[dontwantthistoend]

ugh. im sorry my reply is outdated. i didn't see there were so many replies to the initial question!

[ThexMrs]

How long do you think you can keep doing this before you get "caught"?

I don't know... Maybe I am trying to get caught. I do have a tendency to ruin relationships. I want to hurt them before they hurt me. I know how unhealthy that is. In reality, I never want to hurt anyone. It's a defense mechanism.

Another thing is that over the last year I've become very cocky. (I don't know why) I feel like if I lose someone all I have to do is bat my eyelashes, smile, joke about how I know they love me and they'll come back. It's worked before... *shrugs*

With as jealous as you get, you should be able to understand why this is a bad idea.

What makes you think this?

How would you feel if a man you cared for acted this way?

If I knew that would be the last time I ever saw him. (I've thought about this)

1. Do you love yourself?

2. Do you care for Jared?

3. When is enough ENOUGH...?

1. Yes, I love myself. I love who I am... Just not enough I guess.

2. I do care for Jared... Again, not enough I guess. I don't want to hurt him though.

3. When something really bad happens... I'm really trying now though.

Are you just keeping him for back up?

I've stated before that I really don't want to be alone. I don't think he is a backup though. Maybe at first, yes... I was going through a really hard breakup and he was there when I wanted him. Now though, I do care more than before. I really, really don't want to hurt him.

When he talked to me yesterday about his kids and his brother... I cried. I felt so bad for him and I think that is what it took for me to wake up. I felt his pain and I know all too well and too much about pain. I don't want to cause him any.

Is it because sub-consciously, you both kissed outside the loos but you felt "he rejected you" and so it was conclusive that you were going to get your way before the end of the night end of story... Sub-consciously.. You had to win.

Not at all... He didn't reject me. We kissed and went our separate ways for the time being. I had to pee and I wasn't going to make out and wet myself, lol. We were close most of the night. He did buy all of my drinks and hit on me.

And, do you really think you can BLAME alcohol the next day? It was the alcohol so you don't have to feel guilty towards Jarred?

Sigh... Alcohol is never a good excuse... I know this.

And, Ryan, yes Ryan, yet you recall going and finding him and cuddling him, wanting to turn what happened with him into "it's okay?"..

That I don't know the answer to. I think I just wanted a place to sleep that wasn't on the floor. Okay, okay... I do have a crush on him. I don't want anything to do with him anymore though.

Great, you wake up with a hangover, sore and alone...

Was it worth it?

Is it worth it?

Seriously?

No, no, no... It wasn't worth it in the end. Bleeding, bruises, headache, nausea, none of it was worth it. Not even the AMAZING sex. It was a scare for me. One I must've needed.

[caterpillar79]

Linds, how well can you handle alcohol? Looks to me like its effects on your head is lasting. Now, don't get me wrong. I am blunt...tough love.
My BF confided to me a while back that alcohol really makes his judgement poor even when he's already sober. It takes a couple of days, seriously, for its "effects" to fade off.

"I don't know... Maybe I am trying to get caught. I do have a tendency to ruin relationships. I want to hurt them before they hurt me. I know how unhealthy that is. In reality, I never want to hurt anyone. It's a defense mechanism."

I definitely hear you. But don't get stuck unto that mentality. All it boils down to is your determination to change it. Try hard to feed your mind and heart with positive thoughts. I am not indoctrinating, OK, but reading about Buddhism (as a way of life - the discipline) helped me understand myself more and redirect my energy into something more productive (though I fail at times). Try it.

[ThexMrs]

Ugh...

[xoxobaby]

Love isnt love unless its shared.

How do you feel about him ?

[ThexMrs]

Hmm... That's a good point.

How do I feel about him? I care for him. I love him as a person. I'm not IN love with him. I like spending time with him but it's so rare that we even see each other. Everytime we hang out I feel like we're starting over again. First date... You know? That I can't stand. He's a good person but... I'm waiting to see how good I guess. So far, not good enough.