[h0ney]

Safe to think that he's not living off you?

Has he talked about repaying her?

he could never get away with that with me, he knows going in to living together things will be split.

he said when she offered to have him stay at her place, she wasnt expecting a repayment, she knew he was out of work and didnt have much money. even when she paid his lawyer, he told her he couldnt pay her back and she said she wasnt looking for a pay back. so she willingly gave him money, supported him, not expecting anything. i think its kindof pathetic, i cant see myself doing something like that. but i guess she mustve really loved him to do all of that.

[LanaBear]

Regardless of everything else that went on, they lived with each other for 5 months, I'm sure he got to know her family. Nov 09 really isn't that long ago.

Do you know the type of relationship he had with her family? Until you know that, it is hard to chastise her for calling and him for talking. She may have just been giving him a courtesy call to say, hey, my grandma died. It's a death in the family, they are always rough and people are not always thinking correctly.

Are you confident in your relationship with him? Do you trust him? Do you feel he is shallow enough to allow this one phone call to come between the two of you?

[h0ney]

Regardless of everything else that went on, they lived with each other for 5 months, I'm sure he got to know her family. Nov 09 really isn't that long ago.

Do you know the type of relationship he had with her family? Until you know that, it is hard to chastise her for calling and him for talking. She may have just been giving him a courtesy call to say, hey, my grandma died. It's a death in the family, they are always rough and people are not always thinking correctly.

Are you confident in your relationship with him? Do you trust him? Do you feel he is shallow enough to allow this one phone call to come between the two of you?

he said he met her family, including the grandmother. which im not suprised about since they were together 8months but that he wasnt exactly close with them. and im not chastising him for the call, actually the call isnt the thing im most worried about, i was just curious as to why an ex would call after 4.5 months of no contact, especially since things didnt exactly end on a great note. even a courtest call, but if she was just looking to let him know, thats fine.

my concern was moreso the lying and the 'new' information that came to light afterwards that i brought up in the first post. i know he wouldnt let this come between us. i was 100% confident in our relationship until all of this came to light last night. now im not so sure.

we did talk again today and i brought this all back up, he didnt want to talk about it and kept telling me to 'let it go' but he did eventually answer some of my concerns. he said he was rebounding and wouldve left her for me had i gave him the green light during those times he contacted me last year.

he also said what he had with her wasnt strong compared to what we have so he didnt think it was wrong that he would come out to see me while they were together, since he was hoping we'd reconcile.

he claims he would never pull what he did with her on me (trying to reconcile with an ex) i want to take his word for it, for the most part i believe him, he admitted he wasnt perfect with some of the choices he made, so i guess we'll leave it at that. i learned what i needed to know.

[Hopeless Dork]

It doesn't speak highly of him that he would contact you while living with her, he was so concerned with you were dating when you guys were not together... almost like he wanted to have ownership though apart.

It makes me wonder if now that he is seperated from her that he also isn't curious of who she is with now, etc.

There are some guys that have a harem mentality even when they are only with one girl at a time. They don't like their exes being with anyone, etc. Like they should be on a shelf in case they ever decide to come back.

I'm not saying your guy is like that. He could just really be that into you that despite your break up and his attempts to get over you by seeing someone else that he just couldn't and kept contacting you in hopes to reconcile because he knew you were the one.

I don't think he'd tell you she called if he were up to shady antics. But then some people can carefully disguise something shady in the wide open where they could default to the 'why would i tell you if i had ill motivies'.

If he's treating you well, if you are feeling loved by him, if he isn't being secretive and strange I wouldnt work yourself into a tizzy over what he did when you were apart. Him not telling you was his attempt to spare your feelings likely.

He tested the waters and decided yours were where he wishes to soak I understand your reaction to all this news and your worry but so far it seems nothing to be too concerned about.

[Hopeless Dork]

PS her calling him about the grandmother was likely just an excuse to communicate with him. She probably just wanted to hear from him and this unfortunite incident was also an opportunity to reach out to him. He should offer condolences but thats as far as he needs to go to be respectful as a human to her, and to be respectful to you given the circumstances.

[CHANDLERS WISH]

It seems to me he took advantage of her, knowing she had strong feelings for him, she introduced him to family, her family, paid for everything.

Seems, to me he "prefers" a strong willed person, who won't take carp.....and I still think, therefore, it's you he loves, seeing as he kept persuing you, chasing you to win you back.

What you have to be careful of is that he isn't out to "purely win"... He won with her, he's won with you. He's a risk taker, seeing as he went to jaol for a week, he likes to take risks, he seems to like to take....

I'm sure you know his character, probably a bit of a charmer.. maybe that's attractive to you, but ultimately, he persued you to win you back.

Naturally, she's going to tell him if he had met the Grandma and if, she paid for everything and therefore, "hoped" for a long lasting relationship, as she committed, about the death. And, I imagine, in "hope" that he went back to her.

I actually wonder if she knows about you, I doubt she "knew" about you...

I think you need to ask him more questions.

CW

[Pinkyshot]

You can look at it two way; they have been keeping in touch and he just told you or she just decided because her family member died she would use it to contact him ...kind of a way to say I need you...he told you, which he didn't have to..so that is a plus for him..but for her to do all that stuff for him when they were together she must have had strong feelings for him...it is sad he used her..but he wants you and is telling you what you want to know so he can keep you so even though its upsetting I wouldn't beat him up to much about it...if she keeps contacting him than you might need to be right there when he tells her on the phone that he doesn't want anything to do with her....she prob just lonely and sad and is reaching out to someone she had feelings for.

[h0ney]

It seems to me he took advantage of her, knowing she had strong feelings for him, she introduced him to family, her family, paid for everything.

Seems, to me he "prefers" a strong willed person, who won't take carp.....and I still think, therefore, it's you he loves, seeing as he kept persuing you, chasing you to win you back.

What you have to be careful of is that he isn't out to "purely win"... He won with her, he's won with you. He's a risk taker, seeing as he went to jaol for a week, he likes to take risks, he seems to like to take....

I'm sure you know his character, probably a bit of a charmer.. maybe that's attractive to you, but ultimately, he persued you to win you back.

Naturally, she's going to tell him if he had met the Grandma and if, she paid for everything and therefore, "hoped" for a long lasting relationship, as she committed, about the death. And, I imagine, in "hope" that he went back to her.

I actually wonder if she knows about you, I doubt she "knew" about you...

I think you need to ask him more questions.

CW

yeah im pretty sure the info she knew of me was vague. he said she only knew that he had just gotten out of a long term relationship before they met, but thats about it. doubt she knew he was keeping in contact, visiting me - and the reasoning/history behind our split.

true he did take advantage of her, but she also let him take advantage. he knows he wouldnt be able to pull that with me, i think thats part of what kept him with her since he was getting a free ride, she was more than willing to acommadate him. letting him move into her place with no job, contribution financially, even with him saying he couldnt help out. she knew what she was taking on.

ive pushed him pretty far earlier in our phone conversation with the questions, by now he probably thinks im obsessed with this topic. he has displayed some sketchy behavior in order to get me back, not to mention disregarding someone elses feelings in the process who obviously felt stronger than he did. one thing im confident about is she is not a threat to what we have now, im glad hes been open with me so far. he couldve easily hid this all. so we're going to try and move forward.

thanks everyone for the input!

[h0ney]

update

she called AGAIN. his phone is off so she called his brothers phone to tell him her apartment was broken into and how she felt scared to be alone and wish he could be there with her for the night.

now she's starting to (EDIT) me off. i let the grandmother call slide but this is overdoing it. he said he didnt want to be rude and tell her not call anymore because she seemed scared and upset, but doesnt she have family or friends to reach out to? why call your ex bf?!

ugh. if he cant speak up i will. this is getting out of hand.

[CHANDLERS WISH]

but she also let him take advantage. he knows he wouldnt be able to pull that with me, i think thats part of what kept him with her since he was getting a free ride, she was more than willing to acommadate him. letting him move into her place with no job, contribution financially, even with him saying he couldnt help out. she knew what she was taking on.

Your happy to be with someone who you know "used" another person, knowingly?

Off course she's not thread, your well aware of your strength and that, he only admires "strength".

It's not her fault.. It's his fault, you need to see things clearer I think... Off course, she's going to try to win him back, she only did all that she did, because she fell in love.

I can't see how you can be peeved off with her at all...She is in love sweet and you need to understand what your boyfriend is capable of doing to you one day, when he no longer feels the love..

After all, put yourself in her shoes...

I'd feel sorry for her and I would personally, respectfully, irispective of love, question why the heck I am going out with a guy who used someone, like a piece of meat and like a piece of green American paper, for his own self gain.

Sorry.

CW