[scottman11]

My girlfriend and I have been dating fro 8 months. I am madly in love with her. Unfortunately, we are currently long distance. I plan on proposing to her very soon. I am 33 and she is 28

So here is the delima:
She has a lot of guys friends which I have absolutely no problem with. My only request is that she doesnt sleep in the same house with any guys she has every had sex with after a night of drinking with out me around.

Once again, i take no issue with her having guy friends and hanging out with them or even crashing at their house as long as she hasnt had an intimate relationship with them. She has considered staying at this one friends house when she goes back to her home town. once again i had no problem about this because she said he was harmless and she never had never slept with him. She has "crashed" over his house numerous times before me and her started dating, maybe once again after we did. Well about a month ago i found out she had slept with him several times. I had asked her when she talking about this guy had she ever had sex with him or was anything more than friends, she had told me no, she would never did it, hes not her type etc. I have reiterated my stance on the guy freinds in general conversation or when she considered staying at a single guy freinds house and ask me if id be cool with it.


Well I told her l;ast week when it came up again that I had just recently found out she had slept with him several times and had been attached to him at one point a couple years ago. When I called her out on it and she finally admitted she did, i was a little hurt. I am not a jealous person and this isn't jealousy. I was just hurt that she lied to me about it. When it came to light, i asked her if she felt the least little bit of guilt about lying to me and she was stone cold and said no. she is still good friends with this guy and although she hasn't stayed at his house, it had always been an option she brings up when goes back home despite knowing my stance on said subject. My problem is simply that if she straight up lied about this, is she lying about other guys friends? Should i be worried? How can she not feel the least little bit guilty about lying to me ovver and over about it. I do not understand why she would lie about something in her past when i have been very upfront with direct questions about mine. I am not a judgmental person and she knows this. I have done things I have felt bad about in my past as well. However, i do not sleep in the same house after partying with women I have had sex with when i am in a relationship. I would also like to add that she has a tendecny to get blind drubk where she frogets whole parts of the night.

I guess my point is that even though this was before me, the guy is one of her "best friends" and she bold face lied to me about her past with this guy. I am just concerned that this may not be the only lie. also, she has no guilt about lying to me. Keep in mind ladies, i am a very liberal and non judgmental person about peoples past and she is fully aware of this. But lies, I take major issue with. I am concerned that she is very capable of lying to me period with no remorse.
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So ladies, what is you take on this? Am I being unreasonable? Should i be able to trust her? Should she feel the least bit of guilt about lying bold faced to the man she loves?

[CHANDLERS WISH]

When it came to light, i asked her if she felt the least little bit of guilt about lying to me and she was stone cold and said no. she is still good friends with this guy and although she hasn't stayed at his house, it had always been an option she brings up when goes back home despite knowing my stance on said subject

Well, that above comment says to me, "it's my business", I didn't cheat, I have no reason to feel bad, you make me feel that way...

The fact is she hasn't stayed at his house.

It's only been 8 months and we women, honestly, don't have to declare all that has previously happened in our lives, it shouldn't be a necessity.

She probably feels that although your non judgemental and easy on all of this, that she "couldn't" tell you that that person she had had relations with.

We worry alot about how guys think of these things.

You are a rare breed...

Guys that don't care if your friends with someone from the past is rare.

It's trust.

Just tell her that it's not an issue, you trust her, it doesn't matter whom she had previously slept with as this is "now" not the past and you have / hold, no jealousy, however, you prefer she just be honest if asked a question so your relationship can stay on the trust basis that relationships are built on.

CW

[caterpillar79]

In most cases, we women worry about sharing our past to our present guy for fear of rejection and/or abandonment. But for me, once the guy had shown his sincerity and loyalty with me, it is my duty to fill him in about my life, especially if I see him as a good candidate for a husband. And from there, it will be "take it or leave it" - this is me and my baggage. Can you put up with that?

[Hopeless Dork]

Women have a hard time being able to discuss prior sexual history because many times men don't REALLY want to know. They SAY they want to know, but they don't want to know...lol

Most guys besides some fetishists don't like to imagine their wife/gf being with other men, even if they know they are not virgins many would rather not hear the sorted details of what she did with others.

Men get a free pass on this most of the time, their sexual history is deemed "experience" they are a better lover because of it (BS of course) it makes them all macho to their guy pals etc.. and women tend to overlook a guys sexual past as him sewing his oats therefore its out of his system and now he can settle on down. (again BS of course lol)

Women on the other hand are by and large looked down upon with every knotch on their sexual history belt, the more knotches the more her "value" goes down in some mens (and even womens) shallow heads.

If a women had a "busy" past and changed her ways its less likely to be accepted or understood in the previous way I mentioned how it is for men. She's deemed a tramp and thus not marriage material etc.

Guys also tend to be more competitive with the men that their SO has slept with in the past: Was his penis bigger? Did he make you orgasm? Did he make you scream? They have a different level of insecurity with it than women because women are generally harder to please, most sex ends in orgasm for men and is definitely not always the case for women... thus men are generally insecure in this area and don't like to think of someone being 'better than them'.

I suggest to guys not to ask, the questions they can't handle the answers to and if their reactions to previous similiar questions have been less than fair, to not expect that all women are going to trust you enough to tell you the truth on matters of sexual history out of pure fear of losing you. They can sleep easy with little or no guilt because THEY know it was their past, THEY know who they are now and they don't think it fair to be judged in the way they would be for divulging those things.

In your case however... you asked about a SPECIFIC person, and if this person was 100% out of the picture, I could see her saying no to the guilt for the reasons listed above... but that was NOT the case. This is still a guy she has around her, so her not divulging the truth SHOULD have made her feel bad. It was sneaky and underhanded because knowledge of her sexual involvment with this guy would have an impact on how you feel about her spending time with him.

Lying about that and not feeling guilty about it is an indicator that you should not trust her, not now at least. Not until she can understand what she did was wrong and feel some kind of remorse for that and appologise. If she doesn't view what she did as a violation of your trust, what would stop her from doing the same thing again in the future?

The average woman in a relationship doesn't keep a laundry list of male friends to hang out with in your absense and sleep over at their houses. They just don't. Its disrespectful to you and your relationship and if she took that or even you seriously she wouldn't be doing it unless she was homeless or impaired or any other emergency that would force her into sleeping at these guys houses. If she is just choosing to do so, you might need to figure out if the relationship is as solid as you hope.

You sound like you love her, if she trully loves you she won't want to see you hurting and will alter her behavior in a fair way that you both can live with easier. If she makes no effort to do that, even slightly - you have to ask yourself if this is what you really want.

I've never asked my boyfriend the number of women he slept with, I only asked if we were going to be monogomous with each other early in our dating. When we run in to girls he knows I don't ask him if he slept with them, honestly I don't want to know. He doesn't ask me about my old old sex history, but he's aware of how many people I've slept with over the last several years in which I was 100% honest with him.

I wouldn't hang out with a guy I slept with years ago, I can't see why I would. And if for any reason I was doing that and he asked me the question I would answer truthfully because I love him, and I respect him and his feelings and the trust he has in me.

[WildChild]

Everyone's lifestyle is their own business until it runs into someone else's. Why the (sounds like) frequent need to "crash" at other people's places? Is she a drinking that much?

I agree with HD, the only thing I requested was monogamy. I neither need or want the details of past relationships unless he feels a need to share them, but if I found out he was 'hanging out' with or sleeping in ex gfs places I'd be very bothered by that.

The flat out lying is real concern. Regular association with exs is a little unusual. Trust is THE biggie in a relationship and it sounds like you need to see a much better level of it. If you marry what is likely to happen? Will she still be "crashing" at other people's places? Still be hanging out with exs? Still having nights out with heavy drinking? Generally the behavior you see as the relationship becomes more serious is what you will see after marriage. Is this what you want? Even if you are long distance, this doesn't sound like a woman who is serious about the relationship-not yet.

[whit4488]

leave her, i have been in a situation simular to yours. its attention, your obviously not giving her something she is looking for elsewhere. and honestly, it could be the fact that your a good guy and she yearns for something naughty and mysterious, a lot of women are like this when they are low in self esteem. she has cheated and lied, and if she was as serious about you as u were her, well then she wouldnt be crashing at guys houses. your marriage material...she's not. marry me instead lol!!!

[CHANDLERS WISH]

and she yearns for something naughty and mysterious, a lot of women are like this when they are low in self esteem

lol about marry you instead. Oi... for the record however, I like to be naughty and mysterious and I definately DON'T HAVE low sself esteem? WT?

CW

[Guest]

lol about marry you instead. Oi... for the record however, I like to be naughty and mysterious and I definately DON'T HAVE low sself esteem? WT?

CW

I think she means the girl in question likes "jerks" women that type like to the "thrill" of dating the bad boy type but want to get settled with a good guy. check out the monologue of Rosario Dawson in Clerks 2... she's TOTALLY right about girls that like "the bad boys"


scott: I am sorry to hear that your gf has betrayed your trust. I would get the full story of this. You're right about questioning her loyalty since you are so far apart. However, having a long distance relationship that is bound to happen. Being that she was stone cold and had no remorse or guilt when you brought it up should say something about how she values your relationship. Don't waste your time stressing over if she's hanging out at the guy's house. I say start treating the relationship casually and see what her reaction is.

[caterpillar79]

Wait a minute!

leave her, i have been in a situation simular to yours. its attention, your obviously not giving her something she is looking for elsewhere. and honestly, it could be the fact that your a good guy and she yearns for something naughty and mysterious, a lot of women are like this when they are low in self esteem. she has cheated and lied, and if she was as serious about you as u were her, well then she wouldnt be crashing at guys houses. your marriage material...she's not. marry me instead lol!!!

Aha! Self endorsement! Good luck, girl!

I personally don't equate being naughty and mysterious with lack of self-esteem. It actually go in the realm of being confident and clever. One has to have the guts to be such. On the contrary, the constant need for attention, affection and company is due to lack of self-esteem. OP's GF is showing these self-esteem issues by crashing in and getting drunk. She craves for attention, for the warmth and approval of others. Not healthy, not ready for a serious, committed relationship. She needs to grow - up.

Yep, marry Whit4488, instead! LOL! Kiddin'!

[Guest]

i fully support getting whit4488 and scott to get married...lol. jk!

Hey you never know!