[newhere808]

But the point is not to make him change, he already says he is working on it and we like to believe that he does. The problem is that she doesn't trust his words anymore, he has already lied too many times. The only way to restart believing and trusting this man, after all he has done, is to see it with her own eyes. It's enough that she went back to him after all this, the least she can do is have some control of her own life and mental sanity. And the only way to gain this back is to know everything about him for a short period, just so that SHE knows he's over this kind of porn addiction. Easily addicted personalities need attention. He's not going to stop by himself even if he wants to with all his heart.

Ok then, 'control' was the wrong word to use in your first response

I can't agree with the last sentance though, what he has done and what he will continue to do is a matter of choice, seeking pleasure elsewhere is not a matter of addiction beyond a persons control, I agree with HD on that totally.

[Lizzy girl]

I came back because i do love him although he isnt the fatehr of my daughter. i was 2 months preg when we met and he had a 2 and 3 year boys. i came back to save our marriage and not change him but in hopes him loving me and me loving him will make him want to be a better man,.knowing what he lost may of opened his eyes and i think this becasue of what he said. im sory "i never thought you would leave" no matter what i did. I thought i was in my own world and could do whatever. i thought you would never find out adn f you did oh well you wouldnt leave and you did. It wrecked my whole life.:"

yet wheni was gone he still watched it and said he didnt and he called hotlines a few times but not like b4. thsi is the reason i left hima nd while i was gone he still did it.. but he was "single so " i geuss him watching it was non of my beeeezwax huh

i agree with you guys. im not wanting to control him. but checking the phone bills and computer and everything else. trying to call him on the way t workl on the way home when hes at the store . w.e it may be. he is getting so irratated and annoyed even to the point where he doesnt want to talk to me because he says im bneing controlling again. he said this all the time b4 i kleft and that isnt true obvisously or i would of caught him way sooner. right? exactly. so wheni do check stuff adn want to talk to him to and from work hes mad .. " oh you dont trust me you havent changed liz" " your the same paranoid liz and controlling liz your pushing me away again liz" " i gave you a clean slate liz for leaving and seeing other men y cant you give me one?" " i have changed you just dont trust anyone liz you dont even trust your own parents" " your problem is you always have to be in control" and you drive people away because of it your over bearing" This is all ive heard since ive been back yet when i was in c.a he said me checkinganythinga nd everything wanting to talk to him when ever. was fine but now that im doing it he hates it. oh and i left a part out he had his own bank account aside from our joint that i knew about. thats the account he was transfering money into to do this sneaking. we both agreed to have seperate accounts still today so we can buy eachother things with out knowing the price but like i said evry day i eek about what may be on there. nothing ive checked he hasnt used it since i left to c.a funny huh. but he will soon that was the plan and im scared out of my mind. and he makes me feel guilty for asking him so many ?'s i dont want to play inspector wife hes a grown man i shouldnt have to babysit him. his words not mine "babysit" i just want to let go but my head says NO ELIZABETH ARE YOU STUPID DONT LET HIM DO IT AGAIN KEEP AN EAGLE EYE OUT HE NEEDS TO PROVE TO YOU FOR MORE THAN 3 MONTHS . so IDK l;adies and genst. maybe just do it while hes away. i havent in a bout a month yet he seems to think i have . but nope i havent im trying to trust him. and i set a rule for myself in order not to go insane. i will check in 1 swoop the accounts the phones and our credit cards once every like 2 to 3 months. So is this a good idea or bad? i thought it would be good like a stepping program for trust what do yall think.

[WildChild]

The thing is only he can change himself. You can be the cataylst, if he wants you to stay in his life. What you can do is change how you respond to his actions. He has behaved Very badly toward you and continues to make you "wrong" for his actions and responses. You need to quit internalizing and accepting that. He chooses to get angry, you don't "make" him. You have to remember always that his responses are a Choice that he makes. Just as your responses are choices you make. These can be deeply ingrained in our behaviors, going back into childhood.

One way to deal with it and keep yourself better centered and remind him that you see what he is doing, is to quit appolgising all the time as if You were responsible for his actions and responses and instead say, "I'm sorry you feel that way" or "I'm sorry you've chosen to get angry about this"

Gave your love and trust at the beginning, he didn't value it and stomped on it. Now he has to earn it. He doesn't seem to own the fact that he screwed up and needs to be essentially courting your love and trust. Instead he's stomping around, dumping it on your door step and as long as you accept that he has some sort of right or justification for doing so, he'll keep on doing it.

This is why you need to work with a counselor who can help you with some skills at recognizing his negative behavior, not internalizing it, deflecting it from yourself and perhaps prompting him into realising the need for positive change.

[Lizzy girl]

i understand and i do get irratated when i always apologize when i know im not wrong. just to save an argument. and he says he knows he was wrong and he wants to fix it. and i tell him repeatedly not to get so upset its only a discussion adn he alwasy comes back with well im f'''' pi''' adn you made me mad. blah blah blah .. its just irratating that he gets so mad. he says i always push his buttons, i d dont want apologize that im sorry for getting upset over what happened and im trying not to seem acussing all the time.i just alwasy feel wrong all the time because he says i am. we get in a fight im wrong because i cant just drop things i keep pushing and pushing until he breaks. he says.i think i do need to go to counseling we both should but i do need to because i know i have probs deeper than just our relationship/

and you know what still gets me till today. I was in the hospital with my daughetr when i gave birth to her for 2 montsh and a few days i had major complications i almost died and she was very sick. well when we finally got home about a few days into it i was doing laundry and i empty the pockects of his uniform "Navy" and found escort numbers! freaking escort nnumbers. his exscuse was oh someone put them in his pocket?? really cuz his uniform was fitting so unless they made it a habit of sticking their hands in eachothers pants then i doubt that. and then he backtracked and said well some guy probably gave the escorts his number cuz tehy left a voice message on his phone and he just wrote down the number to call them back and tell them not to call..... he never really ever told me the truth. we were only togethere 9 months then. 2006

[newhere808]

WC said it perfectly Lizzy

With everything you continue to tell us about this guy, it shows that there is less and less that you can really do for him. You gave him another chance, which in my opinion he didn't deserve, and his repayment of that is making you feel bad for being hurt and behaving as such.

It really just sounds to me like this guy knows what to say to direct you, and it's not healthy to let yourself be treated like that.

[Lizzy girl]

I understand what all of you are saying but im nottrying to put him down honestly. and ive sadi it b4 he is a good person he really is. this is soemof the thingsd we fight about or get in an argument about. that i need an outsiders opinion about. and he is very persausive adn knows how to make me think its me but i try to remeber ithis has happened before dont let him down talk you. do you ladies and guys think there is hope honestly?? if i love him he says he loves me to and willing to work it out. and wants no one else. i cant picture being intamate withanother man. it makes me sad to think it wouldnt be him, is that wierd to? honest replies

[stressed]

I don't see any hope in this, just going back to him was a huge step and it should have scared him enough to change, yet he didn't, he still gets mad over the obvious and doesn't realize that what he's been doing has hurt you deeply and will take time to heal. If 8 months apart were not enough for a change then nothing else can be. If you want to stay then you are going to feel like you do now every day for the rest of your life, or you are going to feel numb about it and eventually even more aspects of the relationship.

A question about his words though: "i gave you a clean slate liz for leaving and seeing other men y cant you give me one?": Did you see another man during these 8 months?

[CHANDLERS WISH]

Lizzy, your in a toxic relationship.

He has an addiction he doesn't want to stop. He purely passifies you but you know in your heart that he's lying and so, the wheels keep spinning.

When they do, you probably do cry, yell, scream, put him down over it, calling women "****s" is really not a good thing either, they are human and some have to do it for money and a lady in an isle isn't one... Taking that aside it suggests that you get angry, very angry and pushes his buttons, which then makes him push you. Seriously? He abused you in front of your daughter...

It's a toxic relationship and you can try and try all you like to correct what "you" don't like and rightly so, if he's getting bj's from other ladies, and it's not just porn or worse but you should be standing tall and telling yourself you don't deserve that full stop and if he really wants to change, then he can prove it, whilst you are no longer living with him as his wife, by going and seeking help for his addiction.

CW

[newhere808]

I understand what all of you are saying but im nottrying to put him down honestly. and ive sadi it b4 he is a good person he really is. this is soemof the thingsd we fight about or get in an argument about. that i need an outsiders opinion about. and he is very persausive adn knows how to make me think its me but i try to remeber ithis has happened before dont let him down talk you. do you ladies and guys think there is hope honestly?? if i love him he says he loves me to and willing to work it out. and wants no one else. i cant picture being intamate withanother man. it makes me sad to think it wouldnt be him, is that wierd to? honest replies

I don't think anyone here believes you are trying to insult him, but the info given does not paint a picture of someone worth being with or a 'good person'. I don't see how he would fit under that description after all he's done to you, and what he's continued to do with his guilt trips.

Honestly, i've seen you backpeddal a bit in your posts already, and I think your too into the habbit of making excuses for him, both to yourself and to others, and he thrives off of it. This is one of the reasons your situation reminds me so much of my friends that I commented on, it's so similar. I applaud you for returning to a situation like that and trying once again to make it work, but I think the way he has been behaving thus far is more than enough answer for you. Only you really know what you want Lizzy, but you have to be real with yourself about whether or not it's achievable. You need to look at him as a person, and not as your husband, take emotion and commitment out of the equation and look at how he has treated you as a person. I really think you deserve, and can find better.

[Lizzy girl]

yes Stressed i did go to movies and dinners with 3 different men but thats it one of those 3 i started a relationship with and he knew all about my hubby and how we wanted to work it out he was totaly understanding and honestly i felt whole again and my hubby knew i was on dates appreciated i felt like i was worth something and made it a point everyday to to tell him thank you. i never had sex with any one out there i only kissed the guy i was seeing. b4 i left he told me please dont go back and then told me he loved me. then i left .yet he never admitted to seeing other women which was so clear he was i found a freakin condom receipt for exstacy comdoms when i came back in nov 09 which torn me apart and he sadi he never did anything he only had them "incase" BULLLL dooky. . I try not to make excuses for him i just try to see it from his prespective. ya know. but i suck at it.. and like i said b4 i dont HAVE PHYSical proof of him cheating while i was with him but the other stuff yes tons and tons. he is doing better and proving he isnt doing anythin so that makes feel good. and we just had a convo and i stated to him like one of the posts said. he needs to understand that im going to take some time to heel. and that he cant expect me to just say ok im back let me just trust you to not do anything anymore. and i told him i dont check our stuff allthe time once in a few months. it hellps me to heal and trust him alittle more each time knowing i dont have to check on him 24/7 and him still be honest. all he said was i just wnt you to stop checking on me it drives me crazy and makes me feel bad and that you are just waiting for me to mess up. which isnt rue i just want assured progress that he is doing what hes saying hes doin and that it will be diff,. all he said was ok and that he just wishes i wouldnt but ok. i think this could work. im not saying im perfect by far. i am controlling although i cant admit it to him. for reasons more than just him. but him being the 2nd big one. . and at times yes "female dogish" but all women are sometimes . unless we all smoke weed all day every day which i doubt lol so. ya i know our relationship seems like a toxic one but we are working on it. counseling seems like the only way to cope. but with my experiences with it for a different topic it made me feel worse. i hated it. i only wanted to surpress it so i stopped going. mistake? idk