[SweetP]

I think you made the right decision on the abortion. I know it is a very difficult decision to make.

Your BF may have wanted to be very careful not to look like he was trying to influence that decision. Maybe he didn't want to raise a child, but didn't want you to need to choose between him and the child. I can see how this could be a very confusing, stressful situation for him (and of course for you). I can see how the more he thought about it, the more tangled things got.

Please don't blame him for being unsure about what he wanted to do. A shallow person would have either left, or stayed without considering the implications. Someone who thinks and cares would realize how very difficult this situation is.

My anger towards him is fading because I do understand what a shock it was for him and it was so much for him to absorb. He was overwhelmed for sure. But what upsets me is how he changed, literally over night. He was so cold and insensitive to me. He could have been nicer to me due to my circumstances. I feel like he was just being selfish.

What confuses me is that Im not sure thats the real him. You know that saying on how if you put people through the ringer their true colors end up coming out. Maybe these are his true colors. You say a shallow person would have left but technically he did. I dont know if hes coming back. He even said he didnt know what stepping back means so maybe he is a shallow person that just left me. I know only time will tell but I do miss him. And I know in my heart that he misses me. But why is he staying away..

Even though it was a short time that we were together, we were falling for one another. Now how can that be forgotten just like that, for something that I had no control of..

[CHANDLERS WISH]

I think it's fair to say that when a new relationship starts it starts perhaps with chemistry, lust and then slowly turns into love.

I do think it was quite a cowardly way to walk... If I was interested in a lady, (you know what I mean), I would want to know what she has decided and consider from there.

I suspect he's either anti abortion and therefore "doesn't want to know", or that his friends etc have very much got into his ear and therefore, he has a little bit of growing up to do.

You are correct in my opinion, a "decent" man will at the very least hang about as a friend to help you through it all, or at least send an email, something to touch base and let you know they are thinking of you.

So, I guess, it is fair to say that you don't get ot know a person that quickly and the real person always comes out.

I am not denying the shock... Nor his dicision to to take time out personally to think, but I am feeling or swaying towards, that's not the right way to handle things and I hope he calls and shows he's more of a man than that.

Best wishes sweet....

How are you holding up after the abortion? Emotionally and Phsyically?

CW

[rcoreyus]

Hm, I have a different take on his reaction. I imagine he met a nice woman, they seemed to be getting along well - there was chemistry, liking, maybe love.

Then, she tells him she is pregnant by someone else. If it were me, all the following thoughts would be fighting in my head:

If I stay with her and fall in love and she keeps the child, I will wind up being the father of that child. I'm not ready for that, and it isn't my child anyway.

She will need someone more and more as time goes on. If she keeps the child it will be impossible to leave later - How could I leave a woman and child. If I stay now I'm committed forever, and I just am not ready for that.

She needs me and I should stay. But if I stay, all the above will happen.

An abortion is a decision a woman needs to make herself. If I stay, I won't be able to avoid letting her know my opinion, and it isn't fair to bias her decision that way.

And the ugly: Maybe she knew she was pregnant and is playing me. (I know someone that had something very similar happen to them). Maybe she is trying to use my own sense of duty to trap me into a life-long committment.


So - my guess is that if yo don't tell him about the abortion, he won't come back. It is up to you what you want to do.

[CHANDLERS WISH]

Mmmm, I re-read what I wrote and then what you wrote Corey... I believe that I added in "female" in mine, too much verses a male's mind, which isn't like me on the most part huh

I'm tending to read all that you wrote, noding on each paragraph..

It's so hard though because it's a "guessing game" but I kind of think that your making more sense of the whole scenario.

And the ugly: Maybe she knew she was pregnant and is playing me. (I know someone that had something very similar happen to them). Maybe she is trying to use my own sense of duty to trap me into a life-long committment.

This part is very true as well.. When I wrote "friends talking to him" that would be my guess of exactly what they would be saying, where as family would have said your other statements to him, if that be the case.

But:-

So - my guess is that if yo don't tell him about the abortion, he won't come back. It is up to you what you want to do.

This is very true as well. My point OP that you highlighted was exactly as I mean't it.. You aren't lonely you truly like this guy and want to confirm, establish how his mind thinks... You did that.

I think Corey is correct, in order to gain "proper" closure, tell him... Then see from there, then you truly know what to believe of him.

It reminds me also of storys I have heard in my life, where people "didn't talk" met up 20 years later and then discussed it all, only to find out "if only I had done that", he had thought this, etc....

Well said Corey and well thought out.

CW

[Hopeless Dork]

Sweet P,

While he may have been swept up with you in a whirlwind... as you were with him, feeling like he clicked with you feeling like there may be something special going on... its only been a month.

Theres a whole lot of tangles that were going on there that he may have felt that he needed to let you work out before he could find a way to try to deal with your decision.

He is probably said 'stepping back' rather than 'calling it quits'... because he IS into you, he just didn't want to invest his heart further until you had this very important issue settled...

I'd let him go head and step back and focus on yourself

[SweetP]

Its funny CW how us women see the situation so differently than men do. I totally agree with Corey as well.

Well Im happy to say Im doing very well physically and getting better emotionally. Im hanging in there. I just got my dream job and I start work next week. Im doing great right now thank God. I just really miss him now..

From what I know about him he is very introverted and he doesnt talk much about his feelings as much as I do. I really dont think hes talking to anybody about this situation because he is a very private person and he keeps his personal life to himself. So I doubt anyone is putting bad thoughts into his head. I feel that he does know what kind of a person I am, thats why he was falling for me. So as far as me "trapping him" I dont think he thought that at all.

I even told him at one point that I didnt have to tell him anything. Other women would have probably kept the secret, got an abortion and continued on with the relationship like nothing. Im not one of those women and I see a future with him so I want and need him to know everything about me. He did realize that and he was thankful that I was nothing but honest with him.

When we spoke last he began to tell me about his last relationship which was 2 years ago. He said that relationship "messed him up" because its not easy for him to open up and give himself fully to someone and he did. He loved this girl and it didnt work out and he was hurt. He hasnt felt like he could fall in love again until now. He said everything was moving so fast and hes crazy about me and thats how his last relationship started. So he admitted to me that he was scared. That takes a lot for a man to admit that and it meant a lot to me. But how could I respond to that when I was going through all this. I didnt respond the way I should have because I was going through my own issues. I cant stop thinking about that conversation because he told me he was scared, that explains it all I guess..

[SweetP]

So - my guess is that if yo don't tell him about the abortion, he won't come back. It is up to you what you want to do.

I kind of think this is true as well. Like I said he is a very introverted person that doesnt talk about his feelings so I dont see him calling me anytime soon to ask me what I decided to do. In no way does he want to influence any of my decisions and he let me know that. He said whatever I decide to do is the right decision because Only I decide. He told me to not listen to anybody and just listen to myself and my heart which I did.

I am focusing on myself right now. Im getting back on my feet and have a lot of goals I want to accomplish. Im leaving it alone for now. But if I dont hear from him Im planning to call him or email him just to let him know everything. I dont want to be those people that just leave things like that, I always need closure to move on. And if he doesnt come back after I told him everything then I guess he wasnt that into me. Time will tell I guess

[kira]

Lots of people would not come back if you kept the child. I would not come back. My husband would probably not come back. Very few would be ready for a child that early. Even fewer would be ready to raise someone elses child. That doesn't mean they are a bad person. That doesn't mean they won't treat you very well. It also doesn't mean they won't make a great parent some day. It simply means they don't want to be involved with going through a pregnancy and child with someone they hardly know or they don't want to raise someone else's child. Why is that bad? Of those that would stay many would do it out of guilt and the relationship probably wouldn't last long anyway. I think that's worse than being honest. The fact he hasn't outright said he will only stay if you have an abortion shows something positive to me. He probably isn't calling and asking because he doesn't want to start that conversation and he thinks you will call and tell him your decision. If you really were that close then I think you owe it to him to call him and tell him what happened.

No one has thought of one point of view here. We have not questioned if he is the type that is completely against abortions. It may be he actually was upset you were thinking about it and is afraid to ask plus doesn't know if he wants to stay if you do. Again we won't know until you talk to him. No one will know until you talk to him.

[SweetP]

Kira thank you for your input. I definitely do not blame him for not wanting to raise a child that wasnt his. I never expected him to do so and I wouldnt want our relationship to end up that way. So I fully understand that.

He isnt against abortion. He beleives that every woman has a right to choose. He was just surprised that I was so against it and then I was actually considering it. We havent discussed it further because it was such a sensitive topic especailly at that moment. Again he didnt want to be an influence in my decision. But youre right I do owe it to him to let him know. I just want to give him time to breathe because he was so overwhelmed. I hope it works out after we talk.

[CHANDLERS WISH]

Kira
No one has thought of one point of view here. We have not questioned if he is the type that is completely against abortions.

Chandlers Wish
I suspect he's either anti abortion and therefore "doesn't want to know", or that his friends etc have very much got into his ear and therefore, he has a little bit of growing up to do.

Sweet P
Its funny CW how us women see the situation so differently than men do. I totally agree with Corey as well.

I know... I try very hard to think about the "situation" not from a female or a males perpsective as one, but as both... But you know, sometimes it's not that easy,that's why I kind of got thrown over Corey's reply because that made sense too

I'm glad he's not against abortions, it had to be asked, because were guessing at the end of the day as to why?

But, I somehow think now that you've added more in That, the pregnancy bought home too close of the past, and his fears of relationships.

I'm also glad that your going to let him know what decision you made.

I hope that he realises that pain is part of life, and chances, risks are also.. And, that he should take a chance on this relationship

Let us know... and good luck....

CW