[momtopate]

after being together for 14 years and 10 years of marriage...my husband cheated on me. And with a friend at that. I am so lost and so confused. We have a 7 year old son, that we both adore and I just don't know what to do. He didn't sleep with her, he kissed her...but this seems to hurt just as bad. She called, and he came running to her rescue. He didn't even know her all that well, he knew her mostly through me, and I know her through another friend. She is also married with 3 beautiful kids. We were all friends. I am guessing that they are working on their marriage, even though, she of course, told my husband that she was leaving hers. I wasn't there, I don't know exactly what happened, but my husband felt a connection with her, one that he said he hasn't been getting with me and he kissed her. I can't believe that I am even typing this. I have no where to go and no where to turn. Since there were a group of us that were all friends, I don't know who I can trust. My family doesn't live here, only my husbands. I just don't know which way is up and which is down...my entire world crumbled with a matter of a few words. I don't expect anyone to truly be able to help me, I just needed to get this off of my chest...I don't know where to go from here...

[ariel571]

Hello...wow. I'm so sorry you are going through this. I don't have any useful advice- I think all you can do now is keep talking and find out about your feelings and see where that is taking you. Don't rush into anything. Just take a deep breath for now. I'm sure you are shocked... I feel as if you need strength and for someone to hold you now... I hope there is someone there who can wrap their arms around you and allow you to feel some safety and as if you are home. Whoever that might be... If not...I am sending those thoughts to you now.

[CHANDLERS WISH]

I wasn't there, I don't know exactly what happened, but my husband felt a connection with her, one that he said he hasn't been getting with me and he kissed her.

When someone speaks like this? They are actually "crying" out for help...

You don't need him... She did. You two have lost that closeness... He felt close.

You need to sit down with yourself first up and see why he feels this way and realise your side of errors and also, why you don't feel happy because your not, and why you feel that way and then you both need to sit down and seriously discuss this before he falls for someone else because he made a "serious" statement to you that you need to listen to or else your marriage will be over in the next 2 years or so....

It can't go on if one party is feeling lost, neglected, un-loved, in all and any department.

Think about this seriously.

CW

[Karma3]

You poor girl, I feel for you, what a shock that would have been. I have to ask, how the heck did all of this unfold...how do you know about "the kiss"? I agree with the previous posts, you need to sit him down and get to the bottom of this racket. What would possess him to go running to her needs.....and why did she call him of all people?? Are you sure it was just "a kiss"? I know how much you are hurting but you have a right to know the truth, so that you can figure out what to do next. Living a life of uncertainty after this is no way to live.

[WildChild]

This isn't the end of the world, it's upsetting but consider it a warning bell. What needs to change in your interaction, your relationship? Do you let your husband know how much you appreciate all that he does for you, even the little things? Do the two of you express your love and caring for each other?

It was a kiss, only a kiss. He told you about it. He could have hidden it and let whatever led up to the situation continue. Work with him, you can make a stronger more joyful relationship out of this.

[Ahryin]

I don't agree with Wild in the statement it was a kiss and only a kiss...my uncle once told me (when I made that same statement) "Prostitutes don't even kiss"
Though I do agree that he could have hidden it which to me seems as if he is TRYING to get your attention. There could be some very simple things you and him half to do to correct what ever it is thats lacking. When was the last time you and your husband went on a date? Had some personal time....regular dates with your husband to me should be manditory. Especially if you have kids! AT times women go into straight wife and mother mode. Which means you are focusing so much on taking care of the house and your child that everything becomes routine.
He went for the other woman because he was crying out for attention. Not saying that was the right thing to do at all but I'm sure he could have done more if he wanted to. Maybe he knew what he was doing was wrong and his love for you stopped him.
Normally I'm not an advocate for forgiveness when it comes to infidelity but there are some key points here that I think you should focus on...your husband was honest with you, which is rare..we see so many cases where the woman FOUND out, and found out to late to fix anything! Also he states very clearly that there was a connection he felt that he hasn't felt with you...which means he had time to think about what happened, which means it was eating at his concious....which means he loves you

[Joy]

Well first off...... this other woman is not your friend ... she is selfish. Cause her marriage is on the rocks she has the right to go around destroying other marriages as well. Men are all to often a sucker for the "victim".

This is a wake up call for you to revive the connection and love with your husband. If you guys (other than this lil obstacle) have a great life together and working on a great future.... find ways to celebrate your life and love for one another!

[momtopate]

Wow...I really appreciate all of your repsonses. I didn't know exactly what to expect, so I was surprised that so many of you took the time to read and reply. Thanks for that.

As for knowing it was just a kiss, yes he told me. Actually, the woman's dh didn't even want for my dh to tell me. He didn't want me hurt...he wanted to bare all this hurt for himself. However, my dh told another friend (there were 8 of us all total that hung out...4 couples) of ours what he had done and he told my dh that he had to tell me. My Dh had already decided to tell me, but I had left out of town with our son for the weekend, so he managed to wait to tell me until we got back. However, by that time, all of our friends knew, including my mom, which he called while I was on the road back home. I thought that she had called and he went running...well, it wasn't quite like that. She was emailing him and talking about her marriage and her life and he felt like he could relate to her. Went to her house and talked, and then kissed her. I couldn't believe that he actually got into the truck and drove over there, he had time to think about it while driving and he didn't care. He admits that at that time, he didn't care, he was only thinking of himself. He got there, I don't know how much talking he did (he was on his lunch break) and I know that he kissed her. She didn't initate it, he did. I can't get that out of my head...the emails, the drive, the walk up to the door, him holding her, and the kiss. Her kids were at home. If they weren't at home...how far would it have gone? Neither one of us has slept in over 30 hours and neither of us has eaten. He knows he was wrong, he's sorry, our friendships are ruined, our marriages are in shambles. I have no where to go, no one to really count on. All of our friends are reaching out to me and asking what can they do to help. They don't want us to end over this, but I don't know how to move on and trust him again. I will always wonder, if he will go back to her, go further with her or maybe even find someone else. He doesn't share things with me, he holds them in. He says that he doesn't want me to feel stressed or unhappy, so he doesn't talk to me and show me that he is having a hard time dealing with things, so instead, he held them in, while I was asking him, "talk to me, what is going on?" he chooses not to open up to me, he choose her. It was a mistake that he will have to live with the rest of his life. He doesn't think that I will ever forgive him, I think that he might be right, I don't know. The wound is still so fresh (Just found out less than 24 hours ago). But he says that he will never be able to forgive himself and he will have to look at me every day for the rest of his life and see that pain. I think that this is deserved, but I am biased. At any rate, we called the insurance, found a couple's therapist and our 1st appt is tomorrow. It's gonna be a long road.

[Ahryin]

Yes it is but together you can overcome all.....

It is clear to me that you love your husband and want your marriage to work, it is also clear to me that he also wants it to work. You are doing the right thing...however keep your friends and family OUT of your business!

To the chick that kissed your husband back....that didn't want you to know...I can't even say what I really want to say on this site because it will be horrible and blocked! It might get me kicked off the site. You will always find comfort and good opins on this site. I have learned that personally. I'm here if you want to talk, I'm sure others are as well. Take it one day at a time, but you should forgive your husband, he knows what he did is wrong and he is taking the steps to correct it so it never happens again.

You are both doing the right thing! You should take a peice of paper and on one side write down everything you love about your husband...on the other side write down everything that bothers you .... I'm sure the good will out weigh the bad!

You can email me any time you wish...I do mean any time... You have a good heart and so does your husband I know its hard but really try to forgive him...also a hug right about now would do both of you some good....he needs to know that you two will work through this together and men need to hear that its going to be ok some times...and it is going to be ok!

[LanaBear]

Oh hon - my heart breaks for you and I'm sure you are hurting.

The best thing to do is get going to counseling and find out WHY. Why can he not talk to you when you ask him things, why doesn't he want you to deal with things with him, but given the opportunity to talk with someone else, he ran to it and kissed her? You need to find out those reasons.

Marriage is a partnership, if he can't respect you and talk to you, it's not going to work. Get back down to the bare bones of the relationship and find out where it went wrong and get it back on track.

And DITCH the friend? She's worthless, IMHO.