[Alaric]

Honestly , I'm not sure we would make civil conversational partners at a cocktail party. IN the throes of my emotional affair I did some 'manscaping' , cut the lawn and trimmed the ivy off the tree , as it were , to maybe spice things up and look different. Maybe toss a little variety into the mix and rekindle the sex life. She saw it and laughed her off because if I was "Trying to impress some dumb kid-she'll never see it. Why would she want a pathetic old f k like you?". I didn't mention that the 'dumb kid' offered to shave me. I tried to salvage my marraige while I was falling in love with somebody else. I tried. Honest to God , I tried.

[JustMe12]

Alaric, I don't have much to say, well because I am young (24) but I can say at my age I have been through a lot in my few relationships. I have been the one cheated on and this gave me a lot of experience and I learned so much I would never take it back. But, I can say from my experience seeing and finding out what exactly happened hurt very much. It didnt make anything better. Hearing them and then walking in on them, hearing the voicemails, reading the text meassges, all of that stuff never helped. Only after 2 years of putting up with this and trying to make things work and realizing they would never be the same did I finally leave. I would say you not saying all the details because you are think of other is unselfish for the reasons you're doing it. If it were for the other reasons than obviously not. You seem to be an intelligent man and know the answers just want the reassurance of your answers which is perfectly fine. I think youre doing fine and the right thing as long as you have the right intentions.

Btw the man I'm seeing now isnt 25 years my senior but is 12 years my senior. IMO its not about age, its about the maturity levels, if you "click", if those people know what they want, and if theyre willing to work through anything for what they want. Im a very stubborn person and Im willing to work through anything as long as I have the person I love working with me just as hard. Just my little opinion out there.

[CHANDLERS WISH]

Your wife is bitter and she is making you bitter. The marriage is obviously over if she is using words and comments like that and laughing at you.

That's not called for unless you really did everything out of your power to dis her all your life and now she hates you...

If she is just "not happy" fine, leave. She doesn't have to try to destroy your soul and she hasn't destroyed your heart...

I don't know how long you two haven't gotten along, nor why your still even together to be honest it's toxic..

I do agree though if she is saying these types of things to you, laughing at you, no point telling her about the 'emotional affair' she will only say worse things and tell her husband, out of spite not out of anger of the lady in question and because she loves you.. So there is no point.

It's different if it's a committed marriage that has gone haywire a little and consequently you needed an emotional affair to find out what you are missing in your life and can work with it.

It sounds like there's nothing there to work with and that your there, purely because you have a child? Teenager maybe? And, don't want leave the marriage until she's more secure with her life, or finances or both.

You really are beating yourself up though over what happened with the neighbour.

She offered to shave you down there herself? Cheeky young lady

Obviously, she also is un-happy in her marriage but there, I think anyway, you have to let her find her way herself, out of it, or still remaining in it. Then if she ever does leave and you both feel the same, you can take it from there, if that is what happens.

As I said, my Property Manager is 24, he is 60 "very old", but doesn't really look it, and she is more 35 mentally..

Stop beating yourself up, be proud that you did the right thing for now and work on how you can move on with your life and be happy for now.

Sounds to me she was a saviour for you in a way and you to her... On life, and how it goes when we aren't happy with our said partners.... But your not Adam and she's not Eve so the apple had to drop for now

CW

[Hopeless Dork]

You say you did the shaving thing to spice up things with your wife while you were falling in love with another woman... you also mention the woman you were falling in love with offered to shave you. You say your wife accused you of doing it for said lady....is she really that off base if the lady offered to shave you?

No offense to you, Aleric... I just think that manscaping in and of itself wouldn't rekindle/spice anything up for a woman that has lost feelings... since sex begins in the mind for most ladies.... any spicing up would have to start there.

[CHANDLERS WISH]

The difficulty of this thread is you skirt about your marriage

I can see what HD is stating, above but there's a reason why you thought that you could, try "again" with your wife, was it because you found something within yourself and thought it may re-spark?

I personally see only alot, alot of bitterness between you and her, is that what you wanted? to spark it with her again? Honestly?

[Alaric]

I found myself missing sex a lot and wouldn't feel right about doing it with anyone else. After several months without it , the shaving came up in conversation with the youngster as a preference of hers. I figured , what the heck , maybe the wife would like it too. I trimmed because I have no interest in actually shaving there. Act of desperation , which is what this whole mess has been. I made the attempt to have some of my needs met at home. I started to seriously consider going outside the home after that failed.
The wife and I are civil to each other day-to-day , and economics and our child keep us in the same home. Something will have to give. I won't spend the next several years of my life without sex.

[rcoreyus]

The longer you wait, the worse it will be to leave. I wouldn't even suggest you stay for the sake of your child - (he/she) will figure out that your wife doesn't love or respect you, and that is not something a child should see.

My suggestion: Ask your wife to go to a marriage counsellor with you. If she refuses (she will probably laugh it off), ask for a divorce (nicely, but don't back down). If she does, maybe a second opinion will help her see how unreasonable she is being, maybe not.

You don't want to live the rest of your life like this.

[CHANDLERS WISH]

Alaric, I am sure that's not the only time you've tried in those several months to gain intimacy from your wife, to no avail, or else several months would not have passed without sex, as well as her laughing at an attempt to do something sexy, regardless that it was someone else suggestion, from a conversation that probably laughed, jokingly, flirting to a degree that she would do it.

Bottom line is, you did it, not her.

Bottom line is, the thought of it, then turned into a thought of trying again with your wife.

So, in my opinion, it's all good. You obviously, from what you wrote do have Morals, someone else could have said, you did it and then dreamed of the neighbour, didn't touch your wife, you thought of your wife.

I agree with rcoreyus...

And, the whole reason why you even found "anyone" attractive is because your being neglected, put down and have no opportunity to "try" because every time you obviously do, it's not working, perhaps it's over.

I gather from what you wrote, you've never cheated on your wife sexually, you don't believe in it, but several months of being alone, un-loved, no sex, put downs, is going to make you search for "something", even then you stopped it and didn't go through with it.

It's natural to get so down and want.

But, you can't remain in something that is broken and can't be fixed. It's your life too, your young, your my age, we have a long way to go in life still...

CW

[Hopeless Dork]

I can understand a lack of sex leading you to have desires with other women.. if nothing else then to feel sexy, attractive, needed, wanted etc.

If my bf rejected me sexually I would be very depressed, not only because of not getting my needs met... but also just the feeling of not being desired would plummet my self-esteem. I probably would seek out attention from other men, not to cheat, but to feel attractive and better about myself. But not before bringing it to conversation with him and letting him know how I felt.

If you have, and I am sure you have... let your wife know how much you miss intimacy with her and she ignores that... I don't know how any one in a relationship can think that anything positive can stem from ignoring their loved ones wants and needs.

I think relationships are to make people better people... to have someone to support and someone to support you, someone to care for and be cared for by... this includes everything from housework to sex and I can't wrap my head around ever getting to a point where I am going to be selfish enough to think that my boyfriends needs don't matter and expect that he will go along with that happily. Nor could I ever imagine being happy with my needs not being met.

If she is denying you sex, or providing you with it begrudingly ocassionaly -- is that not passively aggressively asking you to go away? Asking you to become celebate in a marriage?

Did she ever enjoy sex? Does she enjoy other forms of intimacy? Cuddling, kissing, holding hands? Did you go the route of making sure she felt beautiful and sexy to you? Thats the mental part of sex I brought up earlier... if my guy was drooling around other women and not paying me attention then wanted sex I would not feel like having it. When I want it the most is when he's made me feel sexy and wanted, important and special. I think a lot of woman operate the similarly.

[Alaric]

I'll be starting a new job , with a better financial outlook than the one I've had the past 6 years. I'll be calling it quits at home soon enough. As for finding someone after that , I think I'll pass on that for a while. I've got a few issues to work out first. As messed up as this has been , I'll be a while getting over the one that got away.
Thanks again , guys.