aren't up to par... why exactly do your friends not like her? To be honest, I almost wonder if she has a personality disorder of some sort... in which case, it can be very difficult to deal with, especially if she's not in treatment or therapy.

There are two ways of going about dealing with her. One would be the healthiest and most respectful of your friendship with her (which honestly doesn't sound like a friendship - it sounds like she is completely selfishly controlling you without ever thinking about YOU at all) - which would be: being honest. Just sit her down and tell her that what's going on is too much for you to handle; you can't be with her every second, you need space, and if you don't get it then your relationship will be ruined, just like it was with her bf. Have very specific boundaries that you want to be followed. If she still persists in crossing your boundaries, just don't answer the phone. Don't answer the door when she tries to come over. Be very strong in maintaining the boundaries, and she'll get it over time, although she'll probably try to push them pretty hard since she's so used to getting her way.

The second option is to avoid her and be dishonest with her, as some others have suggested. If she truly has a lot of serious mental issues, this may work best in order to extract yourself and escape from her. Just say that you're busy when she calls, be vague, but be firm and don't give in. If you've shown her your college schedule already, fine, but drop those classes and get in different ones, or different sections at least. When classes start and she realizes that you aren't in the same class, tell her that your advisor changed your classes last minute or some BS like that. Definitely don't be her roommate, get someone else. Blame it on an advisor again, or say that housing messed it up. Who knows, be creative.

But I think the best way, whether you choose to just start avoiding her or to be up front with her, is from now on to be vague, be firm, and do NOT give her real personal information about yourself, especially on the things that are stressing you out the most (prom, college, classes, your current schedule, etc.).

She's already shown that she doesn't honor or value you or the friendship you've had for so long. Honestly, I've been through tough things in my life but I would NEVER act the way she is, and would absolutely clue in immediately as to when I'm not wanted or being a nuisance! It seems she doesn't even see you as a person really, just an object to take advantage of. Try to get her to the school counselor or someone who can truly get her the help she needs. You can stand by and be supportive, but NOT enabling and sacrificing your own sanity and health for someone else, regardless to whether they appreciate it or not.

[SecondGuess]

I've felt the same way recently as well. One of my best friends would text me at dawn just to say 'good morning,' and text me all day every day about anything and everything. When she would hang out with my friends and I, my other friends weren't too fond of her because everything was about her. When my other friend and I would have issues and we would vent it out, she didn't care too much except to bring the topic back to her life and how great her life was.

Eventually I got fed up to the point where I started to ignor her phone calls, text messages, and emails. We finally talked it out with her and said everything in the nicest way we could so that she wouldn't misunderstand. Sometimes whay they need to do is admit what the problems are in there lives. They know in the back of their head that there are things in their life that make it dark and gloomy. When they say it outloud they have to face reality and the real problem and realize that there is so much more that they need to deal with.

Once she realized how she made my friend and I feel she admitted what was going on in her life and backed off alot more. Now we have an even better relationship and bond a lot more now.

[Fatin]

well u r very good guy and you care about your future and thats good i mean we don't really find like you nowadays and i can tell that u don't want to hurt her feelings bcos what she is going through and thats also good but the thing that i can tell u is that try to talk to her just tell her how u feel you know

[gretchen]

in all honesty, (since my last post) i did not try my hardest to keep a distance. we ended up closer and closer. she eventually got better and over the break-up but my depression and ed got worse and worse, and i felt more out-of-control than ever, until i ended up in a psych ward after an attempted suicide. it was still pretty bad after that. i ended up getting drunk by myself (and secretly) a lot. after having many many talks with my parents, friends, and therapists i finally realized that i needed to talk to her and get some space, REAL space for a while. i told her that we needed to take a break for a good few months, until i was completely recovered and that i hope she understood. i told her all of it was due to my weaknesses and inablity to assert control over my life and against others'. she didnt take it well and continually tried to contact me. she did some things behind my back that i consider extremely low and now i've come to realize it wasnt a friendship but a sick dependency on each other, feeding off eachother's weaknesses. in all honesty, after some of the actions she took, i do not wish to pick up our friendship. but i feel (and have felt since i ended the whole chirade) a huge sense of relief. i dont respond to any of her messages (obviously sent with the intention of provoking me into counterargumnet)and it feels empowering. i probably should have taken advice given to me more seriously, as it could have prevented a lot of unnecessary strife...
but thank you eveyone anyways!im trying with all my ability to recognize my own self-destructive behaviors and im definately trying my hardest to make sure that this is the last time i end up in another controlling relationship

[CHANDLERS WISH]

Sorry you had to go through all of that but I'm really happy that you felt empowered and that your moving now in the right direction for you, your life.

People can absolutely, drain you and fill you with negativity. Try surrounding yourself with likeminded people, traits you admire, and positive people and what where you go in life

Good for you sweet..

CW