[CHANDLERS WISH]

But I have put my feelings on hold and they seem to be frozen. I want so badly to fall in love with this person, but something in me just will not let it happen. I care deeply for him, but certainly can't tell him we have a future together, and that's what he wants to know. And to him a "future" together means marriage.....something I certainly cannot say I want at this point. Otherwise, he considers it a waste of time. Which is odd considering he has always said he didn't know if he ever wanted to get married either.

It's not odd. He may never want to get married but it's the conentation of it all, "
do you love me enough that you would marry me", that he needs / wants to know, because otherwise, I need to move on because you'll end it one day there's no point me getting hurt later, even worse and possibly from your other conversation with him, he may be extremely paranoid over that part.

Can I ask if you felt like this "always" in other relationships?

I think to find your "soul", you can go through many relationships until "the one" comes along and there is nothing you can see that you don't like, everything is almost, well perfect" and you can't imagine being without them... It shouldn't feel like that with every person you go out with, if that is the case with anyone, then they are really being blind and just want to believe so much in the word "love" that they will just be, marry and divorce...

It seems BD that you have critiria that you desire for a person to be in your life for the rest of their lives and as long as it's not a "big wish list of impossibilities" I think that's a good way to be.

Ask yourself, do you really " only have a form of love" and that's it, a deep care, but no "butterflies" or "deep missing him".. The inital spark left not long after it started?

Then I would call that lust and a deep connection of friendship from there but not marriage material...

I think we get all those feelings and they get stronger and stronger and stronger if we are with the right person unless you are totally blocking out the thoughts of future because there are things in your mind of what you desire in marriage that you and him don't have and in which case, are those things highly important? If so... it won't work, if not, you'll break that wall down bit by bit or should I say he will.



Nubiaqueen.

You should maybe start a thread But, it sounds like you have drive, ambitions, dreams, goals and he has none, just "I want to", but doesn't follow through with anything.

CW

[Ashlee T.]

WC - You definitely have the experience to back up your knowledge of a situation like this one. And I cannot thank you enough for being honest, not fearing sounding shallow ....because what you said, is so reflective of what I fear about the future and how I feel.

Hopeless Dork - I agree with your perception of what marriage should be. I'm not sure of your age, but it seems that the people that really feel the way I do are usually 40+. I'm 26.....so you can imagine that I feel "left out" when it comes to others my age. I'm the "weird one", the one that doesn't want the big white wedding if any wedding at all.

CW - You put his thoughts into perspective for me...and I get it now. It's not a matter of me actually marrying him, it's more that he wants to know that if I would get married, I would want it to be to him. But see, I can't say that at this point. When we really started to get to know each other, and I saw in him this insecure little boy with the best heart ever, that so desperately wants to be loved, that will do ANYTHING....but that needs constant guidance for everything because he fears doing something wrong = rejection.......I started to feel more of a responsibility, and less of a relationship. He is getting better about it, but it's been exhausting to me to constantly have to be the one making the plans, (he has never planned a night out for us....always wants me to decide because he doesn't want to pick something I won't like), the one making all the decisions etc. He will do ANYTHING I ask him to do......but it's exhausting to always have to tell someone what to do. And though he's improving, it has most certainly put a damper on my attraction for him as a "man", you know?
But when did my feelings go on standstill? The night we had a 3-4 hour discussion about how I never know what he's thinking....I never know if he's happy with something or not. This has even affected my desire to have sex with him. I know he loves sex, but he gives no feedback. ( My first (and only, believe it or not) oral sex (me being the giver)experience with him, I was on my period and trying to do my part to take care of my guy...so I push him into the bedroom and "perform". He laid there like a dead fish...never made a noise, never moved...and finally after no cum, I stopped and said "what's wrong?" and he said"nothing". At that point I was humiliated. I had never "failed" at oral sex before, but what worked with others didn't work with him. Fine.... but at least give me some guidance, let me know what you like let me know what you don't like....don't just lie there and let me end up with a sore mouth and not even a reward! Obviously by reward I mean making him cum. So, I was very upset at him for not saying a word and for causing me to feel humiliated....and I haven't done it since. )

Anywho (got off on a ramble there!) during this 3-4 hour discussion, after I expressed my concern that he never talked to me about anything, nothing about his childhood, about his mother, nothing....he began to admit that he bottles things up, that he carries a lot of resentment about his childhood, and thats when he told me his mother died from HD. He offered no explanation of what HD was. After the discussion, I was exhausted. I felt like a little girl again trying to counsel my father into sobriety...for hours....and hours....and hours.... trying to help someone, trying to make them see clearer, trying trying trying. But see, I've done it my whole life....try to "fix" things...and I told him that night that I'm done with that in my life...and that I do not have it in me to help "fix" him. It was that night that I think my feelings stopped growing.

I want so badly for those feelings to start up again...to be able to picture myself with him in the future. It's clear to me that he believes I'm the one.... but part of me thinks he just wants to be loved and I'm the closest thing he's had to that. I cannot fathom hurting him....I've thought of ending it because he's not getting from me what he deserves, but I always talk myself out of it.

It's so very clear to me that we are NOWHERE near even thinking about whether or not we'll marry each other. And yes CW, you're right...I do have expectations of what I must feel in order to spend my life with someone. He has part of that..and part of it he doesn't. And to me, this time in which we discover those things about each other are most definitely not a waste of time. And truly if he needs to know that I'd marry him....then I'll have to let him go, because I can't say that....and I won't be that person that tells lies just to keep someone around.

GAWSH that was long.

[CHANDLERS WISH]

LOL.

Feel better now?

I truly get that, it's like he's such a sweety and good to you, nice guy but not a "man" man, there's no charisma, therefore, difficulty having chemistry, there's no surprise, just "living and giving", and getting exhausted.

Off course your the be all and end all for him.. You are a dream.. You are there for him, "sorry" like a Mother figure.

He hasn't learned how to truly love and give and be strong...

Sad. But, your not the female version of a Knight in Shining Armour, if the Princess slipper doesn't fit, it doesn't fit, you can't kiss the Frog to turn him into a Prince.

I think I just went back to my childhood around 4 or something then in that paragraph haha.

He may come out more... and express more as he "trusts", only you can way up the good things that you love and whether they are enough to persevere and create him as an even better man.

They do say, behind every Man is a Strong Woman

Only you can decide that.

CW

[Ashlee T.]

Ha...yes actually I do feel better!! And I love the picture you painted with your childhood illustrations. We all can relate to those fairytale stories. And though humorous....true all the same. I have often referred to myself (when thinking about it) as "I feel like I'm the mother figure". that aspect is better than it was, but I still feel it. It's kind of hard to "unfeel" that once you've felt it.

You're right....once again. You and WC both. If I could just pack you two around with me all the time....

Thanks to everyone for listening to me endlessly vent about this. Everyones advice and even taking the time to respond means alot. You gals are the best.

[happy ending]

this thread is amazing of course you cant consider marriage until he is tested, that would be dishonest, and unrealistic of him to expect it. WC i felt angry on your behalf, i dont know why some men expect women to care for them when they dont return the favour. but in answer to the first question - no, and marriage is not about religon, love or whatever it was originally about property, ie making a woman the property of a man!