[newhere808]

but as i said b4 he hasnt done it again. he hasnt been physical since i came back. so he is doing alot better. i just need teh emotional part back. every one of my friends say im searching and hopi ng for something that isnt there. but i dont think thats true. would you walk out on you hubby or wife if they became an alcoholic or try to help first? i think hes trying i just need help not thinking about the past how can i do that

I misunderstood your original post then, I though you said that you caught another round of phone-sex bills a short time ago. If you really do want to move forward with him the only way I know of is to completely forgive him and let the whole thing go, that's the only way I know of to not let past actions weigh in on future decisions (though in my personal opinion I think doing so would be a bad choice). I'm not at all surprised your having a hard time doing as much, as it was a pretty terrible situation to have to deal with, and anything that happens that is similar to what has happened will more than likely remind you of past events.

If your gonna decide to trust him, and give him another shot, then you need to deal from that position with a clean slate, and not make decisions/comments/choices based on what happened, and hope that he doesn't betray your decision to trust him again.

In your example of leaving a spouse with a disease, the answer is no, I wouldn't. But if after years of working with her, her trying and getting clean, and going back to the bottle, and getting clean and going back to the bottle, then it's very clear to me that it's not an issue of disease or addiction to be overcome, it's a matter of personal choice to stay where she is in life, and you cannot force someone to WANT to change.

Sorry if i'm being overly blunt, I do truly hope that whatever path you decide things work out best for you and your daughter, and if possible, your spouse

[Lizzy girl]

And thats what i need to do is totaly forgive him but i cant. every time he is driving to work and doesnt want to talk to me i think of the days when he said that yet he called them or talked to other women. whenhe sneaks outta bed so quietly he doesnt wake me i think he going to watch porn or when he wants me to goto the store instead of him i think of what happened. I want to forgive him so how can i what do i say to him so he will believe me. cuz i tell him im trying to believe him he says he doesnt beleive me, and i dont blame him its obvious im struggling with it very hard. so i need that initial step how do i start getting over it. i know i cant ever just Forget about it because it devasted me to the point of sickness. but how do i mend things to save our marriage. if he wantedthat stuff more than me why would he beg nme back why not get a woman who likes the same things>? but no he wanted me and he hasnt done anything like that yet im still a nut case ii feel. so what do i tell him so he beleives i truely am trying and more so what steps do i take to heal me and our marriage>?

[newhere808]

Well as much as I would love to tell you the 'how' behind doing such a thing, I can't, I don't think anyone could tell you what mental process you need to take to get to where you wanna be. Your still distrustful of him, and I don't blame you, but getting back to where you can trust him is not gonna happen over night, and he should not be shocked, not should he blame you if you are still a little cautious. Him changing his actions should have nothing to do with whether or not you just flat-out trust him again, he needs to, and should be aware that your trust is something he needs to earn back, and you need to be willing to give it to him.

It's gonna take time and commitment from the both of you, there is no easy fix for an issue this big unless you wanna truely just pretend like the whole thing never happened but even if you could I don't think you'd want to.

[Lizzy girl]

do you mean for what just happened? he apologized and he tried to be a little ... well ya know he didnt try anything today really cuz i made him mad. but as for what he did in the past and makingthat better, he doesnt watch porn any more he doesnt call hotlines sex lines or meet singles lines. so he did change there. he said hes going to try to be more affectionate. and show me that he cares and aknowledges im here. and we will see about that i hope he does, im sure he will. i know he wants me if he didnt he wouldnt of begged me back for 8 solid montsh over and over night after night right? y waste his time just to go down the same road. hes not a man of sensless repetion. so im sure ell get there. what do you think he should be doing>? S.P? I dont want to be smother just recognized thast all appreciated. adn loved on. i think he will i have hope am i dumb for thinking that? isnt that what a good wife should want? to make her marriage work? plus being roman catholic im not one to believe in divorce.

[Lizzy girl]

Every problem in a relationship can be solved and if he doesnt get it through his thick skull theres always accidental death!! LMAO. im only kidding ONLY KIDDING i would nevr. but thats what my g-f said and i giggled it made me laugh

[newhere808]

do you mean for what just happened?

I mean for everything, everything that's happened that causes you to doubt him. Given how things have went between the two of you, your well aware that an apology is nothing but words unless the person puts action behind it, and the sincerity of his apology is something that he will need to prove to you, now and years from now, an he shouldn't be shocked by that given the gravity of what he did to you.

Your situation reminds me a lot of girl I knew, her husband would treat her like a convinience item, be loving to her when it suited him, neglect her more often than not, find more joy with his friends and 'other things' than her (not the exact same actions, but similar circumstance). When she would break down and call him out on things, he would beg, get down on one knee and apoligize, tell her how much he was gonna change. For a few months he would do just that, and the shortly after he was right back to being himself. This was her life with this man for three years of marriage, and she would never leave him, no matter what cause of her families religious beliefs. One day she finally got the message though, but it took a split lip and her new born daughter being in danger to get the message.

I'm not saying your husband would ever lash out at you like that, and I hope he never will, but not to insult anyones beliefe, making a marriage work for the sake of keeping a marriage going is a mistake. If you feel the man you love, the man you fell in love with is still truely in there, then your course of action is worthwhile, but don't do this to try and salvage a marriage that based on your original post wasn't totally existent. I agree that divorce should not be an option easily taken, but sometimes it is a last resort that is necessary to prevent a person from staying in a situation where they die a little everyday, allowing themselves to be mistreated.

All that said, there really is no right or wrong for him to behave now, outside of staying away from what he was doing wrong these past few years. As far as restoring the connectiong between the two of you, that's all on you and him, you'll have to come to trust and love him again, and he'll have make the effort to find a way to do that. You don't need to find a way to let it go, as much as he needs to convince you to trust him again and he needs to convince you through his actions.

[stressed]

Your post made me feel so sad. That there are men out there, with children, who treat their wives like that, it's very sad.

- He has lied to you.
- He has cheated on you (phone sex and a whole other things).
- He has physically abused you (that's when you should walk out the door right away, there are no excuses for this).
- He didn't respect you or your daughter.
- He is immature.

Of course it's very hard to trust him again after all this. Why would he want you back? Maybe because you are the mother of his child, because he feels secure within the family, or he doesn't believe he can find anyone who can tolerate him as much as you do. Maybe he does love you but doesn't know what to do about it.

I think it's amazing that you returned, but why actually did you? Because you don't want to divorce or because you hope you will change him? We are talking about years of him being like that, this is not going to change within this year either. It will take a lot of time for him to stop with all this and in the end he might turn to you and say "I stopped the phone sex, the chats,. I need to have something too". But to push you because of porn? He needs counseling if he wants this to work.

You cannot trust him right now, for this to happen you need to see that his phone bill is clean every month (for quite a few months) that his computer is clean, that his phone is clean, that he doesn't act suspiciously, that he doesn't have too much free time by himself, you have to take the control for a while, just so you know that you can trust him again, that what he says is the truth and not a lie. You need to see for yourself that he tells the truth. Only after this feeling comes back can you return back to normal and know that you can trust him. You have to reach the lowest low, by 'controlling' him, in order to reach a normal level again in the future. And this takes a lot of time, effort and stress.

[newhere808]

You have to reach the lowest low, by 'controlling' him, in order to reach a normal level again in the future. And this takes a lot of time, effort and stress.

I disagree with this idea, as directing his actions will more than likely do little more than teach him how to behave to please her, it won't make him want to change, that's something that he needs to do all on his own. Keep a watchful eye on him and let him know about it, yes, control him, no.

[stressed]

I disagree with this idea, as directing his actions will more than likely do little more than teach him how to behave to please her, it won't make him want to change, that's something that he needs to do all on his own. Keep a watchful eye on him and let him know about it, yes, control him, no.

But the point is not to make him change, he already says he is working on it and we like to believe that he does. The problem is that she doesn't trust his words anymore, he has already lied too many times. The only way to restart believing and trusting this man, after all he has done, is to see it with her own eyes. It's enough that she went back to him after all this, the least she can do is have some control of her own life and mental sanity. And the only way to gain this back is to know everything about him for a short period, just so that SHE knows he's over this kind of porn addiction. Easily addicted personalities need attention. He's not going to stop by himself even if he wants to with all his heart.

[Hopeless Dork]

I have a hard time relating porn as an addiction I'd be able to be supportive through. Its essentially to me like saying... my boyfriend isn't cheating on me with his ex, he's addicted to her... I am going to work with him on getting past it. Sure he will slip up and have sex with her from time to time, but its an addiction, I have to be understanding.

It might be a totally irrational and selfish view, but If my guy came to me and told me he was addicted to fantasizing about other females -- I'd have to pack it up. Thats one addiction that would break me to support him through. No, its okay honey -- her boobs were very alluring, I understand why you clicked!

Eck. Its just way too humiliating, self -depricating to even imagine.

But I don't think your boyfriend had an addiction more than he had a case of the 'im a guy-itis' , this sense of entitlement that having been born with a penis means you must be allowed all the cake in the world while eating it too.

Women tend to be more driven by touch and affection, should we be allowed to then go and get touched and affection by random guys to meet some need they don't fill? No. That's CHEATING. Their 'biological' need is met in a way that lets them be physically faithful so its all good.

Bleck, just ranting.

I think trust and love can conquer all -- but I do think its a two way street.