[Kallygirlie]

I've been with my BF for a little over a yr and half and things have be amazing but for some reason, now It's like that spark is gone and I'm not talking about just the comfortable feeling. I stay awake many nights trying to figure it out. I love him so very much and I love the way he makes me feel.

our relationship was built on many hard times. He was my best friends ex boyfriend. We both tried to deny the feelings for her sake and well that didn't work. 5 months after we started talking, my mom was diagnosed with cancer, we saw each other every other month until we made us official. 2 months later my mom passed away. Then came the many stages of greif which hit me extremely hard. throw in 6 month long medical problems, then me getting laid off. so its been very stressful but we've gotten through it.

I try to figure it out. Could it be the fact that our sex life was forced to be turned off due to my medical issues cause now its like I'm just not interested as much. When we do finally do something I enjoy it very much, but it usually starts with me having to convince myself first (so not like us). Could it be how I feel about myself. This yr I've put on 50lb from depression after my mom passed away and I've been asked many times if I'm pregnant by strangers. I used to feel so confident infront of him but now I stay covered up (he is always telling me I'm beautiful). Since I got laid of, i just feel lazy and I hate it.

I know the way I feel is not his fault. He does everything right. he'll say something and I'll blow up and he just looks so defeated. I love him so much, and I want us to be us again but I just dont know how. I guess the first step is figuring out why Its like this to begin with. All I know is its bad to the point that on some days I just dont want to even be touched by him. again I dont know why because one of my favorite things about us is the way we can cuddle for hrs and just laugh and tease each other.

Its so frustrating

[CHANDLERS WISH]

Hey Krystal.

Sweet, you have been through so much during that time but he's been there for you all the way.

There comes a point where negativity, breeds, negativity. I don't think he cares about your weight but feelilng depressed, down, lazy, down and out, that's hard for him to take for 11 months huh.

I remember when my Mentor, My God Mother, My Grandmother, My love, My Mum, second, died...

I couldn't sleep with my Fiance. I kept feeling that she would be watching and it really sent me to the wall. I'm not saying your feeling this, you may not be as spiritual as me, she said she would find a way to say there is an after life and she did, she saved me from having a major accident

I am putting that out there, just in-case you are like that, think that.

My real thoughts though are your weight, it has caused you to feel un-attractive, don't touch me, but also, why that weight went on, depression, which you have to master.

I always smile when I look at that photo of you two together, there is so much life in it it's not funny. There were other issues, his Mother, his Sister .. There is so much happening but in reality they are all minor but to you they are all major, you are allowed to grieve, cry, but you have to learn to let go and you may need help to do that and you shouldn't feel horrid for doing so.

Your such a beautiful person inside and out and you want so much out of life but you've gone through a lot.

If you can't pull yourself out of this, get help so that you can.. I have a feeling this man is your man for life.

But, I have a feeling you need just a little help along the way to feel that beauty that you are.

And, that it's allright... It's okay... You will be allright... believe, see it, work it, you tried, your trying, don't be afraid to get some help to get you to that final step...

CW

[Kallygirlie]

actually you are so right CW. For many months after my mom passed, i wouldn't do anything with him because I thought Mom was watching. I still feel that way many times. I know with everything that I am that he's my future and I honestly am so thankful that my mom got to meet him and tell me how much she liked him.

I have said so many times that I need help. He's even said he agrees with me. He spent many nights worried I would do something to myself in the beginning because I would always tell him that I wish I was with her. I no longer say those things now and I truely believe that my Mom helped me see my life goals in the end. still tho,i haven't been the same since. I shut people out, I get angry. I've talked to my family and friends about getting help and they all say the same thing. I don't need help, I'll be fine, it just takes time, all a prefessional will do is load you with anti-depressants and bill you like crazy. So in the end I've ended up feeling like I'll be looked down on as being weak if I do get help.

When I look in the mirror, I dont see me. The girl that was so full of life. Him and I still have good times but not like we used to. We used to laugh so hard that we couldn't breath. Come on, we'd spend an hr fighting over giving each other raspberries....LOL!!! Those were our biggest fights and it was a great feeling. Just last night a women in the mall gives me the "aww are you expecting" and no matter how much he tries to tell me I dont look pregnant, in my head, a total stranger doesn't just come up with that for nothing. I'm about 40lbs bigger than I have ever been in my entire life and it makes me feel miserable. We joined a new gym that we can afford but its brand new and doesnt open until january 1.

I honestly think that its all burried deeper then I can even get to. I live my days like it never happened but with one word I can crumble. Just reading what you said CW, I cried.

There is no question, with out my bf I would be in a different place. He's stood by me the whole way. now that I'm without a job, getting prefessional help is out of the question because of the insurance thing. I've used grief sites before but they honestly just make me cry alot.

I want help, I know I need it and I'm terrified its gonna kill what we have together.

[CHANDLERS WISH]

I wrote a book? It's missing, lol. I lost it.

So shorter version.

I said there was an inner and outer you, so it doesn't surprise me that is what you think so think on this. This is how I got over it.

Would she really, really ever, ever, enter the bedroom knowing your boyfriend is there?

Ahha, no way

But she will walk next to you.

Your family are stating this hoping your strong enough but if you weren't (aren't) and advised them they would be there in seconds in understanding, they are trying to make you tough and trying to save you money that is all.

Do what you HAVE TO, there is nothing wrong with it, when you fall to the bottom it is sometimes almost impossible to get up, what makes that happen is what you have.

That inner voice saying I NEED IT... Then go take it, find a job even part time and talk to members of your family if you can, if not do it alone, but go and speak, you need to...

You aren't done.. Your just beginning to find again
CW

[happy ending]

honey you just sound like you have reached the end of your tether, with your grief and depression, the subsequent weight gain. you are unhappy and taking it out on the most convenient and safest person. it will pass, but just take care of yourself in the meantime. i feel for you.

[Kallygirlie]

CW, I think one thing i have an issue with in the bedroom is how I felt growing up. It's funny really but I used to hate the idea of being married because Mom would know I was having sex. LOL!!! Then when I did start having sex my mom floored me by telling me one day she knew I wasn't a virgin and then listed every guy I had been with. I was floored cause she was right. She just told me she could tell cause of the way I spoke about them. Talking about embarrassed!! My point, I'm pretty sure she would know when it was him and I private time way before it happened.

One huge problem i had during her being sick and after she passed is the pressure that was on me. I am the youngest of the family. I stepped up and moved home to care for her. When it started getting really bad and she started getting really sick, the family stopped coming over because it was hard seeing her like that. None of them thought that just maybe I needed to refresh myself. When she was passing away, my aunt told me my family needed me to be their rock. out of a large family 1 family member (the youngest of my brothers) told me to go home her final night on earth and he affored to stay in my place. Of course at that point their was no way i was walking away. for them to expect me to be strong and keep going is insane to me. all of them talked about mine and Moms relationship but none of them think this may be to much for me to just live on with.

as for getting a job. trust me when I say I'm trying. the job market sucks big time. I'm over qualified for the department stores part time jobs and under qualified for the office jobs around here. Office jobs here now require college degrees even tho i've been doing that work for yrs.

I honestly think Christmas is whats really got me in a funk. Christmas was mine and my moms favorite holiday. We were always shopping, decorating and watching holiday movies together. This is also the first yr I'll be staying at my own house for christmas eve. Even when I lived on my own, I stayed at my moms on christmas eve. \

I just gotta get it in my head that my honey is not the problem and that everything isn't as bad as i'm making it out to be. He doesn't deserve that and I dont deserve for him to still be madely in love with me when I treat him like that. He's dated selfish women before and I dont want to remind him of them.

[CHANDLERS WISH]

You were obviously, very close to your Mother, that's special, alot of girls have never had that opportunity, including me

I think you are right, your probably going through all sorts of emotions and "think" that you are "not allowed" to enjoy this time.

Think of what she would say to that? I think you know what she would say...

There was obviously a good intuition with her about you, because of your bond...

All I know is to me, if you "ask" for someone to be there they will, so go shopping, put that tree up together, in spirit...

Your allowed to grieve over this period but I'm glad that you understand that's what it is and that you have a fantastic person by your side, that is there for you, this time your not alone having to deal with things "on your own"...

CW

[pretzel]

CW is right on so many fronts.

I firmly believe that your boyfriend understands. He's standing by you because of who you really are. Give him the credit he deserves. It sounds like he cares very much for you and wants to be there for you because he feels it's worth it.

[Kallygirlie]

I know he understands. He's even shead tears with me when we talk about mine and my moms bond. It breaks his heart that he was not able to get close to the biggest part of my life. I spent many nights when she was sick talking to him. He was my biggest support which is why i decided having him in my life was more important than keeping the friendship of his ex.

CW you are an amazingly smart women. You hit the nail on the head. Something I haven't not been able to express to anyone in my family is that I dont feel like I am allowed to smile or enjoy things that Mom and I once enjoyed. for example, mine and moms favorite christmas movie was "its a wonderful life". I haven't been able to watch it since. My dad and I got in a horrible fight last christmas over how to decorate the tree because he wanted to change the way mom and i would do it. This yr I'm forcing myself to stay away from his tree to avoid that emotion and just decorate mine the way mine and moms would have looked. My sweets is competely ok with that. Today is my families traditional tree decorating day. the holiday season has so many hard days that lead up to it and thats why it gets really hard.

I'm tryin to move on by starting my own traditions with my honey. Like I'm planning a special christmas eve dinner for the 2 of us. Those are the things i'm trying to focus on but it never fails, my temper just goes crazy.

Just today him and I got into it over something I cant even remember. After about 2 mins i couldn't remember what I was mad about but yet was stayed mad. It kills me when he's trying so hard to not tick me off. I can see it in his eyes when i go off my rocker. He looks so upset and sorry. I gotta gain control over this mind of mine.

thanks so much to you all for caring

[CHANDLERS WISH]

I'm tryin to move on by starting my own traditions with my honey. Like I'm planning a special christmas eve dinner for the 2 of us.

Your now living, "two" lives, one for your family and finally one for you.

Guess what?

You exist too

So have both, see both for what they are and NEVER, stop being you Krystal.. You have nothing to feel guilty over, it would be what she would smile about whilst also in the understandment of how Dad feels and that you were able to deal with both, your Christmas with her and their Christmas with her....

Take care sweet and think on that.

CW