[chaosphynx]

Need some major help, my fiancee of 4+ years (engaged for 1) recently admitted to being unfaithful with a guy she works(ed) with. She claims that it started in February with him hitting on her (telling her she is hot, that he wants her, etc.) and that it ended in late June or early July (she cant quite remember...right). To make matters worse, this is the guy she was seeing 4 years ago when we got together, but ended it to be with me.

I have asked a million questions, and she claims she isnt lying, but during this time she lied to me about other stuff consistently. So I already feel insecure about what she tells me. Then she let the cat out of the bag that this was happening. She claims that from Feb to late May, she wasnt interested back, and that it was just him hitting on her, but she wouldnt say/do anything back. Then in late May until the beginning of July, she said she started to feel attracted back and began flirting (telling him she wants him, he's hot, etc.) back.

She is adamant that all that ever happened was saying things like that, he would slap her behind, hugging, an occasional kiss on the cheek, hanging out on breaks, a few text messages, and flirting back when she hadnt before. But she didnt stop it from happening, instead she said that for 3.5 months she would never say anything back, just say "thanks" or walk away. And then the last month she felt attracted back and began returning the gestures.

I dont know what to really believe, I love this girl with all my heart and want nothing more than to be with her, but at the same time; she always made me feel like she was the most faithful, trusting person Ive met/been with. She was even really paranoid about me doing these type of things when I wasnt, making it seem more so that she would never do those things to me if she was worried about them.

I want to believe that nothing else like sex or kissing happened, which she says never ever did, and she wouldnt. But why would it go on for so long? She said she felt bad and liked the attention he gave her more, but still came home to me everyday and told me that she loved me, etc. and acted like nothing was going on. I so hurt and confused, up until now, I never would have thought her to be like this, and she claims she never has before and regrets it alot. At the same time, I feel like I dont know if she is lying to me about the actual details of what happened cuz she lied to me about another situation (not cheating) for months before telling me the truth, and I was upset the whole time...said she lied cuz she didnt want to hurt me. Now says she never stopped loving me, always wanted to be with me, and that she cant believe she acted that way (everything she was paranoid about)....but how could it have gone on that long, and nothing else happened. I dont want to think this way, but I love her so much, but my heart also tells me I am probably being niave, and that more than what she said did happen.

Going crazy, cant stop thinking about it...and the fact that she let it go on for so long...even if she only said stuff back at the end for a month and then told him to leave her alone because she was starting to feel something for him, and didnt want to because she loved me, so she told him to back off.

Am I incredibly stupid? Maybe she is telling the truth? I dont know what to believe!!?!?!?

[stressed]

So, her ex and colleague suddenly started flirting with her a few months ago, she didn't give in at first but she eventually broke and gave in. But that's where her story ends. Did she stop flirting because she started having feelings for him? And to tell you this now... It seems to be very complicated.

It is understandable that you doubt her trust now, she should have told you what was going on from the beginning, let alone not respond to his flirting. It's an ex we are talking about, or at least they've known each other for a while, so it cannot be seen as innocent; they knew what they were getting into. If it was innocent then why would she bring it up now?

Unfaithful is a strong word to use, but she has certainly been keeping things from you.

It's kind of confusing though, because hanging out during breaks and hugging is not a crime, but if she felt the need to tell you all this then she might feel guilty about flirting.

Maybe if you could elaborate a little bit more about her past with this man and the reasons why this subject suddenly surfaced.

[jnd2009]

I'd say it sounds like she is lying. She couldn't hold it back to not tell you...but now she can't keep her lie straight. There may be some truth behind it, but definitely not a lot. Maybe she never lost feelings for him deep down and seeing him brought them back out and she may have acted on it?!

[CHANDLERS WISH]

The key I believe is how this information came out..

How did this conversation commence between you two?

Why did the converation commence?

I think knowing that may point more into the direction of an answer to you.

CW

[Hopeless Dork]

Not saying this is your fault in ANY WAY shape or form... her behavior was grossly innappropriate. I just have to ask after all your years together do YOU still tell her she's hot? Make her feel pretty and sexy?

I say this because this is how most guys will worm their way into even the most faithful womans heart , at least as far as flirting goes. When a guy forgets to remind their loved one how attractive they find her, and someone else DOES this... its hard not to enjoy that attention.

I am not saying its an excuse or that you didn't do those things for her, I am just saying that many women , myself included... need to feel appreciated, desire to feel pretty and wanted. I would never cheat on my boyfriend ... never.

He is very good at making me feel loved and wanted, and tells me I am sexy and I've noticed that now that he compliments me more... I care less about the attention I get from other men.

Back in the beginning of our relationship he never really told me those kinds of things and I would have to get that rush of feeling good about my appearance from strangers flirting. Once I told him it would mean a lot to me have him notice me as much as strangers do -- he got the point and now takes the time to notice a new outfit, new hairdo etc.

Even faithful men tend to notice pretty women, or look at porn, or what have you... and even faithful women get a thrill from being noticed as being a pretty women. I guess if one is harmless then so should be the other?

[caterpillar79]

...this is how most guys will worm their way into even the most faithful womans heart , at least as far as flirting goes. When a guy forgets to remind their loved one how attractive they find her, and someone else DOES this... its hard not to enjoy that attention.

I am not saying its an excuse or that you didn't do those things for her, I am just saying that many women , myself included... need to feel appreciated, desire to feel pretty and wanted.

I agree with HD here, but i am not telling you that her actions were acceptable. Assess how you did on this department.

Like the above posters, I will wait for further info on your part before I could give you a more accurate viewpoint on your situation.

[kms]

I'm curious why she didn't tell you when her ex first started hitting on her. If she wasn't interested, why would she say absolutely nothing to you about it? Why hide it if was something she didn't want?

Also, how long have they been working together? Why at that point did he start to hit on her, why not before (if they had worked together before then). And again, like the others said, how did this all come up anyway? Did she tell you everything at once, or did it come out slowly by you having to drag it out of her with questioning?

[white ant]

Well most girls cheat because they don't get enough attention from their loved ones. And most of them just cheat because they don't realise how lucky they are to not have to travel half the world to find a lover.

We are talking about her ex somebody who knows both her strong and weakness points, he knows what to say to make her smile, to make her blush etc. But point of the matter is he was once where you are with her, though you took the most important step of migrating from dating to being engaged. She might be lying to you because her stories don't add up and because you love her so much you are in denial. But hey? you guys are engaged surely you can work things out.Goodluck il be praying for you!

[Guest]

Well most girls cheat because they don't get enough attention from their loved ones. And most of them just cheat because they don't realise how lucky they are to not have to travel half the world to find a lover.

People cheat because their morals allow them to do so.

OP - Is that the kind of person you want to live with for the rest of your life?

[chaosphynx]

Thanks for all the feedback. The whole situation started when I got upset at her for lying about something completely unrelated, then I started to question some other things because I noticed that her reactions to me werent the same anymore, and at this point it was already supposedely done with (End of July). There was a period of time that I didnt say "you're hot" ,aor "I want you" as much, but always...told her how much I love her, before either of us left, the phone, beofre bed, aftewaking up, etc. I always tried to make her feel special by always waiting for her, opening doors for her, asking her what she wanted to do, always completely respectful of her.

Also, the things she did were the things she was paranoid about me doing in the past, and I always reassured her she is the only one for me. Then after a month or so of being upset, I felt that she was holding something back, not telling me the whole truth. I continued to question her, and on 10-30 she finally caved in and told me what I had feared all along. So he started hitting on her in Feb., this continued until the end of May without her saying or reciprocating the gestures back (so she says), then at the beginning of June she said she started to feel attracted back and begin saying that he was hot and that she wanted him back. This lasted for a month and then she said for him to leave her alone as it was affecting how she felt about me, and she didnt want that. However, she told him to back off at the beginning of July and she was willing to keep it a secret yet until I got upset about other things at the beginning of September....still lying to me....it took another 2 months for her to come clean....and this wouldve been 4 months since it ended. She says she felt really ashamed and didnt want to hurt me at any cost, but she can lie to my face with ease and choose to do so. not only that, he started hitting on her in Feb, why not tell me then if not interested? I dont understand how it could have gone on that long, and then afterwards, lie to me about it continuosly for months...all the way until a couple weeks ago, especially if nothing "sexual" ever happened...like I said the most that happened according to her was a kiss on the cheek a couple of times.

She says she cant believe she would act in all the ways she was fearful of me acting, when I didnt!!!! She says she regrets it, but she also says that if wouldnt have gotten upset earlier about other things...she probably wouldve never told me cuz she wanted to forget about it and move on. This all gets even more frustrating that during this time (Late september) on our anniversary, I begged her to tell me any and everything before that day, she swore up and down that she has, did, and always will. Then on our anniversary I proposed to her with the ring I had saved for all year and kept hidden since June...all such great timing.

Then, she accepted, reassured me some more, but I still felt like she was lying, so I still questioned her some more and about a month later, she spills it...and said that "she never wanted to hurt me, ever" She also said she felt "bad" the whole time it happened...but if she felt bad, why would she let it continue? She said she didnt wanted a relationshiop with him as he was in one as well, and she also said that she would never let herself let it go beyond that point that it was, so why continue if you wont let yourself (supposedly) even kiss him, still want to be with me, feel bad, and then be okay with lying about it for months???