[x.st.angel.x]

Yeah i think its something to work on...get to know how someone works as well as who they are

[Sprite]

Yes, that is very true.

I think it's something we all have to work on!

[x.st.angel.x]

I think compromising also comes into it as well.

But does he mention anything about cheating in this book? a reason for it? or reasons....

[Sprite]

I'm sure he does in Chapter 6 or 10. Once I get there, I will let you know what he says.

[Guest]

well i think there are a few things going on.

first off, not all men are like this. some are better than others with emotional issues, and others not so good. i think a lot has to do with what may have happened in their childhood and has scarred them in one way or another.

this is a generalization, but it is based on what I have seen over the years. men seem to get more emotionally hurt over certain things than women do, and they have a harder time showing it. some retreat into themselves, afraid of being hurt even more. others retreat into themselves hoping the woman would come after them and show, and thereby prove to them, that he means something to her - whether it be romantically, emotionally, or even just as a good friend. and some retreat as a way of punishing themselves for who knows what reason. i think the last kind are more likely to get involved in self hating/self destructive/risky behavior, such as pills, alcohol, random sex with others, etc. they are searching for a way (albeit unhealthy) to try and feel better.

as for the cheating, that depends on the issues surrounding it, and i do believe that there is a difference between cheaters, and someone who cheats given a certain set of circumstances.

in your case maybe it was part of a self-hating/risky behavior thing, trying to punish himself. idk.

there are a bunch of reasons why people cheat. some are wrong place at wrong time, as we have seen some people in the forums write about. others were cheaters all along and it was just a matter of when.

i dont know which one yours was, but i'd guess the self-hating thing.

idk, just my thoughts...

[Hopeless Dork]

I think, in my heart... that if a person TRULY meant the words they are using in the appology (especially when it comes after being CAUGHT and not coming forward on their own) they wouldn't have a thing to appologize for.

When you really care about someone else, the last thing you want to do is break their heart. I think a person that acts with blatant disregaurd for that, might SAY they care... but probably doesn't even know what that means.

So if they don't mean it, why do they say it? Why after doing something to hurt someone... do they appologize, realize what a mistake they have made?

Could be they want to prove to themselves they are capable of getting away with something. Could be they don't like to lose, even when they throw the game. Could be they want their cake and to eat it too and don't like the prospect of not being able to do that.

Its not that I don't believe in forgiveness I do. But I also believe in gauging how someone feels about you not on the words they say but the actions they make.

Just my opinion

[Guest]

. . .

My quesstion is, why put someone you care for through all that?? then apologise? Why not just not do it in the first place...etc?

. . .

Discuss....

forgot to answer that one.

this is gonna sound weird, but i have no doubt that he does have feelings for you, does love you, does miss you, does care about you, etc.

but part of the self loathing bit fits right in with the "He has been texting me saying he's so so sorry and he misses me yet we cant be together."

because something in his mind is saying to him "why put someone you care for through all that?"

i know someone personally who has done this several times (not the cheating part) and has pushed a friend away, because they were hurting over something, tried talking about it, didnt want to continue to be hurt, also didnt want to hurt the other person, and thought that just cutting the rope would be the easiest thing to do for everyone.

but it never was. it's hard to cut the rope on someone you really care about.

BECAUSE:

Many people will walk in and out of your life, but only true friends will leave footprints in your heart...

and

How lucky I am to have known someone who was so hard to say goodbye to...

are very true statements. even when it may be the right thing to do, its hard to cut the rope.

the sad thing is that if people were able to communicate their feelings, and able to have an adult conversation, say things and be willing to listen to each other and understand what each other is saying instead of getting angry when they hear something that makes them feel bad, cutting the rope would never be the right thing to do.

[Hopeless Dork]

After reading sperosi's comment it brought to mind that I don't think anyone is truly a monster. Deep down most people want to do the right thing. I think a person saying 'we can't be together right now' is their way of doing the right thing. If they know they are likely capable of hurting someone again... its the braver and more good-natured thing to do, to let the other party go, rather than worm their way back in to cause more pain later.

[Guest]

After reading sperosi's comment it brought to mind that I don't think anyone is truly a monster. Deep down most people want to do the right thing. I think a person saying 'we can't be together right now' is their way of doing the right thing. If they know they are likely capable of hurting someone again... its the braver and more good-natured thing to do, to let the other party go, rather than worm their way back in to cause more pain later.

thats exactly it. the problem is that they can still have very strong feelings for the other person, and that person for them, get back in contact, and until the issues are resolved, put themselves on to a emotional roller coaster ride that can last for a long time, start and stop over and over, and end up emotionally damaging one or the both of them more than if they had just been able to talk things out.

yes some people are monsters, i have absolutely no doubt about that what so ever.

but some people are just damaged, try to do the right thing, still have very strong feelings for others, and just dont plain old know what to do.

[sourpuss]

Okay well I would like to discuss the chapter two, which is based on how men and women deal with their problems.

John states that 'Men become increasingly focused and withdrawn while women become increasingly overwhelmed and emotionally involved.'

Have you guys ever noticed that men never really talk about their problems...unless he is seeking advice or pushing the blame onto someone else?

I think the main problem with this is that women like to talk about their problems with a woman they trust because it makes them feel better, whereas when they tell a man about their problem, he automatically will think that the woman is seeking his advice or blaming him for her problems...when that is not true, she is just getting everything off her chest. But when a man doesn't talk about his problems and goes off into 'hibernation' whilst he sorts them out, the woman always thinks she has done something wrong for him to be that unsociable with her and she may not be getting the quality attention she deserves, or she may feel that he doesn't trust her, when that isn't the case at all.

What do all you ladies think about this? Has any of you actually figured this out already?

I just figured that out in the last few weeks. (with lots of talking it out with my boyfriend) He didn't realize that I was taking it personally, I didn't realize it was just stress and not something I did.