[snuffie]

Hi,
My army boyfriend split with me over a week ago and this has left both of us heartbroken.
I am 20 and just completing my degree he is 27 and in the army, we had been together over a year in which time he had asked me to move in with him following my degree and we had talked about the future in detail children and marriage etc, with him starting the conversations and topics.
I have always found his lifestyle and job difficult, I accept he was away monday to friday but loved our time together with family and friends and also alone on weekends. The thing I was finding increasingly difficult was the short notice changes to his plans and therefore our plans and also the looming possibility of a years deployment in to action.
I am also quite a insecure person and this lifestyle didnt help, over the last few months the changes were increasing and it was upsetting me.
A few days before we split we had an arguement over my insecurity which lead to him splitting saying I was the love of his life and still wants the future with me but he can't at the moment provide me with the stability I need and also deserve.
I am heartbroken as is he and he has ask that I don't contact him as it will "kill" him. I have now done this but im so confused and struggling to rationalise his desicion.

At this moment (which I'm sure you have heard before) I can't imagine having a indepth and long future with anyone but him, I believe he is the one.

Any advice and insight would be great.

[kygirl]

How much longer until you are done with school??

You do have to realize that as long as he is in the millitary, he will possibly be deployed, he'll have training, etc. He's not going to be able to give you the attention you seem to be saying that you need. You really should think about why you are so insecure and if you could learn to deal with his life choices. Otherwise, this just isn't going to work, and maybe he really is doing what is best for both of you.

[CHANDLERS WISH]

Sounds like he's doing it for you, and the non-trust of the commitment you may have for him, this is his life, he can't change... You have to weight up exactly what you really feel and if you can hold out until things change.

Being in-secure, creates clinginess, and in that creates, doubts..

Both of you are having doubts. You with if you can cope. Him about, if you will cope.

Can you?

The only way for you to be able to is to "know" not think, that you truly can't live without him and tell him so, and stop the feeling of abandonment, rather, see the future as it is, a bit distant but there for you both.

CW

[snuffie]

Thanks for the replies so far, it's 5 months till I graduate.
I know I am insecure and always have been with previous boyfriends but I havn't reall addressed the issue. Im taking this time of not contacting my ex to think about why I am insecure and addressing it.
Even though I will find it hard the uncertainty of his job and him been away, I would be able to cope knowing he was coming home to me and I was going to be there for him.
We had talked about children and the future, and I want that with him.
I also forgot to put on my previous post that the night we split and had an hour and a half chat that he had been planning on proposing before my birthday which is in approx 1 months time.
Is it worth trying to get him back?

[miszxclusiive]

How much longer until you are done with school??

You do have to realize that as long as he is in the millitary, he will possibly be deployed, he'll have training, etc. He's not going to be able to give you the attention you seem to be saying that you need. You really should think about why you are so insecure and if you could learn to deal with his life choices. Otherwise, this just isn't going to work, and maybe he really is doing what is best for both of you.

I AGREE WITH U i just recently got marry & im only 19 with a son so is harder for me ... & my husband is living to the army they have training & all that & is true he wont have time to pay attention to u sometimes so see if u really want to deal with that u gotta be positive & think right and bout been insecure why r u ? like really is hard.... so take time & think what u really want

[Little]

It seems, as CW said, he did this for you, and you should thank him for being mature enough to let you go.
If he's about to be deployed, it will be a LOT different than your weekend romance. He'll be gone for months and months, then reappear for R&R, then be gone for months and months again. He might be in a place where all he can do is write letters, or where all he can do is write emails, or where he can't contact you AT ALL for all that time. And if you're insecure and love him, it will rip you apart. Heck, even if you're SECURE and love him, it will rip you apart.
Is he going to have the Army as a career? How many years does he have left on his contract?
I was devastated when my ex-boyfriend (Army officer) and I broke up, but in the moment he did it, a weight was also lifted off of me. He had changed drastically when he found out he was going to be deployed and went through massive mood swings throughout the deployment. I was responsible for his moods. If he became angry or sad, it was my fault, and if someone else made him angry or sad, he took it out on me (or his parents, who I was very close with, so if he was hurting them he was hurting me.) Like you, we had talked about moving in and being a happy family. Our breakup was for an unrelated issue, but it seemed a relief for him not to have to commit to living with or loving anybody anymore.
I don't know if it's worth it for YOU to get YOUR ex back, but the behaviors I've mentioned here that my ex portrayed are TYPICAL, COMMON, and TEXTBOOK. Knowing that doesn't and didn't make it hurt less. Doesn't make it easier.
You have to decide for yourself. Can you live with a man for the rest of your life whose first priority isn't and CAN'T be you? Who has to spend a majority of his time away?

[snuffie]

Thanks Little, my ex is also an officer and has the next 20 - 25 years ahead of him in the army. You have given me a great insight and opinions but I want him more than anything.
I think I need to take time to address my issues behind my insecuirty, but for him I could play 2nd fiddle to his career, I would sacrafise my own to support him, luckily mine is nursing so there is flexibility.
I know how he felt was true and I want him back, I'm just not sure if he will be willing to take the chance on a possible 2nd round of heartache

[snuffie]

Thanks for the advice so far, it's been over two weeks now and I still feel exactly the same about him now as the moment I feel in love with him, No contact is killing me and I just want to get him back I have been doing some thinking and reflection and have started with therapy to address my insecurity. Should I attempt to get back with him?, does it work? and how best to do it?

[sourpuss]

Maybe after a few weeks of therapy you could contact him and let him know that it's something you're working on. Honestly, guys can't handle women who are insecure. It's too much responsibility for them. Especially for a guy in the military. He shouldn't have to worry about your insecurities while he's gone.

But more than anything, you need to work on that issue for yourself. There are no guarantees that it will ever work out with this guy. The best thing for you to do is be secure with yourself, no matter what comes along in life.

[jns]

Depending on his specialty, you may be living together most of the time, or not. I have a friend from high school who became a career Marine officer , leaving as a Colonel. His first wife was his sweetheart from high school. That lasted 11 years until she found herself a boyfriend. During that time, they stayed together most of the time, including several years when he went to the Naval Postgraduate School in Monterey, CA. His second and current wife was a Marine officer also, she retiring also as a Colonel. They had postings at various places around the world, but were mostly able to stay together by proper choices in postings. They also have kids and been able to raise them in the US and other places, giving the kids an appreciation of other cultures.