[irishbynature65]

Hi everyone and thanks in advance for any advice

My husband ran into an old fling from college about a few months ago. He came and told me he was upset because she was "stalking" him after a few emails and she was posting on his Facebook (and he wanted me to know).

Some stalker? Hum. Well, I found that they were calling eachother and I said, "I thought she was bi-polar and you said stalking you..so why are you two talking on the phone?" He said she'd calmed down and was OK...and had "calmed down"...

Then,, I found the Text message where she was going to meet a man she wanted to maybe date and was asking his advice.

Her: Yeah, remember when I had this talk about you?
Him: You can trust me ..go meet him, you seem to like him...
Her...Smiles, I love you.
Him: I love you too. (Wink)
Her: Call me when you leave work.
Him: OK, will do.

????
I've never seen him say to use the word "Love" with another woman, and why all the lies about her being "a stalker" when he still talks to her, by text and phone?

Am I reading too much into this?

Thanks.

[caterpillar79]

I don't seem to trust your husband's claims on this. I would tell him how I feel and ask him about his take on this, considering my feelings. Telling the woman "i love you" and say she's a stalker? oh, c'mon...I don't buy that.

Sit him down and stand your ground. Don't let this go on further.

[WildChild]

Hummm, this could go either way. I would err on the side of trust but keep an eye out.

[Mes T]

Yeah, not cool. Definitely talk to him about it, NOW. It might not seem like a big deal to him, talking to someone like this, but ask him how he'd feel if the situation were reversed and YOU were the one talking like this to an old crush.

[caterpillar79]

BTW, OP...how did you "find" the text messages? Does your husband know of your latest discovery? If so, how did he react?

This is assuming you "looked" for the evidence, this only means you don't trust him on this aspect, and that it is giving you a lump on your throat and some irregular heartbeats. Don't lose more sleep on this. Like I said earlier, set him straight. You agreed to marry him, he agreed to compromise with your terms when he took the vow.

[CHANDLERS WISH]

Usually people cover their tracks when they are up to "no good" but that "no good" could be something simple whereby they feel that you "may" take it the wrong way.

I'm guessing you have free access to his phone that being that he is aware that you use it, may view it etc. Covering his tracks.

The conversation however, seems to be that she has "be-friended him" again and remembers past, hense the word love. He didn't use it, she did, he merely stated it back.

There is nothing wrong with being friends with your past ,but you need to pull him up on the "love you too", he's married and it's not acceptable giving false hopes as this would make her react in a way that makes her think that he is still "in-love" with her.

You also need to perhaps ask him to provide his home number, so he can talk openly with her in front of you, not necessarily for you to listen into but to show faith and trust and ask that she now dis-uses the mobile telephone.

See where that takes you in a conversation.

CW

[caterpillar79]

You are so diplomatic, CW. I think I am more on the "comando" mode. Wherein draw the line, I would say, and cut communication. Just me.

[kms]

It seems weird to me. How do you know that they were talking about a guy she was interested in? How did you figure out the context for that - did he tell you? Really, she could be talking about anyone; a client? A realtor? It seems weird that she'd be talking about a guy she wants to date and then say I love you to an ex. Seems to me that should be off limits because those words used to mean a whole lot more between them in the past.

Does he say "I love you" to other female friends? Does he say it to you? Does he say it to his family? Is it normal for him to say that, or does he use it rarely or sparingly?

Plus, CW, you said perhaps he was simply returning the favor since she said it first, but he added a 'wink,' as the OP mentioned. That's going a step further in my opinion... like he's trying to prove that he's serious about it.

[KMonte85]

I most definitely would not be comfortable with finding texts like that on my bf's phone. A think a discussion is looooooong overdue about his relationship with his ex, and how he need to have boundries because he is not with her and its not exactly appropriate for him to be saying 'i love you' to her, joking or not.

you don't need to bring this up in an accusatory way, because you really dont know that he was doing anything with this woman, but he does need to be brought up to speed on how his communication with other women can affect his relationship with you.

[stressed]

That text exchange is fishy. You can gather a little more evidence and then sit down and discuss it all with him. As if you just mention the texts he will complain about you not giving him any privacy and will deny that he meant it like that. So it's better to just give it a few more days.