[girlyaustin]

First off, I'm née to the forum and decided to join to seek advice.
I have been together with my boyfried for almost four years. He's caring, nice, cute, educated, with a job and even clean. That's what
most women would want, uh?
Well, he's about 5 years older than me. We get along great, and we honestly love each other.
We do not live together because I am not ready for it. When we met, I had just started my masters program. After graduation, I really wanted to experience living alone for the first time without roommates. He has brought it up, but I like my space at the moment.
Anyways, we live about 4 mi from each other so we see each other everyday and spend most nights together, but having my own. Place gives the flexibility to have alone time and ha g out w my friends if I want to.
We are super even on everything. We pay for our own stuff all the time. No mixing money whatsoever. We even split restaurant bills.
Neither of us has any debt at all, and we both make about 70k each in Rexas, which is good money.
However, he doesn't like gifts. Although, I am so independent, I like tob feel take care of. Christmas, my birthday and my graduation all took within 20 days; my only gift was a small iPod. It may sound stupid, bu I feel I deserved better than that. He has the cash available, but it pains him to spend any of it on me.
I've been wanting a computer/document back for my work of about 1500. ; I can buy it myself, but I really wanted him to give it to me. It's not about way I can get from him, bu it's about feeling taken care of oce in a while. Anyways, i bought him a really cute watch, and he turned it down saying he doesn't appreciate expensive things like that and that he feels uncomfortable wearing it. It obviously implied he would never buy me some of the things I like.
I told him how I felt, and also said that he could save money over a year or two and don't get me any small gifts during all that time, and use the money to buy something that I really liked.
He took the message and bought me the bag, but when he gave it to me, he was shacking, obvioulsy uncomfortable and felt so unnatural. His attitude made me feel so undeserving, and I just didn't want it anymore coming from him.
Then he said all his friends thought ibwas crazy for wanting those gifts, so I ended up taking it back and telling him to use the money to buy new tires for his car, which he's been putting aside because he's cheap.
Am I just crazy?? Yesterday, i sat at the airport next to a businesswoman with a similar bag. I complemented it, and she responded: isn't my husband nice?
Am I just too materialistic? Asking for too much?

[Guest]

From what you say you don't sound materialistic perse, but you are travelling down a slippery slope.

Some of things you are saying could be construed as self centered. Just because you like to feel "taken care of" doesn't mean that he should oblige and shower you with gifts. Taken care of also implies an emotional component, sexual component and an intellectual component.

Some people dont' like receiving gifts. I personally do not. I feel that if I want something, I will buy it myself. If I can't afford it, i'm not going to ask someone else to buy it for me. He's probably the same way.

Look on the bright side...he's being very fair. He doesn't expect anything lavish from you. That's a very good sign...a sign that he is practicing what he preaches. It's just the way he is.

People perceive value in different ways...and if I don't feel something holds enough value in order to purchase myself, I just wouldn't feel right asking someone else to buy it for me no matter how much money they had.

You are probably going to have to get used to it. If it bugs you that much, you may have to move on.

I want to remind you that his love shouldn't manifest itself in what material things he buys you. It should become apparent through his actions of self lessness toward you.

Good luck.

[sourpuss]

You're independent. If you want/need something buy it.
But, let him know that you do want to feel appreciated. Does he show it in other ways? My ex was like that. In 6 years I rarely got a birthday or Christmas gift and he never bought me little things just for the heck of it. But he did cook me dinner every night.
Tell him it's not about material things, but the fact that you want to feel like he cares.

You also need to think about why material things are what makes you feel special. Maybe you're focusing on the wrong things. It obviously makes him uncomfortable. I understand, I hate when my boyfriend spends money on me. He always says he's never met someone so bent on NOT getting a gift. But when he comes by with a latte and a cookie, it really means a lot to me.

[WildChild]

Giving and receiving are integral parts of a relationship. While it shouldn't be about material things, gifts of material things are a way of showing caring, consideration and a desire and delight in pleasing a loved one. To refuse an appropriate gift or only give gifts grudgingly is, in my mind, a characture flaw.

You split Everything 50/50? All the time? No. Over all a relationship, whether romantic, business, friends or adult family, should balance out. Not everyone may give the same thing or at the same time though. One prepares a nice meal or treat at home, the other may buy dinner another time, one runs some errands, locates resource information, takes care of a forgotten bill for the other that is at deadline, the other repairs a car problem for their loved one. It creates a balance. Someone who in essence keeps a running tally sheet has issues.

What does he do that is loving and caring? I really have to wonder what is going on with someone who actually shakes when giving a gift. Was this anger, fear, what? .

[Guest]

To refuse an appropriate gift or only give gifts grudgingly is, in my mind, a characture flaw.

Agreed. But what do you buy for the person who already has everything they need and want?

My asking someone to kindly not worry about purchasing me a gift is selfless. It allows them to spend more time, effort, and money on someone who will probably appreciate the gesture more than I would.

You split Everything 50/50? All the time? No. Over all a relationship, whether romantic, business, friends or adult family, should balance out. Not everyone may give the same thing or at the same time though.

It certainly is a clinical way to do things, but I know folks who do it and their relationships function great. Certainly cuts down on fights about money, and makes sure that only very deliberate purchases are made.

Someone who in essence keeps a running tally sheet has issues.

I don't think so. At some point in a relationship whether it be social, business, or romantically inclined, you need to weigh whether or not it is worth it based on how much you give as compared with how much you are receiving out of the relationship. However, I agree in that it shouldn't only be material things or a dollar amount you put on the relationship.

I really have to wonder what is going on with someone who actually shakes when giving a gift. Was this anger, fear, what? .

I'm wondering that as well.

[stressed]

hmmm gifts shouldn't really be an issue. It is rather odd that he turned down your gift. You've been together for years after all. Maybe he did it because he thought that you bought him something fancy expecting him to buy you something similar back, as if you told him "see, this is what kind of gifts people give to each other!"
Maybe he wants to save money for a purpose and since he knows you can buy what you want yourself he could be finding it hard to choose the right gift.
You could explain to him your expectations and also listen to his views regarding gifts. But the bottom line is, gifts don't represent somebody's love. Some times we don't know what to buy about someone we love and end up buying something very silly without meaning to. I find it extremely difficult to buy gifts, others are experts on it. We're all a little bit different.

[WildChild]

Gifts may not be the end all issue but someone who can't give and can't receive is someone you can't really join with. Sounds more like parallel living, not much cross over. May work for some but wouldn't for me. The LOML doesn't do holidays but is still very giving and willing to receive - if it's presented right.

Gifts shouldn't be about whether you, "have everything", but a symbol of caring, consideration and affection. I know some multimillionaires who are quite capable of having whatever they want but love to receive a flowers or a specialy prepared dish. I gave one 2 dozen new laid eggs once (kept chickens once upon a time), that was something she couldn't easily get. It's about being open to receiving and appreciating others caring.

Aside from gifts and going out, is he generous with his time, loving and in other areas?

[girlyaustin]

Thanks for your replies. It's always been 50/50. That's how my parents are and I like that. It doesn't create money probelms and gives each other a sense of independence. We both make almost exactly the same amount, so it's fair. I never expect anyone to pay for my bills or anything. If I want something, I usually buy it immediately.
As far as romantic things, he's the one who is into that. I cook for him every now and then, but most nights we go out and have dinner paying half each. I don't like flowers and I don't care about exclusive restaurants or a spa. He likes those things, not me. Thus, I made reservations for Christmas dinner at a nice restaurant I know he will like.
I'm practical... I like things... He can't buy me clothes because I know my wardroe and my taste.
I admit I have made it difficult for him to buy me things since I'm hard to impress. Once, he tried buying me a bracelet for Valentine's after I gave him one for New Year's eve. However, his gift looked too big for my taste. I was honest and told him it was too big for my wrist. We went back to the jewler to try to find a second choice. I couldn't find anything that I like within the same price range, so he returned it and kept the money.
So, he likes simple things and even suggested setting up a max in what we can spend on each other...
I feel bad about it though. I really liked the bag, but felt horrible taking it. I can buy it anyday, but I also like to feel pampered every now and then... However, feeling pampered usually means a cute gift, which seem to be a hard thing for him.

[girlyaustin]

Aside from gifts and going out, is he generous with his time, loving and in other areas?

he is very sweet. Every morning for the past four years he's sent me a text message in the morning that says I love you or good morning honey or I hope you had a good night of sleep
he gives me plenty of attention
we love each other a lot

[Guest]

Girly, from your follow up posts...I don't see much of a problem here.

I don't think the difficulty lies in the money part of things, but rather in his ability (or lack thereof) to pick out an appropriate gift.

Some men find it tough to pick of girly gifts....and after the bracelet debacle he may be even more hesitant.

A lot of my male friends have been emailing me or asking me lately what I'm getting the lady for christmas....since they don't have many good ideas.

Ha - After giving out so many ideas...I'm running out of them myself.

Have a talk with him sometime if this continues to be something that comes up. He sounds more delicate than cheap.