[Joy]

Lost in NJ - so sorry you are having to go thru this - congratulations for finding support and solutions to your problems instead of pressing it deep inside yourself. You feel lied to by your wife - Your wife is lying to herself first. You feel disprespected - your wife has no respect for herself first. You wife has been abusing alcohol and prescription drugs to numb the pain that she is holding onto that may or may not be connected to you. Your wife has been abusing herself first- inturn abusing you because you are an extention of your wife. so what she is desperatly lying and avoiding is externally showing up and placed on you.

She does love you - but before it is the sweet adoring love that you only want a lil bit of - she has to love herself. She has to accept herself - if she is OCD possibly believing in perfection?? There is no perfection and she has to accept herself and love herself with all the flaws included. You may beleive that she loves herself more than she loves anyone in that house - but I would disagree and have to say that is why she spends, spends spends money, takes more pills than need be, drinks while taking them - maybe her life didn't work out how she had envisioned it would - but that is the ego talking and she has to let that go and heal. She is over indulging on every lvl trying to quiet and numb her mind - all she has to do is accept it and move forward. ( I know she is off the narcotics now - good for her)

I'm sorry that you are being hurt in this process - you were smart to put some distance between you to work thru it. I hope for healing and peace for your family.

[lostinNJ]

Well I certainly feel like I came to the right place. Thank you everyone for your comments and advice. I can't believe how many responses there have been in just a few hours.

Despite the drugs were only in the last year if I let myself believe that she did not mean to hurt me and was simply out of control for many many years and is now getting the help she needs maybe that makes it easier to let go of the pain and hurt. Then I just need to know it will be significantly better. I am not saying that it has to be perfect and there can't be any slip ups but as recent as Christmas she lied to me when asked a direct question. I cannot come home to that.

The next thing is now that I really know the marriage was broken and not normal I am relatively stress free and happier. I will give her more opportunities to spend time with me when she gets home. I have gone there for dinner last week before she went to the psych hospital. She wanted to go out, I wanted her to show change and invite me for dinner. I didn't want to put the thought in her head I wanted to hear it from her but didn't and finally said no, I don't want to go out to eat but if you want to have me over for dinner with the kids I will be happy to accept.

It's like I said before that it doesn't have to be an all or nothing situation as long as progress is being made we should keep at it. It may take a long time until I am ready to go home (if I am at all) but if progress is made and therapy continues maybe that's OK.

Thanks again all.

[lostinNJ]

Officially diagnosed as Bipolar

She is due to go home tomorrow. I will try an attend the meeting with her docs first but just not sure I will be able to. I took a week off in February to help her with her suicidal thoughts and a week for my own surgery. I feel guilty for maybe not being able to go but can't push too hard in this economy.

After that she is going to be in an extensive 3 day a week outpatient therapy at the same hospital she institutionalized

What does this mean for the relationship? Maybe all her abuse can be explained by the bipolar? Am I expected to just dismiss the past and move back in now that she is on different meds and diagnosed as bipolar? Does a bipolar criminal get freed from jail just because they were diagnosed? I am not saying I won't come back just not sure how it affects things. I think it also means that there is no guarantee things will always be better and they could slip.

In reading various sites about coping with a spouse with bipolar they say "remember the good times". Unfortunately there has been so much hurt I can't remember back to a time where I wanted to hold her hand, hug her, kiss her....

I am scared, nervous and confused as well as freaking exhausted. With her gone I have had greatly increased responsibilities with the kids and the dog.

Well I am glad she is getting out tomorrow I guess.

[WildChild]

At least you know what you are dealing with now. They aren't easy, you may want to consider ways to limit your kids time alone with her. I've known bi-polars who are court restricted to supervised contact with their kids. They can be very unpredictable. Educate yourself as much as you can, it might be a good idea to look into a support group, it would probably help to get other's input.

[LanaBear]

Well.... At least you know.

My sister is bi-polar, among other things. I haven't spoken to her in about 3 years because of all the hurt and stress she has caused my mom and her kids. She no longer has custody of either of her kids, two different fathers and both have custody of each child. However, like I said, she has other issues. Alcoholism being one of them which contributed a lot to her loss of custody. She was visited by a social worker, surprise visit, in which she was breast feeding her youngest while being absolutely drunk off her rear.

Sometimes they feel so normal on their meds that they feel they can stop taking them. So do keep an eye out for that. It is imperative that they continue to take the meds. As WC said above, the are very unpredictable.

[lostinNJ]

I am reading, reading reading and in fact just reached out to the marriage therapist to update her and ask if she can refer me to any groups, books or other sources for coping with a spouse with BPDO.

I feel strongly that I do not want to go back to the marriage counselor until I have a better understanding of her ailment and what is to be expected so I want to skip next week making it a total of 2 weeks skipped and resume the following week.

[pretzel]

I am reading, reading reading and in fact just reached out to the marriage therapist to update her and ask if she can refer me to any groups, books or other sources for coping with a spouse with BPDO.

I feel strongly that I do not want to go back to the marriage counselor until I have a better understanding of her ailment and what is to be expected so I want to skip next week making it a total of 2 weeks skipped and resume the following week.

The dx of bi-polar at least puts things hopefully on the right track.

Again, I wish you the best of luck.

About the only thing I could suggest at this stage would be for you not to skip the next marriage counselling session. It may not be the most beneficial of sessions since I think the bi-polar is the much bigger issue, but at this point, any source of information shouldn't be overlooked.

[lostinNJ]

Found a bipolar support group that just so happens to meet tonight. I am going to try to go.

[KMonte85]

Good for you. lost, on seeking out support groups for your wife's illness! Her diagnosis is already a step towards a positive change. And I think you will gain tons of insight on what to expect, and will make some great contacts with people who can help you along your path...

I see that there are a few people here that have expressed their relationships with people with BPD.. I too, have a a longtime friend who suffered through for years, being erradic and pushing the people she loved away. She was diagnosed with the disorder in her late teens, given the proper treatment, and I can tell you know that she has been happily married for 6 years with 3 beautiful happy and healthy daughters to show for it. Her's is a success story, and I wanted to share it with you so you know that there is hope for families who have to cope with this.

[LanaBear]

Found a bipolar support group that just so happens to meet tonight. I am going to try to go.

That is great news! Good luck and let us know how it goes.