[steph22]

hi all im in desperate need of advice. is silly really because im not fat and i no im sexy but i cant watch tv with my boyfriend im self consious. its gotten so bad i wont even watch hollyoaks with him or music channels because im scared that he is looking at them and thinking they are better than me and he wont want me. we have been together over 5 years and are about to break up over this. i no i have issues that prob need sorting as theres been a few things in my life that could have contributed to this whole mess i feel like a freak pls help. is there anyone else who feels the same way? xx

[CHANDLERS WISH]

If you've been together for 5 years he must know the problems and therefore what stems from you feeling this and you too right?

5 years is along time for him to accept that fear.

What are you doing to help you?

What has made you feel this way?

You need to let go of your past, so you can move in the present and the future.

CW

[CHANDLERS WISH]

ps: You are not a "freak" lots of people are sexy and know it but relate to something from the past and can't jump that..

We need to jump it so tell us a bit more.

CW

[steph22]

i use to be the complete oposit to how i am now. i was the one who wanted to watch porn wit him and stuff and i just think its got to the point where i should get this sorted. i put alot of weight on bout 3yr ago and it started there. almost as if i cant watch women on tv without pulling myself apart looking at her and thinking im un sexy and stuff i assume he is thinking the same and looking at her and thinking why is my girlfriend not like that. he says hes not thinking that but i still feel the same way. iv even got bk to my size 10 and im suprised i feel the same still

[steph22]

i was abused wen i was 13 and at the start of my relationship with the boyfriend im with now there were domestic violence issues. he went to anger management etc so i over time have become very sinical towards men and that tv films porn is degrading and pervy. ps thanks for reply chandlers wish xx

[mr.mansview]

after 5 years your boyfriend should have made you feel that you are the only important women in his life..perhaps you need a man who can give you that..sounds like you need a confidence boost from a worthy guy..you don't say much about your bf, but maybe you deserve better..good luck

[WildChild]

Sounds like the two of you have been through some difficult times. He's worked on his behavior and has improved and that's good. Have you done what you need to work through having been abused? There can be some real self esteem issues there, sexual insecurity and others. You should take a look at that, sometimes it can come back and bite you in strange ways.

This is your self esteem issue and while ideally he would build up, you can't depend on that from outside yourself. You have to love yourself and value yourself. That has to come from within. See if you can find a counselor you connect with for at least a few sessions?

[steph22]

thank you all for your coments it been really hard at the moment and maybe it could be a good idea to get some counseling because i know that i have self esteem issues and some of it is directly caused by my boyfriend who is 32 and some well alot of it stems from my rape off my step dad when i was younger i just feel lost. iv lost the positive carefree happy spirit i once was and as im 22 i dnt wana look back in a few years and realise that iv wasted my life fretting over silly things but that still make me really uncomfortable. oh and the boyfriend broke up with me today. may be for the best even tho i love him gives me chance to find myself again. thanks all

[CHANDLERS WISH]

You know, a lot of women have problems when their man watches Porn. You may have joined in for the want of knowing "it's okay", what happened to you by your Step Dad wasn't okay but sex is okay, love and intimacy is okay..

Stepping from one form of abuse to another, doesn't matter that the abuse is different, but an abuse is also very difficult to cope with, it's like you can't stop thinking about any of it, because you understand abuse. So yes, sweet, go and get councelling for both.

I assume that your "then" boyfriend also was aware of the pain you suffered and whilst it's good that he got help, he's hindering it still on you with Porn.. It's guidence and love and support that you need, not things thown at you constantly to remember.

I think your a wise girl, with her head screwed on the right way and the knowledge that you can let go of your past and I think you will.

I know 5 years is a long time, but you were only 17 when you met him and probably needed someone to love, he abused you as well, and is now with porn when he knows you don't like it and can't cope with it at present, he's not supportive of you so you are right.. Take this time to find you and what you want out of life and also go see someone and let it all out and heal from it all..

Then go look for Mr Right, he's out there love.

Stay in touch with us... See if we can help you on this journey.

CW

[happy ending]

honey you have suffered a lot of pain over the years, are you sure you arent staying with this guy out of habit or feeling you dont deserve better. you sound lost and insecure i hope things work out for you and the poor little girl you were, raped by someone you should have been able to trust.