[CHANDLERS WISH]

Your putting a lot of blame on your husband.

She emailed him.
She kissed him back.
She did the "poor me" trick...

Councelling will allow him to open up more and say what problems you both may have, they are small hurdles to jump.

If you read more on this Forum, they didn't kiss, they left the wife, after having a year affair.

You have an opportunity to nip it in the bud.

Remember, he decided to tell you.
The "friend's" husband didn't want you to know, so what? He knows his wife is like this?
He told your Mother.

This is not a guy that deliberately wanted to hurt anyone, he hurt himself, because he was hurting already. He may have known he was going to comfort her, maybe it was you he really wanted to hold, but can't.

As i said, have a good think.. At the moment it's been 24hrs and your thinking only of how you feel.

She needs to be kicked to the curb, she instigated the whole thing, don't be nieve and think because he got in his truck and went there, he did... She started it, with the emails, the poor me.. Women aren't stupid.

Good luck, at least your going in the right directions... He doesn't deserve to be feeling bad for the rest of his life. If you love each other work out why he needed to feel loved.

CW

[momtopate]

CHANDLERS WISH, you have brought up some very valid points. I would love to be able to put more blame onto her, truly I would. I would like nothing better than to be able to blame her some for this. However, I can't do that, because he has told me that HE did all of this...he called her, he asked if he could come over, he went, he crossed the line. All she did, was be there for her friend when he called. Yes, they were talking about their relationships over emails, but come to find out, it was HIM that asked for her number, it was HIM that called her and asked if he could come over and it was HIM to moved in and kissed her...not the other way around. She simply said yes, that he could come over and talk and she did not make a move. That was my husband. I don't know that I can get over that. I know that you say that he really wanted to come to me, and that he couldn't...well, I have always been there to talk to him. He is always the first person that I go to. If he feels that he can't come to me, he needs to work on that. I would like nothing for than for us to talk about everything. It's sad that he can talk to her so easily and not to me. I am a good wife...I know that, he knows that. It will be a long time before I get that trust back from him and I truly don't know that I will ever fully trust him, ever again.

[Ahryin]

I still feel you are letting her off to easy..for one how do you know your husband isn't just taking the blunt of the responsibility because he feels guilty? Secondly "all she did is say YES" is still a big thing. For one...she knew he was married, she knew he was married to you!, What wife in her rite mind allows another womans husband into her home without his wife and without her husband being home? I don't even allow my SO's friends over! Ok...we are associates through him but you are HIS friend, not mine! Just because he kissed her doesn't mean she didn't kiss him back? Also what is HER husband saying about all of this? You know how to tell that she did wrong, felt wrong, is wrong...when she said not to tell you! Any woman in her right mind, who is truly innocent would stick by good morals which in this situation would be .... you need to speak to your wife, if she was really a friend she would have spoken to you as well! Your husband is taking all of the blame because he doesn't want the added conflict. thats what it seems like to me. You are to busy being upset with him and hurt at the situation that you aren't really seeing the clear and whole picture.

[momtopate]

Well, we have talked about it over and over and each time it feels like another knife is being stabbed into my heart. I have told him that it would make things so much easier if he would tell me that it was her that had part in it, that if I could put at least some of the blame on her, I could move on easier that if I felt that he was helping her and things got out of control, I would have a different way of thinking, but he asked her for her number, she didn't offer it...he admits that. He called her and asked to come over at his lunch, he admits this. He kissed her, she didn't kiss him...he admits this. Even with me begging him to please tell me something that she did wrong, and there is nothing. There were 8 of us...4 married couples. All friends, we all take vacations together, have game night, all our kids are friends, etc. So, I can see him reaching out to a friend, it is hard for guys to talk to guys, whatever...I can even see where he would reach out to her...but him calling her to and asking to come over? I can't get over that. My husband is not that guy...he is not the kind to ever cross the line...and now he IS that guy. All the other husband has to do, is forgive that his wife was there for our friend. He didn't go into the house. I am assuming that they were in the garage, but that, I don't know. I can't find the strenght to even ask where. I know it wasn't in the house, because I telling him that he had several chances to turn that truck around, he had the 10 second walk up to her door. He could have turned around and walked out of the house, and he said, "I didn't even go into her house" I realized that of course he couldn't go in, the kids were there. Then I said, "great, so you kissed her out on the street where everyone could see you?" and he said, "no" I said, "oh, in your truck, the truck that I ride in all the time?" and he said, "no" So, I am just assuming it was in her truck or her garage. But again, that is beside the point, other than he didn't actually go into her home, but that was probably because she didn't let him in. I think that she knew better. She is/was a good person. So, I think that she was probably a little on guard while he was there. It was my husband who made the mistake. He cried on her shoulder and not mine. He's not happy at work, he feels that nothing he ever does is good enough, he's being pulled in different directions (at work). But he still went to her, because he says that he doesn't want to add stress to my life and he doesn't want for me to worry. So, he goes and cheats? Well, that doesn't help my stress at all. He told me to leave this morning, but it is because of the son that he can't let me go. We shouldn't stay together because of him, but neither of us want to diappoint our child. He needs him as much as I do. We need each other, but not sure that this will ever be able to happen.

[LanaBear]

Out of curiosity, why did he tell you to leave this morning?

[Karma3]

You are in disbelief, confusion, betrayal, embarrassment.....it's not just the fact that your husband thought of cheating with another women, it was a women that eight of you are close with. The first step is to acknowlege that you both (you and your husband) want to continue with your marriage, if so, you will need to focus stickly on this. You can't sit and worry about what others are saying about you etc. Your friends are going to talk, but you are not married to your friends. The days of chumming around with this one particular couple is over, and as for getting together with the other couples, well, that may never happen again either. The point is, you need to decide if you and your husband are willing to stick this out together and resolve this whole issue and continue with your marriage. Be strong, YOU did nothing wrong....he did, so let him feel the guilt, betrayal and embarrassment of this and see if this can be mended, if you so choose.

[momtopate]

LanaBear, he told me to leave (go to my parents) because he knows that this is something that I will probably never forgive. It was one of the many fights we have had and if it weren't for our son, I probably would have gone...at least for a while, anyway. But, our son is about to start school, so it makes it hard just to up and go like that, plus the fact, that I don't want to do that to either of them. I told him to make sure that he truly means this and that he just wasn't saying it out of anger, because once I am gone, I am gone. We choose counseling instead.
Karma3, you are right, I am all of the above. I am so ANGRY and all I want to do is SCREAM all day...he is trying to be sweet, by holding me, stroking my hair, hugging me, etc...however, he is not SAYING anything to make me feel any better about this situation. He hasn't said words, really of any kind other than, "sorry". You know, I need words of encouragement from him that this will not happen again..any kind of words. I know that actions speak louder than words, but he knows that I don't trust him. He knows that when he is at work now, I worry if he is in contact with her, through emails, phone, etc. He was smart and didn't call her through his personal cell phone, so there is no record of it...of course, he did tell me a week later, but still, there is no way for me to see how much they have talked. I can't get into his emails, check phone records, etc. This might seem crazy to do, but I have been very honest with him and told him that I don't trust him and I have every right NOT to trust him...so wanting to go through his personal stuff is high on my list right now, but he has done it in a way that I can't. I just feel like throwing up all day...every second of the day I am thinking of this and I don't know how to move forward with my life. I do love him, I believe that he does love me, but I don't trust him at all...I don't know how to get that trust back and with him not talking, well, it makes it all the more difficult. I just feel like I am all alone here and I am about to go crazy with this feeling inside of me.

[tasha1133]

I am sorry to read through this, I am in the same boat. My husband kissed someone who was also my friend, I know exactly how you feel, and Its been almost a year now, remembering it all is still as painful as ever, but I have to say that I'm glad I'm trying to fix things and am working through it, I wish I could tell you things will be just fine, but I cant. I don't know how things are going to end up for myself either. But I'm sure we can get through this. And if you ever need to talk about it I'm just a PM away. I go online almost everyday so I'm here if you need me. I hope the first session goes well.

My thoughts and prayers are with you.

Tasha

[CHANDLERS WISH]

Karma3
You are in disbelief, confusion, betrayal

She emailed him.
She kissed him back.
She did the "poor me" trick...

LanaBear
why did he tell you to leave this morning?

your reply
because he knows that this is something that I will probably never forgive.

A man whom realises it's his fault will not ask you to leave...

A man whom realises it's his fault will bend backwards to make it up to you...

A man who takes all the blame is "hiding something"....

We, as women listen to their words and want to "believe" and as such, we go into denial.

She emailed him.

They talked alot.

Both are not happy in their life.

If I was to offer you any advice? Any at all? I would say guard your heart, it's about to be broken.

We can be so nieve... So nieve... But, if you look closer you can tell, you can see, nothing has been right for a while and as you state, it's for your son.

He has emotionally attached himself to this woman, it is his doing, his fault but she played in it as well as she needed as well, or else she would have picked the phone up and said darlin, you are my friend too, I have to tell you that he is sad and upset and you need to fix things and taken the risk of losing him as a friend.

She chose him.

You need to see why?

He asked you to leave.. Another ploy, ensuring his finances are in order, ensuring he is safe, ensuring he takes the blame and ensuring that he protects. HER.

Sorry..

I am not the only one feeling this...

It's in your words of denial.

I am so sorry sweet.

CW

[WildChild]

Having been cheated on (not talking kissing) several times by my first husband as well as by a live in who gave me an STD. I see this as at the threshold rather stepping across the line. I agree with CW though that saying You should leave is wrong. You and your child stay, if anyone goes - it's him. He betrayed the trust.

However unless he is chronic, as was my 1st ex, there are reasons why this happened that go beyond his misjudgement. You both have to take ownership of your roles in this. There had been problems, he didn't feel connected to you any longer. This is both your faults and you both have to either dedicate yourselves to solving it or you have to move on. If you can't own your contribution to the situation and let go of this, with the assurance that you will both work to rebuild the relationship, then ask him to leave now.