[elise]

I have been married for 17 years, with 2 girls. About 8 years ago, i became umm rather horny. My hubby was not interested in sex at that time, stating he just wasn't horny. So, i went online with permission and met a man i have been lovers with for the last 7 years. i see him 2times a month and often have phone/cam sex with him. I have a real chemistry with this man and yet im not in love with him. However, my hubby is still not interested in sex, there are some erectile issue, he is not addressing(can't blame him, that is hard for a man), yet i still find im frustrated. i love him, our family, our home, and our life. He is a GREAT dad, and a good husband. The grass looks soo green on the other side. If our sex life was better than it would be perfect. However, to be honest with myself, im not sexually attracted to him anymore. Is it wrong to stay married to a man who u are not romantically in love with even though everything esle is good??

[caterpillar79]

When you married him, you promised him that you'll stay by his side for better or for worse, till death. This is the beginning of the "worse" (I think). The fact that you are having second thoughts about leaving looks to me like you are debating between your moral and spiritual values. Sometimes, being true to oneself defies all other standards set by our society. You are the only person who can answer that.

Ask yourself: which is more important? satisfying your sexual needs or keeping your family intact. I think, you can satisfy your sexual needs on your own, you just have to look and search on HOW to do it. There are various ways for him to satisfy you as well, if he is open to try new ways given his condition. It may or may not require medication...all it takes is a team effort from both of you and a medical practitioner.

Unless, you have already decided deep within on what to do, and just finding some sort of validation for that decision in this forum, I would rather stay with him and keep the family happy. That is just me. There are a lot of things that you can do to address your sexual desires, really. Search the web.

[caterpillar79]

And btw, you might find me contradicting myself (because I deserted my husband). I did it because he was abusing me, and this kind of "worse" is the kind that I couldn't take for life, so I came to the saturation point : I left.

For as long as abuse is not the issue, staying with him even though the "romantic" spark is gone, is OK. And you are the only one who can "decide" whether to put that spark back or not. I hope this helps.

[WildChild]

Really he should get in for a full physical, there could be all sorts of causes for this that could have more drastic results than no sex.

As for the rest, only you can make that choice. You need weigh the options carefully. Not being attracted anymore isn't surprising. Why would you be? He hasn't been a source of sexual activity for you for many years. I think most of us tend to be attracted where there is some level of response or allure(even if only imagined as with actors).

[elise]

Thank you both for your honest words. I do realize that my family is VERY important to me and my husband is my best friend. I wouldn't want to get old with just anyone. However, i am avery sexual person,somewhat kinky, and have found an outlet to satisfy myself. I guess i just wonder if anyone else has had this experience.. I have a conversation that marriage SHOULD include sexual relationship and should be good. I think i need to change my thinking on this subject as its driving me nutty!~: He has been to the doctor and he says its stress, has a stressful job, we have 2 girls under 4, very busy tiem in our lives... Yes i can somewhat satisfy myself however i do need that attraction and attention from a man, it makes me feel sexy, wanted and desired as a woman. Any other ideas, opinions are welcome.

[WildChild]

Not every relationship fits into some predetermined mold. I doubt it's just stress, not for 8 years. My recent ex had no interest and admitted that he really hadn't for years before we starting seeing each other - he just didn't think about it. That's not normal. Turned out he had testicular cancer and may have had a sort of revolving case, where it flared up and hid body fought it off and it flared up again.

Really 2x a month isn't much but I guess it gets you by? If this has worked for the past 7 years, what is changing now? Something has prompted you to come asking. Truth be told there are probably a number of people with similar arrangements for one reason or another. Are you comfortable with this? Is your husband? If so I wouldn't worry about it.

[caterpillar79]

Take WildChild's word for it. He might have other undetermined medical issues other than stress. Get a second opinion, and also find a counselor to help you both. There are other kinky and equally sexy activities that both of you can do (hope he's open to the idea).

Have you told him where feels good when he kisses you? I am in instant euphoria once my SO kisses me in my erogenous zones and I can orgasm by just him suckling my breasts, and a whole lot more (without penetration). Experiment with him. Tell him how important this is to you. He needs to know how you feel so he can do something. Problem is, what if after you've done your part, he goes: who cares?

I don't know...

[elise]

Yeah 2times a month just gets me by! LOL, my sex drive is very high and would like once a week. However, that would not work. Hubby has had a physical, nothing sowed up. He likes porn and seems to have his sex with the mags. I don't mind, and often feel we are just different sexually. I get the romance, from my lover, and often wish i had it from hubby. Sometimes i feel its too late to regain that, then again, perhaps not. I do not feel sexually attracted to him yet i do love him. Funny how life sends us curves we go hmmm to. I think thinking about it makes it worse, telling myself stores: im not in love with him etc" does not help the situation. Im in an inquiry as to what works and what doesn't. Thanks for all the advice

[WildChild]

this must be frustrating. Have you considered counseling? At least we live in a time when, in many parts of the world, you won't be drug of and locked up for having a 'creative' relationship. But you wouldn't be here asking about it if you were entirely happy with the situation. The fact that he has his porn points to an emotional rather than physical issue. How long will you be willing to live this way? I'd bet there are people who have done so all their adult lives, certainly many men have throughout history (having a mistress). Look up polyamoury. Might that be an option? At some point?

[caterpillar79]

How is everything going, Elise?