[pretzel]

Starting off with depression and adding in menopause and alcohol, you have a mess to deal with. Would she consider seeing a doc to do a full physical and re-evaluate her needs? It can take some tweeking but HRT may help and weaning her off the antidepressants may be a good idea. She really should leave alcohol out of the mix.

I'm just starting Dr. Christiane Northrup's book, The Wisdom of Menopause. She used to practice here in my city but is apparently in Maine these days. Her books earlier books were wonderful, so I have high expectations for this one. Anyway, you are a reader, you might want to take a look at this one. As you've pointed out, men go through it right alongside the women in their lives. (we ladies have noticed many man go through a form of it too). You'd think with all the boomers hitting this, it would be one of the most discussed and researched areas!

Sorry, mdreaven didn't mean to hijack.

Not to continue with the hijack, but WC, been there, done that, would be a miracle if it happened.

Interesting point though to bring this back on topic and that's the relationship between depression and alcohol. Be aware that depression isn't just "feeling blue" as most would call it. Depression can take different forms. Alcohol deepens one's depression. There was a point in time when my first marriage was having difficulties that I was on an anti-depressant. It wasn't so much as feeling blue, I just couldn't get my mind to slow down enough to have cognizant thoughts. The antidepressant allowed me to control it until my body recalibrated itself.

Maybe if mdraven's bf is willing to take a look (actually both should) if the weekend bar routines and other events where they are doing more than just casual drinking isn't a contributing factor.

[WildChild]

Yeah, parenting is tough.
Women have been dealing with this for years. They are His kids, it's His home. Maybe his kids need to pitch in?

[Joy]

thank you pretzel and WC.

Narcassit and the mommyho defintion sound about right to me.
I just keep noticing how mantipulative he is and always turns things around so it's not his fault. How things are a double standard with him. He can't always explain himself either. The first time I met his mom she got my phone number from the phone book and called me. She wanted to tell me that when my bf was young he was in a school for "slow" children and how he was such a great guy and she wanted me to be patient with him. I thought this was strange. Kinda like she was making sure she could find someone who would put up with him. He was with his ex for 13yrs and they have a 9 yr old daughter together. He raises his ex's 15 yr old son to a previous marriage. He was never married to his ex because he said he didn't feel right about it. He told me that he couldn't stand her yet he took car of her. He said she was lazy, never cleaned the house never took care of herself or the kids so he told he he wished she would go find someone else. So se ended up cheating on him and they broke up and got back together several times after that. Somtimes I feel like he says all the same things to me that all my other ex's said.
I thought to myself that if my bf told me to go find someone esle I sure wouldn't stick around either. Then he said he was shocked when his ex did find someone else.
He says he loves me because i do so much for him and I'm a good person.
I have such mixed emotions right now.
I don't even want to tell him I love him anymore just to see if he will tell me first. But I watch how he is with his mom and his sisters. They all play these games with each other. Holding out to see who will talk to who first.
My family was never ever like that. We were very close. I could depend on then no matter what. I could trust them no matter what. All I have left is one sister and my niece. I really wanted to find a man that I could count on to be there for me, mostly emotionally. Maybe I'm asking for too much?
You would think after 30yrs of bad relationships I would know by now. But I just keep trying over and over again.
If you truely love someone I don't think you can replace them whether the die or just leave.
I swore to myself taht after the last break up with my ex I wasn't going to tell another guy that I love him. But I got caught up in the moment and I really felt that way.
It's like he just likes seeing me be unsure so he knows he's got me. Just a few nights ago he said to me"please don't ever leave me". Almost begging me. He told me he wanted to be with me forever? and that he loves me. Now after our last arguement he also brought up the fact that he had to "crawl back to me 3 times already". I wasn't keeping count. He made me feel like he didn't want me around at those times so I said I'd leave. Then he throws it in my face how many people I've slept with even though I never told him. He just contradicts himself all the time and I eve watched him do it with the kids too.
He says he took care of his ex for 13 yrs but here I am giving 110% and feeling like it's still not good enough.

I just got out of this type of situation the constant roller coaster of emotions. always wanting me to feel unsure, unbalanced on were i stood with him. Constant complaining of x's, family memebers that played games, pushing me away kicking me out of the home and then wanting me to move back because he was wrong and realized. Manipulative ect ect.

Its been 3 months and he still wants me to move home - I won't why would I. I vowed 2 years ago when it happend that if he ever kicked me out again that I would never be back and I would nver put myself in the position again. I love him very much but I have to think of me first.

Wild child gave me the exact same xample of naccisists and its so true.

[mdraven380]

One clear msg I gather from your posts is that your boyfriend has an obvious difficulty in communicating his emotions effectively.

It sounds (at least from what his mom has said) that this has been a life long struggle for him and that anyone that wants to maintain a relationship with him will need a great deal of patience. Someone like that is VERY difficult to have a constructive serious discussion with, because things will get said that are very destructive and contradictory.

From what I am reading in your posts, it seems like when he needs to air out his feelings, he can't do so without getting angry and frustrated and ultimately saying some very rude things to you. He may mean them, he may not. But that's not really what is at issue... it's that he has this problem, and you've already felt the brunt of it to the extent that you're now conflicted about where to take this relationship.

Have you tried having a conversation with him about his communication skills? He might already know, if it has been a life long struggle for him. But it may help if you bring it up, so that he can recognize what he's doing and try to improve. A relationship with little/no constructive communication will eventually break down, as I think you are seeing now. He needs to work on this if you two want to keep a healthy relationship!

What I do is listen to my bf when he is trying to explain something then I repeat it and see if I'm correct with what he was trying to tell me. He takes forever just to tell ya something but I listen patiently then repeat in my own words to see if I got it right. When he is in a good mood he is very loving,kind,affectionate & thoughtful. That is why I stay amongst other things. I'm not perfect and I accept that no one is and I want to make things work with him. So I will try my best to get to know him better so we can work through things.

[CHANDLERS WISH]

We do not allowed rudeness on this Forum, sorry that you had to reply to that mdraven.

Do you think that he maybe stressed over all of this? Off course your assisting, what woman doesn't but I think that work, kids, a relationship, housework, it's all being juggled and it may be overwhelming a little for him.

It seems that "when he is in a good mood" that he's fine, I would class his good mood as being non-stressed...

WC brings up a good point, perhaps they are assisting in creating the mess and not assisting in helping him as well around the house.


CW

[mdraven380]

We do not allowed rudeness on this Forum, sorry that you had to reply to that mdraven.

Do you think that he maybe stressed over all of this? Off course your assisting, what woman doesn't but I think that work, kids, a relationship, housework, it's all being juggled and it may be overwhelming a little for him.

It seems that "when he is in a good mood" that he's fine, I would class his good mood as being non-stressed...

WC brings up a good point, perhaps they are assisting in creating the mess and not assisting in helping him as well around the house.


CW

Thanks CW,
Yes he is stressed about money and the kids never listen to him when he tells them to clean up after themselves. His daughter outright defies him. But I don't say a word because I feel it is his buisness to handle.
We are really learning about each other now. He says that it scares him when I say I'm going to leave the relationship when things go wrong and that he thinks I have my guard up. I probably do. Most of our arguements occur when we are drinking. I know some of its my fault too because I never gave myself time to heal from the last breakup. I did notice that my bf does really like to be in control. I figure this really isn't a problem since we will probably never be married or even live together. I have my own house and I just spent a lot of money fixing things up, getting new furnitur and carpet. I wouldn't give it up for anyone. I feel so fortunate have been able to receive all that I have. If it wasn't for my mother and father I'd have none of this. They left it to me and my sisters. Material things do not and can never replace my loved ones. I miss them so much. I'm just still trying to find my place in this world. I will never have any children of my own because my time has passed but I accept my bf's and try to take care of them the best I can.
I pray everyday for peace of mind. I am happy that I have all the things I have and still have loved ones in my life. There have been so many changes over the passed few years that sometimes it's hard to adjust even if some of it is good.
We are getting along now. I just panic as soon as I think I'm going to lose him. I've lost so many people that mean so much to me as I'm sure so many other have as well in this world and on this messageboard.

Sorry to ramble so.

[mdraven380]

I just got out of this type of situation the constant roller coaster of emotions. always wanting me to feel unsure, unbalanced on were i stood with him. Constant complaining of x's, family memebers that played games, pushing me away kicking me out of the home and then wanting me to move back because he was wrong and realized. Manipulative ect ect.

Its been 3 months and he still wants me to move home - I won't why would I. I vowed 2 years ago when it happend that if he ever kicked me out again that I would never be back and I would nver put myself in the position again. I love him very much but I have to think of me first.

Wild child gave me the exact same xample of naccisists and its so true.

Joy, I'm sorry you had to go through that.
This is exactly the reason why I keep my own home even though I know that I will probably live here alone the rest of my life. It's better than taking a chance at losing everything just to have someone kick me out of their place.

[mdraven380]

Yeah, parenting is tough.
Women have been dealing with this for years. They are His kids, it's His home. Maybe his kids need to pitch in?

Most of the time they totally disregard anything he says.
He screams at them and it reminds me so much of my dad so I figure if I can help as much as I can then he won't be so angry and it will smooth things over.
Plus the fact that I feel a lot of times like I have no purpose here in life so I want to help others as much as I can.
I have no children of my own so I try my best to treat his with love and respect.

[mdraven380]

Not to continue with the hijack, but WC, been there, done that, would be a miracle if it happened.

Interesting point though to bring this back on topic and that's the relationship between depression and alcohol. Be aware that depression isn't just "feeling blue" as most would call it. Depression can take different forms. Alcohol deepens one's depression. There was a point in time when my first marriage was having difficulties that I was on an anti-depressant. It wasn't so much as feeling blue, I just couldn't get my mind to slow down enough to have cognizant thoughts. The antidepressant allowed me to control it until my body recalibrated itself.

Maybe if mdraven's bf is willing to take a look (actually both should) if the weekend bar routines and other events where they are doing more than just casual drinking isn't a contributing factor.

I know this is definitely a contributing factor but I don't want to loose him and he insists on going Thur,Fri & Sat. It's really hard sometimes for me to keep up with all that drinking and I know I don't have to but I do it so that I can be with him.
It does make me feel awfully depressed the next day. I feel happy when I'm drinking but really pay the price the next day if I over do it.

[CHANDLERS WISH]

mdraven,

Yes, you did enter into a relationship quickly, so yes you are going to have your guard up but you know what? Don't, let it down.. Or else it will create havoc. What ever will be will be, the main thing is, is that you were ABLE to move on and you NEED to move on

It seems the kids are spinning his life a tad out of control, but only he can fix that and it is stress, so try to ignore it and take it for what it is, nothing to do with you...

As you get to know them more, him more, you may be able to lighten things up whereby they "want" to help "you"..

Instead of the drink un-winding him it sounds like it heightens his anger, so this you probably need to curve though as this relates to you and him

CW