[mdraven380]

Hi, I just want to start by saying I'm new here and was hoping to get some support form you ladies.

I've been with my boyfriend 1yr and 3 months. We've been living together for 10 months now. Since I've been with him both my brother in law and sister passed away. Both of which I was very close to. Also I lost my mom almost 6 years ago. We were very close as I lived with her and took care of her while she was ill. I found her passed away in the livingroom and it was devestating to me.

So here is my problem, back in March only 3 moths after my sister passed awy my boyfriend tell me that his band might be going on tour for 3 weeks. I was in a vaulnerable state and flipped out by screaming and yelling. ( his band make no money0. The reason I flipped out was becasue I just didn't want to be without him. I'm still grieving lthe loss of my family memebers.

He started treating me bacly for the next two months after that. Saying things that I never heard him say before. THe had giving my his password to his music myspace account an told me to fix up the page for him. So I go on the account on May 19th only to find a e-mail dated April 18th that had never been opened . It was a love letter from his ex wife who is married and has been married for 10 years. I printed out the e-mail and confronted him with it and he lied to me say he had no contact with her.
Prior to him going out with me he had been going out with his ex wife behind her husbands back. He told her it could never work again and that he didn't lover her. He then started dating me.

Three days after finding the love e-mail my BF's ex wife calles me and threatens me. You see, I forwarded the love e-mail to her husband because my BF said that she was delusional and he had nothing to do with her. Well when the ex called me she said that he had texted her with a question about how to deal with people that are insecure and she answered him. Then he finally came clean and told me that they had been texting each other for months. She was complaing to him about her husband and said she wanted out of her marriage. My bf told his ex wife that he loves me and wanted our relationshipt to work.
To top it off this was all over the fact that I caused such a fuss about him possibly leaving for 3 weeks and now the band's tour has been cancelled so that was all for nothing.

Two months have gone by and me and his ex bicker back and forth by throughing snide comments to each other through myspace, ( what a deadly weapon.

My BF says he loves me and would never go back to her and that it was a stupid mistake.
My problem is that I'm having a hard time letting go of this and it is tearing me apart. My stomach hurts all the time, I have heartburn constantly I cant think of anything else as if I'm obsessed with what happend. He is trying to make things up to m e. He says there was only texting and no other contact until I sent her husband the e-mail then she freaked out and called my BF to tell him to make me stop.

I'm tormented and paranoid. Wondering if they still have contact with each other. He shows me the phone records but that doesn't make any difference bc it doesn't show texting.

I can't go through anyore lose right now. My father is also sick with an incurable disease called Mylofibrosis and is in the end stages of this disease.

The fear of anymore loss is almost unbearable. Everyone I love is dead or dying except for one sister and my niece.

my BF says he has no intentions of leaving me but I'm having a hard time believing him because he lied to me. He doesn not like confrontation of any form.


How do I trust again? How can I be sure he is not leading her on.
I feel like he has cheated on me emotionally.

Please help,
Thank you
mdraven

[WildChild]

You have had a lot to deal with and you recognize that you aren't acting completely rationally. Given all that has happened you should consider counseling. Having a trained, disinterested third party to talk with can really help. Another option would be to contact your local hospital for information about support groups. I bet they have several.

You are clinging and acting from fear, those can be relationship killers. The stuff with the ex is disturbing but you said yourself that the email the set that off had been unopened. Do they have any children together? It sounds like the ex acts from fear too.

You have to develop a support system, your bf can't carry it all and your can't handle it alone.

[Tina Lee]

I agree.

You have had alot to carry on your shoulders lately, and you can't carry that load alone. You need a counsellor or support group ( as wildchild already stated)

I am so sorry that you're going through this. This is more than anybody should have to endure. We are also here for you, should you need to talk.

I don't have anything more to add, just wanted to offer my support. Please consider Wildhild's suggestions.

[mdraven380]

Thank you both so much,
I am in grief counsoling. Have been since my mom passed.
No my BF and his ex do not have any children together. She is however relentless in pursueing him even though she is married and has been with the guy she left my bf for for a total of 15 years. My bf went out with her last year just to prove to her that there were no feeling left so he tells me but she can not accept the fact that he doesn't love her. She stated in her e-mail that she still loved him.

We had my sisters funeral the day after Christmas and the beggining of the year it seems that everyone had just dissapeared. No support, no one to really talk to so I just sat alone fore the winter months with only my bf and my other sister to talk with occasionally. It is still so hard to believe my sister is gone.

Why must my bf's ex pursue him still even though she knows he will never go back to her?
My counselor told me to concentrate on my dad right now since he may not be here much longer.
I'm just so sad. I never thought life would end up this way.
I have been through many bad relationships with guys. They all cheat on me and lie.
I really, really thought this one was different. Didn't know he would run to her,so to speak just because I wasn't giving him approval at the time. I thought when you love someone that you stand by them in times of need and especially sorrow.

[Hopeless Dork]

I wouldn't be surpised if your relationship with your bf is what sparked up the ex's re-interest in the first place. Some women desperately cling to that which they "can't" have. You'll see it on this board sometimes, a woman hears of her ex becoming engaged etc, and they feel the need to re-contact, to try to re-connect... they are in a last ditch effort to see if that person was for them before they are out of reach entirely.


But you can't worry yourself with her reasons, she could be bored, she could genuinly believe she loves them... who cares what she wants she is not a factor. You can drive yourself crazy worrying about whether or not he is still in touch with her but that is going to do nothing but make you sick (as you are well aware).

You can't control him, people can't be controlled. You have to accept the fact that you have NO power to stop him from leaving you if he should wish to do so, no power in stopping him from contacting his ex - if he had to resort to drastic measures, he could use other methods of communication than just texting, etc.

Don't let that lack of power and control freak you out, you should try to find the comfort in it. Know that he is a grown man and can do anything he doggone well pleases... and he chooses to be with you, everyday. You aren't forcing him to do so, you are his choice. Don't muddy the waters with the what if's and the past , see the crystal clear truth that if he didn't love you, he wouldn't be where he is right now (with you).

[mdraven380]

Hopeless Dork,
You are absolutely correct in everything that you said in your post and i do agree with you.
I suffer from anxiety attacks, panic attacks, post tramatic stress and ocd. All of which have been made worse by the loss of my sister and her husband. Now I'm facing the loss of my father too.
I will try my best to not think about what is already done. I have been taught that one person can not control anothers actions. Due to the ocd I have the compulsion to check on things all the time to see if everything is ok.
I have been abandoned many times and always fear it will happen again.
It is probably true that if my by didn't love me he wouldn't be here.
Thanks for your advise.

[CHANDLERS WISH]

Sweet, you say that that particular email was "un-opened"... I think therefore, he's telling you the truth..

With all you have gone through and how you react to "loss" perhaps he thought that by telling you she texts him, it would make things even harder for you, and so he decided not to tell you, that's not a lie ...

If you've always been lied and cheated on it's very hard to "trust" and you have to learn to do that, he's with you not her, she's un-happy with her marriage and so "goes back to the past", instead of getting on with the future, if that makes sense, it's her problem, not his and not yours...

Your boyfriend has been there, off course he's upset about the band that's a passion of yours, you have to also reach out and make strong friendships. Relying only on your boyfriend and your sister, means you will have anxiety if one needs to go from your life for a few days, or a few weeks....

You've carried too much on your shoulders for too long, and you will look for things to go wrong..

Take lots of deep breaths, try to avoid checking it's only hurting you for no reason..

He loves you.

CW

[mdraven380]

Aww CW, you make me feel so much better. Thank you so much!
For so long I have been in isolation. It feels so nice to have some new friends here.
Funny how things change. When I was growing up I was so attached to my mom and never not once spent any time alone. The most time I may have spent alone was when she went to bingo and then I was only alone for about an hour before my bf at the time would come over to keep me company till mom came home.
Then Aug 30th 2003 was when I found her passed away in the livingroom chair.
For 5 years after that I was alone more than I ever thought i would be but I had both of my sisters to talk to and I went to visit my sister Diane, once a week, my oldest sister Janet would have me up for dinner on Sundays sometimes and we talked on the phone everyday but it wasn't the same as having the most important person in my life here with me, my mom. My bf at the time was no support at all. in fact he broke up with me 5 months after my mom died then we got back together. Then we broke up again 2 years later for a month then go back together for the third time after him leaving me for the third time I said I had enough of that torture.
Every year since my mom passed someone close to me has died, well except for 2007 but 2008 made up for that.
Mom-2003
best friends dad-2004
friend-2005
aunt-2006
Brother in law and sister-2008
Mom used to ask me if I didn't like my own company and that's why I didn't want to be alone,lol.
She and my dad divorced after 38 years of marriage.
She was devastated but she was a strong woman and survived and went on to live the rest of her life the way she wanted.
I'm in limbo and have been for a long time now.
The reason I said my bf lied to me was because when I showed him the e-mail his ex sent I specifically asked him if he had been having contact with her of any kind he said"no" so I guess I considered that a lie.
Then he came clean after she called me.
If he would have come clean in the beginning I would have never sent her husband the e-mail. I felt as if my bf must have lead her on is some way for her to express such deep desire and love for him after being divored from him for 12 years.
He said that she was looking for "absolution"? I still do not understand what he means.
He said it means forgivness. He told me she would call him"emotionally retarded" in front of his family and embarrass him all the time. She always accused him of cheating and tried to take his music away from him. Then she has the nerve to show him support now? I guess that's easy for her to do since she is not with him. She told me on the phone"why do you think I left him? Because his music was more important then me". That is what she told me.
Now on myspace she tries to make it look like she has the perfect marriage and all is fine. She writes all kinds of stuff about liars and how since I revealed the truth to her husband that I'm the ugliest truth of all? It's like she wont accept resonsibility for her actions.
Now it would have been a completely different story if my bf would have said that him and his ex were friends and they spoke occasionally. I may have not liked it but at least I would have been aware.
But he has told me for a year now how he "hates" her and wouldn't go back to her if she was the last woman on earth? Just doesn't make sense.
I tell him everything. My ex husband called me from outta the blue after my brother in law died. That was the first time I spoke to him in 25 years! He was abusive and tried to murder me when I was married to him. I spoke to him on the phone only to find out if he was in the area or back home because I was terrified he would come to my house. If he had come to my house I was going to notify the police. I didn't have to tell my Bf but I did.
The fact that my bf contacted his ex first is what hurts the most.
I think I will get over it someday but it is just that it's on top of all this other hurt that makes it worse.
It's like a scab that keeps getting tore off and the wound can never heals.

[CHANDLERS WISH]

You know, you like being alone, you are okay with your own company and obviously your at an age where your mature, from the years you talk about, why not write a book?

I say this because there is a lot of closure you need to do I think, between deaths and bad ex-husband, and mis-trusts and anxiety, ....

And, yep, you have gained some friends now, in-fact me going to your page and be-friending you:...

As I said, it's easier "not to tell" than it is to tell sometimes...

We all get caught out, I would class that as a "white lie" not a lie, lie.

And, if you've broken up a few times but get back together, I again don't think you have anything to worry about.

You know that her "words" oon My-Space are there to hurt you, aren't you smarter than that? Don't read them... then you win not her.

She can't blame his "music" either on the reason, sure he probably wasn't around as much as she wanted and has a "passion" but then she should have found her own "passion" and this is what I am also telling you to do, find a "passion" something that you love and get out there and do it, you would be amazed also at what type of new friends you can make.

It takes a strong person to cope with the amount of deaths that you have coped with and guess what? Your still here aren't you, coping... Your strong.

There are free blog sites that you can create and write away... for others to read that have suffered like you, I think that is something your meant to do...

It doesn't have to have correct grammer etc, check out my writing lol. But, it's good for you and good for others to read.

Now you can also play in the lounge here and talk more and reach 33 posts and blog away here as well.

It may be "internet" and not "real" live people to be-friend but it is a start....


Just maybe that scab will then start healing.
CW

[mdraven380]

Thanks CW,
Funny you say I should write a book because that is what my boyfriend Scott told me to do.
The ex boyfriend of mine Brian was the one that kept breaking up with me and then we would get back together.
Scott has never broken up with me. I kicked him out for one day when his ex called my house because I was so angry with him but he never wanted to leave me. He wanted to work thing out.

You are such a great help to me and I look forward to getting on this messageboard now.

I will try the blog thing. I know what you mean about others reading blogs and it helping because that's how I feel when I read some of the others stories here.

I love photography and art was my passion. I'm currently trying to get enough photos together to possible start an online portfolio.

Thanks again for all your help