[LanaBear]

Bottom line- she isn't over this guy yet. You need to let her go and let her figure her own things out. If you stick around, you're gonna end up getting hurt.

I agree here. I think she is extremely selfish.

And why oh why would you ever feel at a disadvantage against this DB who is still in contact with your girlfriend? He's 6 years older than you, you're still in school, you two are at different stages in your lives. I can tell you what, you've got more class than that guy any day...

[Hopeless Dork]

If it was just freinds she would have no problem telling you anything and everything. Freinds have things in common.
Tell her you care for her but you want her to be absolutely certain, therefore you are giving her, her freedom. Tell her you want her date "the freind" and be certain that is out of her system and that she should see anyone else she thinks she might be attracted to, In the meantime, you are equally free. If she protests, then you two have to have some mutually agreed upon limits and the old freind is off limits.

PERFECT perfect solution. Let her go, tell her you are doing so... tell her how much you are into her but that in your heart you haven't feel she's let this guy go yet, it would be the truth and it would be fair. She WILL protest because she doesn't want you open to seeing other people , so that WOULD give you the perfect opportunity to explain your expectations for the relationship ... i.e. you prefer she not speak to guys she use have sex with that broke her heart... etc. etc.

[Tony two tone]

Well tony, the way you describe your girlfriend... she sounds a bit self-centered. What are the things she does that make you feel loved and special, secure and the object of her desire? I mean besides tell you so... what are her actions like?

What are some of her qualities that you are in love with?

I love her because she is just as socially awkward as I am. We have the same interests and a lot of the same views. Also at my age it is very hard to find someone who doesn't smoke weed or do drugs, unless they are a religious type, which I am far from.

She is in fact very self centered. But she is also clingy, which makes me feel very loved and wanted. As soon as she gets out of work she calls and asks me to come over. I always do and stay there until she goes to bed.

The thing is when I am at work seems to be the time they make plans. I wouldn't have a problem with that normally since I am at work and i am unavailable, but it makes me very nervous. Like I cant even leave her side for one sec before she starts talking to him.

I think the next time his name is brought up. I'll have to have another serious chat with her. One that will hopefully resolve this cause this issue comes up every two weeks or so.

[Tony two tone]

I agree here. I think she is extremely selfish.

And why oh why would you ever feel at a disadvantage against this DB who is still in contact with your girlfriend? He's 6 years older than you, you're still in school, you two are at different stages in your lives. I can tell you what, you've got more class than that guy any day...

I think that is what I will do. Give her time to think about it and make a decision.

I hate to be stereotypical but I feel like I am at a disadvantage because ladies usually like an older man. One that will take care of her. He is alot more confident then I am, and much more louder and talkative. Its like this guy took advantage of her loneliness, and just wanted to be with a much younger girl.

[LanaBear]

I think that is what I will do. Give her time to think about it and make a decision.

I hate to be stereotypical but I feel like I am at a disadvantage because ladies usually like an older man. One that will take care of her. He is alot more confident then I am, and much more louder and talkative. Its like this guy took advantage of her loneliness, and just wanted to be with a much younger girl.

But that's no reason to let her walk over you about this... You need to build up that confidence. Confidence is a HUGE attraction to many women, read through some posts here and you'll see that is one of the top attractions.

Hit up OTYA and OG, those two spew confidence, they'll give you some some good things to ponder...

[Kallygirlie]

I'm sorry if I'm different here but I choose to see the good in people (which I do at fault and this I know). I just have to ask, why is it everyone automatically assumes people are lying? Like you said, she clingy. If she was really trying to do something behind your back, why would she want every free second with you? Why would she be planning to meet up with him when you're at work? Maybe she does want to remain just friend with him but doesn't want to take time away from you and her and like you said the plans usually fall through. do you know the reasons their plans fall through. why wouldn't she tell you she's talking to him now. Because you are accusing her still wanting him and which results in an argument (been there and yes I truely didnt want anymore arguments). What kind of friendship did they have outside of the benefit part? Does she have alot of friends or is he like one of the few? is it only this guy that you worry about or do you not like her being friends with any guys? there are alot of questions that should be asked before anyone should place judgment on this situation. We cant put bubble wrap on everything. Dating is taking risks with your heart. I just dont want you to end things with her and later find out she really was being honest. Have you yet asked her what it is about this one friendship that means so much to her. Who knows, she could suprise you with the answer to that.

[Guest]

I love her because she is just as socially awkward as I am. We have the same interests and a lot of the same views. Also at my age it is very hard to find someone who doesn't smoke weed or do drugs, unless they are a religious type, which I am far from.

And that's all fine- however you can find someone else who shares these same interests....who isn't going to cheat on you. You want help? PM me.

She is in fact very self centered.

A self centered person is not someone you want to have a relationship with. Relationships are give and take- self centered people, by nature, do not want to give. And they will take as long as you will put up with it.

But she is also clingy, which makes me feel very loved and wanted. As soon as she gets out of work she calls and asks me to come over. I always do and stay there until she goes to bed.

That's the wrong reason to be in a relationship. You're in this relationship because you think you need her. And now you're letting her use you.

The thing is when I am at work seems to be the time they make plans. Like I cant even leave her side for one sec before she starts talking to him.

That's what bothers me the most. You need to let her go. If you don't, I promise you, you'll be back here in a month with a post asking why she cheated on you.

[Tony two tone]

I'm sorry if I'm different here but I choose to see the good in people (which I do at fault and this I know). I just have to ask, why is it everyone automatically assumes people are lying? Like you said, she clingy. If she was really trying to do something behind your back, why would she want every free second with you? Why would she be planning to meet up with him when you're at work? Maybe she does want to remain just friend with him but doesn't want to take time away from you and her and like you said the plans usually fall through. do you know the reasons their plans fall through. why wouldn't she tell you she's talking to him now. Because you are accusing her still wanting him and which results in an argument (been there and yes I truely didnt want anymore arguments). What kind of friendship did they have outside of the benefit part? Does she have alot of friends or is he like one of the few? is it only this guy that you worry about or do you not like her being friends with any guys? there are alot of questions that should be asked before anyone should place judgment on this situation. We cant put bubble wrap on everything. Dating is taking risks with your heart. I just dont want you to end things with her and later find out she really was being honest. Have you yet asked her what it is about this one friendship that means so much to her. Who knows, she could suprise you with the answer to that.

I am really glad you have a different view. And greatly appreciate all the responses I have gotten.

To answer some of your questions:

Shes been living here in Florida for 2 yrs. Since then she has dated a few guys before me. Doesnt have to many friends down here. She has her Best friend(roommate), the guy this thread is about, and I. She still talks to her ex's back home in Michigan but this is the only one I am concerned with, if you can really call him an ex. All of her other ex's are from long ago, and doesn't talk to them nearly as much as this guy.

Their friendship outside of the "benefit" seemed very well. They went on a lot of road trips, and did alot of couple type stuff (batting cages, golfing range, etc).

I dont mind her talking to other guys. We work together on the weekends and I dont care that she talks to the other guys at all, its really just this one I am concerned with, knowing their history and how she wanted him.

So many things go through my mind trying to figure out why they talk to each other every morning and why he makes plans with her and then backs out. Like is he just trying to keep her interested? or Is he waiting for our relationship to up to pounce back to her? Or just why she still talks to a guy that she had sex with but doesnt love her back. I would imagine she would feel used. I might just be over thinking things with this last paragraph but it just shows how this is driving me crazy.

[Kallygirlie]

Honestly most of your answers dont suprise me. She doesn't have many friends so weather she liked this guy or not, he's been a good friend to her so she doesn't want to lose the only friendships she has. Did he use her, heck yeah he did. No ones saying he's a good guy when its comes to what he's doing but if they can turn the sexual feelings off then whats the harm in them being friends. The big if is if they can turn those feelings off. Do I believe he's trying to play with her now. Very much. Like I said before, the guy I was hooking up with prior to my boyfriend got upset, more like straight up PO'd at me for moving on and taking his easy piece away. Did he try to play the games, act like he liked me all of a sudden and wanted things with us now, yeah he did. I saw he's game for what it was and stayed with my man. truth is, while we were friends with benefits he was like my best friend. I was lving on my own, most of my friends had moved out of state. before he got married he used to make comments about how he thinks he let the right girl get away because I was the only person that was truely there for him but it we both knew at that point its was done. Yes it ws a confusing time when i first got with my man and the friend started playing but my boyfriend took the chance and trusted me which actually made me want to stay with him that much more. It's hard to say what going on with your girlfriend. No one is the same. Not everyone cheats and not everyone is honest. You know her better than anyone but I think you need to try to talk to her without arguing, or accusing. Just let her know you care deeply about her and you jsut want to keep a strong relationship. Ask her honestly how she feels. if she says she only wants you, then you have to decide to trust her or not. if you dont trust her then you shouldn't be in a relationship together. if you're willing to take the risk then take it. ask her if she could not hide the friendship from you if you promise not to get mad. Ask if you could meet the guy. the attitude you go in with is the attitude you're going to get back (most of the time)

[miny]

you know not always things are so black and white you can't just say "she lies" only because she said she doesn't have anything in common with this friend.maybe she meant that things have changed and she doesn't have so much in common with him anymore.
I think the real issue here is the reason you are insecure;only because he is older than you it doesn't make him better or more compatible with her. stop comparing youself with the other guy and you will see how soon she will stop comparing you. we all have previous love affairs but if you will be always focusing on the past and not on the present moment you will end up losing this girl. I understand your jealousy but, if you really want this relationship to work you should be focusing in it,not in other people. be more confident, show her how lucky she is to be loved by someone like you. and focus in youself and the qualities that you have.the more you will practice selfconfidence,the faster things will get better.